Disclaimer: I do not own Hey Arnold! and its characters and setting, Uncharted and its concept which I merely borrowed, and lyrics to the song "Glory Box" by Portishead.
A/N: Sorry for the delayed update. I have been preoccupied with all the personal non-romantic related stuff and updating my other fic, Hillwood Noir. I decided to take a break from writing Noir and update this one after so long. This chapter is a homage to the classic movie "The Graduate". Don't forget to leave reviews! ^^,
Are You Seducing Me, Mrs. Pataki?
Arnold left Rhonda's office quite happy. Everything seems to be brighter outside. The morning sun seemed to smile at him, the flowers were brighter in their colors, and the children's laughter were never as beautiful as before.
Who wouldn't be happy, when one just got twenty grand just easy as that?
As a reward for foiling Curly's evil plan and recovering her money, Rhonda gave twenty thousand dollars to both Arnold and Sid. Forty grand was a small price to pay to compared to the humiliation of being duped by a con artist like Curly. After the incident at Bebop's, the police came and locked up Curly for good, much to Rhonda's satisfaction. In addition to their reward, Rhonda gave his two art gallery employees two months paid vacation. They then said their deepest thanks and goodbyes to Rhonda, and left the Wellington-Lloyd Art Gallery grinning like Cheshire Cats.
Sid never wasted time in making arrangements for a cruise to the Bahamas together with his fiancee, Nadine. Sid would always tell Arnold that he always wanted to go to the Bahamas with Nadine, and both were saving up for their dream cruise. Now, they could never be happier.
Arnold smiled as he thought of what will he do with twenty grand. Like Sid, he exactly knew what to do with the money. He will fulfill his lifelong dream. He will now put his anthropology and archaeology double major degree into use. For years, there is just one thing that he was aching to do. Ever since he discovered the existence of his parents' journal and the map of their possible location, his desire to fulfill this one dream consumed him.
To have a foursome with Lila Sawyer, Helga Pataki, and Taylor Swift.
(Dammit, stupid brain!)
To go to an expedition in San Lorenzo to find his parents. Nothing else mattered in his life except for that.
And his girlfriend, Helga Pataki, of course.
Twenty thousand dollars was more than enough for him to go to San Lorenzo and get supplies needed for his long trek deep into the unexplored tropical jungle. He then thought that he can't do it alone. So he asked his best friend, Gerald Johanssen, to tag along with him in this expedition, since that his "barely legal" business was a bit slow nowadays. Barely legal - which means his business, or he puts it as "entrepreneurial ventures", involves scalping baseball game tickets, selling smuggled cheap China-made iPods and electronics, or selling bootleg amateur porn. He had so many close-brush with the law, and no matter how many times Arnold and his girlfriend, Phoebe Heyerdahl, berates him into quitting his business, he just kept on coming back for more.
At least this expedition might help Gerald gain a new perspective in life.
Surprisingly, faster than you can say "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift, Gerald excitedly agreed to tag along and help out in the expedition. Problem solved.
Now, all he needed to do was to tell his girlfriend, Helga, about his plans, and if possible, have her tag along as well.
Helga. They haven't talked for a while. Ever since she became a journalist for National Geographic magazine, she would spend months abroad covering her story, only to come back for a few weeks before going abroad again to cover a new story. They barely see each other, let alone talk as the stories she usually covers are in remote countries with little or no means of communication.
Perhaps he can go to their place and surprise her. She's done covering her story in Nepal, so she must be home. He donned his motorcycle helmet, he hopped into his Honda CBR1000 Fireblade, slid the ignition key into the keyhole and turned it, and pressed the starter, bringing the monstrous engine of his superbike to life. He then up revved the engine and sped towards the Pataki residence.
He then parked his superbike on the driveway, took off his helmet, and headed to the door, pressing the doorbell button twice. After a few seconds, blonde woman in her late 40s with square-framed glasses opened the door and smiled at him.
"Good morning, Mrs. Pataki," he smiled and greeted her. "Is Helga home?"
"Oh, you must be Helga's boyfriend," she said in her usual lethargic voice. "Uh, what's your name again? Arthur?"
"Arnold, ma'am."
"Oh yeah, Arnold! I remember you. You're that little football-headed boy who Helga was crazy about since she was little."
"Uh, yeah, I guess so, ma'am, hehe," he laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head.
"Oh, I see," Miriam nodded. "Oh goodness, how rude of me not to invite you in. Come in, Arnold." She then held the door open for him, smiling.
"Thanks, Mrs. Pataki." Arnold then went in. Miriam led him to their living room. Inside, Arnold looked around, checking their family portrait that hung at the middle of the room.
"Make youself at home, Arnold," Miriam said as she disappeared behind the counter of their mini-bar. At the corner of the living room was a mini-bar, where Miriam headed right away. Arnold made himself comfortable on the leather couch, putting his motorcycle helmet on the coffee table.
"What do you drink, Arnold?" she asked as she got two glasses behind the counter.
"Oh, Mrs. Pataki, I'm not really drinking. Besides, I'm driving," he refused politely.
"Call me Miriam," she said. "So what will you be having? Bourbon? Scotch? Whiskey? Rum?"
"Mrs. Pat-, I mean, I don't really drink, Miriam. And I'm on a motorcycle," he sheepishly said.
Miriam looked darkly at him, breaking a sly smile, "I insist, Arnold."
Arnold gulped, and smiled awkwardly, "Ummm...Jack Daniel's on the rocks?"
After a few minutes, Miriam returned with their drinks, handing a glass to Arnold. She sat on a sofa right in front of Arnold, and crossed her legs.
Arnold gulped hard as Miriam gazed at him, smiling coyly as she sipped her drink. At 50s, her beauty still showed. She played idly with the strands of her shoulder-length straight blonde hair, fixing her half-lidded gaze to Arnold with her clear blue eyes. Although age was catching up with her, she undoubtedly still beautiful. Arnold now knew where Olga and Helga got most of their genes from. She teasingly adjusted the straps of her sundress, and then gazed at him half-liddedly. The word "MILF" and "cougar" suddenly popped into his head. Stupid brain, always inserting dirty thoughts at the most inappropriate moments.
"So, Miriam, is Helga home?" Arnold asked, trying to break the awkward silence.
"Helga? Oh, she just left yesterday, actually. She was assigned in...uhmm, what that country again? It's somewhere in Central America...San Andreas? San Lopez?"
Arnold's eyes widened, "San Lorenzo?!"
"Oh yeah, San Lorenzo! She was assigned by National Geographic to cover a story. She's with her Asian friend. She's her photographer, I think. Her name was...ummm...Penelope?" she scratched her head, trying to recall the name.
"Phoebe?! Phoebe Heyerdahl?!" he looked at her in desbelief.
"Oh yeah, Phoebe. Yeah, they left a few days ago."
"Oh," Arnold said, disappointed. Once more, he missed the opportunity to see Helga. But deep inside, he felt happy, and a bit excited, to know that Helga was in San Lorenzo. Perhaps they could meet up there, and join him in his search for his parents. He's sure Helga would never say no to a little adventure.
"Umm, do you have Helga's number, Miriam?" Arnold then asked.
"Oh, I'm afraid Helga left no numbers for us to call. But that's normal. She usually calls us through Skype whenever she gets the chance."
"Oh," Arnold said, dejected. He then took his helmet and stood up. "Well, I guess I'll be leaving now, Miriam. Thanks for the-"
"Sit down, Arnold. Finish your drink," Miriam said in a sultry voice.
"But-"
"No buts. It's an invitation. It's rude to turn down an invitation, especially mine," she said sternly, then flashed a coy smile at him after giving her a wink.
"Well, I could definitely use a drink," Arnold gulped hard, then took a two gulps from his glass.
"My oh my, it's too quiet in here. Wanna see what's on TV, Arnold-dear?" she asked him.
"Uhmm, sure, Mrs. Pata-, I mean, Miriam ," Arnold stammered.
She just smiled impishly as she took the remote control and and pushed a button, bringing the 60-inch TV to life. It's currently tuned in to a news network.
"In our news, tensions rise in San Lorenzo as the rebel forces under General La Sombra, the army chief-of-staff and the leader of the coup d'etat that started early this year, closes in to the capital city San Pedro Norte. President Juan Villaflores assured that everything is under control, and that the rebel forces will be repelled soon. But General La Sombra made an announcement that San Pedro Norte will be in their hands in less than a month..."
"I hope Helga's safe. And Mom and Dad as well..." he thought upon seeing the news.
"Boring news," Miriam slurred as she pressed the remote control, changing the channel to a business news network.
"In other news, British industrialist Rex Smythe-Higgins III, the heir to the Smythe-Higgins industrial conglomerate, recently announced his plans to acquire the Future Tech Industries and include it to his growing network of companies. It can be recalled that FTi stocks crashed after the its former CEO Max Scheck was caught in the infamous neighborhood scandal, reducing FTi into a shell company. With this new acquisition, Smythe-Higgins announced his intention to expand his business to Central America...
Miriam yawned, "More boring news." She then pressed the remote control, switching the TV to a daytime talk show.
"Today here in our show, we have our guest Hilda, who suspects that his boyfriend Arnie might be cheating on her...WITH HER OWN MOTHER, MARIANNE!" Sound of the audience shouting "Ooooh!" "Let's welcome, Hilda..."
"I'm not a fan of Tori Dovich and his talk show," Miriam declared before changing the channel once more. Another daytime talk show, but this time, the two female blonde guests were having a slap-fest, screaming expletives, hitting each other as burly bouncers try to pull them apart from one another before they tear each other apart with their bare hands, while the audience cheered them, encouraging them to hit each other more.
"You *bleep!* *bleep!* *bleep!* woman! How could you do this to me! You were my mother! You *bleep!*! You stole my boyfriend! How could you sleep with my boyfriend?! You're a *bleep!*"
Arnold can't help but to stare dumbly at the TV screen as the younger blonde and her "mother" continued trading blows and expletives being bleeped out on national TV. The gods of irony must be having a field day today, he thought. He tugged his collar a bit, feeling uncomfortably warm.
"Urgh, I hate the Terry Stinger Show. All they do is to beat the crap out of each other on national TV. I'm wondering at times whether the whole thing's staged or not."
Arnold chuckled awkwardly at Miriam's commentary before she switched the channel to a music channel. A classic 90s trip-hop music video was currently playing.
"Ah yes, that's more I like it," Miriam grinned, putting the remote down, leaning back on the sofa, propping her arm on it as she sippped her rum cola. She gazed half-liddedly at Arnold, flashing an mischevous smile every now and then, which made the poor blond boy uneasy. There's no denying the Arnold had grown into a fine man. Standing at 5'10", well-toned body, tanned skin, cool verdant eyes, dirty blond hair, and an amiable personality to boot. No wonder Helga went gaga for this boy, Miriam mused. Unlike Bob...
Miriam's not half-bad either. Even at her age, she's still attractive, Arnold thought. The opening bars of the music began playing from the TV.
"I'm so tired of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress for so long..."
"So Arnold, what do you do?" Miriam asked.
"Umm, I work at the Wellington-Lloyd Art Gallery. You know, the one down Eastwood Avenue," Arnold replied, before taking a sip from his glass.
"I see," she nodded as she playfully twirled her blonde hair with her finger.
Miriam gave Arnold a sultry gaze, "Arnold."
"Yes, Mrs. Pat-, I mean, Miriam?" he replied, stuttering a bit. He was feeling a bit of buzz rising up up to his head.
"May I ask you a question?"
Arnold nodded.
"What do you think of me?"
"What do you mean?" he asked back.
"You and Helga had been together had been together for a while now, and she must have told you stories about me, so you must have formed an opinion of me," she said, taking another sip of her rum coke.
"Well, I always thought you were, ummm...a nice person," Arnold said before taking in a gulpful of his whiskey.
"Did you know I was an alcoholic?"
Arnold gulped hard, enough to be heard by Miriam, "What?"
"Did you know that?" she said, before smiling impishly at him.
Arnold looked at her awkardly, not having a slightest idea on how to answer her question. He was sweating bullets. He had watched enough porn to know where this was going.
"Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be...a woman
I just wanna be a woman..."
He downed the contents of his glass in a single gulp, and then he then abruptly stood up, placing his glass on the coffee table.
"Look...I think I should be going..."
"Sit down, Arnold." Miriam said sternly. She's obviously not herself at that moment.
"Mrs. Pataki, if you don't mind me saying so, this conversation is getting a little strange..."
Miriam just coyly gazed at Arnold.
"Now, I'm sure Mr. Pataki will be here any minute now..."
"No," Miriam curtly interrupted.
"What?" Arnold looked at her incredulously.
"My husband will be back quite late. He should be gone for several hours," she said in her usual lethargic, but this time, sultry voice.
Arnold looked at her in disbelief. He turned his back at her, walking aimlessly around the living room, running his fingers into his dirty blond hair.
"Oh my God..." he sighed exasperatedly.
"Pardon?" Miriam raised an eyebrow at him.
"Oh no, Mrs. Pataki. Oh no.." he said, shaking his head, walking abck and forth across the room.
"What's wrong?"
"Mrs. Pataki, you didn't...I mean, you didn't expect..." Arnold stammered.
"What?" Miriam looked at the poor confused blond man, smirking, taking pleasure from his confusion and his inner clash of morals.
"I mean you didn't really think I'll do something like that, hehe," Arnold laughed nervously.
"Like what?"
"What do you think?" Arnold looked at her darkly.
"Well, I don't know," Miriam replied, resting her one foot on to the coffee table, giving Arnold a clear upskirt view of her white lacy underwear.
"Achtung! Panty alert! Panty alert!" a small voice inside Arnold 's head screamed. His eyes almost popped out of its sockets when he got clear glimpse of Miriam's, ehem, package.
"For God's sake, Mrs. Pataki..." trying to avert his gaze from Miriam. She began giggling, taking ill pleasure from Arnold's confusion.
"Here we are, you got me into your house, you gave me a drink, you...put on music, now you start opening up your personal life to me, and tell me your husband won't be home for hours?"
"So?" Miriam asked.
"Mrs. Pataki, you're trying to seduce me..." Arnold declared. Miriam just laughed at him shrilly.
"Aren't you?" Arnold followed through.
Miriam calmed herself down from laughing, and crossed her legs, "Well, no, I haven't thought of it. I feel very flattered."
"Mrs. Pataki, will you forgive me for what I just said?" Arnold asked apologetically.
"It's alright-" she tried to assure the confused man.
"It's not alright. It's the worst thing thing I have ever said to anyone..."
"Sit down."
He sat back on his couch across Miriam and fidgeted while seated, "Please forgive me because I like you. Not like you like you, but I think you're as beautiful and lovely as your daughters are..."
"It's alright. Here, have some more to drink," Miriam poured more whiskey on to Arnold's glass.
"Mrs. Pataki, it makes me sick that I said that to you..." he said ruefullly.
"Well, forget it right now and finish your drink."
"What is wrong with me?" he continued ruefully, taking a sip of his whiskey.
"Would you like to see Helga's portrait?" Miriam said on a tangent.
Arnold looked at her, puzzled by the suddent shift in the conversation.
"Her portrait?"
"Yes."
"No."
"We got it done last Christmas. Would you like to see it?" Miriam asked him.
"Very much," Arnold replied. Finally, something to get him out of this awkward situation.
Miriam stood up and led Arnold upstairs, "It's here in Helga's room."
She then opened her room and turned on the lights. Arnold looked around Helga's room. Almost everything was covered in pink: the sheets, curtains, wallpaper, evern her dresser and closet is painted pink. There it was, in the middle of the room hung Helga's portrait, executed on oil on canvas. She's one lovely goddess, she thought. She was looking straight to his eyes, her shimmering blue orbs full of life, smiling slightly, her wavy blonde hair framed her lovely face. She got her mother's eyes, and unfortunately, her father's temperament. Although she somewwhat mellowed down lately, she's still notorious for her occassional outbursts. Arnold smiled at the memory of her outbursts that he has to endure. Oh how he missed Helga.
Arnold was lost in gazing at Helga's portrait that he didn't notice Miriam had snuck behind him and shut the door.
"Helga is certainly an attractive girl, isn't she," he remarked, still gazing at the portrait.
"Mhmm," she replied, sliding the door chain close. She then stealthily slid her hand on to the door knob, and pressed the lock close. The click made Arnold turn around, only to see Miriam barring the only way out of this room.
"M-Mrs. Pataki...?"
"Arnold.." she purred as she pushed the straps of her sundress over her shoulders...and the next thing Arnold knew was Miriam was standing before him, wearing nothing but her bra and panty. His jaws would have literally dropped on the floor at that time. Arnold's eyes would have literally popped out of its sockets at that moment.
"Holy Lord, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Krishna, Flying Spaghetti Monster...!"
"Beeewwwwbs..." he whimpered incoherently as he literally froze on the spot where he stood at the sight of almost naked Miriam.
"Don't be nervous," Miriam tried to reassure the already-panicky Arnold.
"Let me out...get away from that door..." he squeaked nervously.
"I want to say something first," Miriam looked at him dead in the eye.
"Jesus Christ..."
"Arnold, I want you to know that I'm very much available to you, and if you won't sleep with me this time..."
"Oh my Christ..." he wailed.
"...I want you to know that you can call me up anytime you want and we'll make some kind of an arrangement..."
"God..." he groaned nervously.
"Did you understand what I just said?"
"Yes, yes, let me out..." Arnold nodded nervously.
"Coz I found you very attractive, and I would like to know what is it in you that made Helga go gaga over you..." she then smiled at him naughtily.
"Yes, yes, let me out now..." Arnold kept nodding nervously. He turned his head to the window when he heard a sound of a car pullling up the driveway. An image of a very angry man he feared most flashed on his head.
Big Bob!
"Oh Jesus! That's him!" he almost screamed as he forcibly shoved Miriam out of the way and unlocked the door. He panicked when the door refused to open, caught by the door chain.
"Oh shit, no!" he even panicked more when he could not even undo the door chain. After some futile, clumsy attempts , he was able to unlatch the door chain, and bolted downstairs to the living room where he swiped his helmet, went for the door, and bolted to his superbike faster than a greased lightning.
There he realized that the car he heard pulling up into the driveway was their neighbor's, not Bob Pataki's. He let out a big sigh of relief. He looked back at the Pataki residence. No, there's no way he's gonna get back in there. Lesson learned: never go to the Pataki Residence, unless you are 100% sure that Helga is in there.
He never imagined Miriam would be such, ehem, a seductress. Who could blame her? With a blowhard husband such as Big Bob and an uneventful life as a plain housewife, he somewhat understood why she made a move on him. He wondered if she ever hit on somebody else other than Arnold. Poor Bob, being cuckolded by his wife. He had it coming though.
Now is not the time with the Pataki's domestic troubles, he thought. He needs make preparations for their upcoming trip to San Lorenzo. With the political situation there deteriorating fast, it would be a matter of time before the government issues a travel ban to that country. They need to go there before things gets any worse.
"Phoebe, Helga, Mom, Dad. Be safe for me, please," he prayed silently, before he donned his helmet, slid and turned the ignition key, and gunned the monstrous engine of his superbike back to life. He then sped away from the Pataki Residence.
Unknown to him, he was being watched the whole time. Two men were in their car, watching Arnold from a distance. The blond, burly man on the driver's seat took out his cellphone and dialled a number. After a few rings, a male voice with a clear British accent answered.
"Yes, Wolfgang, what is it?" the British guy on the other end of the line said..
"Boss, he's on the move. He must be on his way to get tickets or something," the blond, burly man reported.
"Good. Keep an eye on him. Report his movements every half an hour. Stay hidden. And, at all costs, do not harm him in any way. He's our only key to getting the Corazon," the British guy sternly instructed.
"Yes, Boss. Understood," he replied, then pressed the END button on his phone. He started the engine, and drove to the same direction where Arnold sped away to.
A/N: The dialogue between Arnold and Miriam was lifted directly from the scene in the classic movie "The Graduate" where Mrs. Robinson (Anne Bancroft) was trying to seduce Benjamin (Dustin Hoffman). Sorry if this chapter was longer than necessary. I guess I got carried away with the "seduction scene". Don't worry, the next chapter will be action-packed, with no dilly-dallying or whatsoever. We will be jumping straight right into the heat of the action. So r&r, people. ^^,