I tried my best to write what might Jace feel when parabatai bond was shattered and destroyed. So yea.. meh -=-

Enjoy~

Today is the day when I will say good bye to my best friend. My parabatai. My brother. My partner.

Today is the day when I will say good bye to half of my soul. Today is the day where I am going to by buried with my parabatai. Today is the day where I will rest with my brother Alec.

Even when I am still alive – still breathing – still functioning. I feel like I am dead. I feel empty. I feel hollow. I feel also... hatred... lava melting hatred. I feel it in my blood. I feel it turning my heart into stone. I want to lash out to scream – punch – kick. Kill. I want to kill. I want to make people feel pain I felt when bond was ripped apart when my parabatai bond was shattered into million pieces. I want to make people feel this burning inside of me. This shattering. This pain. This sorrow.

I want someone to feel pain I feel I want someone to feel the way I feel.

I want feel blood running down my bare hands.

I want to kill.

It scares me a lot. What I feel.

When I felt that bond between me and Alec was wrong – when I felt like something was wrong. I jolted out of bed all dripping in cold sweat and shaking. I just knew something was wrong really wrong. It was even worst than being bonded to Sebastian. Even then I felt like there was someone else I should worry about I felt like something was missing, but deep down I knew that whoever was missing was fine. I just knew.

But this time... That terrible night I knew something was deep wrong. Clary half asleep probably noticed my waking up all of sudden asked me what was wrong. At that moment I didn't even hear her properly. All I could think was.

Where is Alec?

Is he fine?

Where is Alec? Where is Alec? All over and over again.

But what I felt was different I had this creepy feeling inside. That made me run grab my stele. Not even caring if anyone saw me dashing out of institute like Satan itself was on my heels. I didn't care that I looked really weird and un-Jace-cool that I was without a shirt only wearing pants and no shoes. I knew something was wrong. I had to find Alec. I had to make sure he was fine. I didn't hear Izzy nor Clary screaming my name and asking where I was going – was something wrong. I kept running.

I almost knocked out some stupid mundane s while running. Yes, I didn't even make myself glamour. That's how much I was scared. And panicking. Even when I tried to calm down and think straight I knew something was wrong deep wrong. This feeling was nagging me. All I could think was Alec. I was scared shitless. All I could think what could possibly be wrong. Why do I feel like this. Where is Alec.

Again and again and again.

This thought kept circling around my brain. Making my feel dizzy.

I didn't even know where I was running until I noticed that I was at the front door of Magnus Banes apartment. Well sure if Alec is not at institute he is here. I tried to calm myself down before Magnus opened door – because no way I was letting him see my like this. Even when I tried to I could not shake this feeling – feeling that something was wrong. It was creeping my out. After buzzing stupid ring and getting no answer I was ready to kick damn door in. If Alec was doing this on purpose I am going I swear to Angel kick his ass. Badly. Just before I was getting ready to get myself in apartment door swung open. I thought it was weird... No Magnus booming voice through speakers asking who the hell is disturbing or who the hell is disturbing his beauty sleep with Alec.

My eyes adjusted with dark entrance to apartment and I almost fell on my ass when I saw state that Magnus was in. No glitter. And I mean this dude walks like he has rolled in glitter. His hair hung down no spikes that I thought I could poke to blood if I touched them. No rainbow dash clothes. Something was terrible wrong. Feeling. This feeling was starting to make my panic and shake. All I could get out of my mouth was "Alec.."?

Sine I was shaking this badly my teeth's were even trembling. What I heard made me even confused was Magnus "Your little stupid brother and I broke up and he still has not collected his stuff from my fucking apartment. So what do you want? I am not in mood for talk with anyone. If you need warlock ask Alec I told him good warlocks name and telephone. Now leave me alone before I turn you into rat." All I could do was gab with my mouth probably wide open – till I understood finally what he had said to me.

And in next moment my fist was at his face. I did not care – I did not even think. I punched him. He was the one that made my brother sad? He was the one that had hurt him? Who he thinks he fucking is? How fucking dares he? All I could think then was that I wanted to fucking kill him. Make him pay for what I was feeling...

But next words out of his mouth made me dizzy with worry and this nausea feeling that something was terribly wrong.

"Jace, what the fuck? What s wrong? Is Alec fine? Why are you only wearing pants? Jace what is going on? JACE. WHAT. IS. WRONG?!"

Those words made my tremble so badly I felt myself falling down on ground and tears almost spilling out of my eyes. Instantly I knew that it was not something Magnus did. About break up. I saw that he still loved my brother. Even when sometimes I wondered if Alec was only boy toy to him. In other words all this relationship was just to weird to him. But he was happy as long as his brother was happy. But now saying warlock widely panicking and seeing fear in his eyes made Jace doubled over on ground and almost threw up.

Something was terribly wrong.

He started to see black dots across his eyes and felt like fainting or throwing up at the same time.

Whatever had caused his parabatai and warlock to break up was not something causing him feel this way.

Jace tried to stand up and while he supported himself with door handle. He managed to. He heard Magnus telling him something but all he could see was warlocks lips moving. No words came out. Jace felt like someone had ripped something out of him. Instantly he grabbed his parabatai rune. And it felt hot under his skin. Like it was being burning. He was to scared to look at it.

He was scared to find his parabatai rune red.

Red. Meant... his parabatai was dead or on edge of death.

With every second Jace grew even more and more scared.

Finally he heard warlock gasp and looked up to him. He saw Magnus was shaking and tears were running down his make up free cheeks. Finally he heard himself say:

"M-Magnus I think A-Alec i-i-s de-ad"

It felt like it was not him Jace talking. It felt like someone else was using his mouth. His voice. To tell this terrible sentence. Jace felt like he was being sucked in some black hole where is no hope. No light. Just nothing. He felt numb. He felt like something has ripped his soul to shreds and thrown around. While some pieces came back – others never. Other pieces were left all around.

Fading away.

He saw Magnus turn around and disappear to apartment. But he was to scared to move or even to think straight. He felt like he was having panic attack. After couple seconds or hours or minutes it felt all the same to Jace – Magnus returned while holding something. His vision was to blurry to see anything clearly. He saw Magnus shaking his head and grabbing his hand while murmuring something in weird language. Jace would have probably punched or said some sick joke in other times if Magnus was grabbing his hand, but now he was to scared to do anything. He was to scared and to numb. To feel himself being sucked into portal and then feeling like being dropped from second store houses roof. Next 10 minutes felt like dream. He just kept moving his legs and running while he felt like something was drifting away from him.

But then they ran down some stairs and were in tunnel. Jace would have thought it was really weird and would make another comment about running with glittery – free warlock down some dark creepy tunnel while being particularly half naked. But his mind was going over drive and he was scared. First time well second time in his life Jace was scared. First time he was scared when Alec got attacked my greater demon. When he was lying on ground and not moving. When he looked like he was already dead – if not slow fall of chest.

Jace`s mind kept repeating these images in his head. Over and over again. Jace wanted to shout to his mind to shut a fuck up.

But he could not.

Probably if he even opened his mouth to say something nothing would come out. He felt tears running down his cheeks. He didn't care. He heard Magnus say something but he didn't hear.

Jace blinked couple times and saw Clary looking at him with worried expression on her face. She knew that he was remembering that night. It was not like he could do anything about them. They were always there with him. In his dreams. While he was hunting. Trying to more likely it was only one thing probably that kept him from going insane. He tried to smile, but probably it was more like grimace and Clary hugged him and kept saying comforting words to him. While rubbing relaxing circles on his back. It was like he could not hear her voice.

Jace felt himself being sucked into that terrible night. A night that changed his life forever. A night that wake a monster in him he thought he never had. And never believed in.

After couple minutes of running Magnus suddenly stopped which made Jace run into his back and almost knock them both over. Jace walked in front and saw what made Magnus stop in his track. He saw what changed him forever.

Five feet away was a body.

Not moving body.

With pale skin. Raven black hair. And blood... There was so much blood. It made Jace throw up. After gagging everything that was in his stomach he lifted his head. Everything was in slow motion it felt that world had slowed down. All he could see unmoving body. And blood all around it.

He felt like someone punched all air out of his chest. He was gasping – while moving towards his broken parabatai body. He tried to keep repeating himself that this is someone else not his friend not his brother not his parabatai. He kept trying to make himself believe that his parabatai was safe and sleeping in Magnus apartment or institute.

Jace kept himself saying that this was only a nightmare a terrible nightmare, but with burning feeling in his hand he knew it was not a dream. It was to real to freaky to be dream.

But when he fell down on his knees where body lies he knew it was Alec.

Tears were making his vision blurry. Jace gently lifted his broken brothers head to his lap while brushing away some raven hair from Alec's forehead. Bloody forehead. Jace suddenly almost fell over when he saw his parabatai eyes slightly open and blue orbs were staring at him.

Jace never felt like this... He never felt so scared and lost he wanted Alec to hug him tell him it was only a sick joke. Then he would friendly kick Alec and they would both laugh about it. But again he knew this was not a dream as blood slowly spreading across his pants.

His fingers still brushing a fallen shadow hunters hair were stained in red. Jace wondered for a second if he was ever going to feel like his hands were not stained in blood again. He thought for a second to use stele and draw iritze rune on Alec, but he knew it would not work.

It was to late.

Unseeing blue orbs stared at his face. And Jace felt Magnus holding his brothers other hand trying to put his spirit back, but it was to late.

Alec was gone.

He was where Jace would join when time for him would come. Jace still kept brushing Alec's hair while trying to work out what exactly just happened everything felt like it was in slow motion. Like he was living in nightmare where everything slows down and drags you deeper and deeper to hell and darkness. Where is no light or hope.

Images were flying around his mind of him and Alec of their first hunt. Of how they met. How they became parabatai. How they messed about. How Alec always listened to him how he always found time for him. How he never judged him. How he called him brother from first day he got moved to live with Lightwoods. How he was the first one to accept him. How he always understood him even when he was being selfish and stupid. How he always protected him.

Jace felt how everything was crashing down around him. Tearing him apart. Leaving him hollow. Leaving him empty. All he could think was how he was all Clary past days never noticed how differently Alec acted. He never noticed his parabatais pain. He was to happy in his fucking world. When he found out that Clary was not his sister all he could think about was her.

Jace felt sick. He felt ashamed. He felt like it was his fault. And he felt something snap inside him.

He felt...

He looked over to Magnus. At that moment he wanted to kill warlock but he saw pain he saw tears he saw just how broken warlock was. Jace saw himself in warlock. He understood. He understood Magnus. Like never before. He saw that Magnus did same mistake as he did. They were both to happy in their own worlds to notice that something was wrong with Alec.

All hate towards warlock vanished. As fast as it came.

He gently closed his parabatais eyes. And kissed already cold forehead. Jace didn't even need to check his parabatai rune. He knew it was red.

Alexander.

His other half died along with him. Jace felt all numb and empty.

But he noticed two punctual wounds on Alec's neck. Vampire bite.

Terrible feeling – crashing everything inside him feeling. Filled his mind – made his heart beat faster. Made his tears to dry and replace with fury. Made his broken sobs into rage filled scream. Jace felt himself being filled with hate with anger and furry towards creatures that did this to his parabatai – his brother – his best friend.

Jace Lightwoods monster awake in him.

Making him see red. He gently laid down Alec's body to ground without looking back and stood up. He didn't look back. He didn't see how broken Magnus was he didn't want to. He didn't want to break down. He wanted this hatred – rage to fill him all making his mind dull. Making him numb. He crawled this feeling. He needed it.

Because Jace knew – he was going to kill everything that got in his way. He was going to kill till monsters that killed his other self pay. He was going to raise hell if he needs to. He was going to make them pay. He felt his heart being filled with furry. He felt himself start running – he didn't hear Magnus shouting his name. He ran into night.

Jace blinked couple times and noticed that Clary was still hugging him.

Still rubbing his back. But Jace knew he could not break. Until everyone who made Alec suffer pays the price. Until then he was going to lock his feelings down. He looked at Clary and he knew that she understood. Even when she didn't know Alec like he did. And she never was going to know. Jace realised that Clary really respected his brother and found his company enjoyable. Even when they did not get along at first she met him. Jace looked at Clary again. And she nodded like she knew what he was thinking maybe she really did. It was time to raise hell.

But at first it is time to attend his own and his parabatai funeral.