18 years passed since I was to late to save my other half of soul.
18 years have passed since the spell. Spell that stopped me and others age for 20 years... 20 years.. and 18 years already passed...We all hoped that there was enough time.. enough time to.. to wait for him... We all hoped Alec would somehow appear back – we all did.
But days go by, we know the sacrifices we pay. We all know. Only two years left and well all age and catch up to our real appearance in about week or couple days.
We all know that we are going to lose half of your life's just waiting.
Life wasting away, but we all waited. Sometimes I feel like I have lost the battle of waiting, I feel like I am deserted even when I am around ones that loves me. I feel like all my strength and determination is flying away – away somewhere I could never reach again, once I lose it. People tried to tell me – to tell us that nothing is constant and permanent in this world in this pathetic world I hate so much now.
But I still cant get it – I still cant give up. Even when sometimes it feels that we all just wasting our life's away – something Alec would never wanted us to do.
But I know I cant do it... I cant give up. I know only Magnus probably understands me and well most likely Izzy, but probably just me and Magnus knows how it feels wake up every day knowing there will be empty space where heart should be. And it is only getting bigger and bigger with time. Right now I only feel emptiness. I never thought it would hurt so much and destroy me so much. There is not even enough of anger left in me like before. All these years have eaten it away – leaving me just like a shell empty and cold.
I pretend for everyone I am still strong – still full with hope. Even when I question it so many times – is there really hope? Hope of my parabatai, my brother, my half of soul getting back? Or all of us are just grabbing hope that doesn't even exist? Sometimes it feels like all hope that is left in my is on fire – slowly burning away... Taking even more of me away.. but I try, Angel I try so hard to grab it – hold it tight in iron grip.
But it is so hard... I never thought I cared about my parabatai this much.. I know I was not nicest person to him – with my jokes and teasing about his relationship with Magnus, but I always cared about him, but I never thought I cared this much... There is not even one day that I don't think of him just for a second at least – I cant stop myself, how could I stop when there is empty hole in my soul? When I can feel only broken parabatai connection? When sometimes I dream he is fine and we are back to normal and just fighting demons, eating at Takis and doing stuff like we usually do, but then I wake up and I realize it was only just a dream.. When pictures and memories of my parabatai lying on cold ground – eyes lifeless staring at my – like asking me "why? Why did this happen?" like asking me for help.. I should have been there with him – I.. I should have... that's why I was Alec's parabatai – so we had each others backs... but I was not there...
Sometimes I wonder how this can be true, sometimes I feel like I am sleeping.. but no matter how hard it is – I know it is true.. it is not dream, but reality I try to run away sometimes. I cant fight demons and do my job as shadow hunter any more the way I did before, because I always turn around in fight and look for him. only to realize that he is not there...it like slap over and over again until I am to tired to fight until I feel claws sinking into my skin , then I feel like I snap out of it and just do – do what I can which is survive... I cant count how many times in all these years Magnus had to heal me – how many times Clary screamed at my for being idiot and almost getting myself killed. But what can I do? I need my other half of soul to be Jace I was before.
Even when it has been 18 years, 18 painful years just thought of him makes me cry.
I try never think of my parabatai when I am around with others. I know Izzy, Clary even Simon needs my strength – even when there is only a little in my left. I pretend I am strong... Only Magnus knows there is not much of strength left in my – there was times Magnus would walk in finding my crying like baby, with tears running down my cheeks and snot running from my nose. But he never said anything just gave me tissue or something he snapped. And left room, I was always glad he did, because at those times I only wanted to be alone.
It is funny how guy I never really liked became someone I trusted now and someone I called my really good friend. Angel, I would have never dreamed about Magnus and me becoming friends. But look where I am... now. Sometimes when I feel like everything has been just taken away from my again, like hope I kept holding all these years were slowly slipping away, I would think that I never even had a chance to say good bye – which would lead me into bigger mess of sobbing.
There would be times where I would sneak in back to Institute without anyone noticing me and going to Alec's room, just sitting on his bed, or on ground depended how long my legs would carry me.
There was time when other shadow hunters and even Robert with Maryase (a/n i cant spell alec`s mothers name since well i dont any mt book near me :( so sorry D:) wanted to clean out Alec's room take everything out and throw away.. I still don't get how cold hearted they were... but in the end I didn't let them do it with argument that probably was heard all way to Brooklyn I made sure my parabatai room was just the way, before he left day before he...
day before I was ripped into shreds.
I would sit in his room – inhale his familiar scent, I always knew.
I would then remember times we have spent – training, fighting, arguing.
And times that I was mean and arrogant, I wish now so badly I could say sorry for all things I did, that hurt him, even when Alec would let it slide it away.
But in the end Alec was my brother, like no other. I loved him like no other, after all we were even closer than brothers. I know what way I love Clary, but I also loved Alec like no other, he was my family in the end. Connected with connection that was not meant to be broken.
There is so many things I wish I could say to him. Alec was my guide to help me see that world was not just cruel place, when I just walked in first time into Institute I knew you cared about my even when I was brat and pain in ass. I wish so badly could say sorry,
probably how much I want to say sorry helps me to still believe that he might get back to us.
I know I would take his place, without thought if it meant he was here with Magnus, Izzy, Clary and even Simon.
But at same time I would not, I would never let Alec feel pain I feel now. I wonder if it is same feeling he felt for a couple seconds when I was stabbed..
But today is the day once again where I feel all hope slipping away, even when I am sitting at Pandemonium with others while Magnus ran out after that warlock that apparently lost control over his magic, somehow saying that young male warlock for couple seconds made my think it was my parabatai, because of same skin tone and black hair, but well I was wrong.
Hope plays a wicked game with the mind, huh?
And saying how panicked and fear filled face that warlock was made me think of Alec.
When I saw that I know now his name Gideon... even same name as Alec's middle name.. ran out for some reason I said
"Because once we didn't listen to someone we care about and that person ended up hurt, dude you don't need to worry about us hurting your friend. He just looked not fine that's all.."
Because somehow I felt like this Gideon was hurt and lost somehow like Alec was probably and well... I felt like... don't know.. he should be more looked about from his friends? That Ash guy.
And when Magnus ran out I felt even more broken, for some reason it reminded me of time we both ran to Alec – even when it the end we were to late.
So now I am here sitting at table – trying not to cry, trying to pretend I am at least fine.
I remember how I found old documents in Institute and there was files about two shadow hunters James Castair and Will Henoralde.
And how Jem apparently died at age of 19 or 18 since it was such an old piece of paper it was hard to read, and apparently Will and Jem were parabtai I wonder if Will felt same way I do now...
Like half of soul has been ripped away from my and lost to me..
I wonder...-
Suddenly burning pain shots my straight up knocking glass of water on table. Clary and others look at my with slightly worried and confused looks.
I feel this burning pain once again, and.. no no it cant be.. it cant. Be. No. It is not possible. It cant be, Angel it cant be...
My parabtai rune is glowing bright – but not bright red like it did when Alec.. died.
It is glowing bright light between golden and white, that even hurt my eyes to look at.
It is glowing color that only means –
Alec is somewhere.
Somewhere ...
alive.