THEON

hush. you don't have to say it. you've been waiting for my chapter. you've drawn hearts on your wall with my name in them and cut pictures of my face out of magazines. it's okay. i don't think any less of you. but i don't have time to talk, becuz finally, it is my time to shine. #GREYJOY

i am about to board the ship home. home, yes i said it. all those years of being IMPRISONED at winterfell, heaping piles of expensive food utterly forced upon me, and the hugs, don't get me started on the hugs. it was a life of hardships. or softships. or no ships at all, because my greyjoy family loves ships and i was not there to love ships with them. no, i was shivering in the cold of antarctica. shivering in my wolfskin blankets by the fire, cuddling with my loving brothers. oh, what a sorrowful way to live. what will my father say when he hears of this abuse?

my footie pajama foot takes its last step on winterfell land. as i leave the ground behind me and step onto the dock something comes over me. i remove the hawaiian lei from my neck. yeah i had to look up what they were called don't judge me. i pluck the party hat off my scalp and toss it carelessly to the side as i sweep the docks. i remove my shutter shade glasses on which there is an engraved message reading to theon, from ur boi robbbb, and i toss them into the sea with a little bloop. i rip off the polly pocket bracelet and its beads roll on the wood floor. i remove my tie-dye belt. i remove my teddybear backpack. i take out a cigar and smoke it.

i call this the rebirth of theon greyjoy. if you could imagine a cool r&b soundtrack here it'd be sweet. ur the best.

so i'm getting it on with some sea cow - sorry, it's a female on the ship. i went too far. anyway, afterwards she's all clingy and shit, and i'm like "don't be trippin'."

"but theon," she sez, "i could be your one and only. i could make u laugh and make u smile and stand there and look good 4 u."

"nah," i say. "i already have someone like that. and besides, you look like a manatee." i pull on my robe and boots and leave the room before she has a chance to say a word. the smoke of my cigar fills tha ship.

then i see it. the rocks, the houses, the grass, the dirt, the dancing flamingos. just making sure you're paying attention.

"its … home." i say as i put out my cigar and pull out another one. thats right guys. this is my shining moment. im here at the iron islands. my iron islands that i will one day rule. yup, the heir is back bitches! i get off the dock and …. and …. *crickets*

where is the fanfare? where are the people falling to their knees? where are the celebratory hot pockets?

"AHEM." I clear my throat. ppl walk right past me with their goats and cabbages and whatever stupid thing. there are a couple guys sleeping on an ironing board. like, all stacked up. this is a sacred tradition of the iron islands but still i forgot how weird it looked. so everyone is ignoring me and if you see a tear its just raining. shut up. but then … then there was someone who noticed me. yes, someone in the crowd eyeing me with dem eyes and dem … pupils. mmm mmm. my eyes trace the sensual curves of her chin. curvy chins are hot. i don't even need to walk up to her because she walks up 2 me.

"why hello … hot, handsome studmuffin chilli pepper." she says hotly.

"hello yourself" I say suavely … putting my elbow on a convenient wooden pillar and tucking a foot behind my other foot. yeaaaah. B-)

"i have never seen a man so … so … smexy."

"did you just say smexy"

"no. anyway i just couldn't help but notice u." she puts a hand on my cheek …. down my neck … down the collar of my leopard print shirt that i put on earlier.

"well well well … isn't that a coincidence. i'd notice me too." i give her a dangerous smile. it's got nothing on the old joffrey smile but i'm working my way up.

"well then … shall we go somewhere more … commmmmfortttabllllllelelelelee."

i can feel something in my pants. it's … it's … oh, nope, it's a dollar. i wonder when i put it there. anyway id better stop fishing around i n my pockets. *laff trak*

"yes … iw old like that verrrry mucccchhhhhh." i draw my words out just like her. everythings sexier when you say it slower. try it with me. hellllloooooo theeeeerrrre. i lllloooove robbbbbbbbb sttttaaaaa-ah that was just an example. you know for u and stuff. haha. ha. keep practicing you scamp.

"where are the hot places in town" she says "whats new and current and in and hip and with it."

"ummmm well …" sweat falls off my face like stuff that falls off of faces. you see its been ten years since i was kidnapped by the good guys. but this is my home. i remember it like always.

"well you see … us greyjoys," i puff up my chest like a regal penguin, "like to find old fish markets …. those back rooms are full of … crabs and fish." the words roll sexily off my tongue. i can tell she's into it.

"oh i see. well what r u waiting for, my super handsome super hot delicious delectable yum yum." she runs her hands down my chest. all the way there she can't stop grabbing my butt, fondling under my shirt and even grabbing my … you know … little cracken. but i'll spare u the details. they're too hot 4 u anyway. but in the back room we find she totally jumps me. she's super hot and she's all over me, playa. we frickity frack in the back of the shack. ;) so here are some symbols to let u know its a smooth sensual scene change

"that was amazing…."

"yup. id have to say im pretty talented. all that pent up rage and homicidal thoughts rlly helps with the performance. did i tell u? i'm … prince. theon. thats right. im prince theon yes im the real theon all the other prince theons are … not me." i stand up. "what do you say to that…."

"i say …" she stands slowly … "PSYCHE!"

"wait what"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT A LOSER OMG."

"um i'm not following"

"you don't recognize me Theon? you totally fell for it. wowwwww #humiliated #pranksterz #ashawins"

"wait, what was that last hashtag?"

"thats right theon … its me. your sister. YOU TOTALLY HUMILIATED YOURSELF BRO."

"but … you slept with me."

"that's the JOKE. you were totally PRANKED." she is pointing and laughing. slapping her naked thigh as tears of joy roll down her face.

"how is it a prank if you hit on m-"

"OH WOW I GOT YOU GOOD!" she starts doing a victory dance. i am feeling ill.

"but you grabbed my junk and you-"

"wow you must feel so embarrassed right now. i'm so telling everyone about thissss" she says in singsong.

"yeah but you-"

"see you family dinner tonite. be there…." a smoke bomb goes off. asha is gone.

what the fuck.

minor setback. i do my princely walk up the stairs, boombox on my shoulder. the cigar is in my mouth, and the shutter shades are on. i fished them out of the water earlier becuz i couldn't part with them and you know, they still work. with my image and stuff. i'm so hard. not like that. in the thug way. yeah. #greyjoy

my dad comes down the stairs. he doesn't smile but hey that's cool. neither did mona lisa and she was pretty hot. wait.

"theon greyjoy … or should i say … then greyly?"

"what?"

"thats what autocorrect keeps thinking your name is."

"oh ok."

"nevermind. i was going to say … theon stark."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOooooOoooooooOOOOOO!"

"are you drunk"

"no"

"are u sure"

"yea"

"alright son. i will not have any fluffy weak wolf babies in my castle."

"you know a wolf could eat a cracken. it could kill it in one bite. you … do realize that right?"

"what was that, son?"

"nothing. what's dead may never die."

"…what kind of fuckery is that anyway. 'whats dead may never die'. who came up with that. anyway i'm glad u remember our words. but do you remember the alternative words?"

i gulp. slowly, i say the words. "people die when they are killed."

"good. now, whats the news. scratch that, heres a feast."

he pulls a curtain. there are a lot of people! chairs! walls! candles! WOMEN! what is this.

"everyone i want u to meet theon. you may not know him … he's just …. someoNE WHOSE BALLS WERE TOUCHED BY HIS SISTER!"

"Haaaaaahaaaaaaaa!" every1 jeers at me. pointing at me. ash is there too, laughing. his pikachu is laughing too. oh and asha is here as well.

"well well theon, u think ur a prince? PRINCE THIS!" my dad starts vomiting. the greyjoys are doing the worm on their tables and the food is flying everywhere. one guy in the back is like "caw! cawwww!" and skewers himself with a decorative toothpick. i remember how fucked up my family is … but it does not stop me. people die when they are killed. i am one of them. rising again harder … and stronger … ;)

"people people plz!" i say. "is this any way to treat the homecoming queen? i mean … you know what i mean. i'm back! i'm here! i've arrived! look how big i've grown!"

"fatass" they say. "caw caw" says that one guy in the back. im going to have to ask him to leave.

"ok you know what … if this is how im treated i should just resign right now."

"you don't have to. asha is my air now."

"heir."

"what?"

"its spelled air jackass."

"DON'T U TALK TO ME THAT WAAYAAYYAYAYYYYYY!" he inflates randomly. o.o ok then. i escape to my chambers. they didn't say one word about my new threads or my glasses or anYTHING. i am DONE. i'm so angry i could … i could … nah, i'd never do an awful thing like that.

: ) never

: ) … ever ….

:)))))))))))))))) ever.