"I do."
Cas sat more upright and looked into Dean's eyes.
"Heaven."
"Heaven? Really? That's it? That's your big secret?"
"I wasn't there by my own will, Dean. They captured me. They took me there. They were worried about me, I mean more than usual, and some of my memories from then are hazy. I knew they were going to come for me eventually. I just didn't know how to tell you."
"Who's 'they'?"
"The angels. All the rest of them. It's a mess up there, Dean. It always has been. I've always been different than the rest of them."
"What did they want you for?"
"Like I said, they were worried about me. They have been ever since I pulled you out of Hell. They said that from the moment I laid a hand on you, I began to develop human characteristics. They've been after me. They want to change me back. I've just done a good job of keeping away from them and keeping interaction to a minimum. I never let them close enough to take me, but I knew they'd get me one day. I didn't want you to think I was in danger. So I never said anything."
Dean didn't know what to say. Cas continued.
"They did things to me, Dean. Things I knew they would do. My 'angel radio' as you call it, they've, to put it simply, rewired it. That's why I can't hear your prayers. They cut off my contact with you. I was able to rebuild my connection with Sam, but ours was too deep to reconstruct. They felt you were at the core of my emotions."
"I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"I just feel like that's something I should say right now. You're hurt. You're broken."
"You don't need to apologize for anything, Dean. This is my fault."
"Don't say that."
"It is. If I hadn't resisted them, you wouldn't need to worry about me. I'd be safe."
"So why'd you resist?"
"Because otherwise, I'd still be an angel."
"You've fallen?"
"It's not that simple, Dean. Falling is a slow process when you don't rip out your grace. I'm not sure how long it will take. I'm going to lose my powers slowly."
"Why'd you do it?"
"I don't want to be like them anymore, Dean. I want to be human. I want to feel."
"Why would you want that?"
"It sounds better than taking orders and commands day after day, emotionless, like some sort of robot. I want to be happy and I want to be sad. I want to know what it's all like. I've felt some emotion before, but never to the extent of humans. I find it fascinating. I think that's what I want."
"Do you think it's worth it?"
"I guess I'll just have to wait and see."
Dean kissed Cas lightly on the mouth.
"I love you, Cas."
"Dean, I…"
"You don't have to say it back. I don't think you can feel love. Not yet, anyways."
"I wish I could. I suppose I will one day. I think I'll love you, Dean Winchester."
"One day."
"One day."
Cas shut his eyes for a moment, looking almost pained.
"What is it, Cas?"
"It's Sam. He's praying, Dean. He's worried about you."
"What else is he saying?"
"I don't know. It's hard to tell exactly what he's saying. But he sounds concerned, as he should be. It's fading. My connection's getting weaker with time."
"Is there any way you can tell him I'm alright?"
"No. It doesn't work both ways."
"You can't pop in?"
"No. Heaven probably already knows I've been there. They'll find traces of me, but they can't track me down. I can't go back there."
"Wait, if you're losing your powers, how are we supposed to get out of here?"
"They fade slowly, Dean. I won't be able to travel as far, and it'll wear me out. We have to stay on the move, but eventually we'll have to move slower."
Dean sighed audibly.
"What have I gotten myself into?"
"Don't worry, Dean. Everything's going to be okay."
"You can't promise me that. Sam's my little brother. I don't know if he's gonna try to finish this hunt on his own or if he's gonna go out looking for me… either way, he could get hurt. What the fuck have I done?"
"You've done nothing wrong, Dean. Sam will be fine."
"I shouldn't have left him."
"You'll see him again, I promise."
"I thought you said I'd never see you again if I didn't come with you."
"I did."
"So how will I see Sam again?"
"It's complicated."
"Complicated? What? Can you predict the future now?"
"No."
"Cas."
"What?"
"You confuse the shit out of me sometimes, you know that?"
Dean buried his face back in Cas's chest, taking in his warmth. Cas sank down and wrapped his free arm around Dean, holding him close. The wind began to pick up as the late afternoon approached sunset.
Cas took in every detail of Dean. He examined the freckles on his face and the crinkles by his eyes when he smiled. He felt the energy he gave off. It was as if he could feel love radiating off of him.
Cas simply enjoyed Dean.