Thank you reviewers/ followers! I really appreciate your thoughts. This chapter mainly focuses on Mary and Tom reflcting on Sybil and Matthew so not much I guess in terms of the plot moving forward. Although it does have that letter….

Chapter 5

Mary woke earlier and smiled when she saw Tom fast asleep in the chair next to her bed. He had been so good to her and these last few months highlighted to her why her darling Sybil had chosen him. He was a truly a good man and he understood her because he had experienced exactly the same thing. She pulled the letter from Matthew from her pocket to read again:

My dearest Mary,
We are just reaching the final push here at the front. The men are all frightened but determined. I do not know why, but I have the most awful feeling about it. It occurs to me that I have been so lucky to not be killed thus far like so many of the others. I will be even luckier if I come through this final push. In any case, if you are reading this it will mean that I did not make it. Knowing death may be imminent has a strange way of making one say the things which thus far have been left unsaid.. So, my darling Lady Mary Crawley, I must tell you that I love you more than anything, more than anyone and I really need to know that you know because I have not told you even though I should have told you every day. I am so sorry that I let my silly moral principles get in the way of us. Oh God Mary, I am so sorry for all it but my darling, you must know it is not your fault that we did not marry when we had that chance. I know you are probably wishing you had accepted me when I originally asked but remember I turned you down too when I should have married you. So my dear Mary, our guilt is equal and thus rendered pointless. You may say that I did not know that I loved you but rest assured that I know that you do, I think I knew for absolute certain the moment you gave me that toy dog of yours although, I pretended not to know as you may understand. I know there is nothing to say that will make the pain less but you must go on and be happy with Sir Richard if it is so but I would stay well clear of him if it were me. Find someone who cares for you no matter who it is or at whatever consequence and make sure you care for them in return. Happiness for you is all I want and I know that a part of you will always love you and that I will be in your heart forever as you will always be in mine. I must ask of you to look after my mother, although I do suppose that goes without saying as I know you will. I also hope the next heir proves worthy to the challenge, although I suppose that you will whip him into shape.

Please be happy Mary, for us both now. God knows I wish the best for you.

God bless you. I love you.

All my love,

Matthew

Mary put the letter down and turn her head away in order to avoid ruining it with her tears. She knew that if he had written it in anticipation of his accident he would have said almost the same things although with more reference to William of course. She snuggled up in bed and fell asleep again thinking of Matthew.

….

Tom woke with a start with a rather aching back. He slowly remembered where he was and looked to see Mary if she was still asleep. She was and he noticed her face did not look so haggard as it so often had in the last months. Perhaps she had finally forgiven or begun to forgive herself. Just then, there was a knock and a maid walked in carrying a breakfast tray. Not noticing Tom, she set it on the table next to Mary's bed and turned, jumping with shock as she noticed him.

"I am sorry sir, I did not realise you were there." said the maid.

"It does not matter. I don't suppose, that's breakfast for two?" he asked.

"No but I can bring another tray up for you" she said.

"That would be great thanks" he replied and the maid set off.

Just then William began to cry which woke Mary who went to him immediately.

"I am going to nurse him so you should probably step outside for a moment" she announced. Tom obligingly stepped outside with a sad smile, wishing that Sybil had been there to nurse their child. When Mary was done, she called him back in and remarked: "There seems to be only breakfast for one."

"The maid is going to bring another tray." he replied and just as he said it, the aforesaid tray appeared. Tom thanked the maid and joined Mary on a chair nect to the bed to eat.

"I am sure the dowager would not approve of this" he said.

"Well she is not here and what is wrong? We are family having breakfast." She said stoutly.

"I suppose you are right and I also suppose you never imagined you would be breakfasting with me when I first came to Downton as the Chauffeur" Tom mused.

"I have found Tom that life has a strange way of not turning out like you hope it might. I would go as far as to say that it will never turn out as I hoped because I hoped Matthew and I would grow old together surrounded by our children at Downton." Mary smiled sadly at the thought.

"Well I can understand. I hoped I would be with Sybil forever surrounded by our children in Ireland but that will never happen either" said Tom, his face showing the same sad smile.

Mary stopped eating and without looking at Tom began to speak: "I just cannot seem to get over the fact that Matthew is gone. I wake up every morning expecting to find him lying next to me, watching me with those beautiful striking blue eyes of his. He would pull me into his arms and hold me tight for a while before we get up for the day. When I was pregnant, he would start the day by talking to our baby and tell him all about what his life was going to be like, how he was going to grow up with a mother and a father who loved him deeply." Mary's voice broke a little at this. "We were in a state of bliss where everything was rosy and suddenly it is all gone without even the slightest warning. I cannot bear thinking of all the things we still had to do but did not have the chance to yet. It breaks my heart that he will not be there to watch William grow or argue with me about how he should be raised like where he will go to school or how to scold him. I hate thinking that I will have to spend the rest of my life without him and when I think that I wish I didn't have to go on but I must. I must raise mine and Matthew's son and I know that Matthew will be watching, supporting me for the whole time. Yet I dread the times when I am at a loss as to what to do and Matthew will not be there to help. I still am at a loss to say how I will carry on without him."

Tom reached out and took her hand in his, giving it a tight squeeze.

"I thought exactly the same but I got through it thanks to the support from the family and you will too. I can't say that it will be easy because that would be a lie but I am here whenever you need me"

"You're being grand Tom" she sniffed.

"All I know is that Matthew would want me to look after you and Sybil would too" he said.

"Do you still miss her very much?" asked Mary, speaking softly.

"Every hour of every day" he said. "I do not think there will ever be a time when I will not. Sometimes I miss her so much it feels like I'm on fire".

Mary turned to her breakfast, in an attempt to hide the tears which now fell thick and fast.

Tom continued: "I see her all the time in Sybbie. They are so alike. The way Sybbie smiles and her little laugh, I am reminded of Sybil every time I look at her and I am glad of it. I don't ever want to forget what an amazing woman she was. She was, no is, the love of my life." He was smiling into the distance, lost in thoughts of his dear Sybil.

Mary understood perfectly, she felt the same about Matthew. No one could replace him, and she never wanted to forget him or how much they had loved, no she thought, did love each other. Mary squeezed Tom's hand tight and they exchanged a weak smile as they presented each other with a handkerchief at the same time to wipe away their tears.

a/n : Well that was emotionally tiring. I hope you like. As always Pleeeeasssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeee REVIEW! They genuinely fill me with so much joy.