The tip of my nose was freezing cold. I had been sitting still so long that I hadn't even noticed. Despite the thick yellow cashmere blanket I had wrapped around my legs the air was chilly. The bay window in my room had an incredible view I rarely took the time to appreciate. The lake that I had loved my whole life was visible off in the distance. It was completely covered with a new inch of fluffy white snow. Ice crystals glistened and sparkled reflecting the light from the rising sun.

This was my third day home and I had yet to leave the house. I was content to sulk.

Leaving the resort had been non eventful. Jill cried a little and Abe looked sad, but I had felt numb since the day before. My father hadn't spoken to me in days. The entire way home he was silent and detached. I'm not sure if it was because he was disappointed in my choices or because he couldn't protect me from them.

Shockingly, my mother was so happy that we were home safely in one piece that my tattoo didn't even phase her. Her only comment was that she was glad it wasn't a tramp stamp. Her unusual joke couldn't even crack my fathers mood.

We arrived home on Sunday night and I went directly up to my room. Jet lag and the time change had gotten me a pass for holding up in there for the past two days. I had grown comfortable to my fleece Tinkerbell pajama bottoms and multicolored socks. My new diet of hot pockets and orange soda hadn't raised any flags for my mother. Sensing my mood she hadn't commented or tried to guilt me into a healthy spinach salad.

I was going to be a contender for the worlds worst friend award. Several of my friends from home had called me in the last few days excited to have me back. Particularly my best friend Aubree had left a few desperate messages, but I couldn't bring myself to call anyone back. It wasn't that I was upset with them, I just didn't have anything to say. I didn't want to chat or hear any of the gossip I had missed. It wouldn't be hard for them to see something was very different about me and they wouldn't be wrong. Especially Aubree would see right through me. There was no easy way to fix me or my mood and I knew everyone would try. A perpetual emptiness had settled its self in my stomach. Nothing I did seemed to numb it or me, even a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Walking around like vacant shell was surprisingly exhausting.

Even though we were now on completely different sleep schedules Mathew and Paisley had been my constant companions. When Paisley called me I could hear the concern in her voice. Mathew had called me a bunch of times, but his motivations were yet to be determined. I was happy to hear from him and make sure that he hadn't gotten himself in anymore trouble, but we both avoided the elephant in the room. I hadn't actually talked to him about his fight with Mason because then I would have to admit I cared.

Paisley had emailed me a group of pictures she had taken on New Year's Eve. Most of them were all of us dancing and looking fabulous, but one picture of Mason and I had slipped through her edit. I'm not sure what I expected to see in the picture, but we seemed happy. Mason didn't look distant, he seemed genuinely happy. Surprisingly, that felt like just as big of a punch in the jut. I stared at the picture for almost an hour before I deleted it. If my mother hadn't knocked on the door I might still be looking at it. I was totally dazed after that. It felt like I was wearing someone else's body, even breathing felt wrong.

On Sunday Alex sent me a few emails and a friend request. Trying to prove to us both I was okay I had sent him a few web sights that I thought could help him learn to read music. We chatted on line once and thankfully he didn't mention his brother. I had gotten the play by play of Mason and Mathew's fight first hand from Paisley. Mostly it just pissed me off. Those stupid boys had no idea what they were even fighting over.

Paris,

It seems strange not seeing you everyday. I can honestly say that I miss you, and I'm not the only one. Things have been strange and tense since we got back. I hope that things are going back to normal for you. Classes started back yesterday. We have mixed combat class this semester which just means that the older kids get to beat on us. They basically leave me alone because Mason is there, but some poor girl actually got knocked out yesterday. Can you believe that?

Keep in Touch,

Alex

Alex,

Things here at home have been strange too. It's typical after a long vacation for things to take awhile before they feel normal again. We haven't started school back yet because the weather has been terrible. I've had some time to unpack and relax. I'm having trouble pulling myself out of bed. It's harder to get back on a day schedual than you would think.

Geez I thought my classes were challenging! Please be careful! All you need is some idiot to scramble your brains! I'm attaching a couple of good web sights that you should check out. They have interactive games that can teach you to read music. Let me know what you think. Thanks for checking on me but, please don't feel obligated.

Take care,

Paris

Today school was back in session and as much as I wanted to spend another day staring out the window I needed to get moving. A typical New York winter ice storm had saved me. Our flight had been lucky to get in. The storm hit late in the night delaying some and canceling most of the incoming weekend flights. We were all accustomed to functioning in snow and most of the winter the snow banks towered higher than mini vans, but ice could be crippling.

I needed to get in the shower and move in the direction of the living. There was no way my mother was going to let me out of the house until I ate something. My lack of appetite would be a red flag for her. Forcing my legs to move I cleaned up and dressed carefully. Despite it being winter my school was known to get incredibly hot. When I came out I noticed Ben sitting at the end of my bed. His was focused on his fingers as he slowly cracked each knuckle.

A thick cloud of stream followed me out of the bathroom sending steam into the cool room. "What are you doing up so early?" I asked him. "Your bus doesn't come at least an hour."

He flashed me annoyed look. "Mom wants to take me to school. You know how she doesn't trust the buses in this weather."

I nodded. I was surprised that they were going to let me drive. I raised an eyebrow at him "You look worried. What's up?"

"I don't know Paris? Things have been weird since you got back. You've been hiding in your room and Dad has been walking around like zombie. I don't think that he's even slept," Ben blurted out quickly.

"I know," I said giving him my best encouraging smile, "but it was a long trip for us both. It"s just taking us a little while to get back into the swing of things." Even I couldn't pretend my words were truthful.

"You don't have to treat me like a little kid you know," Ben glared at me as he stood up. His eyes surprisingly close to level with mine. I may be almost six years older than him, but he was growing so quickly he was already the same height as my mom. "I know where you went and why you went there. Was it our grandmother? Was she that terrible?"

"No," I said softly, "she was not really what I had expected. She was actually kind of nice to me."

"Was it Abe, is he sick?"

I let out a the breath I didn't know I was holding. "No, Ben I never took you to be the dramatic one in the family, Abe's fine."

"Then what was it," he demanded, "what's wrong?"

"I don't know how to explain it. I just feel different."

"Great I can't even trust you to tell me the truth!"

"I'm telling you the truth and you know I have never treated you like a baby."

Ben looked sullen. "I just want to understand. It's my family too."

"I promise I'll explain it to you the best I can, but I'm going to be late," I pacified him gesturing to the bright red numbers on my ihome.

Ben nodded and walked down the hallway to his room. Ben and I each had a bedroom in the upstairs of the house separated by two guest bedrooms. My parents shared a master suite in the back of the main level. Their room had less windows and was easier for my father to shut all the light during the day. Each room on the upper level had a wonderful view of the lake, but my room was the only room that had door opening to a small patio. When the weather was warm I could open the doors and feel the breeze off the water.

Guilt turned in my stomach as I made my way down the large staircase and turned into the kitchen. My mother was bustling around as I took my normal seat at the breakfast bar. She had a thick camel colored pashmina covering her shoulders and thick wool slippers on her feet. The cold weather always seemed to hit her harder than the rest of us. With a warm smile she placed a steaming bowl of something that she had probably spent the last hour making.

"Ready to get back into the swing of things Paris?" Mom paused looking down at me. A hopeful expression crossed her face as her blonde hair fell to frame her face.

Without out responding I turned to my breakfast, I pushed the oatmeal around in my bowl and tried to stomach what I could. Even the homemade apple spices didn't seem appetizing. More guilt crawled across my skin as I managed to dump most of it down the garbage disposal undetected.

"Hey Paris." I turned to see my mother's smiling face. "Chin up okay? It's school, you love school. All your friends will be there and everything is going back to normal."

I nodded unconvincingly. "Yeah you're right I love school."

From the mud room window I could hear the wind whipping the branches of the trees. I dug out my book bag that had been buried under a heap of Ben's athletic gear over the holiday. I pulled on my thick boots fur lined boots and found a bright pink coat hanging neatly on one of the hooks. It was one of the coats my grandmother had forced on me, but it was warm and comfortable. In my own way I was able to sneak a part of her with me.

"Paris," the deep tenor of my father's voice startled me. Turning around I was confused to see him dressed a heavy coat and boots. "Let's go. It's going to take awhile to get to school with all of the ice and snow drifts." He turned and pushed the auto start button for the Range Rover sitting in the driveway.

"You're taking me to school?" I managed to squeak out.

Opening the door and motioning for me to move past him, my father didn't meet my eyes. He was still obviously annoyed or upset with me. I wasn't actually sure which one because this was the most we had spoken in days. "We have a few things to discuss."

Tinny tornadoes of dead leaves were spinning along the tree line as I climbed into the passenger seat of the car. The frigid cold seeped from the leather seats making my whole body shiver. After strapping in and switching on the button for the seat warmer I turned my eyes back to my father. He deftly pulled the car down the long driveway toward the main road. The simple beauty of the glinting ice covered lake couldn't even help the somber mood circulating in the car.

"I'm surprised you are still awake or did you sleep last night?"

My father reached back to rub the back of his neck. "I haven't slept. You aren't the only one having trouble adjusting to being home."

"Okay?" I responded as the car finally made it's way onto the main road. The snow and slosh crunched under the tires.

"I've spent the last three days thinking Paris. Really thinking," he said as he pulled up to the only stop light between our house and the school. "We need to put it all behind us. Everything that we saw, everything we did at the resort, it's over and done with. Forget about it."

My heart started racing at my father's words. "Everything."

"Yes," he nodded and turned back and continued down the road. "You don't need to get upset about this Paris. It's for the best. I made a mistake taking you there. It isn't the life I want for you. Trust me I lived it, I know."

"What about my grandmother, are we just going to forget she exists?" A million questions started to swirl around in my head. "You don't want me to talk to Paisley or Mathew or Alex?" I stuttered my voice had taking on a panicked quality that I was sure my father was picking up on.

"I'm not telling you that you can't talk to your new friends," he sighed as the car pulled into the parking lot. "I just want you to go back to your old life. It's okay to go back to the Paris you used to be. The one that lived a normal life. You have friends here too remember."

I let out a long breath and looked up at my father who was smiling at me for the first time in what seemed like forever.

"You don't need your grandmother in your life. You have spent the last sixteen years happily ignoring her existence it shouldn't be hard to continue. This whole experience has gotten us both all twisted up inside and it isn't healthy. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Sure." I said slipping out of the door.

With a smile my father offered, "I'll pick you up at 2:30."

"O' that's okay I can ride the bus or get a ride," I waved him off, "get some sleep."

"Just call me if you need a lift."

I waved goodbye and wandered into the school like I wasn't even sure where I was going. People were moving around me, waving and smiling at me, but I had finally had too much. The numbness in my chest was now spreading into my hands and feet and I had to concentrate on walking to make my feet keep moving. My father thought that he was lifting a burden from me, but he was placing a whole new one in my path.

Pulling my coat off I could feel my phone buzzing in my pocket. Stopping at my locker I quickly read:

Mathew: Hey stranger, it was a crazy long night. I'll call you when I wake up. Paisley sends her love. I'm glad to hear you finally have school today. Wouldn't want you to lose any of your brilliance. You wouldn't be any use to me then. Chin up sunshine!"

I shoved my phone in my locker before one of the teachers caught me. I pulled off my coat and grabbed for a few different books not even glancing at the subjects.

"Hey Paris! Anyone home?" I looked up to see Aubree my long time best friend gaping at me. She was looking at me with her beautiful dark chocolate colored eyes.

"O" I cleared my quiet voice, "yeah I'm fine. Why?"

"Well," she said slowly, "I said your name four times before you looked up. I also called you twice yesterday and once this morning. You didn't answer. In the thirteen years I've known you I'm not sure that there has been one time you didn't answer. So you could see how that would concern me."

"I'm sorry Aubree," I whined grabbing onto my locker door for support.

"Paris are you having a panic attack?" she said looking me over. "You are super pale, even for you. When my mother starts breathing all quick and shallow like that I get her the blue pills from her bathroom."

"Is that the technical term for it? I thought I was just freaking out," I tried lamely to joke as I grabbed desperately to my locker door for support.

"O'hell Paris!" Aubree growled and reached for my hand. She linked her flawless cocoa colored fingers with mine and pulled me toward the nurses office. I had never been in the nurses office but the odd smell of stale tongue depressors and latex gloves made me wish I never would again.

A crunch of the paper surprised me as I plopped down on hard makeshift bed. Aubree pulled the privacy curtain around us and sat quietly beside me. "You want to fill me in on what's got you so upset."

Without speaking I shook my head.

"Girl you have been off the grid for almost two weeks and then you wander into school like a zombie!"

"I don't know what wrong with me," I panicked, "I can't eat. I feel jittery and nauseous all the time." I tucked my knees up underneath me. "I'm sad and I don't know how to fix it."

The scratching creak of the curtain was pulled open by a tall older woman in care bear scrubs. She looked down at me kindly. "Let me guess this has something to do with a boy?"

"No way!" Aubree said shaking her head disbelievingly, "Paris doesn't get boy crazy. She saves that for the rest of us."

"Paris huh don't think I've ever met you before," the nurse gave me another gentle smile.

"Yeah, um I don't get sick very often."

Nodding the nurse stepped back, "Well since you aren't one of my frequent flyers I'm going to give you a break and let you stay here until you feel up to leaving. But, if you are trying to avoid him you won't be able to do it forever. Sooner or later you'll have to face him. Let me know when you're ready I'll write you a pass." Closing the curtain behind her the nurse left to help a boy that had come limping in to the office.

"Is she right?" A slow almost relieved smile crept across her face, "Have you finally lost it over a guy?"

"No, I mean... I don' t know." I tried to stall, "I have definitely lost it, but it's complicated."

"Paris I've know you your whole life there isn't anything that I don't know."

I flinched at her naive words. "I guess I just don't feel right burdening you."

Aubree turned her body so that it was facing me directly, "You have got to be kidding. Do you remember last year when Conner Anderson dumped me and I used every tissue in your house. I think that your mom even went out and bought more for me."

"Yeah," I sighed glad she could laugh about it now. That had been a bad breakup for her and she was heartbroken for weeks. I remember being glad that I had never felt that way about a stupid teenage boy. "I met someone, but honestly that's not the whole story. See my father."

"Your father didn't like him," she cut he off, "I thought he liked everyone."

The bell resonated loudly in the small room catching my attention. "We have to go Bree that was the second bell."

Rolling her eyes. She knew I didn't like to break rules, "the nurse said she would write us an excuse."

"No, she said she would write me an excuse."

"No love for your best friend." Aubree stood up and glared down at me, "You and I have a date after school. I want all the details and if you have another freak out I expect a text."

"Deal. Really I'm fine," I lied again but by her expression Aubree wasn't buying it. "I need a ride home anyway," I agreed.

"You took the bus?"

Leaning over to grab my bag I avoided her eyes, "No my dad drove me."

"O' geez this is going to be quite a story. When the Ivashkov's have family drama they don't do it halfway."

Aubree had no idea how spot on she was.