Presenting...the shortest chapter of all time! Chapters are likely to get shorter and shorter from now on. I'll try my best to keep them above 2,500 words. In other news: 100,000 words and 4,000 views! Incredible!
(The aftermath music plays as clips from recently eliminated characters are shown)
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Dawn: Sadly, I sense all is not as it seems.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Staci: Yah, my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-gr eat-great-great-great grandmother invented mini golf.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Mike/Chester: Kids these days and their stupid expressions!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Annette: I like cats, so I always hit them with baseball bats!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
(Theme song plays)
(The scene is Underground Playa des Losers. Mike and Zoey are chilling in the hot tub, Owen is asleep on one of the lounge chairs with Mr. Coconut next to him, Lightning is doing push-ups, Dawn is meditating at the top of a fake palm tree, Staci is eating at the buffet, and Annette is reading a book. Heather is off in her room. Suddenly, a tile in the floor opens up, and a ninja hand places a scroll. The hand disappears and the tile is replaced)
Dawn: What's this?
(She picks up the scroll, unrolls it, and skims the writing)
Dawn: Guys, I think you should see this.
(Everyone clusters around, and she reads it aloud)
Dawn: Dear Eliminated Contestants, it's the aftermath folk here. It's time for a new aftermath, but Chef is determined to keep you where you are. The dangerous Aftermath Tunnel and the vent are sealed off, the Chute of Shame is unclimbable, and the ninja trick won't work twice. So, we've provided you with instructions for escape. Do them step by step, follow them exactly, and, most importantly, don't question the insanity of some of them. With all due respect (which is very little indeed), Bridgette, Geoff, and Blaineley
Mike: Do they honestly expect us to want to attend another aftermath, after the first two?
Zoey: Apparently.
Staci: Yah, it doesn't sound so bad.
Annette: Staci's right. I'm in.
Owen: How 'bout we make a pact to follow their plan. Agreed?
Mr. Coconut: [voiced by Owen] Agreed.
Lightning: Sha-agreed!
Staci: Yah, my great-great-uncle Beatle invented agreeing. In honor of his memory, I must agree.
Mike: What the heck? Sure.
Zoey: If Mikes in, then I'm in.
Dawn: Alright then, what's the first step?
(They all lean closer to read)
Step One: Tie up Heather and Lightning.
Lightning: Sha-uh-oh. Are pacts sha-undoable?
(Everyone pounces on him and hogties him, as Mike fetches some twine to bind his hands and his ankles)
Lightning: Sha-unfair!
Mike: Hey, steps are steps.
Zoey: So next we have to get Heather? I'm lookin' forward to this!
Annette: No doubt about it!
(The seven of them, not counting Lightning, creep down the hallway and stand quietly outside Heather's door. Zoey knocks)
Heather: [opening the door] What?
(Immediately, Annette and Owen each grab one of her arms and Zoey pulls her feet out from under her. Mike quickly ties her up, and they start carrying her back down the hall)
Heather: Hey, this is like the tenth time this season I've been tied up! Chris, you bondage freak!
Dawn: Chris doesn't have anything to do with this.
Heather: [sarcastically] Oh really? Then who am I to thank for this fabulous ride?
Mike: Blaineley, Bridgette, and Geoff.
Heather: Ugh, I hate those people!
(When they reach the main room, Heather is set on the floor next to Lightning. She complains constantly and a little bit later Staci gags her with a towel. Everyone goes back to the instructions)
Step Two: Throw Mr. Coconut back up the Chute of Shame.
Zoey: What does that accomplish? Sure, the fruit's escaped, but that doesn't exactly help us.
Dawn: There must be some other purpose to it. No questioning, remember?
Zoey: Right.
(Mike grabs the coconut and hurls it into the Chute of Shame. It pops out by the campfire pit and hits Chef in the face as he's walking by. The cook leans down and picks up the fruit, before screaming in rage)
Chef: Those little dum-dums think they can escape! I'll show them. Game on, suckers!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Step Three: Acquire a chainsaw.
Mike: Where do we get a chainsaw?
Owen: Mike, if something is even the tiniest bit crazy, it'll be near Izzy. Sure, she's back in the game now, but her room's been left untouched since she returned. Be right back!
(A few minutes later, he's reappeared with a chainsaw)
Zoey: It's a little unnerving to think she had that in her room the whole time.
Owen: Nah, she generally keeps it on her person. What's next?
Step Four: Stand next to the corner of the main wall with a putter. Count to one hundred and swing the putter with all your might.
Staci: Yah, these just get weirder and weirder.
(Chef pressed in a panel on Chris' stand by the campfire pit, and a secret passage to Underground Playa des Losers opened up. It was time to return Mr. Coconut. He walked down a staircase, down a hall, and came to the hidden door that opened up into the large room. As he stepped inside, he heard 'one hundred' and something hard smacked him in the head, knocking him out cold)
Dawn: I believe I'm making sense of this. We threw Mr. Coconut up the Chute so Chef would bring him to us and open up the exit. The putter was to knock him out and clear the way. I guess we had to tie up Heather and Lightning to make sure they'd come.
Lightning: Sha-Lightning did sha-want to come!
Dawn: Well, that's sha-too bad for you. But what's the chainsaw for?
Zoey: Guess we'll find out soon enough.
Step Five: Bringing Heather and Lightning with you, exit through the secret passage and head to the Dock of Shame.
Step Six: Using the chainsaw, cut a square hole in the middle of the dock.
(Those two steps were accomplished easily, with Owen using the chainsaw)
Owen: So far so good. We're out of Playa des Losers, right?
Annette: Right. What's next?
Dawn: There's only one step left.
Step Seven: Dive in.
Zoey: Oh wow. Any volunteers?
(Mike shrugs and jumps into the hole, slipping into the water. A fee seconds later he surfaces and gives a thumbs-up, before sinking back into the murky water. Owen pushes Heather and Lightning in, much to their chagrin, before doing a cannonball himself, splashing everyone still on the dock. Zoey tosses in Mr. Coconut and slides in herself, leaving just Annette and Staci. Dawn has already mysteriously disappeared, as normal)
Annette: After you.
Staci: Ladies first.
Annette: You are a lady!
Staci: Good point. You know, my great-great-great-uncle Paul McCartney invented ladies- - -
(Annette shoves the pathological liar in before jumping in herself)
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
(Underneath the dock was a submarine, piloted by a ninja. After traveling underwater for a while, the eliminated contestants surfaced and were taken by taxi to the aftermath studio. In a back room, they met Geoff, Bridgette, and Blaineley)
Bridgette: Hey guys.
Blaineley: How'd you like my magnificent escape plan?
Geoff: You mean 'ours'.
Blaineley: Same difference.
Dawn: It was well thought-out.
Mike: If a little crazy.
Mr. Coconut: - - - - -
Lightning: Can I be sha-freed now?
(Blaineley snaps her fingers)
Blaineley: Interns!
(Two interns enter the room and untie Heather and Lightning. Heather spits out the gag and starts strangling Blaineley, forcing the interns to tie her up again and drag her out of the room)
Staci: That was awkward.
Blaineley: [massaging her sore neck] Things always are with Heather.
Bridgette: We're going on air anytime now, so Mike, Zoey, Mr. Coconut, Owen, you guys can head to the Peanut Gallery. Oh, and Lightning too. The other four, get ready for some aftermathy chaos!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
(The peanut gallery consists of the five mentioned by Bridgette, in addition to Leshawna, Anne Maria, and Cameron)
Leshawna: Hello, Canada! Huh. That just does not have any type of ring to it.
Anne Maria: Shuddup, will ya? I'm tryin' to put on some hairspray, and da sound o' your voice is ruinin' my concentration!
Cameron: Um, Anne Maria, that can's empty. You used it up twenty minutes ago.
Anne Maria: Aw, can it Blondie!
Cameron: Blondie? Seriously?
Anne Maria: Hey, when I don't get ma hairspray, I don't think straight. Gimme a break, Blondie!
Leshawna: Stop squawking, you two. The show's on any minute.
(As if on cue, Bridgette clears her throat)
Bridgette: Hello fans, and welcome to today's exciting episode of TOTAL...
Blaineley: ...DRAMA...
Geoff: ...AFTERMATH! There's been a heckuva lot of drama going on since we've seen you last. Between Courtney's return, Chris backstabbing Annette, Dawn's dramatic elimination, and the same girl's strange relationship with Homeschool, things are getting heated!
Blaineley: But, like always, campers must fall. The Chute of Shame awaits all but one, and it's our job to make sure you haven't seen the last of them.
Bridgette: So, before Blaineley takes up all the camera time, give a hand for Dawn!
(The aura whisperer walks onstage as the crowd goes wild. She takes a seat in the green armchair)
Dawn: Well, this is certainly nice. Revenge of the Island was sadly lacking in any redemption for the losers.
Blaineley: Hah, you call this redemption? Believe me sister, this is where the real drama begins.
Bridgette: So, you must've been surprised to get the boot before the merge, right?
Dawn: Not at all. All the omens pointed towards it. I'd hoped to avoid it, but, as you can see, that didn't exactly go as planned.
Geoff: You mad at your teammates for givin' ya the boot?
Dawn: Hmm. Noah's a funny person. He spends most of the season hating on Blake, only to turn over a new leaf in an act of random kindness. Sadly, that kindness wasn't very kind to certain other people. Specifically me.
Blaineley: Woah, you're getting way too philosophical. All we really care about is the juicy details.
Bridgette: Tell us about Zeke.
Dawn: He's, er, an Ezekiel. His heart is good and his aura is pure, but in the end, he's still an Ezekiel. I guess you could call us together, but I don't exactly see a successful future ahead. Of course, Bridgette, I know you're just glad people aren't still asking about the Bridgezekiel thing.
(Bridgette blushes)
Geoff: We all know it's true babe!
Bridgette: Seriously though. Who likes Ezekiel?! Uh, besides you, of course, Dawn.
Blaineley: AWKWARD! Always nice to spice up the show with some drama, eh Bridgette?
Bridgette: Er, let's meet our next eliminee! Staci!
Staci: Yah, my great-great-great-great- - -
Bridgette: Screw that. Next!
(Two ninjas gag Staci and drag her away)
Leshawna: Girl needs to learn when to shut up. Six words and already my ears are bleedin'!
Anne Maria: Well mah hair's bleedin' 'cause I'm outta frickin' hairspray!
(The Jersey Shore reject throws her hairspray can and nails Blaineley in the head with it)
Zoey: Bullseye!
Cameron: Nice shot!
Owen: People getting concussions makes me laugh!
(Blaineley stands up, rubs her head, and makes a rude hand gesture at the peanut gallery)
Blaineley: Anywho, now we need Mike. C'mere.
Mike: But didn't you just tell me to f- - -
Blaineley: GET OVER HERE!
Mike: Geez, alright!
(He sits where Dawn was. Dawn has meanwhile walked off-stage)
Bridgette: So Mike, you got two chances at the million this time, eh?
Mike: Yeah. And I failed. And it's funny because I never screwed up personally. Bob got me eliminated the first time, and Chester the next.
Geoff: What about your other personalities? Vito? Svetlana? Manitoba Smith?
Mike: Nah, I got them under control. Trust me, you won't see any of those three again.
(A ninja crawls down from the ceiling and places a fedora on his head. Mike inhales sharply)
Mike/Manitoba Smith: Well, well, well, it sure is good to see the light of day again! I was beginning to feel as dusty as one of them relics I like diggin' up so much.
Bridgette: Something tells me you're not Mike anymore.
Mike/Manitoba Smith: Mike? Crikey! Do I look like Mike?
Blaineley: Actually, you look exactly like Mike.
Mike/Manitoba Smith: Well in that case, I better get me some good old-fashioned plastic surgery, afore I end up as anorexic as that mate too!
Geoff: Um, whatever. Anything you'd like to tell us about your time on the show?
Mike/Manitoba Smith: You got dirt in your ears, mate? Listen't me. I wasn't on the flippin' show. I've spent the last flippin' calendar livin' in this baloney's head!
Bridgette: Yeah, okay then. Now, I know it's only the final five, but the viewers are already very divided as to who they want to win. Right guys?
(The left half of the audience starts chanting "NOAH! NOAH! NOAH!" while the right side is chanting "COURTNEY! COURTNEY! COURTNEY!" The two sides glare at each other and break into a fight. Then the ninjas come out, slap everyone silly, disappear, and suddenly it's like nothing ever happened)
Bridgette: Doesn't anyone like Izzy anymore?
(Ten or so people cheer)
Bridgette: What about Blake?
(One or two shout out a half-hearted "Wooo!")
Bridgette: And Ezekiel?
(There's silence for several long seconds. Then the entire audience, the peanut gallery, Blaineley and Geoff all break out into knee-slapping, guffawing, ROFLing, sonic-boom-loud laughter)
Bridgette: Okay, everyone hates Ezekiel. I get it, I get it!
Geoff: Yeah, we need to wrap this up. Give it up for our next ex-camper, Annette!
(The awful singer takes a seat and waves to the audience)
Annette: Good evening, NYC!
Blaineley: Uh' we're in Canada.
Annette: What's to say I didn't mean Newfound Yand, Canada?
Bridgette: That's not how you spell it.
Annette: I'm a singer, not a speller, 'kay?
Geoff: So, you're totally new to Total Drama. How'd you think this season went for you?
Annette: Pretty good, I guess. Unfortunately I didn't get to sing as much as I'd have wanted to.
Blaineley: Unfortunately for you, maybe. Anyway, how'd your illegal alliance with Chris work out?
Annette: I gotta say...not too well.
Blaineley: Oh yeah. Believe me, I know. I've been there. Back in World Tour. [she shudders]
Annette: Ah, the singing season! I should've been in that one!
Blaineley: No you shouldn't've.
Annette: What?
Blaineley: Nothing. It seems like we're done here. What we need now is a way of getting you guys back to Underground Playa des Losers.
(Dawn walks back on-stage)
Dawn: Oh, I know a shortcut. Follow me.
(She exits again, with Mike, Zoey, Owen, Mr. Coconut, Lightning, and Annette right behind her)
Cameron: Wow. That girl really is something!
Leshawna: You don't say.
Anne Maria: Nuh-uh, you did NOT just diss my hairspray.
Leshawna: You're right. I didn't.
Anne Maria: Oh.
Bridgette: Looks like our work here is done. See you next time, on TOTAL...
Geoff: ...DRAMA...
Blaineley: ...AFTERMATH!
(Credits play)
Eliminated: Zoey, Mr. Coconut, Owen, Heather, Lightning, Dawn, Staci, Mike, Annette
Contestants: Blake, Courtney, Ezekiel, Izzy, Noah
I actually found this episode to be really funny. So, just like the audience did, you guys care to tell me who you want to win XD? It really is coming down to the wire, even if we've still got eight episodes to go!
~TheImpossiblyAwesomeWriter
Next Time: In a spooky cave rescue mission challenge, Courtney and Noah go to new lows, different allies are tested, and it all ends with the big finale of the psycho squirrel sideplot.