I wrote this kind of quickly but hopefully you all still like it.
But I say nothing. I don't know what to think or say. I knew it was coming. It was only a matter of time. They love each other as much as anyone has before. But now the pressure was on me a million times more than before. All of Panem wants to know when the daughter of the star-crossed lovers from District 12 is going to find a man and settle down. My parents worry themselves sick that I'm making the right decisions in all aspects of my life, especially my love life. The simplest solution to me was not to have one. Finn merely put a bump in that plan. But no one knows that. I don't have to say anything today. And I won't.
My lifeless response did not go unnoticed. Haymitch commented quickly that I looked as delighted as my mother on her first reaping day. Surprised he even remembers that day. My parents kept trying to guide the attention back to the lovely couple sitting next to me but he wouldn't let up. Upset you're little brother is getting married before you? Step outside sweetheart… I'll bet my last bottle of whiskey you'll find a man ready to propose…Hell, we could make a show out of it! Why didn't I think of this before? Plutarch would eat this up… And the odds would in be your favor…You'd have hundreds falling at your feet…Of course, you've have to fake a little sunny disposition now and then…The viewers aren't just going to love you forever because you're the daughter of star-crossed lovers…
I've never felt more nauseous in my life. With the mention of star-crossed lovers my parents escort Haymitch back to his house. Just as they are out of sight I retreat to the washroom. I stay in my white-tiled sanctuary for the rest of the morning. I have my reasons. Every once in a while I hear a soft knock at the door. Reassurances follow that Haymitch isn't welcome back until his demeanor is more civilized, my brother's engagement is just that, my brother's, they understand how I feel about it but it would be nice if I could just put on a happy face for him. They make a good point but those are only minute problems at this point.
It's going to happen. No matter how hard I try to ignore it. It happens all the time, every day. Everyone has expectations of me. To be just like my mother or father. To have a romance just like theirs. The world is on watch for it. Some days the black screen on the wall makes me feel like Panem's happiness depends on me finding someone. I have found someone. Someone I trust and love, I just don't feel like telling anyone, ever. It's not for the rest of the world to comment on and spread rumors about how far along I am with his child. I don't want the world examining my relationship with Finn. I am quite capable of dissecting it myself.
When I feel my stomach stir at it's emptiness I instruct myself to take 10 deep breaths and a tentative sip of water every few minutes to prepare for leaving my safe haven. Now that Haymitch has been banished I should have nothing to fear. His opinion doesn't matter anyway. My brother is getting married. I'm not. I should be happy for him. I will be happy. I will remind myself of this for as long as it takes to become real.
With as much caution as my mother stalks her prey I search for the family I abandoned this morning. After I grab a cheese bun in the kitchen I find Finn, Rowan and Janaya in the living area on opposite couches. Finn's jaw is clenched in that stubborn way when he's most annoyed. Not surprising. And Rowan's face is just as tight. Why shouldn't he be irritated as well? His only sister hasn't even congratulated him. Janaya is curled up against Rowan, glowing, as usual.
Their eyes all flicker to me when I coil up in the corner of the couch. Finn is on the opposite end and makes no movement to shift closer.
I swallow my embarrassment and begin my apology. "I'm really sorry Rowan, Janaya. I really am happy for you two. This really is just the best news." I am really trying to sound happy for them. Janaya flashes a bright smile and I know she accepts my apology. She won't let my shameful reaction ruin her perfect engagement.
"I thought Rowan should tell you, we all know how you feel about marriage but he wanted to wait until today. He's such a romantic. Wanted to surprise everyone together. I'm sure Haymitch meant well too. His methods are just a little… eccentric." Janaya voice is so sweet I'm almost sure sugar is pumping through her veins instead of blood now.
"It's ok. It'll be the last wedding announcement I'll have to deal with for awhile." I try to laugh it off.
"Until Finnick here." Rowan nods toward my couch partner. The wave of nausea comes back with full force. What the hell has he told them?
"Apparently you've had quite the effect on Finnick since you arrived in Four, Vi. He's been telling us how his priorities have changed. No longer waking up with a different woman every morning. Man, Finnick, you haven't even been back on a boat since she arrived, have you?" I'd rather be anywhere else then here. I already know the life Finn's given up for me. The only thing I can take solace in is no one else knows why. Finn's whole body looks as tense as mine. I wonder if we're thinking the same thing. He sacrificed more than he should have for someone who has done nothing to show she deserves it.
My thoughts drift to my empty stomach and I nibble on my cheese bun as they continue their conversation. I keep my attention purely on enjoying every morsel as I do my best to pretend Finn isn't talking about how much he's changed and wants to settle down with the right person. Rowan tries to pull me onto the discussion over Finn's love life by asking what sisterly advice I have for him since we've grown so close. After I nearly choke on the last bite I say the safest and most honest thing I can think of. "I think we all know I'm the last person anyone should come to for advice." This gets a hearty laugh from Finn and Janaya.
But Rowan seems to have greater expectations of me. "Come on, Violet. You've spent the last three months with Finnick and somehow the man who never sleeps with the same woman twice hasn't had a date since you arrived. That can't be a coincidence."
Probably not. Okay, Definitely not. I've lost count the number of times we've…well it's none of Rowan's business so I'm not about to declare that Finn is perfectly capable of being in a monogamous relationship. "Guess I'm rubbing off on him. Helped him come to his senses that it's better to sleep alone than with someone you barely know. Or trust. Or that you don't know what their intentions are. Or if they're there because they want to be or because…" I am saying too much. I need to end this now. "Well, we know why most people want to be seen with us." A flush spreads across my cheeks. Great, more for Finn to psychoanalyze about me for later.
"You'll find someone too Violet. When you're ready. And I'm sure he'll be there for the right reasons. These things happen when you least expect it though." Janaya, the greatest supporter of true love dives into the story of how she knew the second she saw Rowan it was meant to be. I tune the story I've heard a thousand times out and sneak a few looks at Finn. His eyes are glazed over but he appears to be listening intently. He's only heard it a hundred times or so.
She ends the story with a kiss on Rowan's cheek. He gazes back at his angel, his soul mate. Intimate moments like this make me most uncomfortable. I hear Finn's sigh beside me and I know it's not because of his discomfort.
Rowan takes Janaya's hand in his and nods his head to Finn. "You really haven't found anyone?"
My jaw clenches as I try to telepathically let Finn know say anything and die, say anything and die.
He gives a regrettably smile. "Still waiting. But I know she's going to be worth waiting for. And I know I'm getting close." He looks at me momentarily and my heart drops. He looks away and gives Janaya a wink that I know I would have had needed medical care for if he did it to me. "I can feel it. Any day now."
Rowan considers his answer. "So out of all the women in Four no one has caught your interest Finnick?"
Amused Finn answers, "Well I'm not just looking for anybody."
"Right, you've probably been through most of the female population there. On to a new a district then?"
Janaya responds quicker than anyone else and slaps Rowan on the chest. "Rowan!"
His cheeks are burning as I suddenly realize mine are too. This conversation took a turn somewhere and I'm trying to find out where. Rowan twisted what seemed like genuine concern for Finn finding someone to care about to accosting him for his past romances. Fleeting as they were.
Rowan mumbles an apology but that's not enough for Janaya. She orders him into kitchen for a talk. I watch in amazement as he obeys the tiny blonde faerie-like woman. She really is perfect for him. I start to feel hopeful that I can believe my mantra and be happy for them.
I look over to Finn to quietly communicate I have no idea what is going but he's obviously avoiding me. Bent over, with hands clasped, he's just staring at the floor. I can only guess now that we're alone he's not about to forgive me for my earlier indiscretion. Just waiting for when he can launch into a tirade about how I promised, how it's time, how he's waiting long enough and so on and so on. I almost believed his little speech to Janaya about how he would wait. Not that it would be any day as he so confidently stated. More like years. Based on the way I'm feeling now I wouldn't say never would be out of the question.
I crawl deeper into myself and the little hole I've reserved for when I just need to block everything out. I've already run away from this once. Twice would be unforgivable in Finn's eyes. But it's obvious to him my resolve has faded. It took him weeks to convince me to be honest. All taken away in the matter of seconds thanks to Rowan. Not my fault. I shouldn't be blamed for something I have no control over. Guess you fell in love with the wrong girl I think.
We can hear the muffled sounds of Rowan apologizing to Janaya. Then a door slams shut. And nothing. I look to the doorway leading to the kitchen. Apparently they're going to solve their lover's quarrel elsewhere. I'd rather not think of how.
I don't trust that we're truly alone. Before either one of us says anything we'll regret I have to be sure. "Are my parents still here?"
"With Haymitch. Letting him know he better not say another word to you if he wants another home-cooked meal today." He doesn't sound mad. In fact he sounds…like we're having a normal conversation. Not that he's disappointed with me that I've decided never to reveal anything about our relationship ever. I haven't formally announced this to him but since he claims to know me so well I shouldn't have to.
I'm still taking in his tone or lack there of when I find myself enveloped in his strong arms. My shocked face whips around to meet his smirking one. I can't decide if he going to try to persuade me to give in and tell my parents or if he's trying to make fun of this whole situation. I take a chance and ask him about him the latter. "Are you finding this…amusing?"
He gives me a light peck and his eyes are sparkling now. "I have to admit I think it might be a stroke of good luck."
He has gone crazy. He's a bit young for dementia but stranger things have happened I suppose. Studying my face he can see I don't seem to agree with or even comprehend his words. "Babe, it's ok. It's not like it's your fault he found out. Look at it this way…you don't have to say anything now. He's probably off now telling your parents."
I test the words. "My…fault. Why would it be my fault he found out? He didn't." I force out my last words slowly to make them clear. I push him back so he has to let go of me. No one is finding out today especially not with Finn wrapped around me on the couch.
My heart is racing as he looks back at me in disbelief. "Did you tell him?" I demand.
He lets out an uncharacteristic snort. "Were you not here during our little conversation? Or were you blocking it out and pretending it wasn't happening?" I want to block this insane conversation out but I need to find out exactly what hallucinations Finn has concocted.
"He didn't say anything about us Finn. He wants you to be happy. You've made it pretty obvious to the world you're not the same womanizer since…" Deep breath. I am not saying anything out loud. "You've changed. It's hard to believe but you have and he was just questioning it." Goodness knows I have and find it hard to believe.
I'm met with unconvinced eyes. "Violet…he knows."
"And what makes you think that oh wise one?"
"Well since you seem to need to avoid reality today let me fill you in on what you've missed. Your little brother hasn't let me out of his sight once today until now. I couldn't even check on you during your bathroom trip. He's kept me on this couch the entire time. Asking me question after question about you and your work and how you like in Four and how I've had to look after. How grateful he is, that he counts on me like a brother to watch out for you. Then he starts asking about me. At first I thought he was being genuine. But…and please don't tell me you didn't notice this…he wouldn't let up on calling me Finnick. Nobody calls me that. Except you. Except when we…" His voice drifts off and the pieces of the puzzle come together.
Last night we were alone. I wasn't that loud and we were in a completely different house. This morning we were alone. His tongue felt so good I couldn't help it. I left him and the door… the door was open. The face of my upset blonde-haired brother is the last piece. He didn't need to talk about his relationship. He needed to talk about mine.
It all fits. Finn wasn't careless. I was. I let my guard down and released my secret for my intruding brother to hear. Well now that he knows my secret one of us is going to die before I let him tell anyone else.