He feels hot and cold all over and it's not even in a good way.
It's definitely a new sensations for his body to feel like this, but his heart is on a different sensory category of an alien kind it's not even funny.
His face musts have look a bit strange to Hatnim now, and he doesn't blame her for staring at him like he has just grown an extra head.
'I know its very sudden, and not to mention strange and out of character for me to do this, but i really want us to date, or at least gave some thoughts to the idea of dating for real'
Alright, brain should starts functioning properly soon, like in the next century? or next lifetime maybe? actually now will be perfect thank you very much.
'I swear I am not crazy, and I've think long and hard about this, and i really want us to at least try to see if we can be more than just husband and wife for a TV show'
He feels so nervous by telling her this much, but he desperately want to give this dating thing between them a shot, and it's been bugging him since this scandal flip them over to hell.
God this is harder than he thought it will be, and yup, just great, his stomach chooses now to make itself known that he hasn't eaten any dinner tonight, seriously bad timing dude.
'Of course we have to date in secret, and nobody should know, because it be hell if the media got wind of this, and of course it be a total nightmare if Kwanghee or Sunhwa knows, what am i saying, of course those two can never know, but maybe i can tell Onew, because i can never lie to him, and he always know something is off if I am lying to him, and i need to shut the hell up now'
Ok he is on rambling mode, and he cannot stop his mouth from going off on him, someone please slap him hard.
Why did he think doing this now is a good idea? not to mention he got some very bad timing to bring this up when their situation in the show is hanging by a tread at the best of days? what with the media having a blast with every single crap news they spin out about them just to stink things more than it should have been?
'I know i sound like I am not in my right mind now, but please know that this has never been something that i taken lightly, not when it involves both our feelings' Her eyes widen even more at that, and she starts to get teary, which almost makes him feel bad for doing this to her without any warning.
'It's ok if you do not want this, i understand that this is just shocking for you, because believe me its shocking for me too, and i know I am rambling and it's probably look totally crazy for you to take in all this in one go, and I am insane to do this when i do not even have enough time to sleep and eat properly, and i most probably make a lousy boyfriend for you when we have to sneaks around secretly just to date each other, and i...'
'Ok thats enough' she moved quite fast despite dressed in a full winter jacket that looks bigger than her own slim body, her pale face suddenly looms near his, her thick shawl gone and her teary eyes staring straight at him.
'I do not mind at all that we have to date in secret, hell it probably the only way we can date considering we both have crazy schedules, so it's totally fine Joon, really fine, and you need to take a deep breath slowly because you are shivering really bad right now' her eyes deepen with concern and standing so near his face like this he notice she has a small mole nears her eyelids, barely noticeable and it looks cute on her, makes her eyes look sexier.
'I have not eaten anything since this afternoon actually, too busy with filming, and i think you have really beautiful eyes'
It's rare to see his beautiful strong Hatnim looking so flustered, but his words left her blushing so red that he is afraid that she is in danger of fainting, because she looks like she could barely even stand straight.
But this close to each other he can also see weariness and pain, and it's apparent that it has been draining her emotionally, physically and mentally, and if guessing by how tight she keeps holding his arms he can guess that she is almost at her last breaking point.
She was fighting not to cry, but she is fighting a losing battle, which ended with him pulling her tight to his chest with her face press warmly to his neck, her body vibrates with a bone deep sadness that it penetrates into his heart, oh god she is making him want to cry too.
'You have no idea how much i want this to happened to us Joon. It's been hell for me, as i know its been hell for you too, and i really wish that i could turn back time to the moment we first meet on that wishing fountain, we look so happy then that it's like a dream to me, while our reality now resembles close to a nightmare'
Her pain was deep, and he understood perfectly how much she must have endured in for the past weeks, and he feel badly that he was unable to do much to help her.
He trusts her when she said that she was sorry, and he believes in her when the whole world turn their back against her because he understands how cruel the world can be when they refused to see the truth but persistent in their judgment and contempt. Oh he was no saint by any means.
He actually was deeply hurt when he was first told of what happened, and in his own hurt and anger he wanted to lash out at her for deceiving him. All the pain he suffers in his past came back to haunt him, and he actually even thought of withdrawing from the show immediately, but thankfully his conscience kicks in fast and he managed to stop himself and think carefully and deeply about it all.
In the end this scandal did something unexpected for him, which surprisingly makes him realize his real feelings for Hatnim. No it's not love, at least not yet, but it did make him acknowledge that he has deeper feelings for her more than friendship and stronger than just platonic. He doesn't know yet how far his feeling for her goes, but he can honestly say that he likes her alot and it's a beautiful feeling to have for her, and very precious.
'I'm not sure if I am in love with you Hatnim, at least not yet in love, but i can honestly tell you now that i like you very much, and i want us to explore where this feelings can lead us in the future'
She was silent after he said that, and made no other responds other than to tightens her arms around his waist and pushing her face deeper against his neck.
They stay like that, warm in each other arms under the endless cold winter night for a long while. They do not need anymore words or explanations from each other, they have said everything that can be said and they understood and believed each other hearts to be true.
How he wish they can stays like this forever but he knew that their time is not their own, and they both have other commitments in their lives that demanded their attentions.
She was the first one to break the spell they put themselves under when she asks him' 'How did you managed to come here anyway? where is your manager? did you get away without telling him?' Her face show both curiosity and concern and he smile remembering the things he did to get away undetected not only from his manager but from the bunch of psychotic paparazzi crews and sassaeng fans who seriously needs to get themselves thrown away into mental institutes and locked up for the good and safety of mankind.
He was surprised by how slick he can be when the situations needed him to be. Maybe he was in the wrong line of work after all? maybe he got some serious potential to become a real Ninja or maybe a spy like in IRIS2? or maybe money will grow on trees tomorrow, hehh.
'That is something for me to know and for you to wonder about for a long time' he smirk when she scowl at him for saying that, ah she is adorable when she is angry.
'Seriously Joon, how in the world did you managed to get pass security at this late hours anyway? FYI this building is no childplays when it comes to intruders, and it will be disastrous if they caught you breaking in here with no clearance with security, and..'
Oh she is too cute when she is on one of her ranting moods.
'Ok no more talking for you miss Oh Hatnim' he cuts her off mid rant and pull her back tightly into his arms, which immediately shuts her up.
They continue their cuddling sessions for another hour, but then when he glance at his watch he notice the time has arrived for him to go, or else he will be late for his numerous schedules for the next day. At times like this that he hates his job as an idol, because it makes him more aware of his lack of freedom or any privacy. His life is not his own, and the glaring lights of fame and glamor is slowly losing it's shines for him, becoming more like a pretty golden cage that he is trapped inside.
'I hate to end our time together like this Hatnim, but i have to go now or else i will not be able to make it for tomorrow IRIS2 filming'
They both detached from each other with reluctance, and already he misses her body pressing warmly to his. She quickly don back her shawl over her face and pull her huge thick hoodie down over her pale face, which he now notice looks much more relaxed and brighter than the previous weariness that etched itself into her feature.
'It's less harder to see you go now after tonight' she said quietly, her eyes dry of tears for the first time in weeks, and rock steady on his. He can see now that she is indeed a fighter and stronger than he gives her credit for.
His Hatnim will survive this storm intact, and he will be enduring it with her all the way through hell and back, and they will be stronger for it.
'I will give you a call tomorrow, or if I am unable to do so i will text you, or better yet keep texting me when you have the time, update me with what you are doing and i will do the same' then he swiftly steps back and quickly walks away before he change his mind and do something that both of them are not ready yet to do.
Not looking back even once, he keeps on walking into the night, leaving her solitary figure standing alone against the winter twilight.
But she is not alone anymore, because she has him to fight alongside her in this battle, and they will win a victory sweeter than any war they have fought before.
From this moment onwards, things are going to change between them both, and he hope to god that it will lead them to a better future together.
To be Continue...
Thanks for reading guys, and i will update with chapter 4 soon, Joonseo Hwaiting. ^^