after an arduous seven weeks, i knew that despite the kindness of my employers, i was going to have to return to work. that meant that i had seven days left to figure out how i was going to do so while feeling comfortable enough to be apart from seraphina. two months was a considerably long grieving period, as i'm sure anyone would admit, but i hadn't just lost my fiancè, my daughter had lost her father. there were times when sera would ask when she could see her papa again, mostly because i had told her that he was not coming back any more. i think she got the concept of his absence, but did not necessarily understand what those implications meant. even the brightest children choose, deep down, to acknowledge what they know to be truth and try to sidestep the parts they don't want to deal with.
my circle of friends in san francisco ran rather small; in the time we had lived there, when i wasn't working, it was at home with my family baking cookies or watching sera play in the water sprinkler. it wasn't that michel and i were not social, it was just that the time we had to be social was almost non-existent. michel had befriended a couple of groups of parents from when he had taken her to the park, or to little gatherings at the library, and i had done the same, but in those small groups, there was no one i deemed close enough to care for my daughter when i couldn't. as the week wore on, i was getting more stressed and more anxious about not having a solution. my mother had suggested placing her in a day care, but the idea did not settle well with me. yes, she would be around adults who specialized in childcare and she would be with other children, but i, like most parents, only wanted what i deemed best for my daughter, and that was not it.
as saturday rolled around, i did not doubt that the worry had made home for itself on my face, though i was constantly trying my best to not let it show. sera was clever, observant, and if she got any sense of my distress, it had her in knots and she was constantly doing everything she could just to get me to laugh, from drawing me pictures of the two of us waving to the clouds, or putting different toys and objects on her head, asking me if i liked her new hats. somehow, she was always that spark i'd needed to remember that i still had a light in my life and she was right in front of me. although she had not yet picked up on my distress, the same could not have been said for cosima. her smile was warm as she took her usual seat across the table from me, leaning forward on her elbows as if she knew something i did not. looking back, perhaps maybe she did and i just didn't know it yet. "your frown lines are going to become permanent," she informed me teasingly, though her voice was light, a sign she didn't want to upset me. we were both aware that i hadn't had much reason to do anything but frown, stress, and worry.
"if it's not one thing, it's always another," i admitted, defeated. for some reason, that particular day, i was doing everything i could to refrain from making eye contact with the other woman. when i did, for those few fleeting moments, i felt like she could see so much more than i was willing to share with her. she saw through the brick wall i'd been carrying around with me after michel's passing and it was so incredibly unnerving that it made my stomach knot around itself. how did she do that? i certainly didn't give her that permission, but it did not seem to matter.
"how can i help?" the eagerness in her tone actually caught me off guard, though i don't know why. through the last several weeks, she had always been so persistent about being there if i needed someone above the age of three to talk to and willing to do anything she could to lighten the burden i was bearing on my shoulders. i shook my head gently, a frail smile tugging at the corners of my lips.
"non, it's alright. i'm just a bit… frazzled. see, i am supposed to return to work monday but alas, that is in two days and i still haven't the slightest idea what i'm going to do with sera while i work. if it were at all humane to keep her in my purse and by my side all of the time, i would, but somehow i feel there might be an ethical violation or six in there." i could watch her expression as she struggled to put together my words through the thickness of my accent; when i was flustered, it tended to cling to my words more than i intended.
her smile only seemed to grow, causing my brow to knit in confusion. why was she smiling like that? "well," she began, leaning back in her chair, "i mean… i know this sounds totes crazy…" i could tell as she debated the idea in her own mind, she was growing nervous, suddenly aware that maybe it would not fly with me. "but i only work here on the weekends and take night classes at berkley, which means most days, i'm looking for things to do. i could… i could always watch her for you, at least until you find something else?"
her offer honestly took me by surprise; i had watched her with sera every saturday for the last year and a half and honestly, i knew that sera adored her beyond words. cosima was good with her, was always taking time out of her day to read to her and tell her new interesting facts that i would often quiz her on later in the week. the last thing i had ever expected was for this incredibly free-spirited woman towant to spend her days watching my daughter. i could tell just by the way the brunette shrank before me that the look on my face had to be at least mildly confused, but my expression quickly softened. "you don't have to do that," i assured her, giving her an out, if she wanted it. her posture relaxed, though, and she donned a toothy grin.
"i know i don't, but i want to, that's why i offered. if you don't want me to, i totally understand, but i know you guys have been through so much lately and even if it's just for a little while, i'd be happy to lend a hand. plus, i've never met a three year old so intelligent. she might end up watching me." as cosima laughed, i could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and my arms sheet in goosebumps. it was such a delightful sound, so care free and happy. my lips curled upward and i gave a slight nod.
"that… that would be wonderful, actually. merci."