CATELYN

It is I, lady Kit Kat. Today I will be meeting with my son, Robbbb Stark, becuz he is coming back from another fine battle. I do not like battle. I like family. honour. duty. cash. ain't no other tully can rap like dat. got a ho to my left and-

"exCUSE ME?"

"…My apologies Brienne. I … did you hear all of that?"

"Yes. yes I did."

"…I apologize."

oOPS. i'll have to throw down a sick beat some other time. she's still looking at me like i'm mentally handicapped. better find a way out of this one.

"oh ned," i sobb. "ned … i have lost my mind to grief! aaAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"lady catelyn please!"

"-aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"LADY KIT KAT CONTROL YOURSELF."

"aaa. a. okay. you are right. i must pull myself together. for Robbbb."

we meet him on the grim battlefields of westeros. i could stand to be more specific but i forget where we are. probably somewhere near the frey house. do you know them? they're dear friends of ours. i should bring a strudel over to them or something. so here we are, awaiting the return of the warriors (except 4 the dead ones). i just hope that robbbb is alright. the other men, eh.

"here they are!" calls edmure, my bro bro. he didn't go to this battle because he was too sick to go. he seems to be doing much better now.

robbb appears on the horizon, looking mighty fine … for a son, u kno, platonically speaking. theon is to his left of course, saying "^_^". i don't know what robbbb sees in that boy. i never liked him, but it looks like i'll never get to say i told u so. :( a mother's worst nightmare.

the other soldiers are bloody and yucky, but their eyes are sharp like … ummmm … a fork. they have won the battle, but at what cost? we prepare our hearts to steel themselves against the hardships and tragedies of w-

"WHO WANTS TO COME TO MY BACHELOR PARTY?!" Robbb screams. he is holding a kazoo. its mighty sounds ring out into the forest. his men cheer and hold up their arms, even the men that don't have arms anymore.

"THAT'S RIGHT MEN, YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOTTO IS. WORK HARD PLAY HARD." suddenly he is wearing a party hat. just who is this boy that i once raised.

"Robbb stop this foolishness immememediately!" I march up to him.

"mom I … I am getting married."

"eventually son. eventually. i know the frey girl is very excited to gaze upon your earlobe."

"no mom no. i am getting married today. i'm KING IN THA NORTH and i already decided!"

"madness … madness robbbb, madness!" I look like a ghost im sure, staring horrifically at the girl behind him. i do not know this girl .. he must have brought her back from the war!

"i will not have you marrying this … this war whore that i have never met! never, robbbb!"

"actually i was talking about marrying theon. but thats a great idea!"

"NOOOOOOO"

and then i was in a maid of honours dress. i could't resist. honour is my fav word. as i am ironing my wrinkles i see a bird in the window.

"we just got a letter we just got a letter we just got a letter, wonder who its from!" i open the envelope. it says, dear friends. we just got news of the momentous occasion robbb has bestowed upon himself without us. there are no hard feelings. just soft feelings. soft, fluffy feelings like cotton candy in a cotton field. and also a rainbow. that said, plz come to our house. we are HONOURED to host the wedding.

they're honoured. i am convinced.

"robbb, we must go at once"

"but what do i wear, what will i say, what if i try to do a cartwheel when im drunk and i can't"

"robbb, don't lose your head over this."

"what? what does that mean?"

"i don't know i just felt like saying it for some reason, come, we must not be late. family. duty. honour. cash."

"ok then mom"

dun ddduhhh dananaaaaaa - beautiful instrumental orchestra to transition us to the frey towers.

"well, it's finally the day," says robb, standing alone at the alter. "and there is only one person i want to share it with. beautiful … funny … someone i discovered far too late in life."

"awww that's so swee-"

"theon greyjoy. where is he anyway?"

"ummmmm aaagggh son … aaaaagh." this is just auks now. i don't know what to say. truth is i sent him away before we left. i didn't think robbb would notice. how do i get out of this one.

"oh ned … nedddd! aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH the grief, the anguish! oh, my aching heart is too much!" i collapse on the floor. a stretcher takes me away.

"poor mother …" robbb looks sorrowful. fear not, i make it back in time for the ceremony. old mister frey is playing the organ. his fugly daughters are throwing petals. they look like a human bred with a pug and they were the result. wow i'm glad my son dodged that bullet. walking down the aisle is his wife to be. i still don't know her name but she's hot and has dem hips. hips are very important you know. gotta be curvaceous as hell to keep a man. that's what i always say. need room for all his fetuses and whatnot. im getting ahead of myself, this is robb's moment.

"my lady … i have long awaited this day." robbb says. there is charisma in his eyes but it will come out when rinsed with warm water.

"and i too, robbb my king of the north pole."

"yes … so do you, lady …. ladyyyy …."

"… yes?"

"do you take me as your lawfully wedded husband?"

"i do."

"and do you, robbb stark, take-"

"are you supposed to say this part?"

"don't make things weird. just roll with it. do you, robbb stark, take this fine woman as your wife? I do. yes, thank you."

"ummm ok."

"you may now …" he leans in, "kiss …. " he leans in closer, closing his eyes. "… the bri-AAAAUGH!"

a sword pierces his chest. old man walder has now switched to playing that one phantom of the opera song. it is aptly placed, i must say, and such talent on the organ. he should take that up professionally.

"GHH … HHHURK-!" Robbb is coughing blood. the light in his eyes is dying. tears of shock are dripping down your face onto the page. behind Robbbbb, a man reclaims his spear. he unfolds a piece of paper, looks it over proudly and smirks as he says, "The Lannisters send their retards."

the room goes silent. some people look offended for some reason.

"sir," another man says, "that's a g."

"regards." he says. nice recovery. then he runs offstage crying. "i messed up, i messed up bad. i had one job! that was my moment. MY. MOMENT." we can hear him talking in the next room. but forget about that. i'm dead.

"AAAAAAGH!" 80 spears attack me. i didn't count but it must be 80 or 90 or a thousand or something dramatic. come on im dying just give me that.

around me, all my men are on the floor. i don't know if they're lying in blood or their own wine vomit. they were really drunk. i'm almost dead.

"mother …. before i ascend to valhalla … tell me … just one … thing …."

"yes … son …" i reach for him across the ocean of blood. " … anything …."

"why …. why ….. "

"yes … my son …. ?"

"why …. did you put all those extra b's in my name ….."

"… i ….. i ….. i didn't want you to just be ….. Rob S. … in school …. I wanted you to …. be different …. but still ….. socially … acceptable ….. so ….. robbbbb …. was a fine ….. choice."

"urrrgh … uuuughhh …"

"uuuuuuuugh"

"aaaaaaaaugh .. gh … rk ….."

"rrrruuuuuuuuu"

"OMG DIE ALREADY." Tywin swoops in and kicks Robbbb in the face before growing large bat wings and soaring off into the night shrieking like a wildebeest.

"uurrr…" Robbbbb goes limp. then they begin to chop off his head.

"NOOOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN! NEDDDDDDDDDD!"

"catelyn omg you can stop faking. we're tired of this."

"AAAAAAAAA NED! MY GRIEF-STRICKEN HEART!"

"again with the theatrics" says some guy

"ya she tends to turn on the water works whenever she needs to" says some other guy

"haha. women." says some guy

"ya, women and their dumb emotions. all they do is cry and spend time reading gay stories on fan fiction dot com."

they both turn to look at you.