Fuck You

Jace thought while standing motionless and watching how his parabatai coffin was being carried. With his best friend – brother... everything that made him Jace. Not Jace – the one who would shut everyone out. Who would push everyone away. Who would ignore everyone. Not the Jace that would only find pain and darkness in his life. Alec made him Jace he is. Or at least was. At first Jace found it annoying how Alec always listened to him and never said how stupid his plan was or how stupid himself he was. Alec always made Jace feel like he belonged in institute. Alec made him see world in different colours.

Yes, he was really happy to be with Clary, but she was not the one who made him who he was. Alec from first day tried to involve him whenever he was going or doing – even when Izzy at first found it hard to be with Jace. Alec kept Jace away from going more into the darkness – he was when he first met Lightwoods.

ace wanted to tell Alec to "Fuck You" for leaving him. For making him be happy first time in life – he Jace before everything went down hill – was happy with his life. He had best girlfriend ever. He had awesome sort of sister Izzy. He had best friend – best brother and parabatai Alec. In a way he started to enjoy Simon's company and began to tolerate sparkly warlock. Jace felt like he belonged somewhere – where he wanted to be.

All thanks to Alec – if not him. Jace knew he would not have met Clary or anyone. He would have ended locking himself in. Leaving everyone out – not letting anyone in. Alec gave him hope and he made Jace to believe that world was happy place. And it was taken away from him. When he truly was happy and was hoping for happy future and feeling of happiness and love. It has been taken from him.

He being dragged to that scarred boy he was before. He was dragged to monster he was before. He was becoming a Jace he was before and he hated it. Even when in a way it kept him walking – and … it kept him from breaking apart.

Jace looked at brown dull coffin where his illusion of perfect world was lying. Even when his heart was breaking apart – crashing into million pieces. Even then in a way Jace wanted to shout out "Fuck You" for making him into something he never wanted to be again. Into something that was worst than it was before million times – worse. Even when he wanted it – he knew he still hated it.

Magnus wanted to scream words that scared him. He wanted to scream out loud "Fuck you" over and over again. How Alec made him enjoy life again. How Alec made him feel like he belonged. How Alec made him feel like he was not freak. How Alec made him blush. How Alec made him smile. Smile a true smile. How Alec made him be happy with every single second of his life.

How Alec made him think about future – not lonely future with parties that didn't mean anything to him – with fake smiles. With everything fake. How Alec made him be nervous and excited at the same time whenever he saw him. How Alec made Magnus feel alive for a first time in his long life. How Magnus loved Alec's lips against his own. How much Magnus loved holding Alec and feeling him – how much he loved his little shadow hunter. How much Magnus loved the way Alec always blushed.

How much Alec made Magnus love him and his life in first time in his long – long life. How Alec made Magnus feel like a teenager again instead of old warlock he was. How Alec made Magnus everything he was not before. Caring – loving – blushing – acting like lovestruck teenager. Magnus wanted to shout out "Fuck You" because everything he loved because of Alec was taken away from him – has been ripped from his hands. He wanted to shout out "Fuck you" for making me who I am – and taking it away. "Fuck You" for talking with Camille – for letting him leave him alone in fucking tunnel. For making Magnus feel all this pain – for making him realize how stupid and pathetic he was. For making him realize that it was all his fucking fault. Magnus wanted to shout out those two words. Even when it hurt.

He still loved Alec – he loved him more than anything. And he was so fucking mad for letting it be taken away from him with wide hands.

Izzy was getting frustrated – angry – sad. Everything. Like her mind wanted to go over drive and explode. Or something. She wanted to do something. Before she went insane with all emotions she was facing. She looked up to coffin which now has been rested on ground – before going for final rest. Final... While she knew what inside wooden box was. Izzy wanted to scream and wake up from this nightmare. But... this... this nightmare was part of her life now. She was living in nightmare. Which made her angry. She chanted over and over again in her mind "Fuck you, Alec for making me face this – for not talking with me like before – for making her think everything is fine. For pretending to be fine. For letting himself … for... for letting damn vampire suck his life out of him. For making her feel like it was Max was all over again – just in thousand times stronger emotions. Thousand times worst. She wanted to shout "Fuck you" for leaving her. For making her live in nightmare. But mostly she wanted to shout out those horrible words because she was not ready to let him go even when he was gone forever. Izzy wanted to shout out those words because she knew she was going to break apart when her anger fades away.

But even then 3 people who was going through hell more and breaking apart more than anything felt their minds drifting around words like.

Fuck lies.

Why did Alec lie to them all in a way. Telling them he was fine. Pretending everything was fine. How he went behind Magnus back – how he talked with bitch like Camille. How he lied to everyone with things like "I am fine – Don't worry – Nothing is wrong. When everything was wrong. When Alec was far away from being okey.

Fuck her. Fuck Camille for toying with Alec feelings and making him ever more confused. For telling it all to Magnus.

Fuck tears.

Fuck happiness that have been taken – ripped from them away.

Fuck life. For making it living nightmare now. For making them all to blind to see one they all loved being in pain.

Fuck that.

Fuck them. Them all Clave – parents – Circle for fucking pretending.

Fuck words. That hurt and made them boil in volcanic anger. "Alec is dead" for them all it was to painful to.. soon they were all not ready to let go. Fuck how everyone said words when they were it was only lies and pretending.

Fuck fear. For being being scared to fall apart to realise Alec was gone forever... In Magnus case fear of not being able to make his plan. Come true. Fear of realising he cant have Alec back again. For realising he killed his love – with his words and actions. By leaving him alone.

Fuck feelings. From hate to love and from fear to sadness. Feelings that were making them all see red and boil in sorrow and rage. For making them feel cold and hot – shaky and motionless.

Fuck love.

Fuck alcohol. It didn't help any of them – just made feel worse.

Fuck me.

Fuck betrayal. Feeling like Alec betrayed them by not telling them truth. For talking with Camille.

Fuck apologies. They never said.

Fuck anger.

Fuck opinions. Opinions that made this nightmare to come real.

Fuck hurting.

Fuck pain.