Half Agony, Half Hope

Author: Ana Sedai

Author's Note: Okay, I can't take it anymore. I watched the BBC's 2007 version of Persuasion, and my lackadaisical muse decided to get off her lazy duff and inspire me. And I know from experience that it's best to let her have her way, lest I find myself waking up at three in the morning in answer to her irritated shrieks. I also know that there are several parts in the film that don't exactly correspond to the book, but what the heck. The look on Wentworth's face when Anne denied her engagement to Mr. Elliot was, in a word, heart-wrenching. Here's a short (kind of) version of the scene from his point of view, with a lot of backstory thrown in for good measure.

Disclaimer: I neither own nor am involved with any part of Jane Austen's estate or novels, though I would gladly accept a portion of her talent if it were offered. As it is, I've written this for fun and not profit, so I would appreciate it if no one would sue me. That is all.

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He did not want to be here. He most assuredly did not want to be here. In fact, if asked, he would have said that he would prefer to be on deck in the middle of a hurricane at this particular moment. Or facing one of Bonaparte's flagships. Or facing one of Bonaparte's flagships whilst in the middle of a hurricane. He would, in fact, prefer to be anywhere on Earth besides in front of Anne Elliot inquiring about the state of affairs (God, what a word!) between herself and Mr. Elliot.

"I am charged…that is to say the Admiral has been confidently informed that...Mr. Elliot –"

The words stuck in his throat, as if speaking them would confirm their reality. Anne was looking at him with an expression of complete puzzlement, eyebrows raised in encouragement for him to continue. Even in her confusion, her eyes still had that soft light inside them, the light that illuminated her intelligence, compassion, and gentle soul. He could easily drown in those eyes, and not mind his own passing.

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The last three days had wrenched his composure to the breaking point. First he had thought that he had, thanks to his pride and wounded heart, managed to entangle himself into a loveless marriage with Louisa Musgrove, only to discover that God had seen fit to grace him with one final jolt of luck. Louisa had instead consented to marry Benwick. And so he was free, free to pursue Anne and, God willing, convince her to forgive his unconscionable boorishness over the last few months and let him court her properly. He had left for Bath that very day, plans and dreams whirling through his brain.

Their first meeting had been unexpected, but was still all he could have hoped for. She had been happy to see him there, at least. And she had laughed with him, as he had not seen her do in nearly nine years. God, he had missed her laugh! That was an encouraging sign, surely? He had been preparing himself to invite her to join him and his sister and the Admiral at the concert that night, wracking his brain for a graceful segue, when his fragile hopes suddenly seemed to hang by a thread after the arrival of Mr. Elliot. He could have laughed at the irony, had his heart not felt like it was somewhere in the vicinity of his toes. To have discovered that she had remained unmarried after eight years, eight years during which he had convinced himself, almost, that he couldn't care less if she married the Prince Regent or the local dairy farmer, only to find that now, when he had finally put away his pride and resentment and let his never-quite-defeated love for her run free in his soul, that he had a rival for her affections. It was, in short, horribly ironic.

Even worse, this was a suitable rival, one that her family, and even more importantly Lady Russell, would approve of. If he could have banged his head into the nearest wall without distressing Anne, he would have. As it was, all he could do was to let her go with the preening shark, who obviously smelled blood in the water. Fortunately Anne had hesitatingly asked him to attend the concert that evening, and though he regretted losing his chance to ask her himself, he decided that he could at least be in the same room with her, and perhaps keep an eye on the popinjay sniffing around her skirts. He barely suppressed his glare as Elliot and Anne stepped out the door and into the muddy streets.

Jealousy is most unbecoming in a naval officer, Wentworth. He could almost hear his brother-in-law's voice in his head, and though he agreed with him in principle, he decided that there were exceptions to every rule.

The evening itself had actually started out rather well. Anne was the only member of her family who acknowledged him, but given that the majority of the Elliot clan was a vain, self-centered, and hopeless group of nitwits, he did not mind one bit. She had looked up at him with such hope in her eyes, as though he were some gift that she had asked for and never expected to receive. Frederick was not used to tripping over his tongue (that sort of behavior being even more unbecoming in a naval officer than jealousy), but what was he supposed to have said when she asked him how long he was staying in Bath?

Well, Miss Elliot, it all depends on when and whether you decide to put me out of my misery, so I really could not say at the moment.

No, that simply wouldn't do. And so he vacillated, probably coming across as a tongue-tied twit, until her officious father and sister all but tripped over themselves (and Anne) to escort Lady Dalrymple and, of all people, Mr. Elliot to the concert room. Elliot of course didn't spare him one glance, though Anne looked back at him with worried eyes as she was steered towards her seat in the front. Frederick couldn't decide if the worry was for him or for herself, but he could still see his chance slipping away before his eyes. Bath was the central hub for gossip in the country, and he had heard more than one rumor regarding Anne and Mr. Elliot throughout the afternoon. He'd tried not to credit any of them, but as he sat, glowering at the usurper who was trying to command Anne's attention, the murmured comments of Sophia and Admiral Croft reached his ears.

"…soon be another marriage in that family, if I'm any judge."

"Certainly, if the rumors are to be believed."

And suddenly, he just couldn't take any more. When his own eyes, his sister's ears, and half the city's tongues, had come to the same conclusion, what else was there to say? He had left his seat, ignoring Sophie's curious look, and barely managed to refrain from banging the doors open in angry frustration. So this, then, was how it would all end. He felt like screaming. Or maybe punching Elliot. Or himself. He was almost to the courtyard when he heard…

"Captain?"

She had followed him. He had to speak to her, if only for a minute more. He turned to face the most beloved person in his world. She looked a trifle out of breath, almost frantic. Her words were desperate, and her eyes, her whole being, all but begged him to stay. He was tempted, sorely tempted, to agree, but the arrival of her shadow, Mr. Elliot, precluded any lingering hopes in that regard. He could have asked for her forgiveness, but not her heart. That was now lost to him.

"There's nothing here worth me staying for."

With that, he turned and left, hoping to forget the last expression he had seen on her face, that of desolation.

He had already been in bed when Sophie and the Admiral returned from the concert. He knew he would need to answer some very pointed questions from his sister in the morning, but right then he had simply wanted to nurse his wounds. There was no avoiding it. He had lost her. Again. Except this time, he had only himself to blame. After all his coldness and cruelty over the last several months, all his lapses in judgment and prideful posturing, the only thing he had to show for it all was the knowledge that she would at least be well cared-for. That had been something, at any rate, and he had to content himself with it. As for himself, there was nothing left for him here. He would leave early the next afternoon, and with any luck would be back in Portsmouth within three days. The Laconia was scheduled for dry dock for the next several months, but surely there was some berth he could ship out in. He would sign on as a mate if he had to, anything to escape England. And he would make it his personal mission in life to see that the only time he would ever set foot in the country again would be when he needed to report to the Admiralty.

With these sorrowful, but determined, thoughts, Wentworth fell into an uneasy sleep.

This morning had indeed been a trial, though not quite in the way he'd expected. Sophie remained asleep when Frederick was at breakfast, so he was spared an inquisition. However, Admiral Croft had charged him with a mission, and had Frederick not had the utmost respect and affection for the man, he would have refused before the first ten words were out of his mouth.

"Wentworth, I need a favor. It is in regards to Miss Anne Elliot…"

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And that was how he found himself, yet again, facing the woman who could rip his heart to pieces with a word. As he stood there, he was barely able to look at her for fear of her being able to see his agony, or worse, falling to his knees and begging her to take him back. Still, he managed to force out the rest of his message, praying that he could endure this for just a few moments longer.

"…that everything is settled now in your family for a union between yourself and Mr. Elliot."

If he had thought she looked puzzled before, now she simply looked shocked. Had she really no idea as to the amount of talk she was engendering? But that was Anne, content to fade into the background rather than be put on center stage. Her unassuming nature was one of the things he had first noticed and loved about her. Swallowing hard, he continued.

"It was added that you were to live at Kellynch. And my commission from the Admiral is to say that if the family's wish is such, his lease at Kellynch shall be cancelled and he and my sister will provide themselves with another home. That is all."

There, he had said it. Instead of hearing about her engagement second-hand, when the distance might have provided at least some defense, he would now hear it confirmed from her own mouth. He was determined to accept it with dignity, if not grace, and then be gone as soon as possible, and so he drank in her features for the last time.

"What answer shall I give?"

She simply stood there, pale and bewildered, as though he had spoken some bizarre language. Then she looked to one side, trying to make sense of it all, and breathed out,

"Sir…"

Oh God, why would she not answer? Surely the news of her own engagement could not be a surprise to her? A simple yes would do, and then he could be on his way. Could she not see how this was torturing him?

Finally, she shook her head as though to clear it, and looked him full in the face, a curiously bemused smile on her lips. She spoke slowly, as if she were being very careful to choose exactly the right words.

"You will, please, thank the Admiral on my behalf, but I must tell you that he is utterly misinformed."

Wait…what?

His gaze snapped to her in an instant. His heart, which had until that instant felt choked and cracked, barely a hair's breadth from shattering again, suddenly leapt to life, an ember of hope beginning to burn. But he couldn't, daren't, hope that she was saying what he thought she was saying. Barely speaking above a whisper, he murmured,

"Misinformed? Utterly?"

Seeming quite intent on making sure he understood, she spoke very definitively,

"Yes, Captain. Quite mistaken."

The ember was fast becoming an inferno. No engagement… Anne was free… But there had to be some other explanation. Maybe not an engagement, perhaps, but an understanding, surely...

"No truth in any part of it?"

And this was the final draw. Anne was not given to prevarication or half-truths. If there was anything between herself and Mr. Elliot, she would say so.

But yet again, she had no hesitation.

"None. And I should be grateful to know the source of such fanciful rumors."

Frederick half-smiled at that, though he felt like shouting for joy and sweeping her up in his arms and dancing around the room. At the same time, however, he didn't want to move a muscle, as though any action on his part would cause this wonderful moment to shatter. She was looking at him with the same hope and love in her eyes that he felt were shining out from his. Would she accept him again, if he asked? He'd been of a mind to restart things slowly between them, to give her time to forgive him, but at this moment, he wanted to grab his chance with both hands and never let go again.

Say something, you idiot!

His conscience was screaming at him to speak, to say anything that would keep her here with him, so he decided the best way to do that was to answer her question. They could at least have a good laugh before moving on to protestations of undying love.

"As to that..."

And then his joyous bubble was burst. Mary Musgrove bustled into the room with barely a knock, and who was behind her but Lady Russell. Of all the people to appear at such a pivotal moment! The woman who, he was firmly convinced, had alone been responsible for Anne's defection and refusal eight years ago. Lovely.

For her part, Anne was instantly flustered at the intrusion, and their nearly-tangible connection evaporated. She awkwardly reintroduced him to Lady Russell, and though he was aware that he was acting rudely, he could only acknowledge her with an ice-cold, "How could I forget?"

Barely sparing him a glance and a nod, Lady Russell immediately turned to Anne, and Frederick knew that there was no possible way that he could declare anything right then. His best course of action was to bow out and rally his scattered thoughts. He had to come to Anne again, and soon, but what of Lady Russell? What could he possibly say to counteract whatever poison she no doubt poured in Anne's ear regarding himself?

"Ms. Elliot, if you'll excuse me, I shall convey your news to the Admiral. Good day."

And he left the room without a backwards glance. He was brooding on the sudden see-sawing nature of his luck as he made for the front door, when he heard her running behind and calling for him. Having no idea what he could possibly say to her now, he could not turn around. Fortunately he was saved, if that was the right word, by the arrival of Mrs. Musgrove and Henrietta at that very moment. Anne was instantly swamped by a bevy of twittering females, and he swiftly made his escape, half-cursing himself for taking the easy way out. But he had to think.

He made for his sister's lodgings, with the same determined stride he used on the deck of his ship. Once again his head was racing with strategies and recourses. He should have known better than to believe he could convey what he felt in his heart at a moment's notice. Give him a surprise attack from a French privateer, and he could instantly have the entire crew readying for battle with a plan fully formed before a shot was even fired. But finding the right words to express how precious and dear and necessary Anne was to him needed far more careful consideration. The first time he had done so, he had been a green boy, hardly aware of what was coming out of his mouth. In retrospect, he was amazed she had accepted his proposal, as he was fairly sure that he had barely been coherent. Now, however, he simply couldn't take the chance of being misunderstood. But every time he faced her, he couldn't think straight. So how was he to make her understand? And avoid mangling his heart in the process, should she refuse him? Being rejected by Anne once had nearly killed him; he did not think he could survive it again.

Quite the conundrum, eh, Freddy?

His brother's amused tone in his head almost made him smile. Edward always did manage to state the obvious. Distractedly, he pondered that would have to write him soon…

And then it hit him.

Of course!

He doubled his pace. Hopefully Harville was still at the apartments, and wouldn't mind running a small errand for him…

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Yes, I know. It's a terrible place to stop. But that was the scene, and I really couldn't improve on what comes next, so I'll leave it here. Watch the movie if you want to see what happens!