A/N: Thanks so much for all the great reviews and feedback! I apologize that I still haven't updated 'arguable chemistry' yet if you follow that story. It's hard to balance three at a time, especially when they're all so different. This chapter is all Dan's POV, but that won't always be the case. First flashback takes place on their first night in Rome. I think that's all you need to know!
Told me I was like the dead sea, you'll never sink when you are with me.
"Buongiorno! May I start the lovely couple off with a bottle of wine?"
"Pinot Noir," Blair answers before Dan even has the chance to open the menu. As the waiter nods and walks away, he narrows his eyes at her.
"You know you can't be in control the entire trip. I'm the one who speaks Italian."
"So you have terrible taste in wine," her eyes gleam, "Sue me."
He wants to lean over the table in that moment, to press his lips to hers and feel her gasp against his mouth. In all of his pessimistic doubts and insecure fears, he never thought he would actually be sitting across the table from her at a restaurant in Rome. Her long curls are messy from the drive to their hotel and he can tell she's worried about it because her hands keep sliding over her head gently.
He's in love with her.
"I was thinking we could watch Roman Holiday in the room tonight, just take it easy and rest up for tomorrow."
Blair just stares at him without answering.
"What? Too cliche?"
"No, it's not that," she says quietly, her eyes warm, "I- I just, I think I… it's perfect, Dan."
He wants her to say it, wills her to say it. It's three words, he thinks. She looks so happy, he thinks.
She doesn't say it.
The rest of the night is laughs and big smiles and it makes him wonder how they got to this place, where he can rest his hand on the side of her neck and pull her in for a kiss. Waves crash and cover their bare feet as she nuzzles her head against his chest and they stare out at the water.
The moment would be perfect, if only…
"This is nice," her eyes meet his and she seems very comfortable in that moment.
Is this what it's like when she's happy? Her body, moving into his slowly for another kiss, her smile against his lips.
He spent a year of his life watching Blair choose between two men that each tended to one side of her. Chuck fueled her dark and manipulative ways, while Louis held her on a pedestal as a princess. Dan chose to see both sides in an effort to understand her, and it cost him his heart.
"Dan," her voice is soft as she says, "I love you."
At least, for now, his heart is full.
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Blair swishes water around her mouth and spits it out quickly before opening the door.
He looks different, not necessarily in a bad way, but not necessarily in a good way either.
"Hi," she says quietly, silently wishing she could be more composed in a moment like this.
"Can I get in there?" His eyes are apathetic. They have no spark, no concern, just a blank gaze. She had hoped, just maybe, that if she and Serena could make up and be friends again, maybe she and Dan could too.
It doesn't appear that way.
Blair doesn't reply, she just steps out of his way and watches as he slams the door in her face.
We were something beautiful once, she reminds herself.
It comforts her as she leans her back against the door and closes her eyes.
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He wakes up to her crying sometimes.
His t-shirt soaked in her tears, her cries muffled against his chest.
The first time it happens, he nudges her gently, asks what's wrong.
"I lost it," she whimpers, unable to control the tears, "I lost the baby."
Her hands rest on her stomach and Dan finds himself blinking back moisture from his own eyes as he watches her.
"That was months ago," he says quietly.
"I still feel it. I can still feel it inside me sometimes when I sleep."
He wonders, how she never mourned it before. Or if she did, and simply no one noticed. Her focus always seemed to be on Chuck and how the accident affected him. He had almost forgotten about the baby altogether.
But she hadn't.
Dan instinctively moves to wrap her tightly in his embrace while she cries herself to sleep.
"I love you," she'll say. "I'm so sorry," she'll say. He doesn't know if it's to him, or the one she lost.
In the end it doesn't matter.
Sometimes, she wakes up screaming that the baby had been ripped out of her.
He just listens to her cry.
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Carbonation in my drink, bubbles rise as my heart sinks
and all I tend to do is think of you
"They seem happy," Serena nudges his side gently and nods to Chuck and Blair.
In what sense of the word?
Blair looks like she hasn't seen food in days. If Serena knew her at all, she'd know that Blair looks absolutely miserable. Even with that fucking necklace around her neck.
He remembers it from Dorota's wedding, when he told her she deserved to be with someone who makes her happy.
It all seems quite pointless now.
Chuck on the other hand, looks as smug as ever.
The funny thing is, they're not touching. Chuck's leaning back against his chair lazily, while Blair is stiff as a board in her seat. They look uncomfortable. It makes him laugh in his head.
It also kind of makes him want to cry.
"Yeah," he tries to hide the sarcasm in his voice, "good for them."
He notices that Georgina is watching him watch Blair, so he quickly rolls his eyes and tears his gaze away.
Of course she's up to something.
Right as dinner is about to start, Nate and his "date" arrive. Long tan legs, golden blonde hair, crystal blue eyes.
Dan's starting to see a pattern.
Apparently Blair sees it too, because she snorts a laugh and asks, "Where did you find the doppleganger?"
Serena, Nate, and Serena #2 laugh uncomfortably as they take their seats. First Ivy, then Lola, now this girl. It's only gotten worse with time.
Georgina and Carter are whispering and laughing to themselves, his face buried in his hands as she glances around the table and meets his ear again.
They should all be concerned.
Dan decides to make the dinner interesting, so he creates a drinking game in which he drinks every time Chuck and Blair do something in-genuine. It's a pretty easy game. As Chuck rambles on about Bass Industries and the Empire, Blair smiles sweetly and rests her hand on his arm.
It's sad, really, how hard she has to work to convince everyone she's happy.
When the cater waiters begin serving food, Dan takes note of the irony that they're in the middle of the woods, yet it feels like they haven't even left the Upper East Side.
His drinking game fails, because Serena starts playing without realizing it. Carter won't take his eyes off of her and Nate is busy fawning over his look-a-like. Dan's ring is starting to lose its gleam.
Before he knows it, she's drunker than him.
"Let's go to our room," she slurs sloppily, her hair falling over his shoulder.
It doesn't sound like the worst idea.
Fucking Serena is easy.
She doesn't tell him what to do, doesn't play games with him, just lets out breathy moans and giggles.
It's actually quite pleasant.
He helps Serena up from her chair, but Georgina stops them immediately.
"Let's play a game," she says, her lips curling into a smile.
"We're not in high school anymore," Dan narrows his eyes at her.
"Sure we are, and this is my house. We're playing a game."
"Are you a five year old?"
They play 'never have I ever.'
This should go over well, he thinks.
The first few turns are pretty mild, about somewhat famous socialites that Chuck and Nate have had sex with or girls that Serena had lesbian moments with.
"Never have I ever fucked my best friend's boyfriend," Blair is obviously drunk if she has the courage to say that. The constantly-judging-breakfast-club laughs carelessly, and takes huge gulps from their drinks- as if to remind everyone else that they will never be a part of their secret circle of incest.
Then it's Nate's date's turn.
Dan can't remember her name.
Stacey? He doesn't really care.
"Hmmm," she looks around the room nervously, "Never have I ever had a pregnancy scare."
"Does a baby count?" Georgina asks, as they all start debating.
Dan can't focus, all he can see is Blair keeping her eyes closed as she lifts her drink to her lips and finishes it.
"This is a stupid game," he mumbles and takes his drink outside with him.
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"This is stupid," she huffs, "You told me that if I sat through 'La Dolce Vita' for the third time, we could go to the Remo Salvadori exhibit in Florence."
"Seriously, how are you still complaining?" Dan grips the steering wheel tightly as he glances over at her, "I swear you've been arguing with everything I've said or done for the past two weeks."
Blair is silent for a few minutes, and when he looks over again, she's started crying.
Finally, the moment he knew was coming all along. This whole year had just been building up to nothing. The fantasy was over. Blair was ready to go home.
"I'm late," She says so quietly that he can just barely hear it.
"You're what?"
"I'm late," she repeats, "three weeks."
It doesn't make sense. They were so careful, every time. He has no idea how to respond. Especially because part of him is a bit relieved that this isn't about her not wanting to be with him anymore. The prospect of them having a baby, well, it's not as though it hadn't crossed his mind. But he wanted them to plan it, together. That's what Blair would've wanted.
"Hey," he places his hand on her knee and gives it a gentle squeeze, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Why would I? I don't want it."
Dan flinches slightly as he stares out at the road, "You don't even know if there's an 'it' yet."
She just scoffs and looks out the window. They don't speak for the rest of the drive, until Dan parks the car and turns to her.
"Would it be the worst thing?" he starts, his hands shaking slightly. "Honestly, even if you are pregnant, would it be the worst thing? I'm in this for the long haul, I thought I made that clear to you."
"I can't go through it again," Blair says quietly, staring at her hands.
"But you'll have me to go through it with this time. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
Blair takes a deep breath and he can tell she's preparing for a fight, "Of course that means something to me, but it's not the same," her voice rises, "It's not going to replace what I've already lost."
"It's not supposed to! It would be ours, not yours."
"I'm not ready, okay? If it happens again, I'm not ready."
Then Dan does that one thing he does where he doesn't think before talking,
"I want to get married."
"Who are you? Chuck Bass? Marriage doesn't solve problems."
"Stop seeing this as a problem! Please, for once, can you just-"
But she's out of the car, the door slamming violently behind her.
He wants to go after her, but he's still angry and she's clearly still angry, so he stays in the car. She walks into a bar about a block down and he just sits in his car and waits. He ends up falling asleep and after two hours there's a knock on his window.
Her eyes are red and soaked with tears and opens the car door as quickly as possible.
His mouth moves to apologize, but she just silences him and says, "Just take me home, please."
So he does.
As they're laying in their bed, her head resting on his chest, she says, "Don't ask me to marry you again."
So he doesn't.