Today is day where I will bury my brother.
Today is day where I am going to be left alone as real Lightwood child.
I still have Jace he is like brother to me and I can call him brother, but... well he is not Alec...– Clary – Simon and Magnus in a way. If he shows up. Because after that terrible night that changed my point of view about world forever he locked himself in apartment didn't answer phone or door.
Just like me. I know how I look outside how we all look outside to others. Wearing black while we should wear white. White is colour of death – but not even one of us can face the fact that Alec...Is gone...Forever... And... I should blame Magnus I know I should, but what could it do? What good could come out of this? Nothing. My brother is gone. My listener – my should to cry on is gone.
But I feel empty – hollow. And angry. I feel like I am standing on thin ice that could break any moment and I would fall down into darkness with no way out. It is even worse than Max's death.
I loved my little brother, but probably not as much as I did love Alec. I mean... Alec was always one taking blame – always one taking care of us. Always the one that we could look up to. He was the one that would hold together no matter what. He was like ground under my feet. Without him I am falling down. Slowly falling down towards abyss. Now I feel like I am going to snap and go mental. Maybe start laughing like mad – maybe.. maybe break down and scream. I don't know.
And it scares me not knowing what will happen next.
I am worried about Magnus even after everything I saw him and I saw myself in him in a sort of way. We both were happy with world to notice that something was wrong with Alec. I know we should have... I feel so fucking frustrated with myself now.
Why I didn't saw?
Why I didn't notice?
What if I did? What if? Would Alec still be here among us now?
This what it is killing my inside.
Eating my alive. But also I am fucking angry with people – how they all pretend they knew Alec how all Clave pretend that they fucking care. They did not even give a shit about Alec. How they treated him. Never listened to him. And now they fucking care?! Now they fucking do? When it is fucking to late? I hate my mother and father I hate them I feel anger towards them that I didn't think I had.
They didn't even consider showing up. To their fucking sons funeral! How could my family be so fucked. Now I stand with people I can call family – we are all to angry to agree with Alec being gone. We all wear black. We all are in gears. We all are going to fight. We all are going to break everything set everything on fire and ice. Let hell break free.
Me. Simon even when he did not know Alec at all mostly he is here standing with me holding my hand. He looks like angel of death if not fangs. He is showing them. It means he is angry – angry like me with everything and how everyone is suddenly pretending how they fucking care. In his black jeans. Black leather jacket. And kick ass new rock boots. He looks like someone you would never mess with.
I am holding my golden whip in my other hand. I feel like swinging it and snapping some necks of people that pretend they fucking care all of sudden. I can see Clary with her red hair she looks like fire. And she is also in her gear. With runes all over. I can see pain in her eyes. She really did like Alec I know now. She told me once before that she thought it was cool to have friend as Alec. I can see it now I can see pain and hatred in her eyes making them shine – she is carrying hatred like us. She is to angry to let realisation sink that Alec is gone. I am even scared myself to look at Jace. He looks like death – like death god. With his golden eyes and hair he should look like angel of hope of something. But it feels like hatred and anger is pulsing out of him.
You can feel it. When you go near him. I know he feels pain... Probably more than any of us. But I can see furry in his eyes. I am worried... also. If he breaks I am sure we will all break. In a way he is that thin ice I am standing on. He is one holding us all together. We all have seraph blades with us and Simon has bow.
I noticed that it is my brother bow.
I can feel my eyes getting watery and I take in deep breath. Simon notices it and squeezes my hand, I squeeze back. He looks at my and smiles even when it doesn't reach his eyes. I am sure none of us are going to have real smiles any time soon.
look around, but I cant see Magnus I want him here. Sort of. I want to make him realise that we all are still there for him. Heck... even Jace asked me if Magnus was coming. He wanted him to come.
In a way we are one strange fucked up family that is about to rise hell on earth to people who did this to Alec. To people who are pretending that they fucking care. I can feel my eyes getting watery again so I close them and remember night.
A night that changed my forever.
When I woke up hearing loud crash and someone running. I was in mood to kill Jace. I knew it was him who else could walk like elephant in middle of freaking night. While I was having my beauty sleep. Yea. I know I just sounded like Magnus. But really girl needs her beauty sleep. Oh well... I walked down my room and opened door ready to use my whip and knock some sense into blonde jock.
But when I saw him. Everything went crashing down. My whip fell out of my hand and with soft "thumb" fell down on wooden floor. Something was terribly wrong with Jace. His eyes were scared – he kept looking around as if looking for someone. For a moment I thought Sebastian got him somehow since he was missing. But then I heard Jace mumble "Where is he...Alec...Where are you...Where is Alec" it might looked a bit weird. I mean half naked Jace chanting my brothers name. But I knew something was wrong. I tried to call him ask him what's wrong and where he was running to while Clary joined my on steps. But it was to late Jace didn't even turn around. He stormed out of institute door like Satan itself was on his heels.
Panic was slowly over taking me. But I tried to calm myself down and kept repeating myself everything was fine. I looked over at Clary and she had same expression as I had probably. She looked confused and panicked. I fast ran to my room and called Magnus since if Jace kept repeating Alec's name maybe something was wrong with her brother. She was to scared even to think this way. But Magnus never answered phone. No matter how many times she called. Izzy felt herself start to panic and took deep breaths.
Something was wrong she just knew she could feel it in her hearth. She felt like something was squeezing it. It was painful. She didn't notice that she was on floor till Clary ran to her room and shouted her name while holding phone to her ear and speaking fast. Izzy was to dizzy to hear words Clary was saying it was like everything went mute – all she could think that was something bad. Really bad have happened. It was like all over again. With Max. She tried to brush this feeling off. But it clung to her life disease. She couldn't do it – Izzy knew she should stand up and run after Jace, but her body felt like it was not belonging to her.
She couldn't move. She could feel Clary standing up and leaving room – but it was as if her voice was gone she could not get words out. Only tears were running down her pale cheeks.
It felt like eternity when she felt cold arms around her waist pulling her into hug. She buried her face in cold chest and sobbed. Even when she wanted to stop she could not. It was like she was not in control with her own body once again. After what it felt like hours. Izzy stopped sobbing and returned hug. She looked up and saw worried expression on Simon's face. Handsome face. It made Izzy almost giggle almost. Instead she saw him bending down his head and capturing her lips in sweet kiss. She kissed back. But she could not shake feeling that something was wrong. Izzy looked into Simon's eyes and it seemed like he understood. Just nodded her. And took her hand while walking out a room.
Clary was waiting outside room with a small smile on her face. But Izzy could see that red headed friend was worried since she kept chewing her lower lip. Which reminded Izzy of her brother.
Instant cold wave washed her over leaving her trembling. Izzy felt this feeling that something was terrible wrong taking her mind. She saw Simon and Clary nodding. Then in next second Simon was gone. But back in couple minutes – hours – seconds? Izzy was to scared to notice how long he was gone.
Simon said something to Clary and Clary started to tremble. Her cheeks were stained with tears. She was shaking her head violently. Simon also looked on verge of crying his bloody vampire tears. She heard him say word "Alec..Sorry.. Clary...I don't know...Izzy" Izzy lifted her head and said something she would half regret later. "I want to see my brother. Where is my brother? I want to see Alec" Both of her friends and well sort of boyfriend nodded and Clary opened portal. Izzy saw only darkness. But she was to scared to think how Clary would know that place. She walked over.
And almost fell over.
She saw Magnus at first fallen on knees in front of someone. When she saw who it was she almost fainted. Izzy felt scream leave her mouth as she ran over figure lying in puddle of blood. His own blood. It was her brother.. It was Alec.. Her brother... her big brother...her shoulder she could cry on... person she could rely on. He was lying there all broken – and pale like fallen angel. It gave creepy contrast even when some weird part of her brain found it fascinating the way his skin – white skin looked with dark red blood.
But it was only small part of her brain. Izzy felt herself falling to knees and cradling her brothers head in her lap. While tears were flooding down her cheeks. Making her see blurry.
Her brother Alec was dead. Gone. Forever. Gone!
Like Max. All over again. She felt like her heart was ripped away. She screamed into night. Cold night. Which made Magnus flinch he was still holding Alec's hand. While tears were running down his cheeks. Izzy felt arms around her once again pulling her away from her brother she wanted to push those arms away she wanted to go with her brother she was so broken inside. She felt like everything was being drowned into sorrow into pain and fear. She wanted to by with her big brother. She wanted him to hold her like he always when they were young and she had nightmares – because she felt like she was in nightmare now she wanted Alec to tell her that everything was going to be fine.
But someone was taking her away from her brother. She tried to kick but it was like child trying to kick grown up. She was being carried away... And then everything went black.
Izzy blinked couple times remembering how Simon told her that he took her away. How she fainted. He told her everything that had happened how nobody could find Jace and when he came back to institute he was all covered in blood witch made Clary almost have panic attack. How later he shut himself to Alec's room and told everyone to leave him alone.
How Clave came how they took Alec's body away.
How Magnus left. And nobody could reach him.
How Jace said he was with Magnus. Later. How they were hunting vampires all night. How Magnus after left more broken than before. How Magnus asked Jace to kill him.
But what made Izzy feel hatred towards Clave and her parents. Was how they treated like they fucking care. How when she woke up almost after week they said because of shock she had well and went down stairs it was full with people from circle how they all pretended to fucking care.
When they were the ones who made fun of Alec – never listened to him. Izzy heard someone saying that her parents could not come – they were to busy with their duties. Izzy remembered how it made her see red with all furry she felt. How Jace came down with murderous look at told everyone to get a fuck out of their house. How he shouted at everyone how he punched some other shadow hunters.
How even Clary snapped when everyone started to blame Magnus. How Simon had to hold her down before she started to land punches herself. How in the end everyone still made Magnus look like one who killed Alec. When vampire who did that were still there out waiting for next person to kill.
They still fucking blamed someone who always helped them. Izzy realised how much hatred she had towards them. In the end they all left saying it was Alec's funeral in couple hours. How they all flinched then. How Izzy sent fire message to Magnus because he never answered his phone. And Simon said whenever he went there warlock never answered door and all apartment was in dark. Izzy remembered how they all went to their rooms how Simon said he will be back in 5mins he had to change. How they all emerged from room with our hunting sets and weapons without words how Simon came wearing similar clothes. How they all had so much hate inside of them to fucking realize that Alec was truly gone.
I blinked couple times and opened my eyes. I felt hollow inside and I felt angry. Deadly angry. I was still holding Simon's hand in mine. We looked at each other and we both knew what both of us were thinking. He slightly nodded. This was funeral. But it was not funeral for Alec. He was still here with us even when we could not see him – it was feeling. Feeling that he was with us.
We were going to make people who hurt one we all loved to play then we will die or we will let feeling being unlocked and let grief and pain take us away. But now we were standing still like black fallen angels in sea of white. And we were ready to fight.
I turned around and I saw Magnus. When I saw him I knew we were not going to break.
We were in a way one weird family now. We lost one we loved. We found something we never had. We found monsters inside of us. They were ready to leash out and destroy.
We were ready to destroy the world.
And Magnus like Jace was ground under our feet now.