TYRION

A mathmetitian is a device for turning coffee into therums. ah, the ancient proverb. it drifts through my head like the scent of shae's hair as black as a cat against the backdrop of a night sky with the ebony wings of a crow blocking the moon and a fresh coat of black paint on all of the streets.

okay you get the point, i'm a smart little bastard (not legit though i'm a lannister). but that's not the point. the point is i'm unconscious and i need to not be unconscious. in the game of thrones, you win or you don't win, and i need to win. i can't do that while i'm asleep tho. just what happened in the infamous battle of BLACKwater bay? ah that reminds me of shae's flowing locks. god damn i love a good ho.

"lord trion … lord hand tyrion …"

a voice is in the room. it's …

"tyion… tyrion"

it's a guy. i've lost my boner.

"tyrion, please! wake up!"

"mhmmhmhm?" i open my eyes. it is the spider. all eight legs are spread and poised to land on my thigh as it drops down from a string thinner than joffrey's %^&. oh and behind it is lord varys.

"tyrion, i have some grave news."

" hideey ho good chum. ah, we have art to save ourselves from the truth. human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. quoth my great great grandfather abraham…"

"ok listen tyrion, i tried to be nice. ain't nobody got time for your proverbs and shit, we have a game to play."

"scrabble? i love scrabble."

*laugh track*

"tyron plz. i have only come to inform you that-"

"wait! where is that boy pod!"

"pod?"

"yes my squire where is he bring him to be now or so help me"

at that moment i felt something land in my lap. it is my nose.

"oh … oh god. tyrion-"

"its fine its fine i got this. oooooh hoooooooooo okay, ok i can deal with this. what's another deformity u kno?"

"i … i'll go get podrick."

varys swooped over to the door to fetch my squire. i remember now … he almost killed me! if it weren't for gogblogladarb, i would have died! don't look at me like that, i forgot his name so i made one up.

"lord tyrion …" i hear his voice shaking as he enters the room and comes to my bedside. ah, youth. what days lie yonder east from the planes of our soul, reduced to ash and the faintness of our days in the setting sun …. ahhhhh.

"tyrion are you hurt?"

"no thanks to you, poddy pod. i almost died because YOU KILLED ME."

podrick gasps and looks around. "milord …" he whispers. "i saved you. I SAVED YOU, don't you remember?"

"actually my memory is foggy. foggy like the times ahead, a signal of our lost smile to education we must bestow upon thee, our generation of apostles. - thomas jefferson."

"okay tyrion i'd better go. your papa wants to see you upstairs."

"yes yes quite. indubitably."

i get up. oh god my kidney. there are too many stairs but i don't have bronn to carry me. :( i try not to cry as i enter my lord father's chambers. he is organizing toilet paper when he finally notices me.

"tyrion … i'm glad you came. oh oh oh whoaaaa oh oh oh whoaaaaa"

"dad please don't sing. what do you need."

"it's about the battle strategy. i am here to … congratulate …"

"yes…?"

"…your sister. hot damn what a daughter i have. such a military mind."

"…..dad no."

"yes. i have already promoted her to super queen regent. it's like queen regent only betterer."

"pop," i take a stern tone, "you are mistaken, alas. i was the one who compiled the tedious task of yore."

"tyrion can you not. let's talk like normal people. see, watch: what up g."

"father, i cannot. and anyway, I AM THE ONE-" i swing my little arm and knock over the pots and pans on his dresser. "I AM THE ONE WHO OVERSEED THE WILDFIRE AND THE CHAINS. I actually led peeps into battle when your own grandson curled into a ball and made mealworm noises. people had to carry him out on a hammock. I am the one who charged on horseback while the hound was all FUCK THE KING and i was like hahahh like you haven't done that already-"

"tyrion, you are making me sick. no wonder your mother died. is lying all your good for, my sonnnn?"

"dad … i think we need time apart. you're just not on my level."

"indeed. i am now hand of the king, a level far above you. haha. above you. in future i hope you won't stoop so low with your tactics. i hope you can be the bigger man and admit when you're wrong. we are at the height of our war with the starks and worst of all, imported goods are at an all time shortage. we don't have lobsters, swans, shrimp, anything"

"daaaaaaaaaad!" i stomp my boot and tiny little pebbles from the crack in the floor almost move.

"there is nothing you can do son. you may continue living here but i make the rules now."

"dad ….." my voice grumbled. i locked eyes. "u are such a piece of shit."

"thank you son. you are dismissed."

i left the room. my cape swished behind me because theres so much extra fabric. on my way out i came across one bronn …. bronnnn …. shit what is his last name.

"bronnnn" i said.

"tyrionnnnnn" he said.

then, silence.

…

i outstretched my arms. a look of understanding was in his eyes - it didn't need to be said. it didn't need saying, and yet i said it anyway.

"uppy."

with a proud smile he scooped me up and swept down the castle halls with me peeking over his shoulder. i am truly the best fashion accessory.