It's been two months since the incident.
Bilbo still wake up with nightmares at night. And I, of course, I'm always there to hold him in my arms. I run my hands through his hair and sing a song for him. That same song every night. I remember of singing this song in our wedding. It was humiliating, I laugh whenever I remember the scene. But it was for him and that is enough. And now is the only thing that seems to calm him.
I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words to such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
I always feel his little hands grabbing my shirt stronger, as if he wanted to make sure I was still there. That I was still his. That he still had something. It breaks my heart to see him like that. Since we lost our little prince, Bilbo thinks he might lose me too at any moment, and I can't understand why he thinks that. Or maybe I can, because sometimes I have the same feeling, but I always pull away those feelings, because I need to be strong for my little one.
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours
And when I finish the song and look down, my little angel is already sleeping and this somehow brings me peace. I held his tiny wrist and saw that some marks is still there. I sighed and put a kiss on his forehead.
Those marks reminded me of a scene that I hope to forget someday.
- Bilbo? Honey? You're home? - I asked as I walked through the door.
I was out with Kili and Fili to buy a gift for Bilbo because I wanted to do something different for him. Dunno, try to make him a smile a little. I asked the boys to go with me because they always know the best gifts to give and they immediately accepted.
I didn't heard any response and found it strange. So I decided to go to our room, maybe he was already sleeping.
When I was going up the stairs, I heard a strange noise, as if something had been broken. My body froze. I ran at upstairs.
I get to our room and called his name again. No answer again. So I realized that the bathroom door was closed.
- Bilbo? Love? Are you in there? - I asked.
The only answer I received was a groan. A groan of pain before I heard something like a glass falling in the floor.
- Bilbo! Bilbo open the door, NOW! - I said knocking on the door loudly. - Damn! Open now! Bilbo, I swear to God, if you are.. - I did not finish the sentence, not wanting to even believe in what passed through my mind.
Suddenly the door opened and I realized my husband was in my arms. His face full of tears. But the worse: his arm was all in blood. When I looked into the bathroom, I saw broken glass (probably the mirror) and blood stains.
- No, no .. - I said as I pressed him on me. - Why you did this, love? Why?
- I'm sorry .. I'm sorry, Thorin. - He said crying.
I took care of his wounds, changed his clothes soiled with blood and put him on bed. I hugged him and ran my hand through his hair and his face until he fell asleep. It was painful that even sleeping, he was still sobbing.
We would need to talk about it tomorrow.
But no, we did not talk about it. I am so coward. I didn't want to force him to talk about that, but I knew I needed. It had been a week since the incident with the cuts, and now I never leave him alone.
I know It was being hard for him, but .. But it was hard for me too. But I had to stay strong. For him. Even though I'm totally broken inside because I lost my child and I have to see my husband destroying himself more every day. But the worst .. The worst thing was not being able to do absolutely anything. As much as I tried. Bilbo's pain seemed to never go.
And neither mine.