a/n:Disclaimer blablabla… hehe once again, I used some of the lines in book again… gah this chapter is super looonng!

Five stages of death... Denial (check), depression(check), bargaining(Peter! Drew! Caleb! Evelyn! Marcus! Christina? Maybe Tobias! Anyone but Tris!), anger(CHECK!), acceptance(NEVER!)

Chapter Fifty two

Tobias

"Four…" a soft touch on my shoulder stirs me awake, I raise my head off Tris' bed and look at who woke me up, mildly annoyed at myself for falling asleep. It was Cara, she looked wary. She was either looking at me or at the door. She looks so exhausted; the bags under her eyes are the proof to that. But I knew why, she, Matthew, and Caleb had been too busy helping out the bureau. I would have been able to help out if Tris wasn't in the state she's in.

In her eyes I could see my reflection in them. I have been trying my best to avoid the mirror because I was afraid of what I would see. I already know I look terrible but I didn't think I would look more horrible, sickly even. My hair is all sticking up all over the place, my face is covered with patchy facial hair and my eyes are darker under them. I look more exhausted than I feel. I look away from her and look at Tris again.

She's still sleeping, breathing steadily. Sixty hours, seven minutes, five seconds… still no change. I squeeze her hand softly; it is another secret prayer to her begging her to come back to me.

"Four…" Cara says again, a little louder this time so she'd get my attention.

I sigh. I forgot that Cara is here. It always happens when I look at Tris, she is all that matters to me now. I don't even care about what is going on outside of this room anymore. I only hear what everyone else is telling me but I don't comprehend them. "I'm sorry." I look back to her but not really looking at her.

She smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes, "It's alright…" she looks at the door again and I notice there are about six people outside the door, looking at me warily. I see the guy I accidentally punched when he woke me up too harshly and demanding me to leave. I didn't really mean to punch him though, I just had a bad dream about Tris and his voice sounded so much like David's. Exhaustion was the cause to that confusion. After that, no medical staff ever tried to wake me up if they needed to do tests on Tris only Cara or Christina tries to. They usually come do tests every eight hours or so.

I am glad that David is dead, that Caleb fatally shot him. I would have done it myself. I never thanked Caleb for that. I should. I look at the guy and I nod at him, he flinches and looks away. I don't blame him, I'd be afraid of me too.

Honestly, I am afraid of myself. I overheard Christina talking to Zeke yesterday, She told him that I was a time bomb ready to blow up at any second, she anticipated and she knows that nothing would good would come to it either destructive to others or to myself.

He still hasn't spoken to me since they unplugged Uriah. I was there watching them pull the wires, it was the first time I thought of someone else other than Tris. I thought about how I failed Zeke, that I broke a promise. I'd understand if Zeke never speak to me, I would welcome it actually. I don't want to leave anyone if I decide to end my suffering if Tris doesn't pull through this. Christina is right. I am unstable enough to not know what I would do. That guy was a proof to it.

I gave Tris another look and I kiss her forehead, whispering against her forehead that I'd be back. I could hear the fatigue on my hoarse voice but I know the exhaustion is because leaving her. Even if it's only for an hour, not the fact that in the past sixty hours I've only had a total of eight hours of sleep on and off.

I leave the room before I decide to change my mind again; everyone parts sideways to give way to me and far enough that if I decide to hit someone else they would be out of reach.

Even though the tests usually take about an hour, it devastates me to leave her alone with strangers. Christina, Cara, Matthew, or Amar that comes in and sits with Tris when they force me to either eat or take a shower, and as normally those things I do in a rush and I always come back to her side in less than twenty minutes. Caleb is the only person I don't trust to be alone with Tris. Though I am thankful that he killed David for Tris, I still don't forgive him for letting Tris sacrifice herself instead of him.

Sixty hours, thirty four minutes and forty six seconds, I count the time in my head again. Twenty more minutes till I can go back to Tris. I just let my feet take where ever it wants to go, I eventually would have to stop myself if I start recognizing the route back to her room. I had to mentally think about where I'm going so I wouldn't go to her room too early.

I couldn't watch them do tests on her, it hurts too much to see the needles poke at her, a big machine to test her brain waves, and more wires hooked up to her heart. I couldn't accept the fact that Tris is not just sleeping, she is actually sick and in a coma. In my mind I just think she's sleeping and anytime she'd just wake up. Look at me with those big knowing eyes of hers, smile her that beautiful smile that she has just for me and ask me what I've been doing to myself to look this horrible. Those tests wakes me up back to reality that there is a big chance that she will never wake up, that the longer she's hooked up to the machines, the lesser chance she's going to wake up… that at some point I have to make the decision of—

I can't even think it… not at all. I can't bring myself to let her go. Who am I to make the decision to end her life, to let her go?

But it's not your choice to let her suffer though to be in between life and death either… A firm voice says in my head, the more logical side of me that I've been ignoring. The logical side that would have listened to Tris' warning about Nita's plans—the plan that cost Uriah's life.

"Tobias?" A voice distracts me from my disturbing thoughts; I secretly want to thank them. But the quick reflex of my body tensing up and my fist clenching. The sudden urge to either run away from him or launch at him had entered my body and consumed me. Caleb.

So I decided to keep walking away before I do something rash.

"Tobias, please wait!" Caleb begs. I could hear him run after me.

I take a deep breath and I stop. I do not want to look at him, to measure how much or how little, he grieves for her. And I don't want to think about how she sacrificed herself for such a miserable coward, about how he wasn't worth her to almost sacrifice her life.

Still, I do look at him. His hair is unwashed and unkempt, his green eyes bloodshot, his mouth twitching into a frown. "I don't mean to bother you," He says, "But I have something to tell you. Something… she told me to tell you, before…" he looks up at me but his eyes are looking everywhere but my eyes.

"Just get on with it," I say, before he tries to finish the sentence. I wanted this over with as soon as possible.

"She told me that if she didn't…" He choked, he looked at his feet. "I should tell you." He straightens out fighting off the tears, "That she didn't want to leave you…"

I should feel something, hearing probably her last words to me, shouldn't I? I feel nothing, if anything else I feel an anger brewing inside of me. That bomb getting ready to tic. And I let it escape me, "Yeah?" I say harshly, I notice him flinch and it felt good. "Then why did she? Why did she sacrifice herself for you? You should have been the one laying on the bed! Not her!" I screamed at him. My hands are shaking, they want to hit something, maybe his face but I stopped myself.

"You think I'm not asking myself that question?" Caleb says. "She loves me enough to hold me at gunpoint so she could sacrifice herself for me. I have no idea why. And also you have no clue how I would do anything to bring her back… if I could trade with her right now I would!" then he walks away before I could respond.

I stood there too stunned to move. He is right, Tris would do anything for someone she loves, and if that includes sacrificing herself then so be it.

It takes me a few more seconds to regain my posture and I start my making my way to Tris' room. I keep my head down avoiding eye contact with anyone looking at me. I hear murmurs about me, the newly memory serum induced people would talk about me, but not really about me but Tris. The girl who released the Memory Serum and reset everyone because of the corrupt system the bureau has, to fix the GD and GP nonesense.

When I finally reached her room I was surprised to see Christina standing there on the edge of Tris' bed. Having Christina here wasn't what surprised me, it is the fact that she isn't sitting on Tris' bed painting her nails with nail polish—which I'm glad for cause it usually gives me a headache, or brushing her hair, or putting on different shades of lip things (lipstick or lip gloss is what Christina calls them), or putting a little color on her cheeks so she'd look a little healthier and less sickly or chattering Tris' up informing her what is going on outside this room. Christina is the only one I could count on to have faith that Tris going to wake up from this. She is the only one who pretends that Tris is only sleeping. Her hope made my hope stronger too… she once said to me that if she fought harder for Uriah maybe he would have come back… so now she's going to try because Tris is her only friend.

But now, she's just standing there looking at Tris with a look of desperation and grief. For a second there I thought something happened to Tris but I can still hear the beeps of the machine and see her breathing. After a few more seconds, Christina finally notices me standing by the door and she looks at me. Her eyes are blood shot, nose is bright red and a few tears escaped her eyes before she finally wiped them off before they could fall. "Four," she said firmly. She turns towards me and she holds on to the railing on the end of the bed for support. I notice her shaking.

I cross my arms on my chest, waiting. I've seen that look before on so many people's faces. The look that where they think I'm crazy for fighting hard on a loss cause, that I should have given up hope already because hope was already lost when they brought her to this room, or even when they found her in the weapons room.

But I will never lose hope not when it comes to Tris. Never. "I wouldn't expect to see that look on your face." I finally speak after a few minutes of us just staring at each other like we were about to kill each other.

She looks away at me and looks at Tris, "I was here when they finished her tests… they think—"

"No, I am not listening to this…" I shook my head. I walk to Tris' bed and lean to kiss her forehead. "I do not need to hear this from anyone." I say quietly but I can hear the sharpness in my voice and it sounds terrifying to me but I seriously don't care.

"No, Four, you need to listen." She looks at me now; she doesn't have a pity look on her face anymore. She looks angry and determined. "Keeping her like this, is not what she would have wanted..."

"How would you know what she wanted?" I spat at her, "She fought for us and sacrificed herself for this cause! We can return the favor by fighting for her in return!"

"Not like this!" She screams at me and points at the machine. "She's strong! Those machines make her look weak… this isn't what she would have wanted!"

"Those machines are a sign that she is strong, Christina. That she's still fighting to stay!" I screamed back at her, I had to clench my fist to stop myself from shaking.

She breathes as well, probably calming down too, the both of us not wanting to do anything we both regret. After a few beats she speaks again softly, "Four, if she wakes up we wouldn't even if she'll ever be the same. We wouldn't know what else would be wrong with her."

I look at Tris brushing the hair off her face that covers part of her eyes. I stifled a sob. Christina is right, after Tris' emergency operation the doctors explained to me that the bullets hit Tris' body was nearly fatal which had saved her but at the same time seven shots to her body had cause an enormous blood loss that her brain didn't have enough oxygen for so long and so fast that they don't know what other damages she would have due to it.

"Christina, don't ask me about this." I whispered. I could hear the sadness in my voice and desperation. "Don't ask me to do it…"

Christina walks up to me and puts a hand on my arm. "This is very hard for me too, Four…" her hand slides off my arm and then she sits on Tris' bed. She squeezes Tris' hand tightly. "She's the only friend I have left. I wouldn't ask this of you, if I don't think it's the best for her." She pauses and smiles sadly, "You're not the only one that loves her too."

We both watch Tris quietly and then Christina leaves me alone with her but not before she says, "I know you'll do what is best for her."

I take my usual seat close to Tris and take her hand again. It has been sixty one hours, four minutes and six seconds since wires have been attached her. The doctors said anything over seventy two hours hooked up to the machines wouldn't be good for her recovery (if she ever wakes up), especially if there are no changes in her brain waves. And the fact that Christina gave up hope means that there are still no slight changes in Tris from her tests today.

In less than 12 hours I have to make the decision to let go of her because no matter how much I try to deny the fact that I'm doing the right thing by making her fight at some point I have to do what is best for her, which is for her to stop fighting and just let her be at peace.

I lean my head on her hand again, and squeezing it tightly hoping again that she'd hear my prayer for her to come back. I don't care how desperate I am. I need her. I love her too much to let go, and I know I can't make the decision because I know it is also like deciding to kill myself.

"Tris…" I say into her hand. Please fight harder… please….

And as I squeezed her hand tighter, I felt her finger twitch. I jumped away from the movement. I let go of her hand thinking that I was imagining it but I wasn't. I can see her hands moving! She's moving her fingers! And her eye lids are twitching open.

Tris is coming back! She's fighting to come back! So I sit on her bed and lean towards her face my lips are touching her cheek, "Tris, come back to me. You can do this; I know you're strong enough to fight this…"

Her eyes flutters open. She looks into my eyes. Her eyes wide like the first time I really saw her when I helped her from the net. Her eyes were so stern, so insistent, so beautiful.

"Tris…" I cried but this time tears of joy are falling down my eyes and into her cheeks. I kissed her cheeks, her nose and her forehead. "Oh thank god…" I look at her again her eyes boring into mine.

She blinks a couple times and then I can see the panic surge through her. She raises her hand and puts it on my chest. I can feel a small push from her weak hands, but I ignore it I was too happy to see her to comprehend that she's trying to push me away from her.

The next words she says devastated me even more that I could feel my heart fall into my chest, "Who are you?" she shrieks at me. And then her eyes went dark as she all of a sudden screams bloody murder.

a/n:

sorry if this is really long… please R&R and follow! Pretty please? Hope you like this! Ahhhh!