April 9, 2013: So, real life has gone and gotten in the way of my editing this monster. Sorry about that. It was unanticipated and unavoidable. :-P I'd like to say that I'll hopefully have the last chapter ready to go within the next day or so, but I highly suspect that's the one which will need the most work... so I make no promises. -.-;;; Thanks for sticking with me!

I waited half the night for Judas, nervously pacing my tent like a man preparing for the gallows. With each passing moment, my heart grew a fraction colder, more fearful. What if my thoughts earlier had been a foreshadowing? It would not be the first time such foreknowledge had come to me, unbidden and unwelcome. What if this was the wedge that finally drove Judas away from me for good? I paced and paced and paced some more, unable to be still and unwilling to leave my tent and miss the moment when Judas would come.

Several of the great constellations had already risen and wheeled past overhead before I finally concluded that, in spite of Mary's unexpected encouragement, Judas would not come to me that night. I paced back and forth again and again and again, more disappointed than I could readily admit that Judas and I would not have the chance to clear the air between us before dawn. I sat on my bedroll, legs drawn in underneath me, staring at the flap of my tent as though willing Judas' form to appear. It did not. What did, though, was a sound - a great sound. The sound of the shofar.

That got me to my feet as nothing else would and I emerged from my tent, anxiously scanning the night for the source of the noise. When I reached the guard station, James the Lesser was just putting away the instrument whose sound had driven me from my musings and into the night. He shrugged apologetically for disturbing me and said, simply, "Simon's report of an all-clear. We are free to enter Jerusalem whenever you are ready, Jesus. We but await your command." I thanked James for the report though the information did nothing to soothe my anxiety. We were not ready to take on all of Jerusalem, our holy capitol - and I had said this to no one but Judas... but I was unsure we ever would be. Many of my apostles were weak at heart, still resorted to violence in situations that would be better served by peaceful protest. We were not ready, but with time beating down on me like the great heat of the desert sun at summer's high noon, I feared I would have little choice in the matter, that we would take on Jerusalem, prepared or not.

Disturbed by far more than my argument with Judas, now, I found I could not return to my tent. I was too distracted, too full of anxiety, doubt... fear. I needed Judas. I went to the tent he shared with Peter and Simon, grateful that I would not have to get past Simon - a notoriously light sleeper - that night, and knelt by Judas' bedroll to feel for his sleeping form. My hands encountered nothing but empty air. Where could he be? If he was not here, not asleep... where was Judas?

With my heart full of dread, I raced from the tent, ready to sound a general alarm. I checked myself within a few paces, however. Judas was well-known for his occasional disappearances, so his absence from camp at night would not normally be cause for alarm... and Judas would not thank me for calling attention to him in this way. I moved listlessly around camp, eyeing the watchfires and those camped around them, pulling back tentflaps to peer inside. There was no sign of Judas. I turned back towards my own tent, then, nearly ready to give up for the night when I realized that there was one person I might safely enlist in my search, someone who would know that Judas' disappearance was of concern without having to be told why - Mary.

I turned my steps towards Mary's tent, slowing my advance considerably as I did so. I was still uneasy with what I had witnessed earlier in the day, unsure what it meant. Clearly there was a connection between my two closest friends that I did not understand - that I was certain, in fact, that I could not understand - and it had sprung into being, whole and intact, right under my very nose without me even being aware of its germination. In truth, I was not ready to confront Mary about it, especially after having been rebuked so soundly earlier. Still... I could not leave this situation unresolved and Mary was my only remaining option for assistance.

I made my way to Mary's tent, pausing just at the entrance. There was a soft glow which lit the tent from the inside and I was relieved that I would not be disturbing Mary's slumber... but I could not help but wonder why she was still awake. Fear that she had returned to her wanton ways kept me from pushing open the tent flap to see for myself. If she truly had turned back to her former profession while with my company, I found myself not wanting to know - especially not when my determined objections that she could ever do so were what had prompted my falling out with Judas to begin with. That would be too cruel.

So, I stood outside the tent, crouched and listening, while trying to pretend I was doing anything but exactly that. Not a minute later, my ears were rewarded in a way I desperately wished they had not been. A low groan issued forth from inside Mary's tent - and unless she was tending to a wounded man inside, there were not many other options for what could have made that sound other than exactly what I had feared it would be. Worse still, though... the second time that groan sounded, I realized that I knew the voice that had uttered it - knew it well - as I had heard it make such an utterance before.

With that knowledge beating hard beneath my breast, I could no longer stay hidden and hiding. I crept forward, pushed at the tent flap until a corner came loose and I could peer inside. And what I saw... dear G-d, I wished I could unsee it the moment the vision registered to my eyes. Judas was sprawled supine on the floor of Mary's tent, one hand thrown upwards, a knuckle caught between his teeth to muffle the noises that had already betrayed him, the other buried in Mary's hair.

I cursed myself as I realized that even now, even in light of such a betrayal by the two I loved most, even as I despaired that Mary had fallen so easily back into her old ways... even so, I could not stop myself from noticing how very beautiful Judas was in the glow of the lamp light. His skin shone with sweat, the muscles of his abdomen bunched tight, his head thrown back to expose the long line of his throat... Judas was the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on and in the midst of pleasure he was more beautiful still.

His body jerked and trembled as I watched, fitful under Mary's skilled hands... and mouth? I watched as she moved, as she trailed kisses across Judas' stomach, down his legs and back up his inner thighs. I couldn't imagine what she could be about, but I found myself completely entranced and unable to look away. From the sounds my beloved was making under this tender onslaught, the way his muscles bunched and shook, what Mary was doing was far from unpleasurable. She placed one last kiss at the juncture of Judas' hip and thigh before moving back upwards to place a gentle kiss on his forehead and whisper something in his ear. Whatever she said, his breath caught and he nodded. She smiled softly, kissed his forehead again, and moved back downwards.

I leaned forward, trying to get a better view of the proceedings, though had I been asked I would have denied such motivation to my last breath. Mary settled back between Judas' legs and pushed them out to the sides to give herself easier access. She then braced her hands on his hips, leaned down... and engulfed him with her mouth. I thanked G-d that Judas' own hand chose that moment to fail in its efforts to keep him silent, for I let out a cry of my own that I most certainly did not want heard by those inside.

Judas' second hand found its way back into Mary's hair, even as the first returned to its now clearly futile task of trying to cover the soft cries of pleasure tumbling forth from his lips. The sight of him spread out, flushed and wanting, of Mary, gently but firmly holding down his hips as he instinctively fought to thrust up into her mouth, her long hair forming a drape around them to hide them from all prying eyes but my most determined ones - he was beautiful... and so was she. They were beautiful. Watching them, I found my mouth going dry, my breath catching in my throat... and my manhood growing hard despite my efforts to prevent it.

I stayed there, crouched outside Mary's tent, watching until she had brought Judas to completion with a practiced air. He lay there for a moment, still and breathing hard, before stirring himself to sit up. He watched Mary out of bruised, haunted eyes, and I finally understood that though he had taken physical satisfaction from the act for certain, emotionally it had done nothing positive for him. Seeing my beloved in that light, my heart clenched in my chest. I hoped that it was different when he was with me, desperately hoped it was so... needed it to be so. I knew Judas well enough to know that he would tell me the truth of the matter if I asked it of him, but if the answer was as I feared - that he continued to lie with me out of duty, out of affection, but not out of love or his own desire - I found myself a coward and not wishing to know.

I turned my attention back to Mary and Judas. Judas had a smile on his face that did not entirely reach his eyes as he held out a hand for Mary and laid her gently down on the floor of the tent in the reverse of their earlier positions. She shook her head, made as if to sit back up, but Judas just smiled and leaned over to kiss her, one hand stroking her breast through the thin fabric of her dress, the other drifting downwards, sliding underneath. When he found what he sought beneath her voluminous skirts, Mary let out a breathless scream and threw her head backwards, her back arching off the floor. Judas smirked and moved his hand, again, watching for her each and every reaction.

Seeing that she had given in to that desire, Judas' smile widened and he shifted to move Mary's dress out of his way. Once she was revealed to him, he bent over her, returned the favor of those initial teasing kisses, then with no further preamble, buried his face between her legs. Just as before, I hadn't the first idea what he was doing, but from the scream of pleasure Mary let out, I could guess all too easily, and judging by the noises that Mary continued to make thereafter, Judas was as skilled in his own way as she was in hers. I felt a pang in my heart at that obvious display of skill, at the idea that I, too, had taken advantage of it for my own purposes, my own pleasure, without thinking more than fleetingly of what he must have done to acquire it.

Much to my shame, I stayed, watched until the echoes of Mary's last culminating scream of pleasure had died away into the night. Once she had her breath back, she sat up, reached for Judas... and one thing this night finally went as I expected it would. He shied away from her, eyes still haunted and full of self-loathing. Mary sighed, pulled him to her, anyway, and brought him to rest against her chest, carding her fingers through his soft curls and murmuring soothing words into his ears. Eventually, he blew out the lamp and lay down beside her, head resting on her breast, and she reached for a blanket to drape over them both.

It did not take long for her to fall asleep. We had all had a long day and Mary's had been longer than most. I caught my breath as I watched them, envious, but still hoping to see Judas allow himself to rest, just this once. My prayers, however, went unanswered. Once certain that Mary had drifted into a deeply satisfied slumber, Judas gathered his clothing, dressed as quietly as he could and moved towards the tent flap. I scrambled out of his way into the cover of the surrounding darkness not a moment too soon.

Judas exited the tent clutching his outer robe to him and looking so lost... so young. He took a step towards his own tent, stopped. He then took a step towards mine and stopped, again. I fought the desire to push him in the direction I wished. After nearly ten minutes of hesitation, Judas finally completed his second action and stepped off in the direction of my tent. I rose and followed.

Judas stopped outside my tent, hesitating before he pushed open the flap, but push it open he did. He peered inside, squinted, finally took a hesitant step forwards, ducking his lean frame to look more closely. I heard him call my name, softly, quietly. He took another step inside. I eased closer, listened as he shuffled around inside the tent, trying to locate my sleeping form. Of course, he found nothing. Before he could make a move to leave the tent, however, I came to a decision.

I needed Judas. I'd known that since he joined me nearly three years ago. I needed him for his insight, for his intellect... for his caring and compassion, for the way he took care of me without ever seeming to, for the way he never forgot how important our work was even when I grew weary and wanted to set down the entire load for someone else to shoulder... for the way he loved me. He kept me human, kept me grounded, but never let me forget that I served a higher purpose. In short, I needed him because he was my better half... and I loved him. I needed him to know that he was as important to me, as well-loved, as Mary... perhaps more so. I needed him to know that I did not keep him at my side merely for my own pleasure. And I thought maybe Mary had just given me what I needed to show him that, if I had the courage.

I crept forward, staying low as I passed through the tent flap. It felt... it felt right. I had abused Judas' loyalty, love and friendship terribly that day. I had no right to loom over him as someone to be respected. Not tonight. Tonight I was the supplicant in need of forgiveness. Judas had only been trying to protect us, to protect me. I owed him better than what I had given him.

Judas was turned away, peering into the darkness, afraid to move too quickly for fear of stepping on me or kicking me where he thought I lay sleeping. I moved quietly, quickly, to kneel by his side. Once positioned well, I reached up, touched his hip with my right hand. He jumped, let out a small scream, quickly muffled. His breathing sped up and he stuttered out, "M-my Lord?"

I shook my head, only realizing that he couldn't see me in the dark as well as I could him when he asked after me, again. I reached my other hand up, gently gripped Judas' hips in my hands. He swallowed hard, breath quickening further still - from fear or anticipation, I didn't know... though I suspected the former. I had not yet even confirmed for him who was in the tent with him and he had no way of knowing my intent. To my shame, however, I found I could not speak. The sheer audacity of what I was about to do, my fear that he might reject me for it, that I might see that hated self-loathing in his eyes again when he looked on me... that I might lose him... these things kept me silent. Instead, I gripped his hips a little harder, pulled him close to me and rested my forehead against his lower abdomen, fingers gently kneading at his hips and lower back.

Judas gasped, half-buckled over me as my breath ghosted lower still than his abdomen. As he did so, his hands fell to my shoulders, my hair, and he asked again, more certain this time, "My Lord?"

I shook my head, finally managed to answer, "Not tonight, my friend... I have no right to claim that title tonight." Judas made as if to drop to his knees beside me, but I held him upright in his place. He made a noise of confusion, but I shushed him by pushing up the material of his tunic and placing a gentle kiss just above the waistband of his pants at his hip. I then mouthed my way lower over his pants to place gentle kisses along the crease between his hip and thigh. He gasped and again folded over me, hands clutching at my shoulders. Again, I steadied him.

Hands clutching fitfully in my tunic, Judas said, "My L- Jesus. What are you doing?"

I looked up then, a fortunate beam of moonlight coming through the tent flap illuminating the darkness just enough for us to see each other clearly in that moment. My own look of slowly dawning mischievous enjoyment met a look on Judas' face of horrified disapproval. My own smile faltered. That had not been the reaction I sought, nor had I thought Judas would guess what I was about so quickly. I said, "Judas...?"

He closed his eyes, swallowed hard, his hands convulsing in the course material of my tunic. When Judas' eyes opened once more, he took a deep breath and looked Heavenward as though praying for patience. I had been privileged to see that look on his face but once before, when we had gone through a town and been surrounded by a group of local children who would not leave me be. I had never thought to see it directed at my own self. He finally gripped my shoulders more firmly and pushed me back from where I still rested against his lower body. Slowly, as though to one of those children, he explained, "My Lord, this is not appropriate."

"Why not?" was my reply. The words came out petulant, like a child's, and though I did not like hearing that tone in my own voice, I could feel Judas gathering to pull away from me, then, and knew I could not allow it to happen, that if he pulled away now, I would lose him. I did the only thing I could think of to do. I grabbed his hips and pulled him back in, pressed my face back against his lower abdomen... and then dropped lower to kiss him through the cloth of his pants. I could feel it as he responded, half-hardened in spite of his disapproval and I smiled, mouthed him a little more firmly, with a little more surety.

Gasping above me, Judas returned to clutching convulsively at my shoulders, letting out a strained whimper as he again attempted to straighten and pull away. I would not have it this time. Finally, he let out a plaintive cry and said, "My Lord, you do not understand! Please..."

Only the true pain in his voice kept me from ignoring Judas' continued protests. I looked up, answered the fear in his eyes with another gentle kiss for the bared skin at his hip. I said, "Judas... tonight I am not your Lord. I am not a prophet. I am not a rabbi. I am not the Messiah. I am not anyone but Jesus, son of Joseph and Mary... and your lover. Tonight, and every other night hence, we are equals..." When Judas opened his mouth to protest, I raised my voice to cover his words, "...as I always considered us to be."

Judas fell silent, mouth still opened slightly in shock. I slid my arms around his hips in a gentle embrace and nuzzled against his lower abdomen. One of his hands raised from my shoulder to stroke through my hair - softly, slowly, full of wonder. It was the first time he had done such a thing. Always it had been me running my hands through his hair, as though petting some beautiful, exotic animal. Apart from that very first night, always it had been me in a position of power over him, though I had not intended it to be so. To be his lord and teacher in the daytime and his lord and master at night... that had not been my intent. No wonder that self-loathing. I was only lucky he had never thought to direct it outward towards me where it belonged or I would have lost him long before now.

Judas' hand stilled in my hair, then, and he said softly, "Jesus... this changes nothing. What you tried to do... it is unseemly, inappropriate, for you to... it just... it isn't done."

I frowned, confused. How could he say such a thing when he had just come from doing such things, himself? Why were they acceptable for him and for Mary, but not for me? Again, I found myself in a position of ignorance of something which Judas understood as clearly as he breathed. I did not like it any better then than I had earlier that day, but this time I was determined not to take my embarrassment out on the one trying to help me understand. Mary had been right. I was not wise in the ways of the world as they were. I needed whatever guidance Judas would give me. I loosened my hold on him, leaned back into a crouch to better look up into the dark brown of Judas' eyes and simply asked, "Why?"

Judas' eyes widened momentarily, then narrowed in anger and he flung himself away from me to angrily pace the small confines of my tent. Several passes later, he dropped hard to his knees across from me and reached out to grip my hands in his, squeezing them almost painfully. He spat out the following explanation, "Because that, it... It is a way to give pleasure without asking any in return." Seeing I still did not understand, he clutched one of my hands to his chest, bowed over it and said bitterly, "Jesus, it is a whore's trick, nothing more... it is not worthy of you to engage in such activities."

My eyes had adjusted enough to the dark by then to see the wild look in Judas' eyes, even though his head was bowed to hide it from me. I had touched a nerve here that I'd been unaware was lurking beneath the surface. Though it may seem brash, I will admit that I did pray for guidance to help me through this unexpected crisis between us. More unexpectedly, still... those prayers were answered. I lifted my free hand to cup Judas' face and said simply, "Whore's trick or no, Judas, that is what I want... a way to worship you as you do me, a way to show you that I love you without requiring anything of you in return. And if that makes me like unto those of Mary's kind... then so be it. There are far worse things to be."

Judas rose to his feet then, back turned to me so that I could no longer see his face. Moments later, I could see his shoulders shaking, heard as he fought with himself to prevent tears. He wanted to reprimand me, to remind me that the actions I took had consequences. He wanted to remind me that this very attitude is what he had rebuked me for earlier that day, that allowing me to do this thing would also be allowing me to make a hypocrite of him... but I could also see how desperately he craved what I was offering. For once, finally, I had read what he needed correctly. And I knew by the way he reached back for me, despite his obvious misgivings, that I had won my argument. I reached out, pulled Judas' hips back around towards me as I pressed my cheek against his outstretched hand. That hand spasmed momentarily against my face before gently cupping it, stroking along my jaw. He whispered, "So be it," and then slid that hand back into my hair, gently running his fingers through it.

I smiled, leaned in and slid my hands under Judas' shirt, ran them up his sides to settle into the hollows just beneath his ribcage that always seemed made to fit my hands. I used my grip to pull him towards me, leaned in to kiss his lower abdomen, his stomach, the bottom of his ribcage. He jerked with each kiss, shivered under my hands as I trailed those kisses higher slowly rising to my feet, lifting my hands from those tempting hollows and dragging his tunic with me as I moved. When my hands reached his chest, he shrugged out of his outer robe and obligingly lifted his arms to allow me to lift the shirt up over his head and drop it to the side. He shivered once but kept his eyes locked with mine as I slowly lowered myself back to my knees before him. He was unsure, still, nervous at our reversal of position, but I was determined to see this through... for both our sakes.

I lifted my hands back to the hollows of Judas' sides, a familiar place, a comforting one, and pulled him close to me, again. This time, however, I slid my hands downwards, caught at the waistband of his pants and slid my hands back, over the curve of his buttocks and down the backs of his thighs, dragged his pants down with them, revealing inch after slow inch of perfect golden skin. Dear G-d, Judas was even more beautiful here, with me, than he had been with Mary. I allowed myself to entertain the thought that that might be unfair bias talking... then quashed it ruthlessly. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all, so who was to say I was wrong?

Once Judas was bared to me, I leaned in, able to kiss directly all those places I had only touched through cloth earlier. And in my mind's eye, I could not help but remember each spot at which Mary had placed her lips, found myself ghosting across each of them as though questing for what little of her own taste and essence she had left behind. Judas trembled under my touch, one hand buried in my hair so, so carefully, so as not to tug, the other back in his mouth being gnawed upon to prevent the issuance of any unseemly sounds. Good. I liked him this way, flushed, wanton and a hair's span from losing control.

Only... now that I had him exactly as I wanted him, I was not entirely sure what to do. Mary had made it look so natural, so easy. Staring at him now, though, I was not even sure where to begin. Judas shifted above me, sensing my uncertainty and ready to pull away again at the least excuse. No. I would not have it. I leaned forward, pressed a kiss at the juncture between Judas' thigh and his groin, allowed myself to flick my tongue lightly against the crease. Judas gasped, almost buckled over me, again. It occurred to me then that this position would not be tenable for long. I could not support both our weights and accomplish what I wished at the same time. I was not that skilled.

Judas' hand in my hair gave my head a gentle scratch and when I looked up, he hesitantly smiled, "May I offer advice without reprimand?"

I pressed another kiss to his stomach and nodded, "Of course."

He cleared his throat, "This would be far easier for us both if I were to join you on the floor."

That was the same conclusion I had drawn myself, but I was not entirely satisfied with it, could not shake the idea that were I to place myself in such a way as to be looming over him again, it would belie my declaration that we were to be equals from here on. In the end we compromised - Judas joined me on the floor, but braced his back against the center pole of the tent. Though he still thought the idea a strange one, for my sake, he was willing to do as I asked. I crawled between his legs and leaned forward to lightly kiss his lips. Judas lifted his hands to my face, pulled me closer, still, and sealed our lips together once more. The heat of his mouth on mine, the soft, wet thrust of his tongue against my own... Judas still kissed as though he would devour me. All these years later, he had still not lost any of his hunger for what I represented, for the knowledge he could gain from me... but most of all, he had not lost his hunger for me. Only one thing had changed - my hunger now matched his own.

I pulled myself reluctantly from Judas' lips, traced a trail of kisses back down his chest, his abdomen, finally settled myself along the floor between his legs. When I looked up to see him watching me, dark eyes intently focused on my own, it nearly proved my undoing. I could not continue to look, jerked my gaze away, focused it downwards. With a deep breath, I took him in my hand, smiled as he gasped above me, fought not to bury his hand in my hair and tug. The muscles of his thighs bunched with the effort not to clamp around me. Still, I was far from finished. I bent my head, parted my lips... and finally took him into my mouth. The strangled whine he let out from above me was all the accolade I needed to encourage me.

I took more of him, as much as I could, and he cried out louder, jerked under my hands. There was a small part of me, detached from the proceedings, that could not help but notice odd details - the smell of him, somehow more primal here than at any other point on his body, the rough rasp of the rug beneath my knees as I moved, the constant tremble in his legs as he fought to hold still for me. However, at one particularly appreciated action on my part he could not help himself. Steeped in the rhythm of what I was doing, I reacted without thinking, slung an arm across his hips to hold him down, then smiled when he nearly sobbed in relief above me at that assistance. No longer distracted by unplanned movements on his part, I was free to concentrate on other things and what my mind returned to, over and over, was that I could hardly believe that where my lips were now... Mary's had been a mere hour before, maybe less. Far from being off-putting, however, I found the thought strangely exciting, as though this act had cemented the connections between the three of us in ways I could not understand and perhaps never would.

It did not take long before Judas let out a strangled cry, breath heavy as he tried to push me away. I knew why he did so, but I would not allow it. I wanted this. All of it. When he spilled his seed I drank it down, mouth moving gently over him as he collapsed over me, unable to hold himself upright a moment longer. I released him from my mouth but curled closer to him, arms wrapping around his waist as he shook and trembled over me, draped across my back like a living blanket. When he calmed, I eased him down beside me, took him into my arms and kissed his forehead as I cradled him close.

Judas lay quiescent in my embrace for an endless round of heartbeats, seemingly unwilling to contemplate movement or action of any kind. I will admit to having felt a surge of pride when I realized that I had been the one to bring him to that state. There was no pain in his eyes, no hint of that self-directed hatred I had so feared would be there. There was nothing but bliss... and wonder. After a time, he made a soft, questioning sound and shifted, twitched his hand down my flank as though to reach for me and reciprocate my gift to him, but I caught his hand in my own, lightly kissed the palm and then returned it to its spot between us, resting against my heart. I had meant what I said. This was not about reciprocation. This was about Judas and showing him how very much he was loved and appreciated. From the enthralled, enraptured expression still resting on his face - so very different from the one he had worn when finished with Mary - I had succeeded in demonstrating my point. He made one last sleepy noise of protest, but I quickly shushed him. Grabbing his outer robe from the floor, I draped it over us both, then pulled Judas up against me and held him there, against my heart, for the remainder of the night.

I did not know it then, but that was to the be last true night of peace we two were ever to know in this life. The next day we arrived in Jerusalem... and everything changed.