why the hell did I think this was a good idea again? god, I hadn't even bothered to ask stefan why he couldn't stand his brother in the first place. what if there was a good reason to it? how could she have been so naive and just assume it would all work out as long as they were forced to interact?
"stupid stupid stupid." i muttered under my breath as I entered the kitchen to get the first course. see how bad it went, they hadn't even started to eat and i was already scared that violence would take place in my living room.

"honey, i told you this was a bad idea." kat said whilst stepping around the kitchen counter to help me.

"i know it was, captain obvious." i spat and immediately felt sorry, it wasn't kat's fault there were in this situation. "do you think it's a good idea to leave them both alone in there?" i turned nervously around to look at her.

"they both stayed, didn't they?"

"only because you forced damon to. he would have never stayed if he didn't love you as much as he does. he would do anything for you, even stay here after you manipulated him to come."

"you see us a couple of minutes and you already assume to know our relationship pretty well, don't you? i'm aware he loves me." she paused for a moment, "it would be exciting to see how far i can push him, don't you think?" she asked sweetly but nothing could hide the evil behind the curl of her lips and i knew she was very well capable of playing games that hurt everyone in the process but her.

"kat, focus. not everything is about you all the time. we'll talk about your idiotic and heartless ideas some other time. just... just go check on them okay? i don't want them to rip each other to shreds."

kat shrugged as if it didn't matter to her, and as i knew her i could be quite confident that it really didn't. she didn't love damon the way he loved her, not one bit. i had found out that much after hearing story after story about him being all sweet and innocent around her, doing everything in his power to please her. and i knew katherine was more than happy to be the center of his world and be treated like a princess. that didn't mean she wouldn't replace him in an impulsive sudden moment with the next guy that came around, there weren't many that would reject her. probably none at all, i sighed. it was almost a miracle that kat let damon stick around for so long and that made it even more cruel in my terms. .

i stepped out of the kitchen and placed the first court on the dinner table, bracing myself by taking a deep breath. and another. and another. why was i so anxious about this whole situation? what was the worst case scenario that could happen? possibly fists being thrown and verbal assaults to one another. this was such a bad idea...

when i entered the living room i couldn't find my boyfriend anywhere, which could be because my eyes fell onto damon the second i stepped in and i had come to realize that i couldn't tear my eyes away when his blue ones where piercing into my soul like they did every time we made eye contact. in general it was hard to not look at damon. he was a gorgeous man in every way and it made me feel so guilty. i wasn't supposed to be thinking about him like that while i was in a happy and secure relationship, with his brother.
so i banished the thought and thankfully damon looked away so i finally was able to spot stefan in the door frame that led to the hallway. i prayed to myself that he didn't see me ogling his brother just seconds ago.

"we're ready to start" i sat in a quiet voice of which i hoped sounded confident. but kat's eyes proved me otherwise. she just shook her head like she wanted to say 'don't be such a coward elena' and got to her feet. she offered her hand sheepishly to damon who beamed up at her and followed her to the dining room like a lost puppy. wow she really did control him.

i awkwardly lifted my head to face stefan who hadn't moved an inch but seemed to relax as soon as they were alone. suddenly i felt really bad for putting him into this twisted situation.

"i'm sorry, stefan. i didn't know what has gotten in to me to have such a stupid idea."

he smiled. "yeah, and to actually go through with it ..." he said teasingly. he wasn't mad, thank god. still, it didn't ease my guilt.

"i should have talked to you about it. i still don't know what happened between you two but it seems like there's a lot more needed than an awkward dinner."

"especially when you and katherine look exactly alike." he chuckled. "i never knew he had the same type in girls than i do."

"stefan, i'm serious." i glared at him. it was very unlike him to make jokes, well attempts of jokes, while talking about a touchy subject. and this was definitely one. and somehow i got the feeling that he was being sarcastic. i just couldn't tell exactly. but it was sure that he disliked his brother deeply.
he tensed up every time damon's name was mentioned and he always got this cruel look in his eyes which i dreaded to see again since the first time i laid eyes on it - that night when it all started.

he stepped closer and cupped my face gently "i know, honey. and don't be sorry for being compassionate. it's one of the many things i love about you." his smile was sweet but i knew exactly that he was deflecting. he didn't want to talk about his brother any longer, so i let it slip. it wasn't like the concerns of our thoughts wasn't sitting in the very next room, possibly waiting impatiently for us to sit down and have dinner so it would finally be over with.

"i can still tell him to leave", stefan continued, but i shook my head.
"no, now we've come so far, we're not gonna be cowards. i don't want kat to have something she can laugh at for the next couple of years. and also i think your brother will also see it as a sign of weakness when we back down now, don't you think?" i didn't even know why i cared to much about unimportant things like this, i just couldn't stand the idea of them, or rather him, thinking about her as a coward.

once again i had to banish the thought of the blue-eyed salvatore out of my mind and focus on the task at hand; trying to get through dinner unharmed and preferably in an non-awkward way. which was too much to hope for and i knew it.

"you know, i'm only doing this for you.", stefan had sobered up a bit and stared into her eyes. "because i love you. and now let's get this over with, i don't want damon to take up any of our conversations any longer."

or thoughts, i added in my head. out loud i said "you're right. i love you too." i tried to look confident and stefan's determined face actually let me feel a little bit better about the whole situation.

he took my hand and i gladly curled my fingers around his. it gave me strength and with that i even managed to get a smile on my face as i exclaimed "who's hungry" to the couple in the living room.

we shouldn't have bothered being worried about them getting impatient. the two of them had found a way to occupy their time which required kat to sit on his lap, his hands entangled in his hair.
i blushed immediately, my confidence from seconds before gone in a matter of one glance at them. how could they have the decency to do that when they just knew that someone else would walk on them.

but as i saw kat climb of his lab with a supposed to be sweet smile - her eyes devilry glistening with joy - i also noticed that it was apparently as embarassing for damon as much as it was for me. he didn't dare to look up, just shot kat a questioning glance which she responded with a pat on his arm in a way that made clear to everyone that she was annoyed by him being uncomfortable in that moment.
he locked his eyes to the plate in front of him and mumbled a "sorry" into our general direction.

i recognized the innocent damon from kat's stories and i couldn't help but feel bad for him. he may not even be aware of the fact how much katherine had him wrapped around her little finger. and how she could crash him any time she felt like it.

i sighed. and sat down, successfully avoiding to look at anything else than my plate. but then i realized that i must be exactly mirroring damon's position and i lifted my head.

let the games begin.

to my surprise the whole thing hadn't been as awkward and hateful as i had imagined it to be. still embarrassing while stepping the big elephant in the room but it was not as bad as it could have been. that was probably because stefan and katherine held up converstion throughout every course while i was to scared to even open my mouth. damon apparently felt as uncomfortable as me, maybe even more. he kept shifting in his seat until kat glared at him and he abruptly stopped. he was so whipped and throughout dinner i found myself admiring his strength of love for katherine because it was as evident as it could be that he would be rather at some other place right now, no matter where and with whom as long as he could escape sitting in the same room as stefan.

i felt sorry for him because a. i couldn't stand the thought of his happiness being totally independent on katherine's will, b. because his relationship with stefan not fixable - or so it seemed based on the looks of despise and a touch of disgust that crept over his face while he was listening to stefan and damon chatting as if they had known each other their whole life - and c. because i put him into the situation and he couldn't do anything about it.

at some point during the main course i zoomed out of the conversation because first of all i didn't add anything useful to it and second of all it too made me a little itchy that my sister and my boyfriend were getting along so fine. it was way more interesting to observe the blue-eyed man sitting across me through my lashes whilst trying to hide behind my long hair. he caught me once or twice while i was analyzing every one of his movements but i only got annoyed glances; he was way to focused on katherine. the jealousy nearly dripping out of his pores.

i couldn't explain why i was so obsessed with him but i unsuccessfully tried to convince myself that it was just because i felt sorry for him. or maybe i was just curious. i still wanted to know what had happened between them that was so bad that they were acting like they did now. i hated me being nosy but it was one of my character traits i couldn't get in control. i guess that was also one of the reasons why i initiated this dinner in the first place: i was curious what stefan had been hiding successfully from me. i hadn't even been aware of the fact that he had a brother.
and it hurt that he hadn't trusted me enough to tell me whatever it was, especially since i had opened up to him with everything that had happened to kat and me in the past.

so yeah, dinner went by smoother than expected and only once did damon make a snarky comment on stefan that went somewhere along the lines of "obviously he knows what he's talking about" - which i thought held more to it than stefan's words being 'i don't understand why someone would go down the path of addiction. there's always a choice."

why was he so bitter about stefan but all loving about katherine? i couldn't grasp the complexity that was damon salvatore and it held me up that night.
why was i so intrigued with him?

i concluded that it was best to keep out of his way, for stefan's sake, for his own sake and finally for my sake as well.

'i'm just glad it's over', i told myself before i finally was able to fall asleep.

did i really just posted a new chapter? am i sick?
really glad that i was finally able to provide you with an update.

you may have noticed the lack of caps in my writing and if it irritates you - i'm sorry - i'm just experimenting with some things.

- also do you think i should try changing the narrative perspective? i found myself typing a lot with 'she' and 'her' when i meant to type 'i' or 'me'. lemme know what you think!

and please review. i want to know what you think and how you would like the story to continue.
thanks to you all for your patience and know that i will try everything to make the next update happening faster than this one.