IMPORTANT!
I am asking if anyone would like to help my write and improve this story.. since my main language is not english , sometimes it is problem for me.. And well if well anyone is interested in doing this PM me or leave comment... Dunno sorry again... x_x i feel so noobish now sorry again all! i am trying my best i am really ._. well i hope you like this chapter guys r/r if you want :L
This is sort of Alec point of view and not.. I really dont know anymore how this story is going to end haha
I feel like I am floating in air. Only emptiness and numbness surrounds me. I cant feel anything nor hear anything – it feels like there is nothing around me. Maybe there is nothing? Maybe everything I knew is gone? Where am I? Why I feel this burning sensation all of sudden it is filling my body. Everything is burning – I try to open my eyes, but I cant I feel like they are glued shut. I try to move my fingers, but I cant feel them...
I try to say something ask someone where am I, but I neither can do it. I feel like I am floating in air. Air that is filled with this burning sensation, I want to scream to shout out to do anything just to make this burning go away. I feel like even my blood is getting hotter, even when I cant feel my arms, my legs I can feel this burning feeling – I feel like hot flames are all around me burning my alive.. I want to scream his name and beg him to stop this pain, but suddenly I am hit with memories I feared so much – memories of him going away. Telling me he never wants to see me again... It feels like pain increases even more ripping everything inside my – twisting my hear until it feels like it is going to burst – making me choke even when I cant make a sound... I feel my heart crack – I feel like one side of my heart just died leaving other side filled with pain, pain that is eating my inside. Leaving me hollow and empty. I want to slip away into emptiness that over took me so suddenly, but it feels like emptiness itself is against me images of him flickers in front of my eyes – eyes I cant feel, cant blink, cant open, but I see him. I see him smile I see him sleeping – looking so relaxed, happy and calm. So perfect... So..perfect...
And then I see myself. I see what I did. I see myself talking with Camille. I see your heart broken face – I see your eyes filled with pain and anger... I want to take all this pain and anger you feel, but I know I cant I was the one who did this to you...
I am nothing compared to you. I am selfish. I am worthless. I am jealous. I am ugly. I am disgusted.
I wish so badly I could change it, I wish so badly I could make time go back... I wish I never talked with her … I wish.. I cant feel anything now – I cant feel this burning feeling any more.
I wonder if I am dead since I cant feel anything... I wonder where I am. And then I hear your voice
it is telling me to open my eyes.
Suddenly I feel so much pain... I cant deal with the pain inside me... It hurts so bad that I feel like I am breaking apart.. but how can I break even more when there is nothing left to break? I am broken apart too much that it cant be mended... I need you so badly – it hurts, but I know I cant face you after what I did... I cant do that. I cant face your hurt look, look I know so well. Look I kept seeing since you left – since I broke everything... Since I betrayed you... I feel like I am shattered beyond breaking, because I can feel your arms so familiar and so close to me holding me. I can feel somehow something wet dripping down my cheeks – you are crying... Since I cant feel like I am crying.. maybe there is no tears left? I try to open my eyes and beg you for forgiveness I need so much...even when I know I should never be forgives, I still hope... I just want to see your beautiful cat slit eyes – see your face.. I don't care about anything at all. I need to see you so badly... but I cant open my eyes no matter how hard I try – I feel like I am prisoned in my own body – allowed to feel, but not allowed to move... allowed to break, but not allowed to heal.. I need to see your face. I need to see you so much... it is ripping my heart what is left of it even more... I feel myself start to shake and I cant stop it – I feel your arms holding me even closer.. I try to inhale your scent , but I cant move closer.. I simply stay still and numb in your hands – even when I want so badly to hug you back to inhale your scent...
I am panicking inside even when I know I am completely still outside.
Please...
Please let me see him once more, I don't care what will happen next. I don't care if I die, I just need to see him so much... at least for last time... I need ask him for forgiveness... I know he is worth much better than me – I am nothing compared to him... I only hurt people I love, but I need to hear his voice – to see his face I love so much...
I feel like this is it – I am never going to see him again, but then suddenly I can feel lips – lips I longed for so long against mine... I feel like something inside me awakes – maybe it is hope? Hope.. I can feel it struggling to be free, maybe … maybe you still love me... maybe... maybe I.. I can... beg you for letting my take chance to fix everything I broke.
I try once again to open my eyes and by some miracle I can... I feel tears now falling down my cheeks and I feel your tears falling from your beautiful face.. my broken heart aches towards you.. so much. But something in my eyes tells me you still love me... Tells me you forgiven me – tells me you missed me. Your beautiful eyes tells me everything I need to know to set hope free.. to create bridge towards you... but I don't want to see you cry.. I don't want to see you hurt...
"Please...Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars..."
I wonder why my voice sounded different.. more deep and strong..
But..
I know I should have said something else... but my mind at same time is so dull even when it feels more alive than before. But something in your faces changes... Your eyes that just moment ago were filled with hope now are cold – sad – broken and even angry I want to ask to do anything, but you suddenly drop my body like it is poison, I feel myself hitting cold ground – I can feel dull pain, but I don't care. I want to beg you to stay … but I cant stand up even when I try. I try again I need ask why... why there was hope in your eyes along with love... why somehow I scramble to my feet even when I feel like I might fall any moment, I try to reach my hands towards you, but you slap it away like it is something disgusting... you turn around and start to run. I try to call your name, but sob suddenly makes me choke, tears start to fall freely down my cheeks... I … I need you... Please don't go I want to shout, but you are so far away...my sobs become more and more heartbroken until I feel like everything inside me is gone.. this time for true... I feel my knees start to buckle and I fall down to cold ground once again, this time I am not trying to stand up... I let tears run free... I wish now I could feel this burning sensation again, so it would take me away...
I want to shout out so much to you why why WHY there was hope in your eyes...
Why...
I never realized life could hurt so much...but now I can feel all – I can feel this pain.. and I know it is all my fault...
I grabbed hope I should never hoped for...
I know now I should not deserve anything anything at all...but I grabbed hope... Hope that was never there.
I feel like I am drowning in sorrow and pain.. I need you so much... why … why did you wake me up? Why you didn't let my slip away...
Probably you saw me when I opened my eyes you saw who I truly am...
I'm a failure, I'm stupid, I'm pathetic, I'm worthless...
I only hurt people... I love.
Realization sinks in me making everything in my shatter and collapse like sand castle.
It is my fault Max is gone. Is my fault Izzy got hurt. It is my fault for mothers and fathers tears, it is my fault Jace often got hurt in hunts same as Izzy because I was to pathetic … I could never kill demon.. it is my fault people I loved got hurt...It Is my fault …. It is my fault Magnus man I love so much even when I know I am not worth got hurt.. It is my fault..
My fault.
My fault.
My fault.
MY FAULT.
I am better off somewhere where people I care would never get hurt because of me..
I am not good at anything.
Suddenly I'm too tired of this life because I know I only hurt people I love...
I feel my tears sliding down my cheeks and I feel pathetic...I am worthless...
But then I suddenly feel dull sensation filling every cell in my body , numbing all the pain. I let this sensation take me away...
Finally... there is peace in my soul
To lie dead without a concern, without a tear,
You own my heart – even when I was the one who destroyed everything... I know you are better without me. You are worth so much better..
And life without you is so immensely painful – and it is all my fault
Just to think of you, talk about you, dream of you makes tears stream down
my face – and it is my fault I destroyed everything we had...
I cannot imagine happiness without your beautiful smile, your angelic face, - and I was the one who took it away..
your wonderful body and your good heart – and it is my fault I can never feel you again...
You are everything, I am nothing
I want to die
But really... I am already dead – I feel my mind becoming blank... maybe my prayer is answered?
Maybe I can go and stop hurting.. everyone I love...
I feel myself slipping away...
But I cant stop saying words I know you will never hear..
"Magnus, I love you..."
I feel darkness and emptiness surrounding me – even when something inside of my is trying to fight it – I just ignore it... I feel pathetic tears falling down my cheeks soaking cold ground...
I know I am better of... I know … he is worth so much better than me...
I am nothing... I am pathetic...
But I can stop myself imagining his beautiful face once again...
I am sorry...