A/N:Thanks for the reviews… and follows. Im lost.. but its ok ill keep writing maybe if you want me to :P as usual go ahead and tell me what you think and of course rant away! I want to hear opinions of allegiant, maybe it will help me accept the end. -or not! Five stages of death... Denial (check), depression(check), bargaining(Peter! Drew! Caleb! Evelyn! Marcus! Christina? Maybe Tobias! Anyone but Tris!), anger(CHECK!), acceptance(NEVER!)

Chapter Fifty-four

Tobias

I have been watching Tris outside of her hospital room for the past couple of hours, watching doctors and nurses check on her every fifteen minutes or just watching Caleb talk to Tris while she's still sleeping. They had to sedate her and restrain her, that's why she's being checked constantly and have someone who is sitting there with her at all times.

When she screamed, she thrashed around so much that she almost fell off the bed. It took me and Matthew to hold her down; she knocked out a couple nurses who tried to help me holding her down. She was screaming for my name, saying she had to find me because I had the answers.

I could hear Matthew's voice head…. "Tris, Tobias is here, that's him…" Matthew is holding Tris' arms while I am trying my best to hold her legs down to prevent her from kicking me off. Matthew tries his best to point at me without.

Tris just kept shaking her head, "No! No! He's not Tobias… Tobias is… Tobias is… He's…." then she shrieks in pain that Matthew and I let her go immediately thinking that we are hurting her.

She puts her hands on her head and starts grabbing at her hair and she just keeps squealing as if someone was torturing her. Her eyes are squeezed shut and calls for my name again. I want to reach for her and hold her to tell her that I am here but I am too stunned to move. All I could hear are her screams and when she asked me who I am a few minutes ago…

I couldn't really process what is going on back then until now. The only thing I could think of is that Tris is awake, but she doesn't remember me… "Who are you?" I could hear her horror when she was pushing me away from her. Her screams echoes in my head again, they never really go away even though they sedated her. I had to stop myself from tearing up as I watched her fall to the medication, the last word she breathed was my name.

When she finally fell asleep, they restrained her just in case the dose wasn't enough to put her to sleep or her being a divergent might prevent the medication from working. Matthew sat with me for a few minutes before he left me alone to ask questions about how Tris is doing. He was only here to sit with her so I can maybe eat. He didn't really expect to have to hold down a hysterical Tris with me.

The doctors explained to me that they think Tris might have a post-traumatic stress due to massive blood loss that almost caused her to have a brain injury. They sedated her because they think her brain needed more rest after that massive activity that led to her hysteria and the fact that she does have a few broken bones from the bullet crushing her ribs and her knee cap, and the stitches she has from her surgery. The doctors didn't want her to make them worse with her trashing around she might reopen the stitches.

There is a tugging in my mind telling me what is going with Tris. I briefly mentioned to Matthew, and that's when he decided to leave and talk to the doctors. And the fact that he hasn't back gives me a hunch that I might be right.

"So, how is she doing?" Christina asks me, she stand beside me watching Caleb who is sitting in the room with Tris. He is holding her hand and talking to her. She's jealous with Caleb talking and being there with Tris. A tear falls from her eye, she immediately wipes it off, "Did the doctors say anything yet?" she asks, she clears her throat and straightens up.

I lean on the railing on the wall, "Good for now. They are going to do tests on her later when she's awake or soon."

"After they explain to her why she's strapped to the bed." She says bitterly.

I sigh, "Or that..." I rest my head on the glass window to cool my forehead.

"Do you know what happened? I heard she was looking for you but she didn't recognize you at all?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose, frustrated. I didn't need to be reminded that Tris didn't know who I was, while yelling for me. The look on her face broke my heart as well. I wanted so bad to hold her but I know I shouldn't for her sake. "I don't know I'm not a doctor." But I sigh, "They think it just might a temporary memory loss from the trauma her brain endured…"

Christina looks at me, she gives me a small smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I'm sorry." She watches Tris with the longing and despair of not being at her side. I know this because I am feeling the same way right now. I want to hold Tris' hand instead of Caleb.

After a few moments of silence between me and Christina, I spoke up, "Why don't you go inside?"

She groaned, "You know why I will not or I shouldn't…"

"Christina," I sighed. Of course I know why but I have to hear it from her.

"Four… you were there. I asked you to do what is best for Tris, to let her go. And not an hour later she wakes up." Angry tears started to fall from her eyes. She wiped them off immediately, "If you would have listened to me… she…" She stopped not wanting to finish the sentence. She put her head down too guilty to look at Tris.

I laughed. She turns and glares at me. "First of all, I wouldn't have listened to you." I grinned. She just crosses her arms at her chest and rolls her eyes at me. She knows all too well that I don't really listen to her suggestions, "Second of all, you were just doing what you thought was right… as what I was doing. I was never going to give up on her." I cocked my head to the side, my forehead touching the glass window.

She just sighs and didn't say anything; she still feels guilty about Tris so I added, "I'm sure she will understand." I lightly patted her shoulder, "I'm sure that's why she woke up just to prove you wrong."

This time she smiled, "That could be true. I always underestimated her strength."

I sigh, "We always did." I knew that Tris is strong and brave but I always forget that someone so small and fragile looking could have that much strength and bravery. She is even braver than me and Christina who tower over her.

We fell silent again, and this time Christina broke the silence we shared, "Why aren't you in there then?"

I stare at her amusingly and start to laugh when she gives me a quizzical look. She frowns at me when I started laughing again, the sound is so strange to my ears. I haven't laughed like this in days. It actually feels good to laugh sincerely. "Because when I woke up I may have kissed her…" I shake my head, "No that's a lie I kissed her. I'm not sure if she screamed because a stranger was kissing her or because she remembered things."

"No…" She widens her eyes and bites her lip to stop herself from laughing.

"Yep, she probably thinks I take advantage of unconscious girls with the way I was kissing her when she woke up."

"Oh no…" She says again and this time she's laughing and I laugh with her. "Well, if someone explains to her what happened then she'll probably understand and can redeem yourself."

"Hopefully…" I muttered, "That's why Caleb is sitting there with her to explain everything to her when she wakes up."

Her smile disappeared from her face and anger replaced them, "What?" she hissed

My eyebrows met in confusion, I'm very surprised with her anger. "Caleb is the only who knows Tris' past apart from me as well…?" My statement turned into a question.

"No." she says firmly, her hands are shaking from anger and she clenched her fist to stop herself from shaking.

"No?" I ask

"Caleb has no right to be there…" she grumbles under her breath trying to keep her composure. "I know Tris as well… and ill do it." She walked into Tris' room startling Caleb who is teary eyed sitting on Tris' bed. She started screaming at him and she sits on her bed instead of him. She brushed her hair away from Tris' face and started talking to her. Caleb just looks at me and smiles sadly. He takes the empty seat beside the bed.

I understand why she's upset with Caleb and why she didn't want him alone with Tris. I feel the same way or still do. But I realized that Tris sacrificed herself for him because she did indeed forgave him. And I could also see his misery about Tris as well. I pity him a little because he's been alone to deal with this tragedy. I had people there to comfort me or try to anyways. When he found out Tris woke up, he was the first one here asking if everything was alright. The tears of joy in his eyes were falling freely. I was the one that asked him to stay with her until she woke up.

Another half an hour passes; a few more doctors check up on Tris, there also did a test with Tris that took another half an hour. Caleb, Christina and I were outside watching as they put some weird helmet on her and after the test they finally took the restraints off. They also said that she'd be waking up anytime now. I do not know how long I've just been standing there observing Tris' that I didn't even notice Cara and Matthew standing there beside me, "Hey," I finally spoke after a few more minutes of silence.

"How is she doing?" Matthew asked me. A glint in his eyes makes me realize that he knows something important.

I sighed; I gave Christina a knowing look before I turned to look at Matthew. "I don't know, you tell me,"

Christina gets up from Tris' bed and walks out the room. She gives Cara a brief hug, "So, what is going on?" she says impatiently.

Caleb followed after her, he just standing by the door and gives me a short nod. He leans on the open door, waiting.

Matthew and Cara exchange glances as if trying to figure out who should say something first. Matthew decides to talk first, "I'll try to keep this as simple as possible." He says to me and Christina. He's scratching his head probably thinking of how to start. "So you know how divergent brain works—"

"Yes! It gives me a headache but just tell us what is wrong!" She snaps at him.

"Christina…" I say sternly and she just shrugs at me.

He clears his throat, "We tested a few people who succumbed to the memory serum and Peter,"

"Peter?" Christina asks.

"Christina if you let Matthew finished then maybe you won't have to ask so many questions." Cara glares at Christina who is blushing and nodded for Matthew to continue.

Even though I understand Christina's anxiety, I'm glad I don't have to reprimand her again. She needs to be patient because she is slowly getting into my nerves, "Go ahead Matthew."

"Peter because when he took the memory serum, he asked not to be reminded anything from his past or even anything at all other than his name." He looks at me for conformation, when I nodded he continues, "And the other volunteers that we reset but told them a new memory. I was looking at their brain waves." Then he starts to ramble really fast that I had to concentrate really hard to pay attention, "You see your brain stores memories and when those memories are triggered that part of the brain that stores it shows that those memories exist in the brain. Even with short term—"

"English! Don't go scientific on me you're giving me a headache… and please don't ramble…" Christina complains and rubs her forehead. Her eyes looked like her eyes were going to bug out of her eyes with how confused she was a while ago.

Cara released an exasperated sigh, "In simpler terms Christina when we tested the made up memories we gave the volunteers that part of their brain light up that store those memories. And then with Peter when we showed his memories of course it didn't trigger anything because he doesn't have them anymore."

"Okay…?" Christina hesitates to ask, "So when you tested her with her memories did they trigger anything?"

Matthew and Cara looked at each other again, they look nervous. Cara spoke up, "Yes and no…"

"When we showed her those memories it barely registered that it did in her brain. The light was so dim that you could barely see it." Matthew says sadly.

"The only thing that triggered something is her name and you…" Cara adds she gives me a sad look as if Tris recognizing me wasn't really good news.

Christina scratches her confused, "But she didn't recognize Four."

I just stood there quietly with my palms pulling on the back of my neck, nails digging into them to distract me from my anxiety. I am slightly annoyed at Christina because she keeps interrupting Cara and Matthew every time. I glared at Christina but she isn't looking at me.

"That's the interesting part, her brain didn't trigger any memory on Four's face but of her memories of his name did." Matt answers.

"What?" Christina breathed

On the corner of my eye I could see Caleb shift uncomfortably. He obviously knows more than what is explained. And the fact that he is also Erudite he can understand it all. He is still waiting to hear the answer to his unanswered question. He notices me watching him and his mouth twitches a smile but he is too nervous and anxious.

"I think the final words before she went on the coma stuck with her, that's when her brain got clouded with the memory serum." Matthew says then he turns to Caleb, "What did you say to her? Word for word."

"Her name, I said her name a lot." Then Caleb shifts to stare at me in the eye, "I also told her to fight for it, and if not for anything else to fight for Tobias."

I heard Christina gasp; I just keep staring at Caleb who just turned away from us and walks in the Tris' room, he sighs then resumes his seat by her Tris' bed. He lays his bed on the foot of her bed and starts crying.

"Okay… why is he crying? He clearly understands what is going on. We don't!" Christina says angrily and points to me and her.

I roll my eyes at her, annoyed that she thinks I do not know what is going on. Of course I know why Caleb is crying. Caleb crying confirms what I believed a while ago about Tris' situation. That I was right all along, "Tris' subconscious is locking away those memories?"

Cara smiles at me. She's happy that I understand everything. As close as she and Christina had become in the past few weeks, I think she still finds Christina's impatience and Candor side annoying. "Yes. We think that she did probably succumb to the memory serum."

"But Tris can fight all the serums!" Christina argues, she's still refuses to believe in what is going on.

I shake my head this time, "Tris wasn't able to fight the peace serum…" I sighed because I know I'm lying. "She chose not to fight that serum…" I remember when Tris was under the influence of the peace serum. How happy and carefree she was. How one kiss from her made her giggle. Even though she wasn't my Tris and she worried me, I did enjoy watching her be happy with no troubles of the war that we were fighting.

Matthew nods and speaks directly to Christina, "She has to mentally fight the serum. Her brain had to tell her that she's under the influence of the serum." He puts a hand on her shoulder and squeezes it for comfort the teary eyed Christina, "With all the blood loss, her brain can only fight so much. Especially after fighting the death serum, she was probably too weak to fight it."

"So she lost all her memories? You think she can't get them back?" Christina asks quietly, she gives Cara a look desperation begging to give her good news.

"Possibly, they are still there… but I think it's her choice now if she wants to." Cara says sadly, she grabs Christina's hand and squeezes them.

"Can't we just give her the memory serum again? We can just give her memories back that way…" Christina says hope glinting in her eyes.

Matthew keeps shaking her head, "It is not that simple Christina. One cannot be given the memory serum that close together. Other functional memories might be taken away, we can't take those risks. It is either she'd lose the memories she's hidden or fight the serum this time. if she does succumb to the next dose of a memory serum and give her those memories. Her being divergent might back fire. The memories we would return for her, she might think it's a simulation." He explains.

"What are we going to do then?" Christina cries.

. I grabbed my forehead and squeezed my temples I could hear Tris' screams in my head again. "You didn't hear her screams when she woke up, Christina." I wince at the memory, "She sounded like someone was torturing her. Tris has experienced a lot of grief moments in the few months. She dealt with it as much as she could. But if she her mind did protect her from the memory serum and then all her memories come rushing back all at once, it would destroy someone too… just enough for her mind to lock those away and probably succumb to the serum."

"But she is alive…" Christina whispers.

"Yes, she is still alive. She came back to us. All she needs is a lot of work to help her be able to move around with her broken bones. But if she did lose her memory then we'll just be there for her and be the living memories of what she sacrificed for us. And if she wants to remember then we'll help her." I say with great conviction because I know it is the truth. "She's alive…. That's all that matters." I gripped on the railing really hard that my knuckles whiten.

"You are right." Christina says. I can see in her eyes that my words have reassured her. And actually my words have brought comfort to me as well.

"Christina!" Caleb calls. He stands up from the chair and is standing really close to Tris who is slowly waking up.

"I'll go get the doctors…" Matthew says and he runs to the direction of the nurse's station.

Christina and I shared a look, I gave her short nod. "Go, just give her time Christina and don't force her to remember." I say before she goes into Tris' room. She smiles at me, agreeing with me. She goes to sit on Tris' bed and takes her hand.

I watch Christina and Caleb with jealousy. I wanted so bad to be there with them to. I want to be the one to hold her and tell her everything is going to be alright; that no matter what happens I'll never leave her side. I still love her and will always love her even if she doesn't remember. But here I am watching on the side lines. Loving her from a far like I did when she was still a Dauntless initiate.

Cara puts a hand on my back. "It'll be alright Four. You are right, she is alive that is all that matters." She says to comfort me.

I nod my thanks as I couldn't find the strength to speak anymore. All my energy is watching the doctors talking to Tris who is finally woken up. She just looks at them with the same wide, stern and insistence in her eyes like the first time I pulled her from the net. She keeps a brave face for Christina and Caleb but only I could see the slight shake of her hands. I want to tell her that she's being selfless and brave. That no matter what, she's still my Tris…

But right now all I could think of is that she's still alive and it's all that matters.

She turns her head to where I am standing watching her. She gazes at me and I am glad I do not see the fear in her eyes the first time she woke up from her coma. All I could see is questions in them and a hint of admiration, the same look she'd give me when she would catch me watching her when we were in the living in the Dauntless compound.

I give her a smile before she looks away from me and listens to the doctors. Yes she's still alive and that's all that matters. I say to myself again.

a/n

Next chapter I promise Tris and Tobias moments maybe M rated on later chapterssssss R&R pleeeaaasssee? One super long Tobias chapter again… hope you enjoyed