Will was afraid two back-to-back appointments with Dr. Habib wouldn't be nearly enough but it was all he could get on such short notice. As he sat there smoking a cigarette, fiddling with his phone and tapping his feet, he wondered nervously what the good doctor would make of the last few days.

He needn't have worried. The warm smile on Dr. Habib's face when the office door opened told Will he was in good hands.

'Will! I'm glad to see you up and around. You got home from the hospital the day before yesterday?'

'Yes.'

'How are you feeling?'

'Fine, fine,' Will said, nodding to Lonny as he entered Dr. Habib's office and settled himself in his favorite chair. He leaned forward, saying, 'Look – that's not what I came here to talk about – I need to talk about MacKenzie.'

Dr. Habib had his own agenda. 'Before we discuss MacKenzie, can we back up a little? I understand you ended up in the hospital because you'd taken too many of the anti-depressants I prescribed. Tell me how that happened.'

Will sighed and played with a thread that was coming unraveling on his sweater. 'I had a lousy couple of weeks and figured if one capsule was good maybe four would be better - you know, I'm a big guy. Anyway, I took them and ended up with a bleeding ulcer. Mac and Lonny found me in the bathroom, took me to the hospital and here I am, good as new.'

'You said you'd had a lousy couple of weeks. What happened?'

'Brian fucking Brenner happened.'

'MacKenzie's ex boyfriend.'

'Yeah, did you read the article?'

'I did.'

'Well, I guess I don't have to tell you why I had such a lousy couple of weeks then.'

'Presumably, asking him to write the article didn't work out quite the way you planned. How do you feel about that?

'Look, can we just skip this part? Yes, the article really got up my ass and I admit I was depressed and I took too many pills but I was just trying to feel better. I wasn't trying to kill myself. Anyway, that's all over with. I'm ready to move on, seize the day and all that. What I really need to talk about is – '

'Taking too many pills when one is depressed can be a sign of –'

'For fuck's sake!' Will exclaimed. 'Can we please do this later? What I really need to talk about now is what happened with MacKenzie!'

Unperturbed, Dr. Habib simply looked at him. 'As you wish. What happened with MacKenzie?'

Will sat back in his chair. 'She'd been at the hospital for two days, waiting for me to wake up. When I finally did she was mad as hell – asking me why I'd done it. Why I'd taken so many pills, why I'd let the article bother me so much.' He ran his hands through his hair, remembering how she'd looked when he woke up. 'She looked so tired, so scared and worn out.'

'What did you tell her?'

'I told her that everything Brian had written was true. I really am the Greater Fool – but that's not important -'

'How did she respond to that?'

'Not well but really, that's not the point -'

'What is the point?'

'That evening I fell asleep. When I woke up I felt her climbing into bed with me. Then she put her arms around me.'

'How did that make you feel?'

'Surprised, happy, angry.'

'How did you respond?'

'I asked her what the fuck she was doing and she said she was breaking down walls. Something about being tired of fucking around.'

'Fucking around with what?'

'With me, I guess – with us – this dance we do – never in but never out either.'

'And how did that make you feel?'

'Conflicted. Don't get me wrong - I loved being so close to her again. Jesus, it was wonderful. Despite everything – ' Will's voice trailed off. 'Well, you know how much I've missed her. But at the same time all the alarm bells were going off. I felt …threatened. Trapped. Like I was in danger.'

'Why?'

'You tell me. That's why I'm here.'

Dr. Habib nodded. 'What happened next?'

'I told her to get the fuck out of my bed or I was going to call security.'

'What did she say?'

'She flat-out refused. She said she was tired of this bullshit and asked me if I wasn't tired of it too.'

'What did you say?'

'I told her to get out but … ' Will looked at Dr. Habib. 'She wouldn't budge and then she kissed me. And I kissed her back. And then … we made love.'

'How was that?'

'Wonderful. Incredible. Being so close to her again – it just - well,' he said, clearing his throat. 'It was like coming home. All the anger just melted away.'

'Then what happened?'

'Well, for starters, I started crying like a two-year-old.' He looked down at his feet. 'And then – and this is the part I need your help with,' he said, his voice cracking. When he looked up again his eyes gleamed with unshed tears. 'I told her I hated her,' he whispered.

Dr. Habib raised his eyebrows but said nothing. He waited a beat and asked, 'Do you hate her?'

'No!' Will shook his head vehemently. 'I hated feeling out of control, vulnerable.'

'I understand. What happened then?'

'I said I was sorry - that I didn't mean it, that I loved her. But I couldn't stop crying.'

'What was her response?'

'Nothing. She just held me until I calmed down.'

'Then what?'

'She asked me if I meant what I said – about loving her.' His face was in his hands. 'And then…I just – I don't know what was going through my fucking head but - I told her if by love she meant hate, then the answer was yes, I loved her.'

'Why do you think you said that?'

'Fuck if I know – that's why I'm here! Why aren't you doing anything besides asking questions? You're the fount of knowledge!'

'I'm waiting to hear the whole story. Why do you think you said you hated her?'

Will rubbed his hands together. 'I don't know – it was instinctive – automatic. It was out of my mouth before I could stop it. I think I hated feeling so powerless against her.'

'Okay, then what happened?'

'She ran out of the room, I found her and I said ok, let's do this, let's break down these walls, but she told me to fuck off because I'd just shown her what was on the other side of those walls and she wasn't going to be my punching bag.'

Dr. Habib allowed a small smile to cross his lips.

'Go on. What did you say?'

'I told her the truth - that what just happened – making love to her – was the first time I'd felt human in five years. But I told her I hated feeling so vulnerable because it reminded me of how much she could hurt me.'

'How did she respond?'

'We talked some more and she said she wanted me back, she wanted us back and she promised she would never betray me again. Then she asked if I wanted the same thing.'

'What did you tell her?'

'I told her I couldn't do this now – meaning have this discussion in the hospital - but she ran out before I got to the now part. She thought I said I couldn't do this – period. Anyway, I found her again – and don't be surprised if you read all about it in TMI next week because at least 50 people saw it – anyway, I told her I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone in my life and I wanted to be with her but I needed to figure out what was going on in my fucking head. I told her I needed to talk to you.'

'How did she react?'

'She said I hurt her – you know, with the whole 'I hate you' thing.'

'Then what happened?'

'Lonny picked us up and brought us back to my apartment.

'How did she end up coming home with you?'

'She was going to go back to her place but I asked her to come home with me.'

'Why?'

'I don't know – I just wanted to be with her.'

'Then what happened?'

'We ate some pizza, had some wine that I'd saved from when we were together before –'

'Wine you'd bought for her before you split up?'

'Yeah – I got it to celebrate our two year anniversary but we broke up before – well, you know.'

'Then what happened?'

'We went to bed.'

'You have a two bedroom apartment. Where did she sleep?'

'With me.'

'How did that come about?'

'I asked her if she wanted to sleep in the guest room or with me and she said and I quote, 'Are we fucking doing this or not because if we are then you're goddamned right I'm sleeping with you and if we're not, well, what am I doing here?''

Dr. Habib smiled.

'Yeah, she's a real firecracker.'

'I presume you made love again.'

Will nodded.

'How was that?'

'Unbelievable. Epic. It was – God, I don't even know how to describe it. I just – I love her so much. I felt so connected to her. It was…beautiful.' He looked away, embarrassed.

Dr. Habib looked at him, waiting for Will to go on. 'I didn't tell her I hated her if that's what you're asking. In fact, I couldn't shut up about how much I loved her.'

'Did you cry?'

'Yes. We both did. I guess that shows how fucked up we are.'

'Oxytocin.'

'What?'

'You were both crying because oxytocin floods your bloodstream during orgasm. It induces feelings of love and bonding, togetherness and sexual fulfillment. When emotions are running high, or an orgasm is particularly intense you may feel like crying – or laughing.'

'I don't remember crying when we were together before.'

'You and MacKenzie have repressed a lot of emotions since then, Will. They had to come out. Then what happened?'

'We spent most of yesterday in bed and today I came to see you.'

'Any more tears?'

'During sex?'

'Or at any other time.'

'Off and on during sex, but it seems to have tapered off. Neither one of us cried this morning.'

'And how do you feel now?'

'Happy, scared, worried that I'm going to hurt her again. Worried that she's going to hurt me again.'

'That's why you said you hated her. You felt powerless. You also said making love to her felt like coming home. I think you were more right than you know.'

'What do you mean?'

'I think what happened reminded you of your childhood. That's why you reacted as strongly as you did. She forced the issue. Maybe it worked out in the end, but she didn't give you much choice. You were powerless. Just like you were powerless against your father when you were a child.'

'I wasn't powerless! I could have called security – I could have gotten her to leave. I didn't want to.'

'You're giving her a pass, Will. What if this happened between two other people, only it was a man getting into a woman's hospital bed? That's sexual assault.'

'Are you saying she raped me?'

'I'm saying she didn't take no for an answer. She didn't respect your wishes. Look, Will. MacKenzie was tired of waiting for you to come back to her and she tried to force a connection before you were ready.'

'But who's to say I would ever have been ready? Look, I wanted to do it. I wanted to be with her. I want to be with her now. I just don't want to be angry any more.'

'Let's come back to this later. You asked me why you said you hated her and I'm telling you. You said it felt instinctive, automatic. You're partially right – it felt instinctive but it wasn't - it was a conditioned response you learned in childhood. On a physiological level, what happened is what some psychologists call an "amygdala hijack.'

Will looked at him.

'The amygdala is the "fight or flight" and emotional memory part of the brain. Its job is to protect by comparing incoming data with emotional memories. And as is often the case with abused children, an amygdala hijack occurs when we respond out of measure with the actual threat because it has triggered a much more significant emotional threat. For instance, the amygdala will react similarly to the threat of being eaten by a tiger – a physical threat - and the threat of an ego attack - an emotional threat - by releasing hormones that bring on the fight, flight or freeze reaction. That's why it felt instinctive and that's why said you hated her.'

'OK,' Will said. 'I get it. The question is, how do I keep from lashing out at her again?

'You've already taken the first step. You've let her in, you've bonded with her. Now you need to teach your amygdala not to view her as a threat.'

'How do I do that?

'By talking to her. You said you never asked for details about what happened with Brian. I think you should.'

'Why would I want to do that?'

'So you can know what you're up against. For three years you've thought you knew what was going through MacKenzie's mind when she betrayed you. But you've also said you refused to read her e-mails or listen to her voice mail messages, that when she first told you about it you just shut down and told her to get out of your life. What I'm saying is that you don't really understand how it happened – you just guessed. And the only way to find out for sure whether you can trust her is to confront what happened - what really happened - and process it. Once you know the facts, your conscious mind can feed them to your subconscious and you can begin letting go of some of these visceral responses.'