I wrap one hand around his and speak through the tightness beginning to form in my throat. He doesn't hear me the first time so I'm forced to say it a second time.
"That wasn't me. It was my mother. She…knows."
Silence fills the room. Neither of us breathes for what feels like a century. His hands are still glued to me but his eyes are off in the distance, most likely replaying his one-sided conversation with my mother. Finally he raises his eyebrows in acknowledgment. He slowly slips his hands away from my cheeks onto my hips. He eyes me cautiously before he speaks.
"She knows…"
"Yes." I whisper.
A small smile appears on his lips. "So it's over?"
Over? It's just beginning. The beginning of the end of the private relationship we had.
I shake my head but my tongue can't form single word.
He looks at me earnestly tightening his grip on both sides of my hips. "It is, Violet. She's probably told your father. There's no one left to tell except my mother. We can finally-"
I cut him off. "No, you're wrong…" The rest comes out in a jumble but the essence of my worries comes across loud and clear. Telling my mother is the catalyst in the rest of the world knowing. Now that she knows it's become real. Real enough even I can't make believe to the rest of Panem I'm not desperately in love with Finn Odair. He's going to follow me everywhere I go from now on. Only it's not just him following me. The cameras will be haunting our every movement, every glance. The reporters will be generating story after story based on what little truths they have film of. I'm not ready for it…any of it.
"It's ok, it will all be ok. I'll be with you every step of the way. Once they see how boring it is to-"
"You don't get it Finn! Our lives are going to be turned into a show. They can make a story out of everything…I leave early for work one day and we're breaking up. You look down at a baby and I'm denying you a child. It's going to be a circus of lies."
"So we won't watch television. We won't read the paper. We can live out the rest of our lives in ignorant bliss." He smiles sweetly at me and leans in to kiss me. Nothing I say seems to bother him. He thinks he can resolve this with some reassuring words and a kiss but he it's not enough to convince me. I stand up letting the blanket fall to the floor before he can get any closer.
"Don't you get it? We're never going to have a moment of privacy again. We're never going to-"
He hushes me by standing up also and grabbing me hard by the shoulders. "This insanity has to stop Violet. This day…however horribly depicted in your head was a good day. Maybe things didn't go according to plan but I for one am happy the truth is finally out there and you can't take it away."
He's definitely the insane one. But he's also sparked one last idea for reprieve. I could take away what happened. Or rather he could. We could say he was drunk…sleep walking…yes…he does it all the time in Four…it's a recurring thing he's been seeing doctors for. The wheels are churning in my head and it seems more perfect the more I think about it.
As my body relaxes in his grip he rightly so questions what's going on inside my head.
"We could...just because you said it doesn't mean it's true. You could tell her you were sleeping walking. You've been suffering from it for months. You've been pretending all day, what's one more story?"
"You're not serious?"
I'm nearly jumping up and down I'm so sure it will work. "You're not responsible for the things that come out of your mouth when you're sleeping. All the talk about Rowan's wedding, me visiting you…it just got all muddled in a dream. Did you say my name? You could have even been dreaming about Fern or Willow!"
He drops his hands from my shoulders as if I've beaten him in a crushing defeat. "Unbelievable. You are…something else Violet Mellark. This is the perfect situation for you. The truth has fallen into your mother's lap and you didn't have to say one word. And yet…it's not enough for you to accept. Accept? What am I saying? Finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with isn't something you should have to accept!" Finn's usual calm serene face is now showing signs of actual discomfort. "I'm not going to let you lie to them anymore. Either you face the truth or…." He doesn't finish the sentence but I have some idea what he wanted to say.
I back up hearing his ultimatum. He wouldn't. He doesn't mean it. He's burned into my subconscious that he will never leave me. That's my empty threat. He's just trying to get me to change my mind, to back down…like I always manage to get him to do.
"Finn…I just can't…"
"Just can't what Violet?" He challenges me to finish but I can see a faint shine in his eyes. "Can't love me no matter what? Can't find it in you to be true to what's meant to happen? Can't live happily ever after?"
I hate it when he's this honest with me. My body is shaking with guilt but I can't change what's at my core. And it's not like it's my fault. I'm just trying to find some solace in my life without having to give up everything I hold dear to the public's judging eye.
He purses his lips and takes half a step closer to me. "I need to know Violet. Right now. Can you do this for me? Can you love me? For better or worse…no matter what anyone else thinks or says?"
I want to give him the answer he wants…the answer he deserves. But I'm trapped by my fears. I don't know if I'll ever be brave enough to admit I want what he wants. So when I don't answer I know it's my fault. When I fall asleep curled up in ball in my bed alone I know it's from my own doing. When I wake up in a pool of dampness on my pillow I know I've lost the game that I had no right to play with Finn's heart.