author's note: this got outrageously long ridiculously fast, so my apologies, but all the fluffiness is completely worth it. i promise. also, its 4:30 so more apologies for any typos or grammar issues!
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"toi me manque, papillon!" i stepped over the threshold into cosima's home and was instantly met with sera darting toward my legs. i stooped down and held my arms open, overwhelmed with warmth as she ran into them, hugging me. it was the most rewarding feeling, as a parent, to have to work and still come home to something so wonderful, no matter how your day had previously gone. it made it all better.
"maman, maman, cosima a des diamants!" as she pulled back to look up at me, there was a twinkle in her eye that was completely astonishing. it had become more than obvious to me in the past four days that i had made the right decision; this woman was an absolute natural and she had completely charmed my daughter. who could blame her? a small voice in the back of my mind would say, but i tried my hardest to pretend it wasn't there.
"diamonds, hm?" i asked, glancing up at the librarian with a smile
"well, not diamonds," she clarified with a warm smile, in no way being condescending in correcting seraphina, her hands wringing around one another. it was, if i didn't know any better, a sign of nervousness. hadn't she realized; she had nothing to be nervous about when it came to me. she was an angel, in my eyes "quartz. a gift from my father before he passed away."
have you ever put a puzzle together and there are, say, two pieces left and no matter which way you turn them, they don't appear to go in either open space? perhaps like they seem to be from another puzzle entirely? and then, in one magical moment, you flip them the right way, put them into place, and you see the whole picture, the finished puzzle? for eighteen months, more specifically the last two, cosima had been my puzzle. i had spent weeks on weeks trying to figure her out, to understand her motives for being so kind to a stranger. i had not realized that we weren't strangers anymore, not really, nor had i stopped to realize that she, someone who was so light on the surface and so full of life, could have seen loss in her own time. it made sense; the way she pulled herself inward, the nervous wringing of her hands. in all that time previously spent with her had i never seen her so… reserved, and knowing why caused everything else to fall together.
i fought it with every ounce of my being, but i could feel my eyes glass over with the threat of tears. it was all just so incredibly overwhelming, every new piece of knowledge i gained about this woman. she had been such an enigma previously, but it was all slowly unraveling and on her terms. i lifted sera into my arms and looked over at cosima, a sad but knowing smile just barely gracing my lips. as her honey-almond gaze locked with mine, i felt an inexplicable tide of emotion wash over me, like i was seeing things for the first time and overwhelmed with the intensity. she gave the slightest of nods with a returned smile and if i would have blinked, i might have missed it, but the sentiment was there.
"i hate to say it, but i have an earlier class tonight. i'd much rather stay here with the two of you and talk about the most boring things we could possibly think of. it would still be more fun than attending a lecture." there it was, a sound i had… what? missed? cosima's laughter was so sweet, so gentle. thankfully, i didn't have much time to dwell on it as sera started squirming in my arms, wanting down.
"what are you doing, ma chérie?" i asked her as her feet hit the ground.
"i need to say au revoir!" she replied back brightly, beginning to scour the living room, looking under furniture and bookshelves.
"to who?"
"le chaton!" i cocked a brow and looked to cosima, who was grinning so widely that her cheeks pushed up her glasses the tiniest bit.
"my kitten. darwin." instantly, i was smiling so widely my face felt like it might crack.
"you're a biologist." i was smiling again. it made sense; the classes, the tattoo, the books on her shelves that she thought i didn't notice, and now the name of her cat.
"evo devo," she replied coolly, though i did not initially catch on. she was still grinning at me as i thought, almost like she could hear what was going through my mind.
"evo…lutionary developmental biology!" the amusement that danced in her eyes at my verbalized line of logic amazed me. how did she hold such a maintained sense of youthfulness and innocence while being so… brilliant? i did not need to see her work on paper to know that much.
sera approached me, carrying the small ball of fur like precious cargo in her arms as if she wanted me to say goodbye, too. i took the kitten from her and held him close to my face, marveling at how small he was. "au revoir, darwin," i cooed. i handed him over to cosima and turned to pick up sera's bag before taking her hand. "au revoir, cosima!" we chirped in unison, unintentionally, causing the both of us to giggle. we waved and as we headed through the door, i heard something i had not been expecting.
"au revoir! vous voir demain!"
i wanted to stop, to go back in. but then what? what would i do? just four days ago, she had jokingly mentioned that sera should teach her french and then that? i glanced down at the toddler trying to keep stride next to me and she instantly gave herself away— her hand was clasped to her mouth and she was giggling. "seraphina…" i trailed, raising an eyebrow in suspicion.
"oui, maman?" she answered, her voice sweet as sugar. looking down at her again, i found those bright green eyes staring back up into mine as she batted her lashes for effect.
"did you teach cosima how to say that?"
she giggled back in response and i had my answer. i scooped her up into my arms and placed several kisses over her face. "mon petit génie!" she was laughing, squirming in my arms, demanding that i put her down. i had joined in her laughter as i managed to open the car door. as i started to fasten her into her car seat, she reached up with both hands and pushed up my cheeks. "what are you doing, silly girl?" i questioned, breathing a light laugh.
"making you smile, maman."
that night, sleep was not a friend to me. in fact, sleep was not even an acquaintance. i had laid with sera well after she had fallen asleep; part of me didn't want to move and another part of me liked having her so close after almost and entire week of missing her for eight hours a day. even after i found the gumption to move, my mind simply would not rest. i had showered and even attempted sleep, but the gears simply wouldn't stop turning.
as a scientist, facts were power to me, almost like a form of currency. so then why was i letting myself get so wrapped up in these ridiculous emotions? part of me, most likely located near my heart, wanted me to believe that in that moment of realization that afternoon, there was a connection that had been established the moment my eyes met cosima's. it was like trying to spend the money from the game monopoly in the real world, letting emotions dictate over facts. it just wasn't possible. i had done that once before and look at where it had gotten me— that logic was flawed. yes, i had been hurting and healing, but i still had a life, one with my beautiful daughter, and i owed it to her to make the most out of each and every day we had.
the more i thought about it, the more i realized that i was letting guilt dominate my frame of mind. how could i let my guards down like that? it had been just over nine weeks since michel's passing and yet, this woman, with a single glance, was what? giving me butterflies? it was ludicrous, absolute insanity. the last thing i could give any thought to was becoming emotionally vested in someone else. i told myself that it wasn't fair; it wasn't fair to cosima, to me, but most importantly, it wasn't fair to sera.
i had pulled a few books from my own shelves and kept myself up and occupied for the rest of the night, clutching a warm mug of tea between my palms to keep them from going cold. by the time morning came and the sun climbed slowly over the horizon, i felt simultaneously exhausted and yet, ready to begin the day. it was the same routine of coaxing sera out of bed, though it seemed to be considerably easier than it had at the beginning of the week. i scolded myself for immediately attributing that to cosima. the entire drive over, i had talked myself into not letting my tendency to over-think things make any interactions between us awkward. we could be adults and nothing had to change. if only i could stay out of my own damn head.
i had tried to keep it short, primarily because i knew that even with makeup, the bags beneath my eyes still revealed themselves, and i also knew that cosima was entirely too perceptive for her own good. although she made no mention of it, her ability did not disappoint. as i was saying my goodbyes to sera, cosima disappeared into the kitchen and returned, holding both hands out toward me; in one hand was a travel mug of tea and in the other was a b12 vitamin. "i had some extra tea and… well, i obviously don't need to explain to you of all people the benefits of b12."
where, actually, had this woman come from? was this all, in reality, a dream that i was bound to wake up from? no one person could honestly be so observant, kind, and considerate all at once. she'd taken one look at me and was able to know that i hadn't slept well, or possibly even at all. how did she do it? i insisted that i would be fine, but she was persistent, not giving up. i was stubborn, at least until she pointed out that if i stood there and argued with her any longer, i was going to make myself late for work. my eyes narrowed and i tried to glare at her, hating that she was right, but she laughed, which turned into a sweeping grin, her tongue poking just barely between the two rows of pearly whites. for a brief second, i caught myself wondering if she was even human. obviously it was absurd, but she was just too incredibly good to be true.
i thanked her, gave sera one last kiss on the top of the head, and made my way to work, my mind still so stuck on the perpetual kindness cosima always seemed to offer. not only was i beginning to figure her out when it came to certain aspects, but she was keeping up that appearance of illusion when it came to other parts of her. i was so fervently perplexed by her that it was beginning to drive me crazy. i had this sudden craving for knowledge, for her knowledge, to learn everything i could about her, but i knew how aggressive it seemed. the last thing i needed to do was scare off the only friend i really had.
part of me hated that i was allowing cosima and thoughts of her to consume my mind, even as i worked. i could focus, yes, but on more than one thing at a time. yes, i was able to perform and do my duties, but my mind had been able to wander at the same time. when had i let this happen? why had i let this happen? i needed to learn how to separate possibly contrived, non-existent feelings and the solid, honest facts. that, though, was a task in and of itself. my mind was, even hours later, in a state of disarray as i made my way down the familiar streets, leading me straight to cosima's. everything that had been playing on repeat in my head, everything that i had been letting get to me, it had to go before i stepped into her home. that was nothing more than wishful thinking and logically, i knew it.
i tapped gently on the screen door with two knuckles and could hear cosima's voice from a distance, my guess was to signal me to come inside, so i did. the moment i stepped inside, the smell enveloped me whole and it was heavenly, like fresh baked bread from the bakeries in paris. "revenir ici maman!" sera called and i followed the sweet sound of her voice, leading me back to kitchen to see her with flour on her nose and her hands clutching shredded cheese. "look! we are making dinner!" sera was so thoroughly excited, i could tell just by her tone, that i could hardly keep the smile from sliding onto my lips.
"i promise i was going to clean her up before you got here," cosima assured me, which elicited laughter from me.
"you should know by now that your apologies and sorrow are not needed here. i am her mother, after all. i know how much effort it takes to keep a growing mind entertained." cosima smiled, but quickly wiped off her hands before turning to the oven and grabbing a mitt. the pizza she pulled out was rather small and covered in broccoli and pepperoni— without a doubt, i knew it was for sera.
"you have to wait for it to cool first, okay?" she informed sera, who nodded, distracted by her task of putting the cheese clutched in her small fists on the sauce-laden dough beneath her. seeing her there, kneeling on the chair next to cosima so that she could reach the counter, it caused my heart to squeeze in my chest. my brain cataloged it, tucked it away for a later date to be used as a sentimental memory. cosima glanced up at me over her shoulder and offered up an incredibly warm smile. "i thought maybe at the end of a long week, the last thing you'd want to do was cook."
"you truly are a bénédiction." her brow knit together and a thin line of concentration creased her smooth forehead. i cracked a smile and translated for her. "blessing."
she had started to say something but she was cut off by sera. "maman! cosima and i, all of the légumes came from the back yard!" it was her excited way of telling me they had picked the vegetables for the toppings of the pizzas they had been making. i tilted my head at cosima, a brow popping in curiosity.
"so not only do you grow herbs, but you have a vegetable garden, too? color me impressed." as i leaned against the hard wood of the doorway, i could almost sense cosima's grin grow exponentially.
"i'm a grower, not a shower," she joked and even if i could not see it that well, i could hear the way her lips twisted into a pleased smirk at her own humor in her tone of voice. i, myself, laughed far louder than i had intended and immediately clasped a hand over my mouth, my eyes dancing with the amusement i'd found in her words. she looked up at me and for a moment, i felt as though the look in her eyes mirrored my own, though her grin was far bigger than my own.
i had simply waited in the wings, watching as the two of them worked, placing the other pizza— the one for cosima and i to share— in the oven before getting sera squared away with hers. i'd taken the seat next to her at the table as cosima bustled about the kitchen. a moment later, she approached the table, cradling two glasses of red wine in her palms. she handed one to me and while i should have been apprehensive or insisted that she had done enough as it was, i couldn't turn her away. it was just one glass, with dinner, and it had been months since i'd had a drink. she held up her glass with a comforting smile. "to fridays," she toasted and i tapped the edge of my own glass to hers.
"to fridays."
dinner had been wonderful; it was nice to have another addition, although i would gladly eat dinner alone with sera for the rest of my life if i had to. there was just something about the way i could look at the other woman as we shared theories and knowledge back and forth like an express way and just feel like someone truly understood. she spoke so passionately about the things she knew, the things she had learned, and each and every gesture she made seemed like a vital part of her language, the way she communicated with me. it was surreal, and completely mesmerizing. sera would often roll her eyes or do mocking gestures with her hands, but each time, cosima and i would laugh, undoubtedly encouraging her. after dinner, i had volunteered to clean up because the two of them had worked so hard making such an amazing meal and while cosima tried to protest, i did not waste time in telling her it was a battle she was not going to win.
as i did the dishes, she put on a movie for sera— one of her favorites— the aristocats. sera had placed herself on the floor, her head propped up on a pillow with darwin curled up in the crook of her arm. shortly after i finished, i joined cosima on the couch. before i could even take the breath to say much of anything, cosima put up a hand to silence me.
"i know what you're going to say, and i'm going to tell you almost the same thing you told me. there's no need for your thanks here." she turned her head to look at me and her lips curled in that particular way that sparked a small burning sensation in the pit of my stomach. "i'm just paying it forward."
my expression softened and i was at a loss for words. she was so incredibly sweet that it was irrational, and she was so understanding that it seemed like something ripped right out of fiction, the way i had always expected a hero to be. i glanced down at the floor and smiled the slightest bit to see sera on her side, curled up with darwin, asleep. it was still so amazing how somehow, sera had been so drawn to this woman and how, in her own ways, cosima had already positively impacted not just sera's life, but mine, too. before i realized what it was i was doing, i glanced down to see my hand wrapped over top of cosima's fingers, squeezing gently. it was saying everything, all of the words my dry throat could not form, but even i had been unaware of my unspoken form of communication, at least until i looked up.
all at once, it was like the lightning had started and the thunder was rolling in, at the very core of my brain. every last electron was pulsing, flashing, and i felt like i was short-circuiting. cosima's lips on my own caught me so immeasurably off guard that it— quite literally— stole the breath from my lungs. she tasted of wine with a small trace of mint— probably from the tictac she had been toying with earlier. my hands desperately sought out her face and initially, i wasn't sure if it was in desire or panic, but the panic quickly won out. my eyes were wide as i pulled my face back an inch or so away from hers. "cosima… i—" before i could even fail at another attempt to form words, she was speaking.
"oh god, delphine… i… you're not… god, i'm so sorry." there was a lump rising in my throat and i was at a complete loss. i couldn't tell her not to apologize, even though i wanted to, but i also couldn't lie and tell her that it hadn't completely rocked my comprehension of the way my life was going.
instinctively, i wet my lips and was met with a taste of wine; i was sure my imagination threw in the dash of mint just for cruel effect. as i got to my feet, i cleared my throat. "we should… i should get her home and in bed. it's late."
"of course, of course." she tried to keep that upbeat pitch to her voice, but i could hear the panic she was bearing just as plain as i could see it on her face. i couldn't handle this, not all at once. i needed time to process it. i slipped sera's shoes into her bag and picked her up— she barely even stirred aside from wiping at her eyes.
"we'll see you on monday," i told her quietly, trying not to further rouse seraphina from sleep. i offered a bit of an awkward wave and made my way out the door, my mind still racing a million miles a minute. what had just happened? why did i feel so horrified? i wasn't repulsed by her. if anything, i was in awe of everything she was. but i had run. like a coward with my tail between my legs, i had run. the fasten of sera's car seat clicked into place and i had turned to shut the door, but the sound of my daughter's voice stopped me.
"maman?" she questioned groggily. i hummed in response, encouraging her to continue. "why do we have to leave?"
for a moment, i nearly sputtered; i was sure my heart had leaped into my throat. "it's night time, ma chérie. time for you to go home and go to bed. why do you ask?"
she rubbed at her eyes and snuggled into her car seat. "because cosima makes you smile more than i can."
i leaned over and kissed her forehead without another word and shut the door. i needed a moment and so, i leaned against the car, running my hands over my face and through my hair. "merde." even my three year old had, in her own simplistically strange way, derived the core importance of this… friendship? between cosima and i. is that what it could be called? maybe while sera had been teaching cosima bits of french, cosima had been teaching sera how to be perceptive in her own right.
the scariest part was that she was right.