Episode 11: Squirrelfight
Hi guys, ready for another episode? Just a note: I got a complaint that this story was in story style. But it's really in theatre style, which is different. Also, this episode, like many Total Drama episodes before and likely after, has both vomit and vomiting. If you're a viewer who's particularly squeamish, you might just want to skip the second part of the challenge. I've also reached 80,000 words and 1,800 views! (So close to two thousand!) Please read and review, and remember I don't own or claim to own Total Drama and its assorted characters, nor do I make any profit from this fan fiction. Also, this is both the longest episode to date and my favorite of all the eleven.
(Camera shows Chris standing on the Dock of Shame)
Chris: Yeah. I hate recaps. See, the producers make me say constantly longer and longer ones. And then I run out of breath. When I run out of breath, I get nauseous. And then as soon as the recap's over, I feel the need to lean over the Dock of Shame and, er, regurgitate. It's disgusting! So, I won't be talking much today. Yep, I'm gonna give the shortest recap ever. Ever! Here goes nothin'. Last time on total Drama The Island Reborn, Dawn was dumb and got tricked. Everyone else was mean and abandoned my show! Yeah, they rescued her, unfortunately, and then they came back and begged me to rejoin Total Drama. Uh-huh. If you don't believe me, just watch the episode. Actually, how about skipping the last episode, 'kay? Thanks. Now, I finished the whole recap without running out of breath, and getting nauseous, and, you know. On second thought, gotta go.
(He falls over and vomits)
(Theme song plays. It shows the camera sweeping past the dock, where Chris waves at it. Chef smiles at it, then gulps as it comes nearer to him, and smacks him in the face. After he disappears the camera zooms up the cliff, where it shows a squirrel punching Zeke in the face. As the camera "falls" off the cliff so does Zeke. Hitting the water, bubbles cover the screen. When they clear, Izzy is swimming away from a shark, only to turn around and bite the shark back. Above the water, Noah is sitting in a boat, reading his trademark book, when Zeke lands on him. Right after the moment of impact, the camera zooms to the forest, where Mike is petting a raccoon. The raccoon bites his finger, causing him to wince in pain, inhale deeply, then scream at the raccoon. The camera zooms to the waterfall, where Annette is singing on top of a log that goes over the waterfall. At the bottom, Dawn is sitting cross-legged on a beam of wood going across a small lake, looking very peaceful. Suddenly, Annette flies past her and her mouth falls open. The camera moves to the outhouse confessional, where a bear is knocking on the door. Blake sticks his head out, screams, and then ducks back in. Chef's kitchen is then seen, with a small television in the background upon which Courtney and Cody can be seen. Lightning is dumping protein powder into his mouth, and then fist-pumps, while Heather is tied to a chair, being force-fed Chef Hatchet's special soup by Chef himself. The camera moves outside to the campfire pit, where Owen is holding and rocking back and forth giggling. Staci is seen on the dock, blabbing on while reading from a gigantic stack of papers. The camera shifts a little, showing Chris on the other side of the dock, covering his ears and yelling. He runs around and falls into the water. When he surfaces, in classic cartoon style, his head steams over in anger, causing a fire. The camera follows the fire embers up, and then back down, revealing the campfire. Zoey is sitting in front of it, looking nervous, before her eyebrows scrunch up and she gives an evil grin, only to look around when she sees Zeke and Mike sitting on either side of her. The camera pans out to show all 13 contestants sitting on stools around the campfire, as Chris stands nearby and grins at the camera. A wooden sign is seen, where neon letters light up, saying TOTAL DRAMA THE ISLAND REBORN)
(Scene shows the contestants lining up in front of the boathouse, where they eat meals ever since Commando Zoey blew up the dining hall. They're waiting for Chef to unlock the door and let them in for breakfast)
Blake: Where is Chef? We've been waiting here an hour.
Staci: Yah, well, he should open the door soon.
Noah: Don't get your hopes up. He's probably sitting in front of the old cable, watching My Little Pony.
Ezekiel: Ooh, I love that show. Eh Chef, lemme in!
(He knocks on the door, but nothing happens)
Dawn: I don't think that will work. Chef's aura hasn't been very friendly lately.
Lightning: Sha-yeah! What's an aura?
Annette: It's a type of bug.
Lightning: Sha-ew! Lightning's gonna squish that buggie!
Izzy: Cheffy may think he can keep us out, but he's about to be proved wrong. Izzy's hungry!
(She throws her shoulder at the door in an attempt to break it down, but Chef opens the door at the same exact moment and Izzy crashes into him. The two roll into the water. A minute later Izzy jumps out the window and an angry Chef comes out the door)
Chef: No breakfast for y'all today, maggots. Chris took a trip to the US of A. He's sittin' on a couch while some weirdo psychiatrist takes notes.
Annette: Why's he need psychiatric help?
Chef: Apparently y'all goofballs made him give too long a recap, and you know what happens when he gives too long a recap? Well, I'll tell you this, it ain't pretty.
Noah: Chris does need psychiatric help, but that's not the reason why.
Staci: Is today a free day, then?
Chef: Hah, the only free days on Total Drama are when we take free days. But no, chattersmatter who I forgot the name of, today is gonna be full of challenges. Specifically: Chef Challenges.
Blake: I don't like the sound of that.
Chef: You won't like ta feel of it either, 'cause it feels like pain!
Noah: Perfect.
Chef: Shut up egghead! Now all of ya, move your scrawny legs and follow me!
(He walks off, and the contestants reluctantly follow him)
Static
Lightning: There's gonna be pain? Yah! Sha-lightning!
Static
Noah: This can't end well.
Static
Staci: I've got a problem here. You see, I'm not exactly the best at challenges, and I don't even want to know what would happen to me in a Chef Challenge. By the way, my great-grandfather Snot invented challenges. Before him, people had only easy things to do.
Static
Annette: Yes! A challenge! This'll only be the second one I get to try with my illegal alliance with Chris. I'm sure to win!
Static
(A random clearing in the forest is shown. In the field is a large elevated platform, a wooden table with plates set on it, a tank of crocodiles, a brook, and three different colored biplanes, among other things)
Chef: Alright, teenage wimps, this is the site of the Chef challenges. Why are they called the Chef Challenges? 'Cause they're like me. TOUGH.
Noah: Tough like My Little Pony?
Chef: [threateningly] What'd you say?
Noah: Uh, nothing.
Chef: And you will continue to say nothin', 'cause when people say somethin', or everything, or even anything, I start gettin' annoyed. And you don't want me gettin' annoyed.
Blake: Yes sir. I mean, nothing.
Chef: That's better. Now, there are five challenges to the Chef Challenges. The winner or winning team of each challenge earns their team a point. The team with the least points goes ta elimination at the end o' the day. Seem simple enough?
(Everyone nods)
Chef: Well it's not! See, the problem with three teams is you guys get the wimpy-dimpy attitude that second place is good enough. So I'm gonna give you guys a little incentives. Third place goes to elimination. First place? Everybody on the team gets an all-you-can-eat buffet. With food that is almost as awesome as mine.
Annette: Oh, I just realized why there're always food prizes! 'Cause Chef's food is so bad normally! And….
(She trails off as Chef glares at her)
Chef: Now, second place is almost gonna get the worst deal. Whoever wimps out and gets second will have to clear out the remains of first place's buffet, without eating any, mind you, then scrub the boat house squeaky clean and recite poetry from my favorite poet to me.
Blake: Who's your favorite poet?
Chef: Dr. Seuss. Don't judge me or I'll throw you out a window.
(Somebody's phone starts ringing)
Chef: Oh, that'd be mine. [putting the phone up to his ear] Hello? ... Chris ….. Hi ….. Yeah …. How goes the psychiatrist? ... Good, good …. What'cha say? ... Illegal alliance? ... With who? ... Alright …. Perfect …. Got it …. Uh huh …. Yep …. Will do. Bye.
(He hangs up and notices everyone staring)
Chef: What?
Noah: 'Illegal alliance'?
Chef: My business is my business. Now follow me, you lazy dunderheads!
(Again, he walks off, with all eight of them hesitantly following behind)
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
(Scene is somewhere in the forest. Towering far far above Chef and the contestants is a gigantic pine tree, more than twice as tall as any of the surrounding giants)
Chef: Time for the first part of the Chef Challenges. You see that tree?
Ezekiel: It's so big, I can't see anything but it, eh.
Chef: Exactly. Now, the challenge is to climb it.
Lightning: How far up?
Chef: To the top. No highest stable branch crap here. You better be standing on your ballerina feet at the tippity-top o' the tree when I say go. Like the summit of a freakin' mountain! Now- - -
Noah: Wait a second. This tree is at least 700 feet tall, and there are no branches for the first forty feet. The branches that there are are all brittle and there are huge gaps between them. Also, they start getting too thin to climb on at least one hundred feet away from the top, not to mention the pine needles on this type of tree are extremely sharp.
Chef: Suck it up, soldier! This ain't no contest for wimps! Now climb, dummies, climb!
(Noah crosses his arms and refuses to move, but most of the other contestants at least give it a try. Lightning is the only one who's able to wrap his arms and legs around the tree and start shuffling up. Izzy takes out a tube of super glue, squirts it all over her shoes, then walks up the tree trunk vertically as if using suction cups)
Chef: Oh, forget to mention, Annette gets this trampoline.
(He pulls out a trampoline from behind his back and throws it onto the ground. Annette tentatively steps on, and it immediately shoots her far enough in the air for her to grab the first branch)
Noah: How come she gets a trampoline?
Chef: Uh, no reason.
Noah: It's because of that 'illegal alliance', isn't it?
Chef: Note to self: never talk on the phone in front of a genius. Now get climbin'!
Static
Noah: How come I never get an illegal alliance? I would be great in one!
Static
(Back to the tree. Annette is a few branches farther up, while Lightning and Izzy are more than half-way to the peak, each climbing furiously. On the ground, Blake is still trying to get to the first branch, but most of the others have given up)
Ezekiel: Hang on, I got an idea, eh.
(He runs over to the tree)
Ezekiel: Soomebody kick me in the behind!
Noah: I'll pass.
Staci: I'll second that.
Blake: Hear hear.
Ezekiel: Whelp, I'll just doo it myself then, eh.
(He swings his leg backwards in a way it should not bend and kicks himself in the rear end, illogically propelling him into the sky, where he shoots far above the top of the tree. He then zig-zags back and forth in midair, teleports back and forth between two points, then falls back down and crashes, leaving a Zeke-shaped hole in the ground)
Chef: And you fail.
Noah: I believe he just broke all three of Newton's laws.
Ezekiel: [climbing out of the hole] I also joost broke my neck.
(He collapses)
Staci: [concerned] Are you going to take him to the infirmary?
Chef: Hmm, let me think about it. NO!
(Near the top of the tree, Lightning continues to climb, although the branches have grown treacherously small. He hasn't seen Izzy for awhile, and just when he thinks she's given up, she jumps on top of him)
Izzy: KAPOW! Bet'cha didn't see that one coming! I hope you like to fall.
(Before Lightning has any time to react, she grabs a saw out of midair and saws through all four of the branches he's clinging too)
Lightning: Sha-aw phooey.
(He falls down the couple hundred feet, making a Lightning-shaped hole on top of the Zeke-shaped hole)
Izzy: And now, I am going to win!
(She climbs up the tree and shimmies up the very last thin part, only to find Dawn sitting cross-legged on the top, with her eyes closed, meditating)
Izzy: What the….
(She trails off, and Dawn opens her eyes and notices her)
Dawn: Oh, are you trying to get up here? Sorry. I'll move.
(She stands up and levitates slowly back to the ground. Izzy canes her neck to look and loses her balance, falling down and creating yet another hole, this one Izzy-shaped)
Chef: And Dawn wins. That's one point for the Psycho Psychos. Moving on! Our second Chef Challenge is gonna be pretty fun….for me, that is. Now jog back to that clearing 'fore I go psycho and attack y'all with a chainsaw.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
(Scene is back to the clearing, where the contestants are seated around the wooden table. Chef is in front of them, barking instructions)
Chef: Listen up, 'cause I'm only gonna say this a whole bunch of times!
Noah: Once will do.
Chef: Fine then, we'll see if your tiny brains can handle just one single time.
Staci: Yah, tiny brains? You should see who's talking.
Chef: Shut up teenager!
Noah: Is 'teenager' the best insult you can think of?
Chef: If you guys only knew what teenagers looked like to the rest of us normal human beans- - -
Noah: Human beings.
(Chef growls at him)
Chef: Anyway, you'd realize it's a pretty bad insult, you lazy bunch of teenagers!
Izzy: Actually, I'm twenty!
Annette: You're twenty?
Noah: She is, and so am I. We all got roped into this when we were 16, though, same age as you are now. It's been four long years of torture. Take my advice and drop out early.
Ezekiel: I wonder how old I am, eh. Let's see, I woos Gollum for a while, and he's aboot 550, a'yup, so that'd make me….three.
Noah: Zeke, the only thing three-years-old about you is your mentatility.
Ezekiel: Thanks, eh!
Chef: Shut it! We gotta get the Chef Challenges in. This is only a half hour program slash thirty-four page fan fiction story.
Annette: What's fan fiction?
Chef: Never you mind, ya annoying teenager. This Chef Challenge is gonna be fun. Y'all remember the classic coupla challenges back in the golden days of TD where y'all ate something disgusting and tried not to barf. Well, this is like that.
Blake: Um, I'm not allowed to eat food that could potentially by unsanitary, so can I, just, skip this one?
Chef: Yeah you can, but ya may not. Ha ha, y'all woulda never guessed that your old Chef was a grammar fanatic, huh?
Dawn: Then why do you always use double negatives?
Chef: 'Cause it sounds better. Now let me do the talkin', your voices are too whiny for TV. So, before we get this challenge on the road, here's a little warm-up round.
(He takes out a water gun filled with his extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-extra- extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-etc. soup, and starts spraying it at the contestants' mouths, leaving all of them gagging and longing for a glass of water)
Chef: Now that that's over with, the real thing can begin. There'll be three rounds; an appetizer, the main course, and then dessert. To pass the first two rounds, ya gotta clean your plate o' every last drop. Not only can y'all not vomit, ya also can't gag, retch, belch, just plain look disgusted, or go ten seconds without taking a bite. In the third round, whoever finishes first keepin' all the above rules wins. Now for Round One. Presenting your appetizer, La Vomit on a Plate.
(Several interns, Frederic among them, walk up and lay out seven plates covered in disgusting vomit. The last plate, Annette's, has instead just a serving of ravioli)
Blake: We're supposed to eat this? Where'd you even get it?
Chef: In the past four seasons, whenever a camper decided it was time to chuck up their lunch, if ya know what I mean, we were saving it off-camera. And now it's sittin' on yer plates. You could call it the Total Drama Barf Collection, if you will. Now dig in!
(Blake vomits immediately, and most of the others refuse to eat. Izzy obviously thoroughly enjoys it, while Annette has no problem eating her ravioli. Ezekiel tries a couple bites and then faints, while Dawn, Noah, and Staci refuse to touch it)
Staci: Hey Lighting, there might be protein in this.
Lightning: Really? Sha-bam!
(He lifts up his plate and dumps it all into his mouth, promptly swallowing. Meanwhile, Ezekiel has come to and is forcing himself to finish his plate. He barely gets it all in before Chef calls out)
Chef: Time's up! Looks like the retarded kid with the blue hat, my psycho arch-nemesis, the girl with the world's worst singing voice, and sports jockey will be movin' on. Time for Round Two. Y'all be eatin' dinosaur meat.
(Interns again bring in plates, this time only four. On three of the plates are a thick slice of dark red, tough-looking meat, covered with green scales on the top. Annette, however, has a T-Bone steak)
Staci: Dinosaur meat? Did you take that from great-great-great-uncle Stupid von Merkel?
Chef: No, he's all bones, stupid. Remember? One o' our interns got this off some island near Costa Rica a while ago. Isla Nubar or somethin'. But don't you worry about that. Just eat it!
Static
Ezekiel: Bein' the Total Drama guy who always points oout when there's a reference or soomethin', I'd just like to say that even I got that one. Actually, I didn't. Can you explain it to me, eh?
Static
Izzy: I wonder what dinosaur it came from. Stupidasaurus, maybe?
Static
Dawn: [sincerely] Oh, I feel so sorry for poor them! The dinosaurs, that is.
Static
(Back to the challenge. Blake, Noah, Staci, and Dawn watch as the three with the real dinosaur meat try to cut it. But it's far too tough for them, and the metal knifes all shatter against the scales. Annette finishes her T-Bone before any of them have even made a dent)
Ezekiel: This is impossible, eh!
Izzy: Not for Izzy it isn't!
(Giving up trying to cut it, she picks up the whole huge slab and drops it into her mouth. Her neck expands as she swallows it, and Zeke and Lightning both throw up)
Chef: That ends that! Now for the final round. Metal pudding! With an extra special bit of rusty metal on top.
(Izzy is served a bowl of bolts, screws, washers, robot parts, pieces of an old crane, and tons of other metal junk. On the top, where whipped cream would be on a normal pudding, is a small pile of rusty nails. Annette has a normal dish again, this time simply chocolate pudding. As soon as Chef gives the word, she quickly finishes it, far ahead of Izzy, who could only fit so much metal in her mouth at once)
Chef: And now we've got the Psychos and Crazies tied with one point each, Team Izzy still love.
Dawn: Love who?
Ezekiel: Love you!
Dawn: Excuse me?
Ezekiel: Nothin'.
Chef: Nothing is right. Love is a tennis term, maggots. It means no points. Nothin'.
Blake: Question. If we're only allowed to say nothing, and love means nothing, can we say love too?
Chef: No, but what you can say is, shut your face!
Blake: Okay. Shut your face.
Chef: No, I mean, shut your face, teenager!
Blake: Alright, sir!
(He tries to salute Chef but ends up hitting the cook in the head with his hand)
Chef: OW! You dummies are really getting on my nerves today. So, it's time for the next Chef Challenge, which will also be my perfect revenge, as I can tell ya this: it ain't gonna be pretty. See that little brook goin' across this field? Everybody go stand in it.
(After a bit of hesitation, everyone wades into the brook, getting their shoes soaked)
Chef: Okay, now it's time for the third Chef Challenge: Crocodile Wrestling! Interns, let those alligators out o' that cage!
Frederic: Like Cheffie, there's no gator homies in this rad, like, tank.
Random Intern: I think he means to let out the crocs.
Frederic: Like, like, I knew that homie, I was like, just, like, testing you, yo.
(The intern rolls his eyes and opens the cage door. The water flows out and seven crocodiles swim out, each swimming to a contestant. Frederic takes out a toy stuffed croc and throws it at Annette)
Static
Noah: At this point, it's pretty obvious who Chris has an illegal alliance with. He might've wanted to keep it secret, but as that jerk Heather said awhile ago, 'Chef's a super-secret idiot'.
Static
Annette: I know, I know, it seems dumb to go trying to cheat, sort of, at this game when I'm not even in it to win it. But I thought of something that day, long long ago, two episodes ago. If I have a million bucks myself, I could start my own music studio! I wouldn't need to get hired or chosen or whatever. So now, I'm gonna win. I will win! I fell in a trash bin!
Static
(Back to the croc wrestling)
Chef: Now, winnin' this is pretty dang simple. Just pin down your gator for two seconds and don't get your throat slit. Y'all can begin.
(Annette should have easily won, but she slips and the toy gator falls on top of her. Dawn quickly starts chatting with her croc and then invites it over to have tea sometime. Blake and Noah both run away from their 'odiles as the hungry crocs pursue them. Zeke's reptile is acting like the Hulk, and swinging him back and forth over his head, smacking him into the ground. The only people having any success whatsoever at the challenge are Izzy and Lightning. Izzy is consistently dodging the croc, who is quickly tiring out, while Lightning is trying to force his croc to fall over and get pinned)
Lightning: Sha-bam!
(Lightning finally gets his croc pinned, but before the two seconds is up, the clever reptile smacks him in the back of the head with its tail, knocking him out. The croc then picks up Lightning in his jaws and throws him away. One crocodile wrestling match to the left, Izzy is slowly being overpowered. As the croc forces her to the ground, Zeke's 'odile accidentally lets go of him and he flies through the air, knocking over Izzy's crocodile and giving her the opportunity to pin it)
Izzy: Yes!
Chef: And that's a victory for Team Izzy. Now, all the teams of stupid teen teams have one point.
Static
Izzy: Yeah! Go Izzy!
Static
Dawn: I fear Izzy may be taking the path of Commando Zoey as she resorts to more and more violent techniques to win the challenges. Either that, or she's just crazy. Now if you'll pardon me for a second, I have to go meet that friendly crocodile for tea.
Static
(It's several hours later, and the contestants are just loitering around the clearing after lunch at the boathouse. Chef was due to start the next challenge two hours ago, but he's apparently not a very punctual person)
Noah: Where is Chef? Again?!
Ezekiel: I doon't think he can tell time, eh.
Noah: Well, neither can you.
Ezekiel: True, eh, true.
Blake: I think he's taking so long on purpose.
Noah: Chef doesn't do anything on purpose. If he actually does something right, it's just a lucky accident.
(At that moment, Chef stomps in out of the woods)
Chef: Were you maggots talkin' about me behind my back again?
Noah: No.
Blake: Definitely not.
Ezekiel: A'yup, eh!
Chef: Very funny. But I'll deal with you later. Right now, we have to start the fourth Chef Challenge!
Noah: What is it now? Drinking a sewer?
Chef: No, but I'll keep that suggestion in mind for later. The fourth Chef Challenge is the epicest sword-fighting battle of all time!
Annette: We already did sword-fighting. In the very first episode, remember?
Chef: Oh, right. Well, this time's better! This is how it's gonna work. You see that podium over there? Two of ya are gonna stand there and sword-fight until one of ya falls off. The person who stays on wins and goes to the next round. In the final match, the winner gets a point for their team. Now, we'll be startin' with Annette versus Blake. Oh yeah, and whoever faces Annette has to use a plastic sword.
Noah: [semi-sarcastically] If I may ask, oh noble and wise Chef, me asks why the lady doth only face an opponent with a Sword de Plastica?
Chef: 'Cause I said so. Now begin!
(He tosses a plastic sword to Blake, and a real knight's sword to Annette, which she barely manages to catch without chopping herself in two. The two scramble up onto the platform and face each other)
Annette: So, how about them Yankees?
Blake: I'm not allowed to watch professional baseball.
Annette: Alright then.
(She takes a swing at Blake, and he jumps back in fear, falling straight off the platform, and landing with a thump)
Chef: That was quick. Annette will be movin' on to Round Two. Now, it's time for Dawn versus Izzy.
(Dawn takes her sword with what seems to almost be regret, while Izzy can't wait to get started and nearly decapitates Chef with her wild swinging. As the two jump onto the platform, Izzy takes a running start and swings at empty air where Dawn had been. She looks all around and doesn't see her. Dawn has somehow teleported and is standing lightly on top of her head. After a while, she leans down in front of Izzy's face)
Dawn: Boo.
Izzy: AAAAH!
(Izzy is so startled that she jumps straight off the platform, landing on her head)
Dawn: Oh no, I apologize for that! I hope you're not injured.
Izzy: The only thing wounded is my perfect winning streak.
(She walks off, pouting, as Chef announces the next match)
Chef: Now, Ezekiel versus Lightning. Go, maggots, go!
(The two climb up onto the platform, and Ezekiel starts sweating in fear)
Ezekiel: I woonder how many times I'll get sliced in half, eh.
Noah: Only once. The second time you'll get chopped in thirds.
Ezekiel: Thanks for the pep talk coach.
Noah: Was that actual sarcasm?
Ezekiel: What's sarcasm, eh?
(As he's distracted, Lightning smacks with the hilt of the sword, knocking him over. He gets back up and the two parry strikes, each receiving several scratches)
Dawn: Chef, this is dangerous. Someone could get seriously hurt!
Chef: I know. Awesome, ain't it?
(Up on the platform, Lightning's latest sword stroke scrapes across Zeke's hand, giving him a nasty gash. As he drops his sword in pain, Lightning smacks him across the head with the flat end of the sword, knocking him off the platform)
Chef: Lightning wins! Freakzekiel failed.
Static
Ezekiel: I never fail, eh. It just looked that way.
Static
(Back to the clearing)
Chef: The final match of Round One is Noah versus Staci. Now fight!
(The two step up to the platform, but are reluctant to swing their swords)
Chef: Do something, teenagers!
Staci: Yah, okay.
(She swings her sword and Noah backs away. He then lazily swings it, but she counters and knocks the sword out of his hand)
Noah: Yeah, I'm not really in the mood right now.
(He jumps off the platform and picks up his trademark book)
Chef: See what I mean? You teenagers are the laziest bunch o' people I've ever set eyes upon.
Noah: I won't disagree.
Chef: Shut up! Now for Round two: Annette versus Lightning.
Annette: But we're on the same team!
Chef: You think I care? Now go!
(The two face each other, but before Annette can even move, Lightning starts smacking her repeatedly over the head with his plastic sword. She raises her sword and backs away to stop the blows, but she doesn't pay attention to where she's going and falls off)
Chef: Whelp, there's a loser. Now for Dawn versus Staci!
Staci: Uh, I'll forfeit. I don't want to mess with Dawn's supernatural powers. You see, my great-great-great-aunt Robindhood invented supernatural powers. Before her- - -
Chef: I would greatly appreciate it if you would shut your pie hole.
Noah: Thank you.
Chef: I didn't do it for you. I did it for the ponies of the world. Now for the final epic sword battle: Dawn versus Lightning.
Ezekiel: Wait, eh. Is she facing the person Lightning, the yellow thingies when it storms, or that scar on Harry Pooter's forehead, eh?
Chef: Who in the name of jelly beans is Harry Potter?! Don't answer that. Begin already!
(Dawn stands on one end of the platform, looking small and very nervous. Lightning is on the other, hungering for victory. He charges like a bull straight at Dawn. The small girl doesn't move for several long seconds, then seemingly magically moves out of his way and he runs off the edge of the platform, crashing into the brook and getting swallowed by a crocodile)
Chef: And that's that. The Psychos got two points, and team Izzy and the Crazy Crazies both have one each.
Static
Dawn: I must have incredible luck. I won both sword-fighting competitions without striking a single blow!
Static
(A crocodile is in the confessional, with Lightning screaming and punching inside of it. The croc licks its lips and grins at the camera)
Static
(Back to the field. Chef is standing there with the campers. Lightning has apparently been rescued from the croc's stomach)
Chef: Now, before we go on to the final Chef Challenge, it's time to reveal the twist. The final challenge will be worth ten points.
Blake: That's unfair! Then what was the point of the first four challenges?
Chef: To make you squirm. And to see who gets second and who gets third. Anyways, our final challenge is a dogfight.
Ezekiel: No, eh! We can't let 'em fight! I love doggies!
Chef: Not that type of dogfight, dummy. Like with planes.
Ezekiel: Plain? Like vanilla?
Noah: He means an airplane battle, genius.
Ezekiel: Oh.
Chef: That's right. You see those biplanes? The red one is for the Psychos, the green one for the Crazies, and the purple one for Team Izzy. In a normal dogfight, y'all would shoot each other out of the air, but these planes don't got any guns. So you'll have ta win by crashing into each other. But ya gotta be careful how ya do it, 'cause the last plane in the air wins.
Noah: When did this become legal?
Chef: When did your face become legal?
Noah: What's wrong with my face?
Chef: Um, um, well, it's ugly.
Noah: Great comeback.
Chef: Shut up egghead. Now everybody get in those planes!
(Rather reluctantly, everyone boards their team's plane and takes a seat. Izzy immediately takes off and starts flying loop-de-loops)
(Camera shows the inside of the Psychos' plane)
Blake: Uh, does anyone here have a pilot's license?
(Everyone shakes their heads)
Ezekiel: I did fly the Total Drama Jumbo Jet a few times as Gollum when no one was lookin', eh.
Noah: In that case, you can fly for us.
Ezekiel: Yes m'am. I won't let you doown.
(Scene switches to the Crazies' plane)
Staci: Yah, can anyone here fly a plane?
Lightning: Sha-bam! Lightning can! Lightning got his pilot's license just from bein' so awesome!
Annette: Well, that settles that.
(The other two frown at her)
Annette: What? What'd I do?
Lightning: You're a sha-cheater!
Staci: Yah, just like Heather.
Annette: Well, excuse me for wanting to win.
Lightning: Lightning already did sha-win once. And he didn't cheat!
Staci: Yah, and I certainly would've still played fair if I had made it farther last time.
Annette: Geez, sorry. Can we get on with the challenge?
(The other two glare at her, but Lightning moves over to the controls and gets the plane ready to take off. In front of them, the Psychos are now in the air. Zeke is doing a decent job of flying, until Izzy starts closing in. She comes from the front and crashes head-long into the other plane, dropping them both out of the sky. Thankfully, both aircrafts manage to regain altitude and stay in the air, although one of Izzy's jet engines has broken)
Noah: Wait a second. Since when do biplanes have jet engines?
Blake: Well, really, since when don't they?
Noah: Since they were created, when jet engines didn't exist.
Dawn: You two shouldn't argue. It will only tear our team apart.
Blake: She's right. Let's truce. Shake on it?
(He holds out his hand)
Noah: Fine.
(He shakes Blake's hand with the tip of two fingers as if it's something revolting)
Ezekiel: Watch out, eh. Incoming at seven o'clock!
(He veers the plane hard to the right as Izzy comes from behind narrowly avoiding a collision. Izzy immediately turns her biplane around and heads straight for them. She crashes into the side, but her plane is damaged a lot worse. The propeller breaks off and one wing is rendered useless. As Zeke struggles to keep the Psychos' plane in the air, she goes crashing down, landing somewhere out of sight in the jungle far below. As she falls, an almost comedic scream is heard)
Izzy: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ezekiel: That was purfect, eh.
Dawn: We're not done yet. Here come the Crazies!
(Zeke slowly turns the plane around as the Crazies fly over them. He does a loop-de-loop and lands upside-down on their plane. The two planes fly on like this for several seconds and both have their tops extensively damaged, with the Crazies' plane's roof being broken completely through. Eventually Lightning rolls the plane out from under the Psychos, and zooms off. After distancing themselves from the other plane, he does a U-Turn in midair and comes back at them. The front of the Psychos' biplane crashes into the two wings on the left of the Crazies', breaking them straight off. Lightning tries to save the plane, but it's too late and they go down, crashing into the ground with a huge explosion. The Psycho's plane is hugely damaged. Most of the roof is missing, one engine is busted, there are many scratches to the wing on the left side, and the windshield is cracked. But, unbelievably, it's still flying. Back on the ground, Chef announces the results using a walkie-talkie that connects to all the plane's intercoms)
Chef: And it looks like the Psychos have won the Chef Challenges, with a total of twelve points. They'll be enjoying the fabulous buffet as a reward tonigh- - -wait, what is that?
(He gasps in shock as Izzy's plane, still mostly together, flies back above the tree canopy. Izzy is at the controls, of course, cackling manically. She draws level with the Psychos' plane and speaks through the intercom)
Izzy: Guess what guys? I never really crashed; I bounced along on the tree branches until I was able to fly back up. And Zekey? Ya know who I found there? This!
(She holds in her hand none other than the evil king squirrel himself. He presses his face against the windshield and makes rude faces at Zeke, which he can see even from a few hundred feet away. Izzy then stands up, ignoring the still-flying plane, opens the side door, and throws the squirrel out of it. He is blasted by the wind and lands on the side of the Psychos' aircraft, clinging on with his tiny claws)
Blake: Alright, so we have to deal with Izzy one more time. We've got nothing to worry about, unless they figure out how to open doors.
(The squirrel slides the door open and steps in)
Ezekiel: Oi feel like that's parodying something, eh.
(As soon as he finishes his sentence, the squirrel punches him in the face and throws him out of the door, leaving him to fall the few thousand feet to the ground. It then advances on the other contestants, throwing Blake, then Dawn, the Noah out after Zeke. Finally, the psychotic beast scratches at the control panel and rips up all the wires, which causes the plane to go haywire. After a few seconds, the engines come to a standstill and the plane falls. As it plummets down, the squirrel jumps out and opens up wing-like skin flaps, revealing itself to be a flying squirrel. It then glides away and disappears from sight. Izzy meanwhile lowers her plane and comes to a chaotic landing on the clearing, jumping out just before the plane explodes)
Chef: And it looks like we have a change in the point count. Team Izzy gets the buffet with eleven points, the Psychos are gonna be doing all those fun chores with their two points, and with a measly single point, the Crazies are going to elimination. Now move your lazy crazy butts, teenagers!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
(Izzy is shown in boathouse, chowing down on a magnificent feast. As she swallows a plate of ribs whole, bones and all, she pauses a moment)
Izzy: Man, Owen would love this. I wish he was here!
(She goes back to eating, taking the apple out of a pig's mouth and tossing it down her throat. In the boathouse behind her are the four Psychos, scrubbing the boathouse floor. This is harder than it would normally be, as they're all covered in bandages and gauze, and Zeke has both arms in a cast)
Noah: Well, today wasn't exactly the best day ever.
Dawn: I'll agree with that.
Ezekiel: I really don't like squirrels, eh.
(Scene switches to the Crazies' cabin, where Staci is reading a comic book and Lightning is dumping box after box of protein powder down his mouth. Behind them, Annette walks in)
Annette: So guys, who're you thinkin' of voting off tonight?
Staci: You.
(Annette walks up to Staci and whisper to her so Lightning can't hear)
Annette: C'mon Staci, let's get rid of Lightning, right? Right?
Staci: Yah, no. My great-great-grandmother invented voting. And when she did, she voted for you.
Annette: Please, cut me some slack.
Staci: No chance.
(Annette sighs miserably)
Static
Annette: This whole illegal alliance thing isn't going as well as I thought it would.
Static
Dawn: I sense tonight's elimination will be full of surprises.
Static
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
(It's dark already, and the three Psychos are sitting around the campfire pit as Chef holds a platter with two marshmallows on it)
Chef: Now, Chris normally bothers with some long dumb speech at the beginning o' one o' these, but I don't believe in such sentimentality. So, first and also next-to-last marshmallow goes to…
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…Staci.
(The chubby girl grabbs her marshmallow in delight, although she isn't exactly super surprised to be getting it)
Chef: Alright then, Lightning and Annette compose our bottom two.
Annette: Ooh, compose! I can compose songs! I like singing! Birds like winging! I hope- - -
Chef: That's enough of that. Anyway, I'm surprised you're still in the bottom two. Thought nobody knew about your illegal alliance. OOPS! Just gave it away. Heh heh. Sorry about that.
Annette: [sarcastically] Right. 'Cause they definitely didn't know about it before.
(Chef bursts out laughing)
Chef: Y'know, girl for a second there you had me thinkin' that was sarcasm!
(Annette frowns)
Chef: Now, back to business. The final marshmallow, which will determine who stays and who doesn't, goes to…
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…Annette.
Annette: Yes! I'm safe! Staci! You voted with me! Thank you thank you thank you!
Staci: But I didn't! I tried to vote you off!
Annette: What?
Lightning: Wait, we was sha-supposed to vote somebody off? Lightning though we were votin' for the winner!
Chef: What're ya sayin', teenager?
Lightning: Well, Lightning voted for Lightning, 'cause Lightning always wins! Sha-bam!
(He flexes his muscles, and the Chute of Shame opens up beneath him, dropping him down)
Chef: Now, I've got a' announcement. Izzy, you can come out now.
(Izzy jumps out from the bushes)
Izzy: Hi, I'm Izzy!
Chef: Since the number of people on yer team is getting' annoyingly low, Izzy is now officially joining the Crazy Crazies.
Staci: Yah, yay!
Izzy: Hello new teammates!
Annette: I hope Izzy doesn't kill me! I owe someone money so they billed me!
(Camera shows Lightning falling down the Chute of Shame. He reaches the bottom and bounces out onto the floor of underground Playa des Losers. Mike, Owen, and Mr. Coconut are enjoying lime mango smoothies at the tropical smoothie bar. Or rather, Mike and Owen are, while Mr. Coconut just sits there. Heather is swimming in the pool, and Zoey is beating the high score on an arcade machine. Lightning sits up and looks around)
Lightning: Where sha-am I?
Heather: You're in the Underground Playa des Losers, 'cause you lost. Hah! Loser!
Mike: Well, we all lost. Welcome to the club, Lightning.
Zoey: Trust me; you won't mind having been eliminated once you see how awesome this place is!
Owen: Yeah, it's all-you-can-eat, twenty-four seven! Isn't that right, Mr. Coconut?
Mr. Coconut: - - - - -
Lightning: Is there a gym here?
Zoey: Yeah, there's a huge fitness center down the hall. It has all sorts of exercise machines, a boxing ring, and a track for running.
Owen: When Zoey said this place has everything, she means everything. There's a mini-golf course down the hall too.
Mike: And Owen, my man, got a hole-in-one eighteen times in a row! Perfect score!
Lightning: Lightning don't sha-care, he just wants to use the gym. Outta my way!
(He jumps up and runs down the hallway. Finding the door to the gym, he crashes into it)
Lightning: [off-camera] Ow! Stupid door! You were supposed to sha-open for the Lightning.
Zoey: Sigh. Some things never change.
Heather: Like you. You'll always be annoying.
Zoey: Say that all you want Heather. It doesn't bother me. But it does bother Commando Zoey.
(Heather gulps)
Heather: Well, well, I don't care! Hmph.
(She crosses her arms and frowns)
(Mike laughs cheerfully)
Mr. Coconut: - - - - -
(Camera goes to the Dock of Shame, where Chef is standing)
Chef: Yeah, I'm doin' the signoff too. You got a problem with that fool?! Huh?! Ya don't? Well, that's better. Anyway, who will get eliminated next in the dramatic elimination ceremonies we've got goin' here? What's happened to the squirrel, and how will it try an' kill Zeke next? And finally, what's gonna happen now that Izzy has joined the Crazies? Find out next time, on TOTAL, DRAMA, THE ISLAND REBORN! See ya later, dummies.
(Credits play)
Voting Confessionals
Static
Annette: I don't like the way this is going, but I better just vote for Lightning in case Staci changes her mind.
Static
Lightning: Sha-bam! Lightning wants Lightning to win! It's sha-awesome! Lightning votes for Lightning for the win! Woohoo!
Static
Staci: Yah, I'm sticking to my word. I don't think it's fair that Annette gets to be part of an illegal alliance and have all the challenges be easy, so I'm voting for her. Yah, my great-great-great-great-grandfather Bob invented….actually, what did he invent? I forget. Oh Staci, you silly girl, you better hit the books again before you lose your memory!
Static
Lightning: 2
Annette: 1
Staci: 0
Eliminated: Mike, Zoey, Mr. Coconut, Owen, Heather, Lightning
Psycho Psychos: Blake, Dawn, Ezekiel, Noah
Crazy Crazies: Annette, Izzy, Staci
Sorry to all Lightning fans, I'm also sad to see him go. If you've been reading this story all the way up to this point and haven't gotten around to reviewing yet, please do so. It would be greatly appreciated! I hope you enjoyed this episode, it was really fun to write. An update should be out in about a week and a half.
~TheImpossiblyAwesomeWriter
Next Time: After a daring and courageous breakout involving ninjas, the second aftermath of the season begins! Owen, Heather, and Lightning are interviewed, and the chair that zaps you if you lie makes a comeback!