Sneaking out the bedroom cursing, tripping on his stuff. Looking for my car keys while I'm pulling my jeans up. I make sure I'm out before I turn my phone back on: I've got five missed calls.
He got off the bed, pulling on his boxers and walking out to the living room. He rummaged through his satchel, taking out a notebook and pen. He knew he couldn't sum everything up that happened into a note, but he was definitely going to try, especially considering his fear of confrontation. He thought long and hard before writing down his entire apology, taking up several pages. Exhaling, he took them out of the notebook, folding them and sticking them in an envelope. Walking back into the bedroom, he propped the envelope up on his alarm clock. He looked down at the sleeping Mason and got a heavy feeling in his gut. With what he did tonight, he didn't just get back at Derek, he drove away two people that meant something to him.
He stumbled around, gathering up his clothes and getting dressed as quickly as he could. He grabbed his car keys off the floor beside his pants, before pulling them on. He took one final look at Mason before sighing, tying his shoes and walking out of the apartment. As he got in the car, he remembered turning his phone off and reached in his bag for it. Pulling it out of his bag, he turned it on as he started his car.
"Please don't tell me he called. Please don't tell me he called. Please don't tell me called," he mumbled to himself, watching as the phone loaded. He felt relieved when he saw the phone start up with no notifications, but it was short-lived when it beeped a few seconds later. He screwed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath, before checking the notifications. They were all missed calls – five of them, all from Derek. Sure, he was thankful that none of them were the team letting him know there was a case and thus, putting him in deep trouble at work, but the fact that Derek wanted to talk to him that many times and he was preoccupied in somebody else's bed made his stomach turn.
Can't believe what I just did I lost myself tonight. I just gotta get to you, the guilt's making me drive. I stumble in, I wake you up, but when you look at me I just can't speak.
He swallowed, doing his best to compose himself, but doing a miserable job. He couldn't let Derek see him upset, then he'd know exactly what he did that night, and that would lead to an argument where he was definitely in the wrong. In his mind, he just had to get to Derek and spend the night with him. Wiping his eyes, he exhaled, pulling up to Derek's apartment building. He wrung his hands on the steering wheel a few times before taking a deep breath, grabbing his go-bag from the backseat and getting out.
When he made it to Derek's door, he dug through his bag for the key to his apartment, trying to push his nerves aside. Putting the key in the lock, he sighed, unlocking it and walking inside. He looked around the apartment and saw that it was pitch black, though he could hear Clooney running up to him. He bent down, scratching behind his ear and smiling to himself. The one thing he could always count on was Clooney missing him, and if Derek took this the wrong way, it was one thing about their relationship he was definitely going to miss.
He stood up, straightening himself, with the full intention of walking into the bedroom and confessing what he'd just done. He took a few breaths before walking toward the bedroom, ready to put it out there, because the longer he hid it, the worse it would be. When the door opened, he froze.
"Hey, Spencer. I didn't know you were coming by," Derek said hazily, running a hand over his scalp.
He stood there, dumbstruck, unsure of what he was doing. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out.
'Cause you're the only one, the only one, who ever gave a damn. And it's killing me to know you think I'm better than I am. Came over here to tell the truth, but lookin' in your eyes. Baby sometimes, it's easier to lie.
"Listen, about everything," Derek started, leaning against the doorframe. "I'm sorry. I should've known that the kid was just looking for some guidance and a role model, and you're a hell of a role model for him to choose. I'm sorry for automatically getting jealous of the two of you. It was wrong."
Spencer bit his lip, still trying to form words unsuccessfully.
"And I understand that sometimes I can be a lot to deal with. I appreciate your honesty, and I'm sorry if I've ever offended you with my actions."
Now is your chance, Spencer. Put it out there. He'll be mad, but not nearly as mad as he will be if you keep this is a secret from him. It'll tear him up inside and you know it.
"It wasn't fair for me to go after you or say anything about Mason. Considering how many times I've made myself look like a jackass, you didn't deserve it."
Spencer, for the love of God, he's giving you an in, take it.
"I just need to take Clooney for a walk, then we can talk, if that's okay with you?"
All he could do was nod, and he pushed past Derek to walk into the bedroom. When he heard Derek leave the apartment, he took the opportunity to hop in the shower, cleaning off the smell of sex. The entire time, he allowed himself to cry, getting everything out of his system before Derek could come back and see him upset. Usually, if Derek saw him like this, he wouldn't stop bothering him until he knew why. He absolutely couldn't handle doing that tonight, especially considering his actions.
He stepped out, drying himself and wrapping a towel around his waist. He wiped off some of the steam on the mirror, staring at his reflection. In that moment, he had never hated himself so much. After everything he'd been through, including narcotic addiction and withdrawals, he never disliked himself to this extent. He gripped the counter, willing himself not to get upset again. When Derek came back, plain and simple, he had to tell him the truth. He had to find a way to put it out there and deal with the repercussions, before it got to a point where he found out from somebody else. Rossi had seen the two of them at the restaurant, and even if he wasn't an expert profiler, he could probably put two and two together.
"Spencer?" Derek called out, hanging up Clooney's leash and tossing him a treat.
He cleared his throat, shaking his head. "I just needed to take a quick shower, I'll be there in a minute."
"What, you didn't want me to join you?"
He laughed nervously. "Sorry, I just really want to get some sleep. It's been a long day," he called out, drying himself off and opening his go-bag, taking out his pajamas and getting dressed. He took one final look in the mirror before sighing, shaking his head and turning away, walking toward the bedroom.
You know that I've been crying so you ask what's going on. Your arm's around my shoulder you've got no clue what I've done. 'Cause you don't see the guilt in me, and that just makes it worse. Yeah it just makes it worse.
Spencer leaned against the headboard, arms crossed, still trying to think of a way to put everything out on the table without Derek hating him. When he heard Derek walking toward the bedroom, he closed his eyes, exhaling.
"Everything okay?" Derek asked, kicking off his shoes and setting them beside the bed.
He gave him a slight nod. "It's just a headache, I'm fine."
"You sure you don't need anything for it? I have some stuff in the medicine cabinet I could grab for you-"
"I'm fine, really. It'll pass. They always do."
Derek looked at him cautiously, before sitting down next to him, pulling the blanket over their legs and mimicking Spencer's position.
He glanced over at him and smiled slightly. "Yes, dear?"
"Rossi said he saw you two out at some restaurant tonight."
He swallowed, chewing on his cheek. "Oh?"
"Told me that you spent all afternoon helping him finish his dissertation for his Criminology class, and he took you out to dinner to thank you."
He nodded slightly. "I offered, considering I had a few glasses of wine with dinner, but I helped him so much with his work that he wanted to somehow repay me."
"Is that why you're getting in so late?"
He quickly shook his head. "We were having a discussion about the job and we didn't want it to end at the restaurant, so we went back to his place to talk about past cases, so he knows exactly what to expect when he comes to the bureau… or so he at least has a general idea. Going into this job blind is definitely intimidating, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody."
Derek smirked. "Isn't that the truth?"
He sighed, willing himself not to get upset again. He could feel himself tearing up and knew that's the one thing Derek couldn't see from him right now. He tried to push it away, but was failing miserably.
Derek turned to face him, eyebrow raised. "Hey, are you okay?"
He licked his lips, nodding and taking a shaky breath. "I'm fine," he said, quickly wiping his eyes and dismissing it, sniffling.
Derek reached a hand over, running his thumb under Spencer's eye. "Crying doesn't mean you're fine, Spencer. Come on." He wrapped an arm around his shoulder, rubbing his arm. "You can tell me what's wrong, I promise."
How exactly does one put 'I slept with somebody else to get back at you' into words without causing any form of backlash?
Derek squeezed his arm reassuringly, before resuming rubbing it. "It's okay, Spencer."
He sighed, leaning his head over and resting it on Derek's shoulder.
"Did something happen with Mason tonight?"
He bit down on his lip, screwing his eyes shut and nodding slightly.
"What's wrong? What happened?"
He looked up at Derek and saw the concern written all over his face. The self-loathing was currently at an all-time high and he had to swallow the bile coming up his throat at the thought of what he did. He shook his head, getting the thoughts out of his head, at least temporarily. "We talked about old cases that I took personally, and I remembered Adam Jackson and Tobias Hankel, and-"
Derek put a finger to his lips. "You don't need to say anything else." He wrapped his other arm around Spencer, pulling him closer to him and kissing the top of his head. Spencer blinked away tears as Derek comforted him, doing his best to make him feel better, even though he didn't deserve it.
"I'm sorry," he choked out, sniffing. "I'm so sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry about, Pretty Boy," he whispered, placing a kiss on his temple and rubbing his back. "It happens, and we've all done it before. Anyone on the team who says they haven't cried over a case is a liar. We've all taken it home with us, and we've all had a case affect us, though yours are definitely better left in the back of your head somewhere, away from that super brain."
He smiled slightly, sniffing and nodding. He didn't know why, but he was accepting Derek making him feel better, even though it was the last thing he needed or deserved right now. Derek continued to calm him down until his breathing had slowed down again. He pulled the two of them down and pulled Spencer's body against his, kissing the top of his head and rubbing circles on his back.
"You're fine, Spencer," he whispered. "You're safe, and nothing's going to hurt you. I'm here, I promise."
He sniffed, nodding against Derek's chest and sighing. He wasn't fine, his relationship wasn't safe, and he was pretty sure Derek would hurt him, emotionally, if he ever found out what happened. He definitely knew that he wouldn't be there anymore if he'd told the truth, so for the time being, it was easier to just live a lie and let Derek think what he wanted. The question was how long he'd be able to live with himself doing this.
'Cause you're the only one, the only one, who ever gave a damn. And it's killing me to know you think I'm better than I am. Came over here to tell the truth, but lookin' in your eyes. Baby sometimes it's easier to lie. It's easier to lie. It's so easy.
Spencer woke up sometime later and saw Derek fast asleep beside him. He tried pulling away from his grip, but that only made him hold on tighter. He sighed, thinking to himself. He could tell Derek the truth right now and deal with the consequences, and still be able to salvage their relationship. He cleared his throat, nudging Derek's shoulder.
"Derek," he whispered, leaning over and placing a kiss on his cheek.
"Hm?" he mumbled, still half-asleep.
Spencer chewed on his cheek, leaning over and kissing him on the lips. When the kiss was returned, he smiled to himself, pulling back.
Derek opened his eyes, looking at him. "Yes, Pretty Boy?" he asked, his voice raspy.
He took a deep breath, opening his mouth, but once again, nothing came out. He sighed, biting his lip. "…I love you."
Derek smirked, kissing his forehead. "I love you too." He kept his grip on Spencer as he fell asleep again, and all Spencer could do was sit awake and think.
Throughout the night, he went through several scenarios in his head. In some of them, Derek took the news well and forgave him, and he could only hope that would be the outcome when it did actually happen. Unfortunately, there were other scenarios much closer to what probably would happen, in which Derek yelled, screamed, broke up with him, and never forgave him for what he did, making both of their work situations extremely awkward.
After this, most of the night was spent figuring out a way to tell him. Yes, lying seemed to be a good option, but he could only do it for so long. There had to come a point where he told him the truth, sooner rather than later. He contemplated several ways to go about telling him, but nothing seemed to feel right – then again, nothing about being in this situation felt right either. When he finally came up with something that he deemed acceptable, he sighed, moving closer to him.
"I may be half-asleep, Spencer, but I can still hear you thinking over here," he mumbled.
Spencer yawned. "It's actually impossible to hear somebody think, Derek, unless you possess the power of telepathy, which I highly doubt, or just being around me would put you to sleep on a daily basis." Derek snored loudly, mocking him and Spencer swatted his hand at his chest. "You're not funny."
"I happen to think I'm hilarious." He pulled Spencer closer, running his fingers through his hair. "Now go to sleep."
He nodded slightly, resting his head on Derek's shoulder and finally getting some much needed sleep.
The next morning, he woke up early. He slipped out of Derek's arms after some difficulty, walking out to the kitchen and turning on the coffeemaker. Derek's mother had once told him the way to Derek's heart was through his stomach, and he was definitely going to test that theory. He looked through the fridge, taking out as many as ingredients as he could find to make a big breakfast. Within a half hour, he'd successfully made bacon, fruit salad, oatmeal, scrambled eggs, toast, and pancakes. He felt proud of himself and set everything out on the table, before walking to the bedroom and leaning over Derek, kissing his cheek.
"Hm?" Derek asked, head still buried in his pillow.
"Breakfast is waiting," he whispered, kissing his cheek.
"Breakfast you say?" Derek said, sitting up and stretching.
"All of your favorites," Spencer confirmed. "Now are you going to get out of bed, or are you going to let Clooney find his way on the table and enjoy it for himself?"
He smirked, leaning over and kissing Spencer's cheek, before getting out of bed, walking out to the kitchen.
Spencer took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he had to do next, and walked out to the kitchen, sitting across from Derek.
"Do you like it?"
"This looks amazing. What's the occasion?"
He chewed on his cheek. "Just because."
"Well, I appreciate it." He filled up his plate and started eating, and Spencer hoped the news would be better taken on a full stomach.
While Derek was eating, Spencer was debating in his mind whether he should tell him. If he did, he'd definitely be furious, and he was almost positive he wouldn't be in a relationship anymore. If he delayed it as long as possible, he could maybe soften the blow later down the road. However, if he waited, he also faced the possibility of him finding out from someone else. Mason had been a nice, kind-hearted person, but he doubted that would remain when he woke up in the morning to an empty bed and a long letter on his nightstand filled with apologies. He hadn't exactly met Derek, but he'd met Rossi, and he couldn't get something Derek once said out of his head. Cops talk. Pissed off cops talk loud. While they weren't exactly cops, they were agents, and agents often talked about their personal lives, considering they didn't get much of them with the job. He could tell somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody on the team. Derek finding out through the grapevine was definitely going to be more painful in the end, and he knew he had to tell him.
After breakfast, they sat on the couch together, watching a movie. Spencer kept to himself, trying to figure out the best way to go about it. He'd already lied to Derek last night and this morning, so he didn't need to do it anymore. The key to their relationship was honesty, and he needed to stop lying at this point in time. He had his head rested on Derek's shoulder and stared at the television, not taking it in. Instead, he was focused on finding the one answer he didn't have.
Sometime later, Derek looked down at him, running a hand through his hair.
"Are you still with me?"
He nodded slightly, putting a finger to his lips and pointing to the screen. When Derek smirked and patted his arm, he cursed to himself. He had just told himself that he needed to stop lying, and he just did it again. The lying had to stop, and the truth needed to come out, soon. He continued watching the movie with Derek, finally paying attention to it. Much like every other movie Derek chose for them to watch, it was an action movie with little to no plot and a lot of violence. Spencer never said anything, because he knew it was what Derek enjoyed, though he didn't know why, considering their lives were filled with action and violence. He liked it when Derek would choose a comedy for the two of them, because then at least he could get a laugh out of it.
When the movie was over, Derek shrugged his shoulder, which caused Spencer's head to shoot up.
"You okay, my little gopher? You were quiet during the movie. It was shot in D.C. and I didn't even hear one inaccuracy coming from your mouth. What's watching a movie if I don't have you telling me everything they did wrong?"
He smiled slightly, shrugging. "Sorry."
"Did you have too many drinks last night?"
He shook his head. "Just a little tired. I'm fine."
Derek looked at him, concerned, before getting up and walking to the kitchen, looking through the cabinets. "I was thinking I'll make dinner tonight, and maybe tomorrow morning before work, we can stop at that little coffee shop you love so much."
"…Why?"
"Because I've been acting like a real jackass, and you deserve to be treated right."
He sighed, shaking his head. "I don't."
"What are you talking about? Spencer, you're one of the nicest, understanding, brightest people that I know. I've been a jerk, and I'm sorry."
"Don't," he said softly.
"Really, I am. You don't deserve a boyfriend who acts like a dick in public when he's had a drink or two. You deserve someone who treats you like you matter, and that you're the only one, and-"
Spencer groaned. "I don't deserve anything, Derek. I don't. I'm not worth being treated like I matter, and I'm the single worst person on the face of this planet."
"…Spencer, what's wrong?" he asked, walking toward the living room.
Spencer put his hands up, stepping back from him. "Don't."
"Spencer-"
He knew he had to come right out and saw it. He screwed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath. "…I cheated."