It was at the beginning of the second year that things very gradually began to change. On the onset, it looked as if the second year was going to be a twin of the first. Jim was chasing after two girls at once, and occasionally after Nyota Uhura, who was way out of his league and much too clever to be ensnared. Grace and I finally passed the practical flight exam, and Commander Fitzroy almost cried with joy, since he was so happy he would never see us again. Samira's husband returned Earth-side to join the research team at a ground-based Starfleet facility. He was a quiet, thoughtful man, soft-spoken and intelligent and we got along well.
I visited Joanna in early autumn, and apart from a few tense moments with Jocelyn, we had a wonderful week together.
Yet when I returned, I found that something had changed. Maybe the change had occurred even before my visit, or it had been a gradual process and I just hadn't noticed it so far.
When I stepped out of the flight terminal, and the sliding doors closed behind me with a soft whirring sound, I found Chris waiting for me. I was startled to see him, to say the least. He had never before come to pick me up when I had been gone for a few days, because that just wasn't the nature of our relationship. Chris and I liked and trusted each other, we enjoyed each other's company, and I was fairly sure that both of us lived monogamously, but there was no commitment. There had never been talk about the future, and very little about the past; our relationship was rooted in the present. We were lovers, but we did not love each other, or if we did, it was a friendly, tame, manageable kind of love.
Which was why it surprised me so much when he picked me up that evening and greeted me with a quiet hug. We did not talk much that night. I was a little tired, and my head still filled with memories of Joanna, and Chris was in an oddly reflective mood and apparently unwilling to share his thoughts. We went to bed together, and yes, we did have sex, because it was the one thing we always agreed on, no matter what the circumstances. It was fairly unexciting that night, a bit slow, maybe, languid and comfortable; and afterwards we fell asleep right away in each other's arms, which was something we did not usually do.

When I woke up, Chris was still there.
That was new. Actually, it was the first time I woke up in the morning and still found him next to me, lying on his side, his face turned towards me and watching me. His gaze was steady and thoughtful.
"Morning," I yawned.
"Good morning," he replied evenly, his voice low.
Suddenly, I felt slightly awkward. Chris was in an odd mood, and I was unaccustomed to dealing with his odd moods right after waking up.
"It's been over a year," he said suddenly.
I frowned slightly. "Huh? Er… what exactly…?" I'm a bit slow, first thing in the morning.
Chris noticed that, too, and flashed me a quick smile that disappeared all too soon, before replying: "Us."
"Oh." He was right, of course, but I knew not what to say. Was he suggesting that we celebrate the date somehow? Many couples do, and even though a celebration would have felt strange in our case, I was willing to humor him.
But Chris said no more that morning. I watched him a little more attentively after that, though.

In over a year, my relationship to Captain Christopher Pike had remained a secret to most of my fellow cadets, including nearly all of my friends. Jim noticed, of course. No matter how hard you tried to keep a secret from him, he would eventually figure it out. He was that kind of person. A keen observer, unobstructed by any moral bounds or even discretion. Christopher kept remarkably quiet about the whole affair, but a fat lot of good it did him, when it was Jim watching him, watching us, admiring, judging, interpreting. Of course, he didn't simply walk up to me and tell me "You're sleeping with Pike, and I know it", that would have been too plump, even for Jim. He waited till we were alone in the same lab one day – he was supposed to be studying for his elementary exobiology exam, a subject that didn't interest him whatsoever, while I was attempting to finish a series of tests on a vaccine for a recently found strain of a Klingon virus that showed every potential for causing major trouble – then he stepped towards me, stood at the other side of the table, crossing his arms. "Yes, Jim?" I sighed in exasperation. He had that effect on me, even in those early days of our acquaintance. "Why are you doing it?" I looked up from my test-tubes, silently cursing him. "Why am I doing what?" "You know, what I'm talking about." He seemed oddly dissatisfied. "I do not", I replied, "enlighten me." He snorted. "Fine. Why are you sleeping with him?" I stared at him, then shook my head. "That question – from you? You of all people, Jim? Well, what do you think? It's not for medical or any kind of therapeutic reasons, I can assure you of that. Why are you yourself sleeping with any girl that doesn't have the brains to make for a speedy escape when she sees you, or the strength of will to keep you at bay, like Uhura?" He pouted a little at this, then: "So it's for… fun?" "Yeah. Guess what: I actually know how to have fun occasionally. And – surprising as this may be to you – I prefer the company of an intelligent, sophisticated grown-up man over that of some notoriously silly, giggling girl." "Alright, alright." He raised his hands as if to stop my tirade. "I'm okay with it, Bones." That had me gaping at him for a minute. "You're okay with it?" "Yeah, why not? So… you're gay? I actually thought, you'd been married." "Should you be looking for a reason – that's it. My marriage was a complete and utter failure. I vowed never to get into anything even remotely similar again." "And to prevent that, you're only dating guys now?" "Right. Although I'd like to remind you of the fact, that it's actually only one. One guy. Bigamy just isn't my style." "Shame." He grinned wickedly. I frowned at him. "Was that just supposed to be some sort of misplaced outing?" He shook his head. "You're cute Bones, but… nah, I'll stick with girls for now. It's easier." "Thank heavens", I muttered.

I told Christopher that night and wasn't too surprised when he threw back his head and laughed. "That little devil. Of course he found out, eventually." He looked at me questioningly. "You're not bothered by it, are you?" I shrugged. "Seems that Jim can deal with it, therefore I guess I'm not. Though I was a little surprised by his reaction." "He's your best friend. Did you actually expect him to drop you like a hot potato?" I shook my head, and then a new thought crossed my mind. "But you would, wouldn't you? You'd drop me the moment it'd ever get in the way of anything." It wasn't an accusation, I actually believed it to be true there and then. Pike's grey eyes grew serious, almost a little too serious for my taste and comfort. "I might ask you to discontinue our relationship, Leonard, should it ever get in the way of matters of greater importance, but I will not leave you. In fact, I am quite convinced that you will be the one, who'll leave one day." "Imagine that", I said dryly. "What a high opinion you have of my character." He laughed, it wasn't humorous, though. "I know you, don't I? Besides, it was never meant to be an insult of any kind. It's just an odd feeling." "Ah. I might have to cure you of those odd feelings." Now the grin was back on his face, sly, seductive and a little vicious. "You're the doctor. You figure it out." "Don't have too", I told him, whilst closing the gap between us, "you're easily distracted." Lips pressing against his, I felt just how easily…

The next one to pick up the scent was Uhura. As the world's best interpreter, she was fully capable of studying and comprehending any kind of communication, be it verbal or nonverbal. Besides, she has that odd ability to almost telepathically sense a person's feelings even and especially when he desperately tries to hide them from her. She would later use it on Spock a lot, and I am positive that it drove him crazy. But for the moment, Uhura wasn't making much progress with her admired instructor, so she diverted part of her attention to her friends' love lives, and unfortunately that also included me and mine. "We need to find you a nice girl, Leonard", she teased. She was one of the very few people who actually used my first name. "No, thanks." "Really, Len, you can't stay a pouting single for the rest of your life." "Why not? No offense, but marriage has permanently traumatized me." I shuddered, thinking of Jocelyn. Uhura rolled her eyes. "You're prejudiced. Not all of us girls are as vicious as your ex-wife." "Aren't you?" Now it was my turn to tease her. She frowned. "No. You know what? You're simply too adorable to be single." "Adorable? Me? You've got to be kidding me. I'm not adorable. I'm a mean old grump who doesn't care much about anybody and who certainly doesn't try to attract anybody." "Honestly, Len! You're neither old nor mean, just grumpy; and I happen to know for a fact that you can be quite charming if you want to be. Besides, you're really loyal and you care about your friends. You'd do anything for me or Jim, wouldn't you? Though I can't imagine why you'd want to be friends with that self-righteous idiot…" "He's not that bad, actually. You two just had kind of a bad start. If you got to know him better…" "I've been trying very hard to avoid that for the past year and a half!" "… you'd realize that he also has his strong points. He's loyal, too, and brave – if not foolish – and speaking of charms – his talent for winning people over is almost magical. It's that smile of his, I'm sure. He could get away with anything, just by smiling at you." "Wow, you sound as if you'd already fallen prey to his charms." She eyed me suspiciously. "You're not, by any chance, a little infatuated with that brat? I mean, I know that everyone adores him, including Captain Pike and most of the other instructors, but…" "You've got a dirty mind, Uhura", I chided. "Really, Jim's my best friend! And I'm not about to fall for a boy about ten years my junior." "Jim Kirk is hardly a boy!" "He is to me. And he always will be," I told her firmly. "Just as Christopher Pike will always be a fatherly friend to you?" she asked slyly. I didn't know what to answer without compromising myself, so I protested weakly: "I do admire him, but he's no father figure to me." "What else is he to you, then? Because, you know, he must be something, judging from the way you two interact. That's not a relationship between a commanding officer and his inferior, you're friends, at the very least." "That's no crime, not even in Starfleet, is it?" "No, of course not. But it'd be at least awkward, should it become known that you're having a… well, let's call it a more intimate relationship." Her dark eyes looked at me seriously. "I'm actually worried about you, Len." "Is that why you wanted to get me a girlfriend?" "That's one of the reasons, yes. I'd hate to watch anyone break your heart… be it Pike or Kirk, and they're both known as heart-breakers of the first order." I was a little baffled at that, but soon answered rather sarcastically: "It's fine, Uhura. I'm a grown man." "Will that save you from being hurt?" She asked.

Uhura was right, of course – she always seems to be – but, it would be a while until I was to realize that. For quite a while I continued working and studying, expanding my knowledge and trying to keep Jim out of the worst scrambles. He constantly got into trouble over something – a girl, a fight, a stupid bet that would end in bloodshed or broken bones, or a disciplinary measure dealt out by one of the teachers who wouldn't put up with his self-satisfied arrogance ("I'm a genius, I don't see why I should study"). I didn't get to see much of Christopher those days, since he was spending a lot of time at the shipyard, though he never explained to me what he actually did there. I'm sure neither of them ever noticed, but he and Jim actually resembled each other in many ways. They both had that single-minded determination, that life-threatening devotion to their people and their cause and that unmatched, seemingly endless energy that kept them both on the move constantly. They both enjoyed living on the edge of total destruction, although Christopher was, at that time, a little more civilized, a little more guarded about it, than Jim. Jim was a wild stallion, not yet broken in, uncontrollable, unstoppable as a raging hurricane, and a constant threat to everyone, who happened to cross his way, or at least everyone's sanity. What Uhura had said about Christopher might not have been true for me, but it was certainly true for Jim – while I was his older brother, Christopher had filled the void left by his father's untimely death. And I knew that the role suited him well – Jim was just the son Christopher could have wished for, had he ever done so. Sure, he wasn't too pleased with some of our sunny boy's antics, but he had admired Jim's potential from the start. "That one," he used to tell me, "that one will be a Starfleet hero before he gets the chance to grow a beard." And he was to be proven right. However, first there was this little matter between Jim and Spock to be cleared up…

While Jim and I had liked each other from the day we met, Jim and Spock hated each other before either of them even set eye on the other. Spock's Kobayashi Maru was the only exam Jim ever failed and it made him furious. On the other hand, even Spock, who never listened to campus rumor, had heard of Jim's reputation (which was remarkable – remarkably bad, actually) and although Vulcans are not supposed to be prejudiced, he certainly hadn't formed a very good impression of the youngster who was to become his most intimate friend in a very distant future. When they met for the first time the day Jim was accused of cheating before the assembly, Jim instantly tried to provoke Spock. Spock wasn't provoked, but he wasn't too impressed with Jim's manners, either. However, the news of the mystery attack on Vulcan arrived that day, so we soon had other things to worry about than Jim's cheating or a Vulcan's prejudices.

I had just accompanied Jim to his second round of trying to beat the unbeatable test and I had watched him fail spectacularly once again. When everybody got up, hurrying out of the room as fast as they could, because they feared Jim's uncontrolled fury at losing again; I caught sight of a tall man in command blues watching Jim. There was something off about him, a strangeness that I couldn't place at first, but then I realized that he was no human, or not entirely human at the very least. Commander Spock was the only half-Vulcan officer serving in Starfleet at that time, so it did not take me long to recognize him. I glanced at Jim, who was busy discussing the sheer unfairness of the test with Cadet Andrea Zander in a loud and agitated voice. Reaching a sudden decision, I walked across the room to meet Spock.
"You know," I told him casually, "you should probably get out of here before he notices you."
He turned towards me, his face unblinking and emotionless. "Is that so?" He asked coolly.
"He's furious," I assured him. "Jim Kirk never failed a test before this one; and now he has failed it for the second time. And he will blame you for that."
I could swear that I saw a flicker of contempt pass through Spock's eyes at that.
"He has failed to understand the purpose of the test," he said simply, "and I see not much hope for him ever understanding it. You will have to excuse me now, I have an appointment."
I stared at his retreating form, unsure whether to be annoyed or impressed. Then I shrugged to myself and went to comfort Jim, who was still ranting about the unfairness of the test. We went out for drinks that night, and I don't think I've ever seen Jim get that drunk before, or ever again afterwards. It was three o'clock in the morning, when reason showed up in the form of a truly exasperated Captain Pike, who gently 'persuaded' both of us to accompany him back to the Academy grounds and our dormitories. After we had put Jim to bed ("One more glass and you would have had to treat him for alcohol poisoning", Chris commented), we both lingered a moment to look at the softly snoring golden boy who lay passed out on his bed.
"He's such a fool," Chris said, but it sounded almost affectionate. I did not linger on that thought, though, since the next sentence that came out of his mouth was: "You should have known better than to let him get carried away like that."
"Jim is a grown man," I objected.
"No," Chris disagreed, "he is only a boy. A big, troublesome, ingenious boy. And I'm afraid, growing up will be very hard on him."
"He thinks he has all the time in the world."
He shrugged. "Maybe he does. But we don't."
I looked at him, because I had heard an odd inflection in his words. Our eyes met across the bed, across Jim's sleeping head. His face was grave and looked unusually troubled.
"What is it?" I asked, suddenly worried.
He shook his head. "Nothing." And after a brief pause: "If you have time tomorrow afternoon, I would like to show you something."

I was very curious about whatever it was that Chris wanted to show me, especially since I had no clue as to what it could be. We had not spent as much time together as we had used to before, but I had simply assumed that he was busy with his work, and since I was quite busy as well, now that the final exams drew nearer and nearer, I had not minded it much.
"We are going to fly to your surprise?" I asked uneasily, when I saw the small transport shuttle before us. He grinned and waved my worries away with a negligent gesture of his right hand. "Relax. I am one of the best pilots in the Fleet." I knew for a fact that that was true, after all, it was he who had coached me through that dreaded flight exam, but my fear of flying was something irrational, and it was far from gone.
"I hate flying," I muttered moodily as I climbed inside.
Chris took his seat at the helm and began to hum softly. He was singing when we took off, an old song, one that I had heard before, somewhere I didn't remember. "Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away….If you can use some exotic booze/ there's a bar in far Bombay… Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away… Once I get you up there/ where the air is rarefied/ we'll just glide / Starry-eyed / Once/ I get you up there/ I'll be holding you so near/ you may hear/ Angels cheer, 'cause we're together…"
"That's not funny!" I told him, unable to say whether I was upset or touched by his good spirits and the endearing silliness of the gesture.
Chris just laughed and steered us towards our destination.

When I first caught sight of her, I knew at once that whatever place I held in Chris' heart, it was nothing to the one she would occupy. She was stunning, breathtaking, unbelievable, even in her unfinished, childish state. A thing of grace and beauty, of immense power, a concept that my poor, human mind could not fully grasp.
Chris stood next to me, leaning on the railing, and his face wore an expression of rapture and intense pride. The pride of a father for his precious daughter, the pride of a groom for his ravishing bride.
"My God," I heard myself say in an awed voice, "isn't she a beauty?"
He nodded. "And she's mine, Leonard. Mine." His face was filled with an intense, a wild joy. It was almost scary to behold.
I looked down at the unfinished ship, gleaming dull far below us, at the machines, and the ant-like little people that were busily crawling around inside and on top of her, their sole mission to complete her, to make her more perfect still.
"Does she have a name yet?" One thing I had learned at Starfleet Academy was that you only called a ship "it" when you felt no personal connection to it. And for some strange reason, I felt a personal connection to this one.
Chris turned to smile at me, a gloriously happy smile. "We were thinking of naming her Enterprise."
"Like Archer's ship?" I asked.
He nodded. "Yes, exactly. I think it fits."
And it did.
But then suddenly, his words sank in, and I understood. "You are to be the captain?"
"Yes." He said the word, and we both knew instinctively what it meant, even though I think that he was too distracted by his beautiful, shiny new ship to realize it just then.
We will be parted, I though with sudden, inexplicable panic. I felt my throat constrict. It was silly really, I had always known this day would come, and I did not even love him, not really, did I? And yet all I could think was he will leave on that ship. He will leave, and I will never see him again.

Maybe it was my fault that we slowly began to drift apart after that day. Maybe it was, but if so, I could not help it. I had seen the future; I had seen that there was pain ahead, the pain of separation, and I was semi-consciously trying to minimize that pain.
We still saw each other, of course. We still slept with each other, since we both enjoyed it. But there was an invisible wall growing between us, and neither of us did anything to prevent its growth.

It had long since been agreed between Christopher and me that we would never voluntarily be serving on the same ship. Sleeping with a senior officer is bad enough when you're off duty and dawdling in the relatively safe environment of Starfleet Academy, but sleeping with a commanding officer whilst serving on a ship in outer space is actually a punishable offense against Starfleet regulations. Therefore, I was just about as furious at Christopher as Uhura was at Spock – just for the opposite reason. She desperately wanted to be on the same ship he was on (mostly, because it happened to be the Enterprise), I desperately wanted to be on another ship… or better yet – not on any ship at all. I didn't care much for storming off to save the world at the cost of our lives, and I told Christopher so quite bluntly at the first chance I got. He shrugged it off, too busy to be bothered with my petty problems. I insisted. "At least let me be assigned to a different ship." He shook his head. "No. I need you here. This is the flagship, you happen to be one of the best medical officers we have at the moment, therefore it is quite proper that you should serve on the Enterprise." "I also happen to be your lover", I replied dryly, "therefore, it seems quite improper that I should serve under your command." "Do you wish to discontinue our relationship?" He asked sternly. I knew that look, and I hated it, so I answered him defiantly. "There hasn't been much of a relationship in recent months, but yes, I'd rather not sleep with my Captain." "I doubt that you'll get much of a chance to do so while we're on a rescue mission", he remarked sardonically, and with that, the matter appeared to be settled for him. It wasn't, of course.

I got my revenge on Christopher by smuggling Jim aboard the ship. In all honesty, I still don't know why I did it. Christopher might have called it an odd feeling. I just felt that leaving Jim behind wasn't the right thing to do.
My life, everybody's life, our whole world, went to pieces within the short span of a few hours. We were acting and reacting, trying to save ourselves, our friends, our world, but we were unable to comprehend what was happening to us.
And the thing I had feared for the past weeks, for the past months even, came true: I lost Chris. I lost him in a totally different fashion than I had anticipated. Lost him not to a shiny new ship but to a raving madman. In the end, it did not matter. I felt that he was gone.
I watched him walk away from me, from his beautiful new ship, from all of us; I listened to his last communication with the Enterprise, and in that instant I knew what I should have known long before – that you don't spend three years with a man you do not love.
I loved Christopher Pike.
Not as a friend.
Not as the man I had a casual affair with.
I loved him deeply, desperately, hopelessly.
I had indeed lost my heart.