After being forced to hear an immature child's rendition of the crew of the Normandy's attack on the Collector base, the crew forced EDI to stop reading and nearly mutinied against Shepard for forcing them to go through such a painful experience. The crew tried to forget about the story by preparing to fight the reapers, and in doing so, Shepard recruited two new people to the team: Kasumi Goto and Zaeed Massanni. Both were willing to listen to Shepard and his warnings about the reapers and were willing to fight for him.
However, there was no sign of the reapers imminent attack, and so life was pretty quiet aboard the Normandy. One day, Shepard had absolutely nothing to do: there were no missions to complete or planets to investigate, Tali was working on the engine, Garrus had to completely re-calibrate the guns after Legion offered to assist him and completely screwed up the Thanix cannon, Joker was talking rather personally to EDI and both said that they preferred not to be bothered, and even Grunt was busy trying to understand more of the tank's imprints.
Shepard was left with only one option. He spoke over the intercom, "Everyone report to the mess hall." Within a few minutes, the crew had arrived, a look of confusion on most of their faces. Shepard gave a wicked grin, knowing that the majority of them were going to hate him for this.
"Why'd you call us all down here, commander?" Miranda asked. "Yes," Mordin concurred, "Was researching cure to keprals syndrome."
"Any luck?" Thane asked.
"Thought I found solution, but would cause stomach to swell uncontrollably and rupture," Mordin replied, which earned a few disgusted looks from some of the crew members.
"I bet you're all wondering why I called you down here," Shepard announced, regaining control of the conversation. Miranda rolled her eyes and pointed out, "I did already ask you that."
"Well, I've noticed that many crew members, specifically me, have been bored lately, so I figured I'd entertain us a little by telling you an old story. EDI?"
"Yes commander?"
"Begin chapter two."
EDI sighed, "You never learn, do you commander?"
"Just read the story."
MAAS UHFEKT THREAH; DA REEPR INVASEN11!111!11! !1!2!1! CHAPTR TOO
The crew let out a collective sigh of despair, with the exception of Kasumi and Zaeed, who sat there with a growing look of fear and concern on their faces.
Aftur sheprd got rid uf mirand and jaks bodys by throin dem in spaes henoo wat he had 2 doo. Sheprd serchd da galaxie nd lookd fur ashly den after years uv lookin he fownd her nd sed ashly u is a racist u must die now! Den he shot herand all da aliens on da normindie aet her
Everyone in the immediate area gave a shudder of horror.
"That DEFINITELY goes against the code," Samara exclaimed.
"Geth do not eat," Legion stated
"Ash may not be the biggest fan of non-humans, but I could never imagine doing that to her," Garrus said, with Tali nodding in agreement.
All seemed to be voicing their disgust, except Grunt, who leaned against a wall, a faint grin at the edge of his lips. "I don't know," he said, "I'd probably do it. Can't taste any worse than turians."
looking fr the reepr. He shouted I kno ur hidin reeprz cum owt n fite me! Den harbnr cam owt n sed ill fite u and dey startd fitein and tali wuz all like no sheprd I luv u soooooo muchdont git hurt or die! And sheprd sed ill beet harbnr fir u tali so we can live on da kwuryan planet and tali sed awwwwwwwww sheprd u so sweatbut sheprd wus loosin da fite cuz harbnr iz big so grunt startd 2 fite bcuz hes big 2 nd dey startd 2 beet harbnr but he got anoder reepr wit him so sheprd n grunt had 2 fite 2 reeprs so dey got zyed 2 help bcuz hes old n tuff.
"I'm not sure how to take that," Zaeed muttered.
"At least this isn't full of shit about Shepard and Tali doing it," Jack said, partially relieved.
"Yeah," Garrus started, "We'd all be fine with you two keeping it in the captain's quarters." At this, Shepard turned a bright shade of red, and Tali shot a rather menacing look at Garrus before EDI continued narrating.
Sheprd n grunt n zeyd wer good at fiteing da reeprz but dey wernt strong enuff but den derwas 2 lowd shots and da reeprz fell down n sheprd n grunt n zyed lookd behind dem n saw da sooper budys! Leegin n garus n dey had shot da 2 reeprz down with snypr rifels so dey hi fived
"Geth do not high-five."
Da reeprz wer hert by garus and leejins shots but dey wernt ded dey wer just madder so dey shot der red deth lazrz at leejin and geris and dey died.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO u will pay and den you will die bcuz I will kill u wich wil maek u die! Comandr sheprd showted at da reeprz
Garrus sighed. Rather than the expected sigh of disbelief and annoyance, this one had more of a tone of melancholy and despair to it.
"Aw, what's wrong, Garrus? Sad that you were the first to go?' Tali asked, her voice mimicking that of a parent talking to a toddler.
"No, Tali, I'm not. Remember, Jack and Miranda got taken out before the reapers even arrived. I just wish that I could've gone out in a more… fantastic way. Being unceremoniously blasted to oblivion by a reaper isn't as cool as, say, being attacked y the collectors, then saving the ship's pilot just to be blown away with the rest of the ship."
"Garrus, I'm flattered," Shepard said dryly.
"Besides, I'd imagine Shepard would have something cooler to say than "I'll kill you" to my killers. He'd probably say something about how I was the coolest turian in the galaxy and that to kill me was an unthinkable act of horror, and the reapers, in their great shame, would kill themselves."
"You're really idolizing me, Garrus. Is there something you wanted to say?"
Garrus immediately blushed. "Oh, not at all commander."
"Good. EDI, continue."
Comandr sheprd shot bulits at da reeprz but dey didn't hert dem bcuz dey wer INVINSIBL!
"How long is this torture going to last?" Jacob muttered quietly to himself.
Finly aftr da long battle dat kild leejin and garus nd zyed kumandr sheprd wuz sad cuz his bro was ded so he felt teers in his eys nd startd 2 crie. Den tali saw him criein nd sed sheprd I wil maek u sammiches 2 help u feel betr so she maed him 50 sammiches! And gave dem to him! And sheprd ate da sammiches nd sed dees r good thanks tali im hapy now!
"What?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"That bosh'tet!"
"Glad to see I'll be missed."
"That's it! I'm done Shepard. Drop me off on the Citadel!"
"Glad to see you're all enjoying the story as much as I am," Shepard sarcastically remarked. "Since we've been listening to this babble talk for…" He checked his omnitool, "Five hours, I think it's time for a break. Report back here in 2 hours! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get some food. "
As he left, Kasumi walked up to him and whispered, "Word of advice, Commander: If you value your relationship with Tali, don't have a sandwich."
Spirits, there was so much work to do! Garrus had to spend hours calibrating the main guns after Legion's failed attempt at optimizing it, and having to sit through… whatever that thing was only made him that much farther behind on progress. He was so absorbed in his work that he barely noticed the hiss of the door opening. His heart skipped a beat. Only one person ever came to the battery to talk to him, and that was…
"Shepard. Need me for something?" He asked, not bothering to turn around. As important as Sheppard was to him, he needed to finish his calibrations.
"Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you?" Came the accented voice of the ship's resident quarian engineer in a tone so harsh, Garrus would've never expected it to come from Tali.
"Tali! Nice to see you! Was there something you wanted to see me about?"
"As a matter of fact, there is," Tali icily replied.
"And that would be?" Garrus asked, trying to ignore Tali's harsh tone for the moment.
"As of late, you've seemed to have an eye for the commander. My boyfriend," Tali spat. "Now I now you two are about as close as I am with him, but the relationships we have with Shepard are completely different, and I feel like you're trying to intrude on ours."
Spirits, Tali was possessive! Garrus thought he knew her, but he'd never seen her jealous side before. He'd always seen Tali as an innocent little sister that just happened to carry around a shotgun, killing geth and collectors along the way, but when she became attached to something, she apparently became a vicious monster. Still, she was one of his best friends, so he felt that to be honest was the only fair route to take.
"Well, Shepard is a pretty amazing man, and not too bad looking. I mean, I usually don't swing that way, but I can make an exception."
"Are you trying to steal my boyfriend?" Tali's voice was rising in pitch and volume, and Garrus could tell by the cracks in her voice that she was on the verge of snapping. He had to try to play this cool.
"Well, no, but if something were to ever happen between you two, I can't say that I wouldn't show n interest in the Commander."
Tali stood there, more tense than Garrus had ever seen her, for a second. Then, before he could even react, she swung her arm out at him and slapped him in the face, crying out, "Bosh'tet!" then storming out of the main battery.
So maybe he could've handled that better…
A/N: So yeah, this thing is back from the dead and stuff. I never found the motivation to write this before the release of Mass Effect 3, and after I played ME3 I took a few months (Almost a year) away because the ending made me so mad (I had to kill EDI and the geth? Seriously?) but now I'm back, and have learned to accept the ending (keep an eye out for an indoctrination theory based ending I plan on writing) and felt like continuing this thing.
Oddly enough, what Garrus said can come true in the game. You see, I may not have been able to save both the quarians and gth in my first playthrough and I may have ended up saving the geth because they're better fighters, Tali may have jumped off a cliff at the sight of the quarian race being destroyed because her lover decided the geth were cooler, and Garrus may have come on to me on the Citadel and Earth.