Chapter 4. Paranoia.

It always took me 54 steps to get from my bed to the door. 54 slow wobbly steps. Every one dragged my foot over the tatami, first the right one, then a pause, balancing, then the left one.

My toes often bent under and I would occasionally trip over losing my balance and falling down. I would steady myself with my fingers against the floor and slowly get up, first onto one knee, then straightening it and pushing my body upwards. Like that.

I burnt my feet on the tatami when walking but anyway I got off the bed when I could move. At least for a short while.

"Where the fuck are you off to, Itachi?" the door opened just before I reached the opposite wall. 17 more steps and I would have been at the doors.

"Sasuke. You are awake."

You frowned, crossed the room towards me and put your arm around my back for support.

"Hmm...bathroom?" you asked,

"Yes" I looked at you with gratitude. Thank you, brother.

We made the steps together. This time it went much faster and easier.

"Come on then." you said. We walked of the room, along the wall and approached the bathroom.

"Will you manage now?" You opened the door and switched on the light letting me in.

"Thank you, Sasuke" I said and closed the door behind me.

I knew you would be standing leaning against the wall and waiting for me. You would ask several times if I was alright and when I would come out you would help me to walk back to my room and lay down.

Sasuke, your behaviour was full of contradictions. One minute you were a caring brother while the next one you hated me more than anything in the world.

I thought it was just another illusion, what had happened the other night (or was it a day?), when they were shooting urabon.

I thought it was my imagination and my sick mind to blame for that. Like those dreams, Sasuke, that I had been having ever since you brought me home.

When I opened my eyes the day after the urabon I couldn't smell the scent of the oil in the air, it had vanished completely, as if it had never even been there.

All the people and the filming equipment had been gone. Nothing betrayed that it had really taken place, except for the two small details.

I lifted myself up from the toilet seat, using the wall to the left from me as a helping aid. Then I closed the lid and flushed.

"Are you ready, Itachi? What's taking you so long?" I heard your voice from behind the doors followed by the knock when I didn't reply.

I made five steps towards the sink, and rested my hands on it, took a deep breath, keeping my gaze fixed on my hands. It could lose my balance at any moment and I didn't want that to occur now. When the moment passed I looked in front of me in the mirror.

Skinny, pale, cheekbones visible, black glowing eyes, my tangled hair with silver threads in it falling on my face.

Sasuke, you were right, I did look like a madman. I couldn't blame you for hating me.

I observed myself a second more. No, it was not that I had come here for. Not at all.

I smiled to myself and gathered my thoughts, made an effort to concentrate. Then I pulled up my t-shirt and looked at the reflection.

Yes, there it was, a violet bruised mark around the wound you made with the syringe. I could feel it, and now I saw it. This was not a dream.

"Itachi are you alright?" you asked again worriedly.

I touched the punctured skin. It was swollen with purple web of burst capillaries around. The medicine lumped up in a knot in there. Unpleasant, Sasuke. Very unpleasant.

I dropped the t-shirt down and rolled up my right sleeve. Yes, there was the second one, the blood mark. I touched it, my arm twitched by itself and I hit the mirror with my hand. It made a sound.

"Fuck, Itachi, open the door!" you tried the handle.

I smiled. Were you worried, brother? You shouldn't be. There was no reason for you to be worried about me.

I turned on the tap and cupped up some cold water in my hands, splashed my face with it.

The door opened. Yes, Sasuke. You had the key. To every room of every lockable door in this house. Our home. No, your home.

You glared at me. I could see your reflection in the mirror

"Why were you not answering? Huh, Itachi? "

I switched off the tap and wiped off my face with a towel hanging in the hook on the wall. It was light gray color. I turned my head and replied.

"I didn't hear you, Sasuke."

You put my arm over you shoulders.

"Come on. Let's get you back to bed. Are you hungry?" you asked as we moved back.

"I would gladly eat something. "

you smirked and didn't add anything more until we got into the room.

"I'll see what we have. Don't run off" you said when I was back in my bed.

No, I had nowhere to run off to, no wish and no strength, no intention whatsoever. You were the most important person in my life, Sasuke.

In spite of everything.

You left me in my room and went to the kitchen.

I looked at the clock on the eyes were fuzzy and couldn't see properly. What could it be now, 2? 3 P.M.? Later?

Still more than enough time until my injection. Sasuke, what would it be this time, which part of my body would you choose to stab?

Did you really hate me that much, brother?

I knew I had deserved it all. And even more. And I had accepted it as inevitable. As fair. As the only one possible. Both as a punishment and as treatment.

Was there any way possible to cure me now? Or would it just be injections one after the other until my body won't be able to take it anymore?

I started noticing it, Sasuke. My limbs. They were slowly losing their senses. These times when I was awake and capable of moving, I could hardly walk without your assistance.

My legs. They were getting paralyzed. I could feel it. But you knew this already, right, Sasuke? Maybe that was the reason why you had brought me home. Maybe you knew something I didn't.

Was it pity, Sasuke? Or was it revenge for the death of the two whom you called friends.

Sasuke. Your friends. I remember the look in their eyes, just an instant before they noticed me. Just an instant before they died.

Do you remember Sasuke? I hope not. I hope you managed to persuade your mind to forget what had happened that day.

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When you came back I was already half asleep. You woke me up, placing a tray with a plate of inarizushi across my stomach.

"Here, Itachi. Eat."

you left directly, not turning back or saying a single word more.

I ate, Sasuke. Thank you.

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"Sasuke, can I please talk to you for a minute?" I asked you ,when you headed towards the door after you had picked up the empty dish with the tray from me. I had to know.

You stopped annoyed and turned to me.

"I hope it is something important, Itachi? Can't it wait? I'm in a hurry."

I sighed.

"Yes. It is important. But it can wait of course. This is about my injections" I said.

"It's not time yet."

"I know, Sasuke. It's something else."

"Oh."

You stood for a moment considering, then turned back and sat in the sofa opposite me, having placed the dishes on the table in front , then you put one leg across the other and glared, your hands crossed on your chest.

"You better be quick " you said.

Now how can one exactly formulate that? Hmm..

"Sasuke, are you trying to kill me slowly?"

You stared at me then burst into laughter.

"Haha! Me, kill you? Why would you say that, Itachi? I'm your brother, I took you out from that hospital to take care of you. Kill you, what a sane idea?!.."

No, you were not attempting to kill me, maybe just to torture then?

"I see. I must have been mistaken. Forgive me, Sasuke. I know I am a burden for you"

you stood up.

"And a damn burden too you are, Itachi. But that's what brothers do." you replied.

I pulled the duvet that was covering my upper body off me.

"Sasuke. There is something between my ribs from the right side. I can't really see what it is and it's bothering me. Would you mind having a look please. I might have hurt myself in my sleep."

I told you and watched your face turn pale as you hesitantly walked up to my bed and stood above me, looking at the mark.

Slowly a genuine smile split your face and you lowered to me, looked me in my eyes as you hissed. Yes, Sasuke, you hissed at me, with a venom and hatred in your voice.

"There is nothing there, Itachi. You are paranoid".

I felt instantly your knuckles dig into exactly that very spot between my ribs and you wobbled your fist over the medicine knot, enjoying the expression on my face.

"Here? A, Itachi? Are you sure? Because I can't see anything wrong with this. Must be your sick mind playing tricks on you again, brother."

you pressed harder around the lump, rolling it under my skin. I felt beads of sweat gather on top of my upper lip and on my forehead.

Abruptly you put your fingers around my throat and squeezed it, staring in my eyes. Sasuke, such a hatred was in them. Such pure hatred towards me.

"You listen now and listen good, Itachi. I have been a good brother to you, caring and everything after what you have done to me. Stick your fucking nose into my life once more and your life will end. Just because you are my brother I let you live. But it's not gonna be rainbows and unicorns. You have taken all I had from me and you are going to pay for it, whether you want it or not."

You had let go of my throat, making sure I wouldn't pass out before you had said it all.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke" I said to you, when my coughing stopped.

You smirked.

"I bet you are. A little late for that, isn't it, Itachi?"

You turned to leave and walked up to the doors when I called again

"Sasuke. Aren't you afraid?" I asked.

You froze still.I saw you were clutching your fists, but you didn't turn back and left slamming the door behind you.

Yes, Sasuke. You were afraid. I could feel that. That's why you needed the medicine, to make sure you wouldn't have to answer for your actions.

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"Do you want me, Itachi? Do you? Do you want me?"

"No, Sasuke. You are in the opposite team, it will be unfair if I had to pick my own brother to the team where I am the captain"

a pout.

"Why?"

I ruffled your spiky black hair. For a 9 year-old you were still so cute and naive, brother!

"Because then they will definately loose! Only an Uchiha can beat an Uchiha, Sasuke!"

you laughed and ran onto the opposite side of the field, a football in your hands.

"We're gonna win this time for sure, Itachi!"you screamed from far away.

"I know, Sasuke!" I laughed back.

Your team didn't win, but nothing of it mattered. It was our childhood, Sasuke. Our happy childhood.

"Itachi- nii, shall we play football tomorrow too?"

we were on the way home after the match, the whole group of kids, picked up by their parents or older siblings. All happily smiling, laughing. All friends.

"Sasuke, let's kick your brother's butt tomorrow?" two older boys from your team, the Nishikawa brothers, bumped fists with you.

"Yea, sure! Itachi 's gonna get beaten! And his team will have to garden the whole school yard this time!"

"Dream on!" a low voice of on the older siblings of the Okumura."They never lose. They have Itachi!"

your other teammate Saburo cut in.

"Unfair! Itachi shouldn't be playing at all! He is older ."

I smiled

"You have two brothers in your team who are even older than me, Saburo."

he reddened in his face and pouted, looking at his siblings who were glaring daggers.

"Yeah, but they are useless. And Itachi is good."

He deserved a playful punch in his ribs from the both and we all laughed.

"Until tomorrow, Itachi-san. Otsukaresama deshita!"

"Otsukare sama, Saburo-kun, Tadashi-san, Takuma-san".

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I was sixteen, Sasuke when our parents died. Both on the same day. There was no mystery about it. There was a storm, they were caught in the middle of it while travelling by car. Many people went missing, numerous victims of storm were found the next day.

In the morning a police officer came home to us to announce that they had found the bodies of our mother and father, burnt in a destroyed vehicle. They said the car had hit a tree on high speed then it exploded. They died fast and painlessly.

Sasuke, you didn't even cry. I remember the look in your eyes when you heard it. You jumped up happily and clapped your hands.

"At last! " you said and ran into your room, singing.

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"Go and fuck yourself, Itachi! You are not my mamma to tell me what to do and what not."

You giggled showing off in front of your half-drunk, half-drug effected company who were sitting partying in your room together with you.

"Sasuke. I will not tolerate this substance in our home. Stop with this or I'll have to take actions."

the lot of you laughed.

You sucked in the white thick smoke from the waterpipe, held it in, supressing a cough and passing the pipe to the next one , the girl sitting next to you, along with the whole gang in half a circle, waiting for their turn.

When you blew out the white stream in my direction, I covered my face. You pronounced quietly from half lidded eyes, smiling wide and tracing your finger down your chin, neck, down you torso.

"Itachi. You know you are so sexy now. Oh Itachi, you would love this body, right?" you threw your head backwards and giggled.

And everybody laughed again. Your friend who was dragging in the smoke, coughed and passed the pipe further.

I walked out f the room and closed the door.

Sasuke, 17 you were. What were you thinking?

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"I don't have to take this from you, Itachi. Fuck off!"

It was the same year, several months later. I had aranged a job for you in my company with my friend as your tutor. He would teach you about the market. About stocks.

Sasuke, you showed up only once and left a rather lousy impression about yourself, chatting with female personell at their desks and generally disturbing everybody's work. You were completely ignoring Ottawa-san, who was trying his best to explain you the order of things. You were simply manerless, Sasuke, and rude. You made me utterly ashamed for your behaviour and it took me hours to persuade Ottawa to give you another chance. Instead of seizing this opportunity and coming to work as appointed you were deliberately ignoring all my phonecalls until in the end at lunch time I got a minute to get home.

I found you laying at home in bed, badly smelling of alcohol fumes and God knows what more.

You were sleeping after one more drunken party the night before.

"Sasuke, I can't keep searching for excuses in your place. This job was not easy to arrange. You should have at least called and notified that you would not be coming to work"

You rolled on the other side and just before you covered your head over with a pillow you screamed on top of your lungs..

"Itachi! FUCK OFF!"

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"I love her, Itachi"

I was sitting with my yearly report. It was late at night. You lowered to me and removed the bunch of papers from the cushion beside me, put them on the table in an acurate pile, then sat down and pronounced.

"Itachi, listen to me."

I sighed. There was nothing to discuss.

"Sasuke, no. This talk is finished"

You threw the bunch of documents from the neat pile up in the air and they scattered all over the floor. I had to hand in those papers to my administration, the next day, Sasuke.

"Why the fuck do you have to interfer, Itachi?!"

You took a handful and tore the documents apart, took another one, did the same.

I got up on my feet and caught your hands.

"Sasuke. She is a minor. You can't marry her. She should have an abortion. This is my last word."

"Fuck you, Itachi! I don't need your fucking permission!"

"Yes, Sasuke. You do. Before you are 20 you need my concent in order to get married and she needs the permission of her parents. If they will find out, you know what happens next. You will go to prison, Sasuke."

You covered your face with your hands and lowered on the coushion. Defeated.

"Fuck! What am I to do now? Huh?"

I put an arm around your shoulder.

"Do you really love her, Sasuke?"

You threw my arm off and looked up on me. First you stared at me silently then your tone and expression had changed completely.

"What do you fucking think, Itachi? I don't fucking want to jail because of a little whore!"

you laughed.

Forgive me brother, but we did not have anything more to discuss. I turned around and left. I didn't have much time to recover those documents that you had destroyed.

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"Work your hand, Itachi"

Was it the time for my meds? I must have drifted off.

"Sasuke".

You smirked charging the syringe. You were sitting on my bed, next to me.

"Lean backwards, Itachi. This is going to hurt" you said to me, slightly pushing my head in the pillows.

You pressed out a drop or two and I watched a golden tiny fountain spray from the needle onto the tatami..

I smiled.

"Do you hate me that much, Sasuke?"

You looked me in my eyes, still holding my head with your free hand.

"You have no fucking idea." you said and stuck the needle in my neck next to the artery.

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N/A:

Hello, my sweet ones. Thank you for readng. Sorry for the delay in update. Every time I promise to be on time, I get something coming up and as a result- updated later. This time it was Cold that I haven't recovered from completely yet.

I hope this chapter won't leave you indifferent and it will cast a bit more light on the Itachi Sasuke relationship. As Always, -I'm all ears what you have to say. Thank you all for reviewing. You have no idea how much it means to me.

My last thank you is to my beta, the sweetest creature of all as she managed to go through the trouble of correcting my writing in such a short time (I LOVE YOU, Senpai,you know it.)

Yes, a small clarification:

inarizushi is a type of sushi

Otsukaresama deshita- that's what one says in Japan in the end of the working day or after the training.

well, that's about it...Love. Mainki