"As soon as you start thinking about the beginning, it's the end."—Junot Diaz

He remembered when the war ended. Every race across the galaxy rejoiced. Sure, they had their casualties, they had their scars, but they had their futures.

A future she nearly died trying to give them.

He remembered seeing her after her imprisonment on Earth, six months since she blew up that relay trying to stall the Reapers. While she'd been locked away, they descended on them like the plague, hitting Earth then Palaven.

The way she walked, talked, acted was different. Her face was harder, and paler from sleepless nights. Her gait had changed, she didn't just move like a woman on a mission but a woman racing against time. Her whole persona had altered since the Reapers had arrived.

He didn't blame her, who would? If he had the weight of the galaxy on your shoulders, he'd be different too.

He'd tried to look past the physical, tried to read between the lines. He wanted to make sure that she was still there; that beneath the cybernetic upgrades and the pale skin and tired eyes she was still Jane—his commander, his best friend.

He had to know if she was still the same woman he'd have followed into hell.

He was hopeful at first; she'd maintained her visits to the Battery just to talk to him, albeit a lot less frequently. But as time passed, the stakes rose and everyone began to demand more and more from her. That's when he noticed the cracks.

They were small at first. She had a shit temper, her patience had gone to hell and her tolerance for bullshit was at an all-time low. But he could understand that, if he had to deal with half she shit she did he'd have lost his fucking mind.

But a part of him never stopped believing that she was larger than life; he always thought that somehow she'd come out okay, because that's what she always did.

She was Commander Fucking Shepard. She didn't break, she didn't bend, and she didn't fail.

But he was wrong.

He didn't notice it until the topic of the genophage came up. She had to fix it, solve a centuries old problem that had nothing to do with her because no one could get their shit straight.

It was same old same old. They went in, shit hit the fan, and Shepard went with Mordin to make sure the genophage cure would be okay. Only Shepard came back.

He didn't ask too much about it, she'd given him the bare bones of what had happened later that week. But he could tell something was missing, something she neglected to say.

She didn't tell him the truth until Wrex had attacked her on the Citadel; until he watched their shouting fest; until he watched her put a barrage of bullets in her friend.

She'd stood over Wrex's body for a while, not speaking, not moving. Her gun was clenched tightly in her hand.

Garrus took a step forward to say something, anything, but before he could she turned on her heel and walked back to the docking bay. She didn't look at him or Tali. She didn't look at anything.

She'd met him in the battery not long after that and told him about Mordin, about sabotaging the genophage. She spared no details.

He told her what she needed to hear—that he could have done the same thing, that it was just the ruthless calculus of war, but his gut burned at his lies.

She didn't say anything, just nodded, staring off at nothing. It was then he noticed that her eyes—eyes that usually shined like emeralds—were dull and opaque, almost glassy.

"Jane—"

"That's all Garrus." She said, cutting him off. She was out of the battery and nearing the elevator seconds later, leaving him to watch her retreating back.

She didn't come back down to the Battery after that.

She avoided everybody until the next mission came up. She talked to the crew less and less, read all her messages in her cabin, didn't come down to the Mess Hall, all forms of social contact was cut to a bare minimum.

He started to worry, everyone did. Tali had come down to the Battery more often, voicing her grievances, thinking of something—anything—they could do to help her.

"I feel like she's drifting away from us Garrus, like we're losing her all over again."

That's because we are. "It's the war, Tali. She…" He paused. "It's wearing on all of us and she's no exception. She's not immortal, she has limits." Limits that she's dangerously close to exceeding.

"You should talk to her Garrus. She always used to open up to you."

Used to. He sighed. "I…I'll try Tali. I'll try."

The next day he sent a private message to Shepard, short and to the point.

Shepard, I'm not going to try to pretend like I understand everything you're going through, because I don't.

But I'd like to understand, if you'd let me.

I'm always down in the Battery if you want to talk about anything, or nothing at all.

I'm here if you need me.

Garrus.

She didn't take him up on his offer until after the coup d'états with Udina. It'd been one hell of a day, Thane was gone, Udina lost his mind, and Shepard killed Kaidan.

All in all, the day had been shit.

He'd caught Shepard putting up Kaidan's name along with the other fallen crewmembers. His name fell below Thane's.

She was thinner, her skin sallow and grey, with dark purple crescents blooming under her eyes. Her hair was even more erratic than before, the layered red bob seemed to protrude at odd angles. Her hands shook as they smoothed the name plate down on the memorial wall.

She stood up, by his side. They both stared at the wall, each lost in their own thoughts. Garrus was busy trying to find something to say to her, something that would make her feel better, anything to bring the light back to her eyes.

"I don't regret it." Her voice was like her eyes; hollow.

"Shepard—"

"He wouldn't stand down."

"It's—"

"He didn't give me any choice, Cerberus was coming and Udina was gonna get us all killed and I had to stop him. I had to—He…he wouldn't fucking listen to me, and I…I did what I had to."

"No one's blaming you Shepard—"

"That's what I always do—what I have to. Did I want to shoot him? No, God he was my friend. So was Mordin and Wrex and I shot them too. I had to. I had to. That doesn't make it right though does it? No-no it just makes it what it is; unavoidable."

Garrus' heart was breaking little by little as she spoke; words pouring out of her mouth like vomit. He reached out to her, grabbed her shoulders, leaned in trying to make it stop, trying to make her stop—

"I would've done it all again, over and over and over again. None of them trusted me. None of them, or they would've stopped and did what I asked, Garrus."

"Shepard please—"

"I need everyone's trust, I need everyone doing what I say, when I say it. No questions, no arguments, just fucking do it. Because how else can I trust you watching my six if I can't trust you to follow orders? I can't, and I won't take that chance. I can't, I—"

"Jane," He said, shaking her harder. Her eyes flew up to his, and he swore he could see the red cybernetics hiding behind her green irises, making her eyes darker in some spots more than others. Her mouth was slightly open, breathing labored, forehead shining with sweat. Her arms began to shake; her torso quaked with the force of her breathing.

"No one calls me that anymore." She whispered. "I don't think anyone remembers I have a first name anymore." Her breath fanned out over his face, and it was only then that he realized just how close they were, their foreheads nearly touching.

"I want to call you Jane." He whispered, voice rough, throat tight. "I want to be there for you, watch your six, shoulder some of the bullshit everyone keeps dumping on you, I—"

He was silenced when her hands snaked up around his neck, resting slightly on his armor-covered cowl. His arms instinctively dropped to her waist, and he was surprised by how right this felt.

Her eyes were tracing over his features, and he could feel the heat of her gaze as it raked over his plates. "Is that a promise, Garrus?"

His voice was barely above a whisper. "Yes."

She opened her mouth, and Spirits knew he'd have killed to know what she was about to say. But he'd never know.

Before she could speak the sound of the elevator doors opening was like thunder, shattering the moment with startling suddenness. Between the spaces of two heartbeats she was out of his arms. She shook her head absently, looked him in the eyes and gave him a pathetic imitation of a smile.

"No." She whispered, letting her gaze drop to the floor. "No."

"Jane—"

She disappeared down the hall by the time Tali came, walking up to stand beside him. He was sure she was speaking to him; asking him something, but he only shook his head and walked back to the elevator to return to the Battery.

A/N: Okay, so if anyone is confused about what just happened, here's some clarification.

This entire chapter is basically a series of flashbacks, from the moment Shepard landed on Palaven and onward, spanning (quickly) over the ME-3 timeline. (Sorry if I didn't make that clear enough).

Thanks a lot for reading, please review; if you liked it, or hated it I'd like to know!

Oh, and the quote is from a book by Jason Diaz called This is How You Lose Her.