Sam's more confused then anything. With a smash of glass and a tumble of his body he's in his universe. His short lived life as an actor on the show Supernatural is done and once again he's thrown into the chaos of his real life. Raphael struts towards him her face a cold mask of fury and righteousness.

"You two...have the strangest luck." Sam forces himself up, his fingers tightly grasping the motel keys.

Dean unable to stop himself makes a comment about Raphael's vessel and like Sam expected there's consequences in the form of his insides crushing together. His ribs close in against his inner organs and it hurts. Sam grits his teeth as he fights to not cry out in pain, the keys fall out of his hand and with a jangle he hears them being picked up.

He allows himself to fall to one knee but then Balthazar arrives and the pains gone, himself and Dean jump to their feet more than willing to step back and let the two angels have at it.

Sam watches the scene unfold before him, his eyes flickering to Dean's every once in a while as he tries to think of a way they can get out of this unscathed. Before Sam can plot he hears Cas's gravelly voice demanding Raphael step away from Balthazar. Sam doesn't try to hide the relief on his face. This Cas, his Cas is still alive. Misha or whatever his name is from the other universe was brutally stabbed but the doppelganger in their universe is safe and that's enough for Sam to forget all about his escape plan.

Castiel's wings fan out so magnificently, the dark shadows of them spreading against the dirty brick wall behind him and Sam thinks that this is the most majestic Cas has ever looked.

There are more words and threatening looks before Raphael disappears so quickly Sam misses the sound of his wings beating.

"Well Cas ... now that you have your sword ...try not to die by it." Balthazar's eyes soften and his mouth quirks up ever so slightly in familiar affection. It makes Sam's gut twist uncomfortably.

"Cas..what the hell?" Sam breathlessly asks his mind still blown over seeing Cas's wings, it may have just been the shadows but it was a heavy reminder of exactly what he is.

There's no reply just a hand to his shoulder and the next thing he knows, he's at Bobby's – and it's raining- that thought is soon discarded when everything clicks into place in Sam's head.

"Wait you were in on this? Using us as a diversion!" Sam forces himself to sound angry when really he feels more hurt than anything else.

"It was Balthazar's plan." Cas states, his back turned to Sam and Dean.

Sam stands with an open mouth and a frown because this isn't the Cas he knows. Cas wouldn't intentionally put them in danger just to retrieve weapons. When Anna had returned from Heaven and wanted to meet with them Castiel had put his own life in danger by meeting her alone just to make sure all was well before Sam and Dean got involved. It just didn't make any sense. Raphael was a hell of a lot more dangerous then Anna had ever been and Cas practically led the archangel to them.

"I would have done the same thing." Castiel admits.

"That's not comforting Cas!" Dean growls out and Sam notices how his brother's fist is clenched, his knuckles whitening but Sam doesn't comment.

Sam does nothing more than stare as his brother and angel have a shouting match between them, Deans voice becoming deeper and more agitated as time passes. He knows there's a rift between the two of them. Sam doesn't know if it's because of circumstances or because of him. The only time Dean speaks to Castiel now is when they come across a problem that is too big for them to handle themselves, it's a long shot from how they used to sit and drink at bars together, Castiel unintentionally amusing Dean with his naivety.

Castiel has a guarded look on his face the entire time he speaks but again there's something soft there, an inkling of regret and all Sam wants to do is hold him but he can't possibly do that in front of Dean so he allows Castiel to flee.

When everyone's asleep Sam quietly exits the kitchen where he had been rolling his warm beer around in his hands and walks through Bobby's back yard.

He prays for Cas. And waits. And waits. And waits. The sun begins to rise and instead of finding the beauty in it as Sam usually does it makes him feel nauseous.

He goes back to the house removes a beer from the fridge, sits on a dining table chair and rolls the bottle around in his hands. He isn't aware he hasn't drank any of it until Dean stumbles sleepily into the room, raises an eyebrow at him and says "Little early for that Sammy." Sam hums the noise quiet and not quite finished before he gets up spills the beer down the sink and ambles towards the stairs to shower. The entire time he can feel Dean's eyes on him.

/

Their in the car on the way into town because Bobby stressed that it was their fault his house is ripped to shit. So it's also up to them to fix the gaping hole in his wall. Dean grumbled that if Bobby wanted to get technical it was actually Balthazar's fault. Bobby then reasoned that if Dean had that attitude he should stop drinking all of Bobby's whiskey. Dean soon shut up.

The familiar leather seats and purr of the Impala lull Sam somewhat but he hasn't slept and he's grouchy and every time Dean looks at him he wants to scream.

"What!" Sam finally asks when they pause at a set of traffic lights and Dean's eyes shift to him.

"Dude, what's with you? You've been moping all day." Dean tries to make asking sound like a chore but Sam can hear the worry beneath his words.

"Nothing..." Sam sighs. When Dean continues looking at him, he rolls his eyes. "Nothing Dean. I'm just tired." Suddenly Sam feels like a pissy teenager again.

"Hmm." Dean replies before driving off again.

They park up soon after and Sam finds himself waiting in the car for Dean for almost seven minutes. It doesn't seem like much but when you've had zero sleep and you know you have a day full of D.I.Y and Dean's awful singing ahead of you seven minutes is long enough.

Sam huffs dramatically; Dean said he was taking a leak that was all. Sam was sure relieving yourself didn't take long.

With his hand on the door handle Sam readies himself to leave the Impala before he sees Dean crossing the road towards the car and in his hand is a paper bag with the name of a sandwich deli sprawled across the side. Sam rolls his eyes because of course Dean has to stop for food.

Sam turns his body towards the driver's seat door, raising an eyebrow and pursing his lips as Dean plonks down into the driver's seat.

"Keep pulling that face Sammy and it'll get stuck like that." Dean jokes, whistling in an attempt to hide his laughter as he puts the key in the ignition.

"I thought we were supposed to get supplies for fixing Bobby's wall not getting- "

Sam reaches over to the bag Dean had placed between them, roughly opening it before peering inside and finding a fruit tart neatly confided within a plastic container.

"Fruit tart." Sam finishes lamely his eyes taking in the perfectly sliced kiwi, strawberry and pineapple pieces on top of the frangipane filled tart.

"You're favourite." Dean comments, his voice seeking approval even though his eyes are focused on the road as he pulls out onto it.

"Yeah." Sam agrees breathlessly. "Thanks Dean."

Dean turns to him with a grin. "Don't get all mushy on me Sammy, just thought if you got your five a day you wouldn't be so PMS'y."

Sam's sure PMS'y isn't even a word but Dean made the effort to get him his favourite dessert and that's kind of awesome.

/

Fixing Bobby's wall takes longer than expected because Dean misread the instructions on how to make concrete, regardless they get it done and once their finished Sam manages to eat a sandwich before he passes out on Bobby's sofa.

Sam rarely has good dreams anymore, he can barely remember a time when he did. More often than not when he falls asleep it's from exhaustion so he see's nothingness until he wakes up. But there is the odd night where he has nightmares, where he's sure he hears Lucifer's whispers however that may be the wall. Sam thinks of it sometimes and ponders what the consequences would be if the wall were to shatter. Would it explode and smash as Bobby's study wall had or would it simply fall to pieces silently and unknowingly.

He tries not to scratch at it, he tries not to pry but Sam's always had a hard time doing what people tell him to. Sometimes he finds himself wanting to confront that part of his memory that's locked away, so he can beat it and be rid of it. Because as long as it's there it's going to be a burden, something that he has to think about and be wary of. As long as the walls there he's not one hundred percent and the thought scares Sam because if something were to go wrong when they were on a hunt he doesn't think no he knows that whatever monster is there won't stop attacking and wait for him to have an episode. It would kill him. It would kill Dean. And that thought alone makes Sam sick with guilt. It also makes him feel strangely vulnerable something he hasn't felt since he was a pre teen and was confused with his body and his broken family and the repition of why me?

He's asked Castiel what the consequences could be if the wall were to be broken. Castiel said that Sam's most likely to die; the angel claimed his death would be a great mercy to the alternative. Cas has a habit of being blunt at the best of times. Sam then asked that if he was to miraculously survive the crumbling of the wall what would happen. Paralyses. Insanity. Physic pains. Hallucinations. So all good things of course. Sam sometimes wonders what he'd see. Would he recall being tortured in hell? Would he remember Lucifer?

He beat the devil once before what was it Lucifer had said. 'A fiddle of gold against your soul says I'm better than you' Sam had proven him wrong of course. He had taken control of his body once again and thrown himself into the pit. He was strong enough to beat the devil then and Lucifer was corporal. He was at his best, in his true vessel and Sam had still beaten him. But now Lucifer's simply a memory. The hunter was sure he could dispel the angel from his mind if only he were given the chance.

Through the darkness of his subconscious Sam finds himself in a sunny field, overgrown wheat reaching upto his knees. He looks down at his hand finding a black dog lead and collar, from closer inspection he sees small red bone shaped symbols etched into the fabric of the collar and lead.

He frowns in thought and from instinct alone brings two fingers to his mouth rests them beneath his tongue and blows. A loud whistling sounds from his mouth, then the sound of soft balled paws shift over the ground. A grin spreads across his face as a golden Labrador bounds towards him its flappy pink tongue waggling crazily. "Bones!" Sam called excitedly crouching down to ruffle and rub at the dog's ears. Bones barks happily before he leans forward his tongue lathering over Sam's face. "Thanks for the kisses." Sam laughs as he stands using the sleeve of his shirt to wipe away the slobber on his face.

Bones barks again and a stick appears at Sam's feet. Sam swoops down and collects it before waving it back and forth catching the lab's attention before he leans back and using all his strength throws the stick and grins happily as Bones races after it.

He misses the lab, wonders what happened to him. Sam wonders about a lot of people at times. What happened to Sarah Blake? Did she continue working at the art gallery or did she find another profession. Is she married now, does she have kids? He wonders about the people he hadn't managed to save. Are, they now in heaven or hell? Maybe they're in neither. Maybe their spirits, destined to travel the plane between life and death until a hunter comes along and removes them from existence entirely.

Sam frowns because Bones is a fast runner and he still isn't back.

The hunter hears Bones bark but it's not his usual happy bark. This one is short sharp and threatening, the noise followed by an angry primal growl.

"Bones?" Sam calls his voice uncertain.

Bone's growls again before something whips through the air, than a thick wet squelch sound reaches Sam's ears.

"Bones!" Sam shouts, cloudy puffs of air leaving his mouth, he suddenly wonders when it got cold. The chill bites at his skin and he drops the dog lead and collar. He starts running as the sky darkens his eyes darting around as he tries to locate the Labrador.

Sorry if it's a bit chilly. Most people think I burn hot. It's actually quite the opposite.

Sam's head flinches away against the words as he runs faster his heart mercilessly beating against his chest.

"Bones!"

Sam stops in the middle of the field, his breathing long and heavy. He looks around but all is dark. A wind picks up and the wheat surrounding him beats against his legs.

"Sam!" The word is whispered urgently, the voice a familiar one. He wants to ignore it but Sam finds himself whispering back.

"Lucifer."

A presence appears behind him, their form bringing a rush of cold and dark and wrong. The hunter spins around his eyes widening when he sees no other than Lucifer standing there and by his feet is a bloody and still dog. His dog.

"Bones!" Sam shouts his worry dulling his instinct as he kneels down to attend to the Labrador. This is Lucifer. He should be running away from him not bowing at his feet.

Sam's large hand shakes as it presses down over the dog's abdomen. It comes back covered in blood. He grits his teeth as he glares up at Lucifer.

"What did you to do him you son of a bitch!" Lucifer tsks as he shakes his head, almost like a teacher would reprimand their student. He kneels so he's able to lock his eyes with Sam's.

"Canines. Such foul creatures." Is all Lucifer says before he smiles and it's just as Sam remembers – cold, self assured, sociopathic.

Sam's about to reply but then a warmth appears to the left of him and then there's a hand on his shoulder. He looks over and see's Castiel.

"Cas-."

"Wake up Sam."

The angels frowning, his hold on Sam's shoulder minutely tightening as the hunter prepares himself to face Lucifer once again. He's so confused because this seems real, it feels real but Cas told him to wake up so he must be dreaming. With a hazy nod Sam complies. "Okay." He whispers. Then again this time with more clarity. "Okay."

Castiel nods and just like that, he's awake. Sam's eyes peel open and leaning against Bobby's desk is Cas.

"Hey." The hunter whispers his voice hoarse; he clears his throat before sitting up, his back pressed against the arm rest. "Thanks for that. I didn't realise I was dreaming." "I know." Cas replies his brows pinched together. "You mustn't let him taunt you like that Sam, we have no idea what is simply memory or reality when it comes to Lucifer. If you see him in your subconscious you have to wake up." Sam huffs. "You want me to run. Like a coward?"

Castiel exhales through his nostrils like having to explain this to Sam is a nuisance. "No I want you to consider your sanity and be aware that if anything happens to you then it affects those who care about you – Dean, Bobby." Sam waits for Castiel to say his own name but he doesn't and Sam briefly wonders if Castiel would miss him if anything were to happen to Sam.

Castiel's voice is forceful and reprimanding and it makes Sam stop and think. He thinks about what would happen to Dean if something happened to Sam. Would he find his way back to Lisa or would he consider making another crossroads deal?

Sam cares; he cares about what would happen to Dean and Bobby if something were to happen to him but sometimes Sam cares more about what would happen to the world. He feels as if he owes it so much seeing as he caused half of the bad that's happened to it. The only thing Sam doesn't seem to care about is himself. Talk about being a glutton for self sacrifice.

Sam stands and walks over to Castiel his bare feet padding over Bobby's laminate flooring. "I'm sorry...you're right." Sam says. "It's just." Sam sighs. "It's just that I beat the devil before why couldn't I do it again?" "That was entirely different this isn't just simply a test on yourself restraint. What you're talking about is opening yourself up to over a century's worth of torture which was inflicted upon your soul. You couldn't possibly handle that – no human can."

Sam's eyes search Castiel's and all he sees is honesty. Maybe Sam's expecting too much from himself. The hunter feels as if he should say more should ask more. Ask Castiel what the hell was so important about the weapons that he had to risk his and Dean's lives. Instead he leans down and brushes his lips over Castiel's.

"Can you stay?"

Castiel looks unsure for a moment.

"Not for long." He finally answers.

Sam makes his way to the kitchen and grabs a six pack from the fridge. When he enters the living room Castiel is sitting on the sofa, his trench coat and suit jacket placed neatly over the arm of it.

Sam hands him a beer watching as Cas mechanically opens it before he takes a seat next to the angel.

They drink in relative silence the only sound the quiet hollow pop of their lips connecting and disconnecting from the bottles tip.

"Something's bothering you." Castiel states, his eyes flicking to the side to look at Sam.

Sam looks reluctant to speak however once he opens his third beer he's more than willing.

"It's this past year. Dean keeps telling me to bury it to forget about it but I can't. I mean... the wall I get it that's bad I shouldn't scratch at it but that year I was soulless I did a lot of bad and I need...I need to make up for it."

Castiel shakes his head.

"Sam you have nothing to atone for. During the past year you weren't you. You were without your soul. You can't possibly blame yourself for something you had no control over."

"Yeah but now I have control and I have to do something. I've gotta make a difference."

Castiel leans forwards his spine curling as he places his beer on the floor. He turns his body into Sam's and waits for the hunter to look at him before he speaks.

"Sam you've been making a difference in this world since the day you were born. Without you millions of people would have died. You're a hero. "

Sam closes his eyes against the praise because he doesn't feel like a hero. That small glimpse of what he had done in Rhode Island was enough to make him lose sleep. He'd lied, he'd cheated, he'd betrayed.

"How can you still have so much faith in me after all I've done." Sam asks, his eyes still closed.

Castiel inches closer to Sam his body heat a welcoming presence.

"Because you're my friend." Castiel says quietly.

There's no need for words Sam's eyes say it all.

They drink more and more until the hunter's skin in tingling and his insides are warm.

He moves closer to Castiel until their shoulders are touching. He needs to feel Castiel close to him, to know he has the forgiveness and acceptance of an angel no matter what he's done. Castiel picks up on Sam's thoughts, it's pretty hard not to when Sam's thinking so loudly and so obsessively. His emotions are like a pendulum on overdrive, constantly gravitating towards two points – guilt and anger.

Castiel frowns because he wants to make it better but in all honesty isn't sure how he can.

"I too have things to atone for Sam. You are not the only one who has made mistakes so I want you to know you shouldn't feel the need to keep burdening yourself with all this guilt."

Sam snorts softly.

"What could you possibly have to atone for Cas?"

Castiel swallows and for a moment thinks this is it. He's let too much slip and Sam's going to become suspicious. Castiel stays silent and as a result Sam turns worried eyes onto him.

"Cas?"

The apprehensive look on Castiel's face makes Sam alert. He sits up properly as he clumsily places his beer bottle onto the tabletop beside the sofa.

"Hey what's up? You know you can tell me... is it the war?"

Castiel nods slowly, thankful for the olive branch Sam has given him. It is the war but only partly there's so much more to it. So much more Castiel has to atone for.

"I'm losing Sam. Retrieving the weapons was a small victory but Raphael gains more followers as the days pass and for the first time in a long time I don't know what to do."

Sam frowns worriedly at him and for a moment Castiel gives himself the luxury of pretending that it's just him and Sam in the world and if anything were to threaten them he could simply wish them away.

Sam places a hand on Castiel's thigh, the inside of his palm warm, strong and comforting.

"Cas we can work through this. Anything you need me and Dean can help."

"It's not your burden to bear." Castiel whispers.

"You're our friend."

Sam's frown deepens because at his words guilt builds in Castiel's eyes and the angel has nothing to feel guilty for. It's not his fault his plan isn't working out. None of this is Castiel's fault. Before Sam can ask him more Castiel sways forward and presses his lips against Sam's. He tastes of warmed beer and mint.

Without thinking about it Sam reacts, kisses Castiel back and rips at Castiel's clothes. Let's the angel push up against him, until he's straddling one of Sam's thighs and catching his nails on the hunters shirt and he pulls it up and over his head.

Sam shoves harshly at Castiel's abdomen, listens for the pushed out breath pass Castiel's lips as he falls back onto the sofa. Sam slots between his legs then it's a race as they pull and tear and open one another's clothes. Castiel's shirt is still hanging from one shoulder and Sam's pants are at mid thigh when he thrusts against the angel.

Castiel gasps sharply one hand gripping Sam's shoulder the other his ass. He pulls Sam against him at the same time thrusts up rubbing his erection against Sam's, their skin slowly dragging together. His movements are frantic and uncontrolled and so fucking good. But Sam wants to go slow wants to feel everything from the stickiness of Castiel's pre-come to the goose bumps that pepper Castiel's body. It takes all of Sam's self restraint to stop thrusting and reach his hands up to place them on Castiel's arms and hold him still.

"Hey, hey slow down." Sam pants.

Castiel shakes his head, his eyes clenched shut.

"No." The angel breathes as he pulls Sam towards him and encloses his legs around Sam's waist.

Sam's breath is hot and laboured against Castiel's cheek, his body sweaty beneath the angel's hands.

The hunter slides his arm beneath Castiel's back and presses up. Cas arches his back and moans as Sam's velvety soft tongue runs over his pink hardened nipples, a coil of arousal twisting inside his gut. Castiel gasps in his ear, punctured broken noises as his hand scratches down Sam's back the angel trying to find purchase in this over sensitized haze of pleasure.

He rolls them over abruptly sending them crashing to the floor and he knows it hurts Sam's back because the hunter winces but he doesn't give Sam time to think about it. Instead he lowers his head, making sure he lazily licks over Sam's hipbones before he stops at the brunette's erection.

He looks up at Sam, the Winchester's chest heaving with his unsteady breaths.

"You know all that noise would have woken Dean up." Sam states though he doesn't make any move to get dressed.

"I don't care."

And Castiel really doesn't.

(AN) Hi guys! So if you haven't guessed already this chapter is based on season 6 episode 15 – the French Mistake. Not all chapters will be based on episodes. I'm only planning to have like four more chapters and the ending of my story won't match the canon storyline because I like non god Cas . Anyway I hope you liked the chapter. Less porny route ... sort of. Please review and have an ammmazzinngg weekend!

Dolorous Doll x