"allez, papillon, heure de se lever."

despite my typical amount of charm, i never seemed to be much of a match for seraphina when it came to mornings. she whined at me and it took everything i had in me not to smile; she would always pop and eye open to see if i did, and when she saw it, it was like she felt accomplished, encouraged. so went the routine of our mornings, though. "cinq minutes de plus, maman," she managed, turning away from me as she pulled her comforter up to her shoulders. for being as young as she was, she sure had that down, didn't she? part of me was amused at the thought of her doing the same thing in another twelve or so years, and then softened by realizing it would probably send me on a trip to that particular memory, something i'd be fond of for years to come.

i closed her bedroom door behind me to keep the light from bothering her until i was ready to get her dressed and headed back down the hallway to my own room. as i thumbed through the closet, completely indecisive as to what to wear, i hesitated when i found something that did not belong; it was a shirt of michel's. i had thought that i had cleaned out all of his things, but i had obviously missed something; it wasn't the first time i had stumbled on something of his and it probably wouldn't be the last. i smiled to myself and for a moment, thinking about how proud he would be of sera, about how she was managing to just be a kid, to live her life without carrying around the burdens i was; it was my job to protect her from the heartache and i would, until she was ready. maybe i would never think her there, but there would come a day when that wasn't my decision to make.

i finished dressing and applied my make up, giving myself a once-over in the mirror. i was nervous; even i could see it in my eyes. i knew that there was nothing to worry about. i would undoubtedly slide right back into work without a care, but after having spent every day and night with sera, the idea of going more than a couple of hours without seeing her beautiful green eyes and tousled blonde hair was far from comforting to me. the nerves, though, did not pertain to any frets in regards to cosima. in fact, that was at the very last of the list of things that worried her. in a little under seventy eight weekend days through the last eighteen months, i had come to admire her; she was so lively, so in tune with the things and people around her that it was astonishing. she cared about so much for such a small person; the amount of heart she had more than exceeded her physical frame. i startlingly realized that i had absolutely no reserves in leaving sera in her care.

i made my way back to sera's room and knocked lightly, opening the door with a small smile to see her sitting up, rubbing at her eyes. "bonjour, ma fille." i greeted her. as she dropped her hands, she looked up at me with a sleepy smile, one that instantly melted my heart. i'd never considered the idea of children before i found out i was pregnant with seraphina, but the first time i looked at her, i knew i could never see my life going any other way.

"maman?" she asked quietly as she got to her feet so that i could help her get dressed.

"oui?"

"why are we up so early?"

"i have to go to work today, papillon." i pulled her pajama top off and helped her put on the replacement, doing the same with her flannel pants and trading them in for jeans. i smoothed out her hair as she looked up at me, a fear brimming in her eyes. she knew she couldn't come with me and i have no doubt her mind jumped to wanting to know what was going to happen to her. "you're going to spend the day with cosima. is that okay?"

the way her eyes lit up, the way her grin was sweeping and bright, it was one of those moments for me, where i realized just how much i loved her. i had somehow known that she would not oppose the idea; if there was anyone she could choose, i did not doubt that it was cosima. i could not explain the bond they had and i knew that i was no one to question it. she trusted the other woman and for now, it worked out for everyone. part of me wondered why cosima didn't skip a beat in offering her hand so readily; was that how she had been raised, to help those in need? maybe it was just who she had allowed herself to become. it didn't matter; what i could see her becoming was an incredibly good friend.

after buckling her in and a ten minute drive to the address that had been jotted down in cosima's neat scrawl, she was nearly bursting from her car seat, excited to see her librarian friend. i lifted her out and took her hand, gently instructing her to stay close to my side as we crossed the street and she eagerly nodded her head in agreement. there was a stone walkway through the front yard that led from the sidewalk to the door and sera did not hesitate to let go of my hand and skip across the stones, exclaiming that she couldn't touch the grass. her giggles filled the crisp morning air and i swore in that moment that there would never be a better beginning to any day. i watched as she bounced up to the front door and knocked three times, the dainty taps of her fist barely giving much of a knock at all, but it had apparently been loud enough, as suddenly, the door was opening and cosima was greeting the day just as we had; with a smile.

"bonjour, cosima!" sera greeted a bit loudly for how early it was, but the other woman did not seem to mind in the least.

"good morning, sera!" just watching their exchange had me smiling from ear to her, though i quickly realized that i was going to be late and that was the last thing i wanted on my first day back. i stepped forward, dropping sera's bag from my shoulder.

"i have anything and everything you might need from snacks to books. i wish i could stay longer but…" i was genuinely apologetic; partly because it was difficult to walk away from my little girl, no matter whose hands she was in.

instantly, cosima threw up her hands, her expression relaxing automatically. "no, no!" she insisted, her hands waving a bit more emphatically. "don't worry. i'll see to it that we have a good day and learn a lot of interesting things! the world is full of knowledge to be learned!" she took the bag from me and threw it over a shoulder, holding the door open as sera trotted inside, hesitating next to comia's side as we spoke. "go! don't be late! and try not to worry so much, those lines are bad enough as it is!"

with only a slight hesitation and a slight wave, i smiled at cosima and as i turned to make my way back to the walk, i felt a tug at the tail of my jacket. i turned to see sera staring up at me expectantly. "non sans un baiser, maman!" i laughed softly and stooped down, placing a light kiss on each cheek before she did the same thing in return to me.

"au revoir, papillon, avoir une journée incroyable!" she made her way back to cosima and as i turned to make my way back to the car, i could hear the other woman post a quiet question.

"you're gonna have to teach me french," she joked. "then we can have top secret conversations, too."

going back to work, it was honestly like riding a bicycle. no matter how much time went by, you could never forget how. everyone was like a family, the few other scientists i worked with were almost like a family; they had all sent flowers and expressed their condolences. coming back, i think they all understood my need for a sense of normalcy, to get on with my life again. at lunch, i fought with every ounce of my being to not call and check in on sera; i didn't want cosima to think i was that crazy mom who didn't trust anyone. but why? why did i care what cosima thought of me, or how i took care of my daughter? i had always been so independent, so unafraid of any or all judgement placed upon me by other people. so then what made her any different? i didn't know, but i knew i couldn't dwell on it and instead kept busy until it was time to hang up my lab coat and make my way home to see my girl.

making my way up cosima's front walk for the second time that day, even i couldn't resist the urge to skip a few of them. it was silly, and i knew that, but it also brought out a small sliver of laughter, a sound which was foreign to my ears. after knocking and waiting a few moments, cosima came to the door, a smile causing her cheeks to push up her glasses the tiniest bit. "i'm really sorry, i tried to keep her up so she would sleep tonight, but she's wiped. i didn't mean to wear her out."

was she serious? i was partially sure she was, but i wanted her to be kidding. she was an absolute blessing. i would be able to go home, cook dinner, get her a bath and put her to bed where she would sleep through the night. "do not worry," i assured her, gently reaching out to touch her fingers lightly, just a brush of a touch, barely there.

cosima's shoulders relaxed and that crescent moon of a smile returned to her lips. "would you…" she hesitated, that nervous gleam sparking in her eyes as it had before. "would you like to come in, maybe stay for some tea?"

i studied her and was quickly able to tell that her nerves were nearly tangible. "that would be nice," i replied and stepped inside as she motioned for me to do so. she put on a kettle and we found ourselves on stools at the kitchen counter. "i hope she was not too much of a handful for you." i started, not knowing why my very first instinct was to apologize; i knew sera and i knew that she was a delight compared to most kids her age.

cosima rolled her eyes playfully, dismissing me with a light wave of her hands. "are you kidding me? i think i might have had more fun than she did." the way she ginned, the airy quality of her tone, i was so taken by her, by the incredibly sweet disposition she seemed to carry with her consistently. "we even planted some herbs in the garden out back."

"oh, you cook?" i questioned. the words fell out of my mouth before i could stop them. it was a silly inquiry but it was so automatic and there had been no hope in repressing it.

if it were possible, her grin seemed to widen. "i do. sera thinks i make the best grilled cheese…" she paused, her mouth pulling into a tight 'o' shape as she looked completely shocked. her face broke, though, and she was smiling again. "she told me not to tell you that, but i have a feeling you're not too upset." she was right, i wasn't. maybe if it would have been anyone else, i might have been, but because it was her? how could i be?

we spent the next forty minutes talking over tea, sharing jokes and quiet laughs but as i glanced up to peer into the living room, i could see sera starting to stir. "i should probably get her home. but thank you for the tea and the conversation. we should do this more often." her response was… for lack of a better term, impossibly adorable. there was a new light in her face that traveled to her eyes and she was nodding her head, those dreads happily swinging over her shoulders.

"that sounds wonderful. see you tomorrow morning?" she was in the doorway as i crossed the room and picked up sera's bag and then pulled her into my arms, her cheek slumping to rest on my shoulder, a quiet grumble falling from her lips. i nodded my head in response to cosima's question and thanked her twice more, once for being a last-minute babysitter and once as she held open the door for me, noting that i very obviously had my hands full. she turned back into the house and gave a final wave before she slipped inside, leaving me staring at the door she had just passed through.

after dinner, forty five minutes of planet earth, and a bath, i found myself nestled alongside sera in her bed, my fingers playing lightly with her wet hair as i sang her favorite lullaby, watching contentedly as her eyes grew heavy, the exhaustion catching up to her. "dodo, l'enfant do, l'enfant dormira bien vite. dodo, l'enfant do l'enfant dormira bientôt. une poule blanche, est là dans la grange. qui va faire un petit coco, pour l'enfant qui va fair' dodo." her breathing had evened out and i was sure that she had drifted off, but as i moved to get up, she stirred, rubbing at her eyes.

"maman?" she posed in a whisper.

"oui ma cherie?"

"do i get to see cosima again?"

"oui, tomorrow. is that okay?" i think i saw her head nod slightly on her pillow, but she did not verbalize an answer. i left her door cracked and made my way downstairs to finish up the dishes before i headed to bed. in the process of doing so, though, a thought struck me.

i wasn't sure who was more excited to see cosima the following day, seraphina… or me.