A/N 1. I really need editing help. Is someone willing?

A/N 2. I wandered into some Lily/Sirius sub-plot in this chapter before I could get on with the story. Now that I have gone ahead and typed it, I wonder why there is a distinct lack of Sirius/Lily fics compared to Harry/Hermione fics. The taboo in both is the same; breaking the bonds of friendship, with James or Ron, respectively. Even in canon, what about Harry and Hermione's dance in the tent in the movie?

Sirius eventually came to, still a bit dazed from the fall. He observed through his stupor that he was inside a castle amid a river, rather like the Pfalzgrafenstein castle in the exquisite Rhine valley. He had lived there once and had happily immersed into the many folk tales of the place. which was one of his lifelong interests. He had sometimes used these stories to charm the ladies.

So much so that he even told a few to Lily. Ah, how her green eyes were forever etched into his memory! Sweet Lily with her unmatched beauty and intelligence. The lively muggleborn student fascinated a lot of people. Half of all the boys were her admirers, as she was undoubtedly the prettiest girl of that year in Gryffindor. As the years passed she blossomed and seamlessly wove her web around the men. Why did it matter that she was a low birth? For, as the French writer Maupassant eloquently proclaimed, women have no caste and no descent, their beauty, their grace, and their charm serving them instead of birth and fortune. Their native keenness, their instinctive elegance, their flexibility of mind, are their only hierarchy; and these make the daughters of the people the equals of the most lofty dames. So the men/boys, pureblood, half-blood or muggleborn, all regardless noticed her, be it the bombastic James, austere Remus, the ignoble Snape; be it the sly Slughorn or the flamboyantly gay Dumbledore. Sirius did not stand a chance.

But she was eventually James's Lily.

James was Sirius' greatest friend and supporter. James was Sirius's brother in all but name. James helped him escape his awful relatives and accepted him into the Potter family. This was invaluable after Walburga disowned him as a blood traitor and blasted him off the family tapestry. How would he ever repay James?

Well, for a start, he suppressed his reaction to Lily's beauty. For all that she was, who could blame him for being affected? He, who filled his room with pictures of muggle girls to annoy his parents, was ever so delighted to find such a smart girl from muggle background. But he hid it well. Who from the Hogwarts alumni would ever have imagined that Sirius Black held a torch for Lily?

Were it up to him, this distant fancying would have been the end of the matter. He kept her at arm's length both when she was the Gryffindor ally of Severus Snape and later when she became James's girlfriend and got closer to his circle. Winning her over from Snape was James' one great victory. Sirius was glad about it; Lily certainly deserved better than a lifetime with as vicious and nasty a man as Snape.

So he sided with James and aided him. James and Sirius were not saints themselves. But they conveniently occupied the proverbial moral high ground against the Dark arts practitioner Snape and gleefully availed this advantage. Hogwarts was always partial to purebloods. Newcomers and mixed breeds inevitably had to endure much suffering. Not only that; the staff tacitly allowed it; in fact, the staff selection ensured it. The pureblood supremacy was so entrenched in place that it was hopeless to try to change. In this scenario, James and Sirius were of the 'light' side and had the duty and privilege to do the right thing, which they did with aplomb and gained all the accolades. Not only did they swoop in like heroic knights and rescue the victims of bullying Slytherins, but also they channeled their inner Godric and punished the perpetrators brutally.

Those were fun days of much 'marauding' in the name of justice. They became some sort of characters like the 'good' pirates or Robin Hood, and helped the unprivileged and struck at the 'big guys' via elaborate and sometimes harmful pranks. If Slytherins used tradition for protection, the Marauders hid behind pranks, the most dangerous ones reserved for the gang leaders. They thus gained many schoolyard enemies of who Snape was the most belligerent and vindictive. That man's recalcitrance annoyed the Gryffindors greatly and brought out the worst in James and Sirius, something Sirius was not proud of in retrospect. As the years went on, the frustrations from the mutual attacks, traps and such back and forth in kind, reached a boiling point.

Snape had been looking to find a way to strike the Marauders at their secret hideout and took to following them around when he got the chance. No amount of intimidation was enough to dissuade Snape whose thirst for vengeance only increased. Sirius finally had had enough and snapped. So, on a full moon night, he informed Snape how to get into the whomping willow. He only wanted to give Snape a scare; Snape was involving himself with all possible bullies and dark arts practitioners and bullied and harmed others, and tried to undermine the Marauders at every turn; he only wanted an end to all this. After the almost-debacle, he felt some remorse; but it was so hard to like Snape and he could never muster enough sorrow to actually apologize. Sirius was never one to waddle and hesitate. He always took a strong stand against objectionable people and movements. That was his downfall too, in the end.

All through this rivalry, Lily was an important focus. For James, winning her affections was a major goal. Sirius disliked that Lily took the side of the "bad guy" Snape. One just does not support certain things and the things Snape and his company indulged in were certainly shady. He did not like Lily's verbal abuse at James, calling him "an arrogant toerag" and other insults. He also resented that she set James and Snape at each other which dragged him in too. He had the feeling that she sensed his disapproval. This resentment however went away after Lily finally had enough of Snape's hurtful acts and broke off all relations and dug her heels in.

In spite of all this, Sirius could still see her positives and understood why James still pursued her. She was kind and helpful to those who needed it. He remembered an incident in sixth year shortly after they had turned 17. Silvanus Kettleburn had approached him on the new year's eve with a problem. He had an apprentice/visitor woman from Finland who suddenly collapsed and had to undergo a minor procedure. There was a potions accident earlier that day and Madam Pomfrey was too busy to care to for just one patient, and this one needed someone constantly at her bedside for holding her head or helping her into the bathroom. It would be necessary for only one night; but the patient needed a helper that someone needed to be female. Silvanus Kettleburn was not in good terms with the student population. Sirius was an exception and got along with the man and so he approached Sirius for help.

The problem was that it was New Years Eve and the girls were up for enjoying the fireworks, or partying, or the sullen ones were looking forward to spending the night in misery, and nobody would want to sacrifice the night for an altruistic act. He still chinned up and approached a few of them, to be met with lukewarm responses. Then he finally intercepted Lily about to go out with some handsome Hufflepuff boy, all dressed up and beautiful. For a moment his heart stopped; for, she looked breathtaking and no princess would have held a candle to her according to Sirius. He recovered after a moment and decided not to interrupt her outing an turned to go with a mumbled apology. She then called him back and inquired about the matter, and Sirius told her. Lily replied that she is about to go on a date and it would be unfair to cancel it; that she is willing to come back after a couple of hours if Sirius would arrange for someone else in the meantime. This was much easier for him to do, for there were quite a few girls would be willing to short errands if that would catch Sirius Black's attention. Later, according to her promise, Lily cut her date short early and instead of partying through the night, nursed the patient without sleeping until breakfast.

With the twin aims of not wanting to be beholden to her and also to honor her selfless nature, Sirius made sure to properly thank her in a major prank/banner/spectacle in front of everyone at the very next school party, without caring that he probably looked as much a fool as James usually did with her. And happily took the detention assigned by McGonagall.

Then in the final year of school, James and Lily started dating. Given all that he owed to James, paining him was the last thing Sirius would ever want. Duty comes before ephemeral dreams. Therefore he ruthlessly suppressed his feelings for Lily and kept a distance; addressed her only as 'Evans' and coolly treated her as the Miss Perfect Head Girl; never gave her the chance to probe him further; even excused himself when she once requested him to carry her heavy bag.

He then remembered how it went beyond simply an admiration from afar. Lily struck when graduation came. Hogwarts had the longstanding tradition to collect autographs from teachers, friends and acquaintances in a book. He had himself scribbled some inane nonsense in her book, and got surprised at the length of time Lily took to write her autograph for him. He was pleasantly surprised by her obviously heartfelt wishes for a great future for him, and then he saw the troublesome question she had scribbled down: "Why are you always avoiding me?". That was the turning point.

The days hence were a blur. Sirius could not continue living at James' parents place. They had been killed in a Death eater attack. As for jobs, it would be pointless to try at the pureblood-infested ministry. Jobs and promotions were done by family connections which he had himself none; not after his revolt. Financially he depended on James for a while; but soon it was clear that he would need to find a job.

He did find one; but none of his acquaintances were aware of exactly what he did. He became a trainee Unspeakable and the cover for his job was as an charms apprentice under some senior wizard. It was not that far from the truth as his work at the department of mysteries did involve charms. This job enabled him to move out from James' place and live by himself. All his acquaintances knew was that he had some low-paying job, and a remote chance to make some small breakthroughs in magic. As a matter of fact, in those young and naïvely ambitious days, he did dream of being the next Nicolas Flamel or Paracelsus.

The Marauders were not simple pranksters and with the possible exception of Wormtail, they were all brilliant in one way or another. James was a transfiguration expert and Remus was a bookworm. They were well-versed enough in charms to create the Marauders' map, an unprecedented feat in Hogwarts. The only thing was that they did not necessarily stick to curriculum and so their prowess did not reflect in their grades. Sirius himself was interested more in the theoretical aspects of magic. He was of the firm opinion that a better theoretical understanding would vastly improve the results that you seek. For example, an understanding of the application of magic, and the theory of gravitation, would help you to get a deep insight into the Wingardium Leviosa. This would for example enable you to elimiate wand movements, or even do the spell wandlessly with much less effort.

Sirius' firm opinion was that existing magical theory was entirely outdated. For example in potions, there had been no major theoretical progress after Paracelsus. It was Paracelsus who introduced minerals into potions and this greatly reduced the number of ingredients for certain potions. For example, you could obtain antimony from muggle sources and add to the polyjuice recipe, removing the need for twenty other ingredients and more than a hundred delicate things to ensure. Chemistry had developed far under Mendeleev and others and surely much simplification could be done in potions using the advancements in muggle chemistry? Similarly, in transfiguration, there was virtually no theoretical development since Nicolas Flamel made the philosopher's stone. All the developments in physics and chemistry were surely good for something and better ways of transfiguration could possibly be devised. Indeed, progress was possible about the very fundamental theory of magic beyond the prevalent superstitions. The philosophical theories of Kant and others, and physical theories of entropy, could all surely be used to understand magic better and change the very way it is currently practiced? Sirius wanted to be a theoretician, and in particular, he wanted to apply the power of science and pure mathemtics to magic. He would make passionate speeches about it.

He even made one to her, to Lily, who was supportive and assured him that he will indeed one day become an accomplished wizard. Her simple faith heartened him, when everybody took it for naive youthful fancy. They had started messaging shortly after graduation. He had initiated it for some trivial matter and went on to vehemently deny her accusation that he avoided her. Why, the very idea! Then he averred that he will make up for it from then onwards. They started talking about all sorts of things. They upgraded their communication equipment to a pair of mirrors. She was in her home or at London, and due to circumstances, Sirius was staying with his teacher in a town in the Rhine valley in Europe for his training. He didn't meet her in person except once for a house reunion; but they talked on the mirror quite a few times a day; eventually they spent hours on mirror.

That was when the flirting started in earnest. He would think of this or that metaphor her. He would conjure lilies after lilies and she would blush and would conjure flowers for him in return. This went on for more than an year. He would regale her with fascinating tales he read in his lonely childhood at the Black home. He would discuss with her about his philosophical overtures into the nature of magic. Lily herself was a more practical charms/potions mistress and had not indulged much in theoretical musings. He would always remind himself that this was James's girl. But sometimes he succumbed and indulged in a bit of storytelling; he would tell her this or that romantic tale and imagine himself as the hero and Lily the heroine.

A favorite source for these stories were the the riveting folk tales of Rhine. He had regaled he with stories of the beautiful Nixies and the young men who coveted them and met doubtful fates, of the wild Huntsmen and Dwarfs and Gnomes(Hainzelmannchen), of the troubled hero Siegfriend and his sweetheart Brünnhilde and her terrible revenge, of the knight Schwarzenbeck and two sisters who loved him, of the brothers Liebenstein and Sterrenberg, and enchanting tales of the enigmatic Loreley and Rhine maidens. He remembered the verses,

Die Luft ist kühl und es dunkelt
Und ruhig fliesst der Rhein;
Der Gipfel des Berges funkelt
Im Abendsonnenschein.

Or,

The air is cool and as it darkens
quiet flows the Rhine,
and the mountain peak sparkles
in the evening sunshine.

Those days, he did not have eyes for other girls. As he woke up, he would think of something sweet, romantic and poetic, and would rush to tell it to Lily, who too seemed to be spending her time with him ignoring whatever else she was supposed to do. He recalled how she was entranced listening to him, and her beautiful tresses and captivating smile. He thought it as harmless romance; but it was oh so hard on him. She and him, told each other countless silly and sweet stuff day after day. She was especially delighted when, in the course of him picking up the German language, he found Goethe's poems on his lover Lily and recited and translated them to her one by one. Some other verses really haunted him, given his identity as Padfoot and his doubtful romance/unromance going on with Lily, and reference in which Goethe imagines that he is her pet.

One day, he told her that if she liked poetry and romances so much, she should be finding herself a young poet, a man who also will appreciate her beauty. She replied that she already knows one; that Sirius is her own young poet, and it does not matter that he is sometimes quoting others' poems; that he has enough of a poetic mind for her to think up all the sweet things he used to tell her. He had a stupid and happy grin on his face for the remainder of the day.

Lily, once she got the motivation, eventually figured out how to send conjured flowers through the communication mirrors and afterwards, over the course of more than an year, Sirius must have conjured thousands and thousands of lily flowers for her, and she too in return. She used to send red roses and lilies. In the end, Sirius did a small reckoning and was shocked at the number of flowers they sent to each other. When he mentioned it to her, she told him not to worry and assured him that he was her most special friend and he deserved such things more than anyone else.

James probably suspected that something was going on between his friend and girlfriend, but said nothing for the bonds of brotherhood between them were too deep and James knew to trust Sirius.

As time went on however, this state of affairs turned into a deep ache for Sirius. The highly charged romantic atmosphere between him and Lily could not continue endlessly. It would seem she too was piqued by the countless tantalizing gazes and a few stolen mirror-kisses, and Sirius' obvious reluctance to take the next step. She seemed to want to put an end to the uncertainly in her life. She gave him more and more hints.

One day, she confessed to him about the boy she had inadvertently fallen in love with, without meaning to; someone other than James. The description chilled Sirius; she was portraying himself to the last detail. He pretended that he did not know who she was talking about and asked her who it was. She evaded by saying that Sirius knew the person, and she would say no more. Another day, when he was about to visit her city, she wistfully stated that she would like to be asked out on a date to go to a place like one of the romantic locations in Sirius's tales; that it was something she missed in her life. The hint was clear; but Sirius didn't take her out; in his mind he could not betray James.

Lily reacted by abruptly cutting off all contact with Sirius; she said that she valued all the affection and friendship; but it was taking too much of a toll on her and she would appreciate it very much if she could focus on the other things in her life. Sirius had no other option but to accede to her request, and kept silent. But the pain was like nothing he knew earlier; this was worse than severing ties with his family. And he could not even tell it to anyone. After three weeks of agony, Lily's birthday rolled around, and he figured that he could send her birthday wishes regardless of her injunction to get out of her life. He poured all his pangs and emotions into a poetic letter, trying with each syllable to put down his emotions, and sent it to her. She responded with delight and and called it the best present she ever got in her life; but also informed him that finally she had said yes to James's question of marriage, and announced their engagement.

He had wondered about it. Oh, it was clear why she took up dating James and got engaged. Surely love was the main factor; but there were other things too. Seeing that Lily was attracted to other men too(in particular the other boys she dated before getting steady with James), it appeared to him that one main aim in her life was financial stability. James could provide that for her far better than he could. Oh, he did have some inheritance from his uncle Alphard; but it was nothing the like the whole Potter family fortune that James had. Sirius's inheritance would last only a few years; James's would be enough to last a lifetime. Financially, James was the better choice. It would be very risky to marry a dreamer aspiring to be the next Paracelsus. Everyone knew how difficult it was to make breakthroughs in magic; this was one reason why the magical world was so stagnant for centuries. So he did know that Lily would be safer with James.

So he was surprised and numb at the news of engagement; but nevertheless did all that honor dictated. At first he had tried to wiggle out of attending the wedding; but he was James' best friend, and therefore the best man, and besides he could not say no when Lily pleaded with her emerald eyes. Why she wanted him there, he did not know, but he was there as best man. Lily looked fabulously beautiful in her wedding dress. As the bride giddily went home with the groom, Sirius comforted himself by saying that although his heart broke, he did it to respect the bonds of friendship and loyalty, and that must be good for something. He reflected that it is our choices that make us; that, he chose the only honorable route; that he really did not want to create another story of a Lancelot interfering between Arthur and Guinevere; that he would make the same choice were it presented to him again. Philosophically things were well and and dandy and he occupied the high moral ground; but then why did he ever feel so miserable whenever he remembered Lily? Why did he keep cursing himself?

Still, Sirius kept his determination. James and Lily started living together and Lily became pregnant. It suited her and she literally bloomed. As the war worsened and the light side needed more people, Sirius temporarily gave up his ambitions and returned to England and started fighting dark wizards. He became a trainee auror for more legitimacy. He was was close with James as ever, but less so with Lily. He still kept their contact, but some portion of his guilt and awkwardness remained. He did not know about her; but imagined that it must be so for her too.

Then Harry was born and Sirius happily took up the role of Godfather. Harry was not only James's son; he was also her son, Lily's son; so Harry was doubly dear to him. Later the Potters needed to hide because Voldemort was for some reason specially targeting them and the Longbottoms. The hid in a Fidelius-protected location and for most of the time only James went out; he did They almost never met face to face; but the correspondences continued, albeit the rate being much slower and the content being mundane and unromantic, like it should be between friends or acquaintances.

He often introspected, as he did now, whether this troublesome romantic history was why he declined the secret keeper position for the Fidelius charm. It was certainly the reason why he was catatonic with grief and despair after he discovered the Potters dead. He was already in the grip of depression even before he was thrown to the dementors. Nobody could have guessed this when he cried over and over in anguish, "It is my fault, it is my fault"! It would ever have to remain secret; a secret of his and Lily's hearts. He could not have explained it to anyone; even to Harry.

And his feelings could not be summarized better than in Goethe's short poem:

Holde Lili, warst so lang
All mein Lust und all mein Sang!
Bist, ach, nun all mein Schmerz, und doch
All mein Sang bist du noch.

Sweetest Lily, for so long
All my joy and all my song!
Alas, now all my sorrow too
Though all my song is still of you.