"you're running late, i understand."
"i know, i know. i'm so sorry, i really… i'm not upset, i promise. and we'll talk. i was just an idiot and didn't give myself enough time to do it this morning and i—" always with the hands, but it got me to stop talking.
"delphine, i know." the smile. that disarming, charming, sweet smile. "we'll talk later. now go! you're going to be late!"
it was like a movie clip, playing on repeat in my head the entire way to work. it was insane if i thought it would stop once i started working. it seemed so insignificant, like it was nothing more than a brief moment, a simple interaction and yet, it had me completely tied up. maybe it was because i knew so much more than cosima did, maybe because i understood things in a new light and her knowledge of that having happened was little to none.
there was still some part of me that was truly shaken by the way things had unfolded, by finding the things i needed to find when i needed to find them, both the letter and cosima. my head was still trying to tell me that i was getting far too ahead of myself, that i shouldn't be exploring the possibility of having feelings for someone else so soon after michel's passing, but he himself had hit the nail on the head; he had known me down to the last freckle on my back, inside and out, and he'd been able to foresee and predict my reaction. he had not known when it would happen, nor could he possibly have known that i would start to feel these things for this insanely smart, quirky, gentle woman. after re-reading his letter at least four times over the next day, i understood that he would not have cared. all he wanted was for someone to love sera, and to love me because he no longer could.
i tried not to think about what he must have been experiencing to write something like that and yet, i still felt his ache, or at least a fraction of it. i was trying my hardest, even throughout the day, to take his advice and turn the volume down on my thoughts, and it was slowly beginning to work. by the time i slipped out of my lab coat and grabbed my things to leave, my nerves had lessened considerably. i was trying my damnedest to stop over-thinking things, to stop running myself into the ground. there was no benefit to anyone and if anything, i was only hurting myself, and as it had so quickly come to my attention, sera as well.
the noise from the radio was almost too much for me to take as i drove. the inside of my skull was far too noisy as it was and it was accompanied by a steady rhythm of my heart thudding in my chest, which did not make things any better. i was attempting to talk myself out of being an emotional mess and for the most part, i was listening. however, i would then start thinking about how gentle and understanding cosima had been that morning and how, after abruptly leaving and then missing saturday morning, she would have had every right to be upset with me. she could have taken that path, could have continued to babysit sera until i found a replacement (even if i had honestly stopped looking), and could have kept our relations to a minimum. that wasn't who cosima was, though, even i knew that.
cutting the engine, i let my hand drop, the keys dangling from where i had not yet pulled them out, causing them to clink together softly. i could hardly hear it over the pulse in my ears. jesus, what was going on? i hadn't felt like that since… since the very first date i had ever been on with michel. my hands found the wheel and slid to the 11 and 1 positions, my forehead coming to rest in the empty space between them. it was all so very confusing and by association, so incredibly frustrating. i thought that maybe this was something that would go away, that it was something i would stop paying heed to eventually, but in my bones, i knew i was wrong. when i thought about sera happily in the cradle made by cosima's legs as she sat with them crossed, both of them peering over a book, it made my heart race and my palms sweat. the night i had come in to find them making pizza together? just reflecting on the memory gave me this feeling that words were inadequately suited to describe.
with a deep breath, slowly in through the nose, i tucked my purse on the floor board and climbed out of the car. i ran a hand haphazardly through my messy blonde hair and wiggled myself into better posture, holding my head up as i crossed cosima's lawn. almost immediately after i knocked, cosima opened the door, donning the brightest grin i had seen in a while. "i have some bad news to report…" she informed me as she let me inside, shutting the door behind me. i glanced around and sera was nowhere to be seen. i turned back to cosima and raised an eyebrow, as if indicating for her to continue. her grin only seemed to grow. "sera has disappeared. i think she somehow wound up on the island of lost boys!"
"but… isn't that for… boys?" i asked, a knowing smirk pushing up the corners of my lips as i began to trounce around the room, pretending to look in every crevice for my little girl. i knelt down behind the couch and as expected, heard her retort.
"boys are… smelly!" i felt her weight drop onto my back as she toppled over the backing of the couch and wrapped her arms as gently as she could manage around my neck, hugging me tightly. as i laughed, i realized that i was not the only one. standing, i turned to see cosima, her cheeks cherry red and her smile so full of amusement, just as her eyes danced with light. i can only imagine what she saw in those few moments, sera's chin digging into my shoulder, her arms and legs still wrapped around me to the best of her abilities. we were both smiling; i knew that much without even having to look at seraphina. if there was anything that had become painfully obvious to me, it was that cosima could most certainly make her smile.
"look at this kodak moment," she gushed at me and i could not refrain from rolling my eyes. i had known it was coming and yet, it was still almost too much to handle, especially with the way she put her hands up, making 'L' shapes with her forefingers and thumbs and sliding them into place to make a square. she even squeezed an eye shut as she looked at us through the makeshift frame.
sera slid off of my back and made her way back to what i presume she had been doing before i had showed up, playing with darwin. cosima stepped toward me, lightly brushing my arm as she passed by and headed for the kitchen, to tend to a tea kettle that i had not realized had started whistling. my posture slacked in a barely noticeable way, but it was an indication that i was softening toward her already. of course she had put on a pot for tea; she'd known i was coming over, hadn't she? i took a seat at the table as she came over with the two mugs, the steam rolling off the top of them in curling wisps. i took the one she offered me and held it between my palms; it was a habit. there was something about the warmth, the way it mimicked having another palm between mine, a hand to hold.
"about friday night…" some part of me knew how she was going to start that conversation, and i had been right. i immediately set my mug down and turned to her, scooting my chair toward hers the slightest bit. she had started to lift her hands but i took them into my own, holding them delicately, like i thought they might break in my gasp if i wasn't careful enough.
"écouter, cosima. just listen. don't apologize, please, and don't feel bad. what happened… yes, it caught me off guard. yes, i wouldn't know where to begin with attempting to explain the tangle of things that have been going on in my head. however, neither of those things mean that…" i hesitated, looking down at our hands together as i nervously sucked on my lower lip, catching it and holding it just briefly with my teeth. "that it was unwelcome." i knew that if i would have taken even a moment to think about all of this before actually going through the motions, anxiety would have grabbed me up by the throat and refused to let go. having run head-first into it, while not exactly a sound decision, was proving to have at least semi-decent results.
when i finished speaking, my stomach filled with butterflies as i could feel cosima's grip tighten around my hands. my eyes trailed over her arms, every little curve and divot of muscle and skin, and made their way up to her face. she was smiling, yes, but it wasn't an ear-to-ear smile like i was used to from her. instead, her eyes were glassy, vulnerable, and there was an adorable pink tint dusting her cheeks. i never could have known that one single admission would ever have that effect on someone. "really?" she asked me, her voice cracking with a happiness i'd never bared witness to before. how could she show me so many things i'd never seen or understood before? how could this woman lay all of these feelings, emotions, situations in front of me and yet, make me question the way i had always seen the world?
i pressed my lips together in a tight but assuring smile, giving my head one quick nod, my eyes never once leaving hers. "really." the pad of my thumb brushed absentmindedly over the backs of her knuckles and with the sudden shift in her eyes, i quickly deduced that she realized i was not quite finished. as i tilted my head to the side, causing a slight cascade of my hair over my brow, i smiled at her and could visibly see a reduction of tension— primarily in her shoulders. "obviously we don't have all the time i'd like to talk about things," i started, glancing over at sera before turning my gaze back to cosima. "so i was wondering if you might like to join sera and i for dinner friday evening."
i was beginning to wonder, as i gauged her reaction, if cosima's smile had become a permanent fixture. i think, since we sat down, she had hardly stopped, not that i could blame her. "that would be wonderful," she answered, her voice soft, yet so incredibly bright. she was so honestly enthralling and it seemed like positive energy rolled off of her in waves. how could i possibly not want to spend more time with her?
if she had thought, for one second, that my invitation was an excuse to forego spending upwards of an hour and a half at her place every day after work, when i came to pick up sera, she had been wrong. in fact, as the end of the week neared, i found myself excited by the prospect of the two of them being the first thing i got to see when i left work. of course i was always enamored with the idea of seeing sera, but now, it was as though cosima had somehow fell into that category without even making an effort to do so.
before i'd realized it, friday night had come and it was the first night the entire week that i had been hasty in picking up sera. thankfully, cosima had been more than understanding and had happily chirped out that she would see us at six. i had rushed home, given sera a bath, braided her hair, and set to making dinner. when cosima showed up, i had not considered the possibility that she could do anything to make herself seem more beautiful, but as i pulled open the door and saw her standing there, her dreads neatly pulled into a bun, and clad in a smooth black dress that clung to her curves in all the right places. she was a vision, if i'd ever seen one.
as if i wasn't already completely enraptured with the way she carried herself and couldn't seem to stop smiling, the moment she stepped inside, she knelt down and although i knew what was coming, i was still trying to feign indifference as she pulled darwin out of her purse, along with a bag of cat food and a bottle of water. sera squealed in delight and happily took the kitten from cosima's grasp, plopping down on the floor with him, already happily distracted. as i finished cooking, cosima sat at the counter, watching me with this look i could not quite place, that accompanied an equally indescribable gleam in her eyes. it was making me nervous, though i did my best to hide it from her. the last thing i needed to do was make things awkward, but i was entirely unsuccessful as i removed a pan from the oven— and managed to burn myself. i hissed instinctively and dropped the pan on the counter, shaking my hand feverishly. instantly, cosima was on her feet and by my side, taking my hand in hers as she guided me toward the sink, running cold water over my fingers.
"merci, i'm such a clumsy person," i told her, glancing down at her as she looked up from beneath her brow at me, a crooked smile springing to her lips.
"no worries, it happens to the best of us."
it seemed to me, at least, like dinner had gone by in the blink of an eye. cosima had accepted the invitation of sharing a glass of white wine after i put sera to bed. however, that had been a debacle in and of itself. sera was restless, at least at first. she wanted to spend more time with cosima, but the truth was, so did i. we still had to have that talk, after all. it had taken twenty minutes before i'd finally come up with a solution. i popped into the living room and asked cosima for a favor, one which she seemed to take to readily. i returned to sera's bedroom, the small ball of calico fluff cradled in my arms. i finally talked her into falling asleep, so long as she had darwin with her, and she reluctantly agreed. i left her room and cracked the door open, bidding her sweet dreams. part of me was sure that she was going to ask me a flurry of questions, but she snuggled up with the kitten and let it be, and that was good enough for me.
i grabbed up my wine glass and plopped down next to cosima on the couch, heaving a relieved sigh. i was happy to have alone time with her, despite what i might have thought not one week earlier. as i looked at her, though, taking a delicate sip from her wine glass, that fog seemed to take over my brain, the one that disabled me from forming coherent sentence structures in my head. there were so many things that i wanted her to know; that i was sorry for running away and skipping out on her, that i had been scared, that it had nearly killed me to keep her waiting for so long. i wanted to explain to her the feeling i got in my gut when she smiled, and the way the hair on the back of my neck stood on end when she laughed. i wanted to tell her how difficult it was for me when she would smile and her tongue would poke out between her teeth, or how it made my head swim when she would wrinkle her nose in such a disarrayed yet precise way.
she turned to look at me, as if she had known that i'd had so many words sitting on the tip of my tongue. i don't know what took over me; maybe it was the second glass of wine, or maybe it was her proximity coupled with my jumbled thoughts. whatever it was, it made me the bravest i had been in years. with one arm running along the back of the couch, the base of the wine glass nearly toward the edge, i reached up with my free hand and delicately placed my fingertips along the scape of her jawline, gently pulling her face toward my own.
if i could have possibly forgotten what it was like to kiss her, i was violently thrown back into that world of fire and light, the breath nearly jumping right out of my lungs. she must have set her own glass on the end table because before i knew it, both of her palms were on my face and she was holding me tightly, close, like she couldn't get enough. it was the most wanted i'd felt in nearly three months and it was a feeling i desperately wanted to cling to. after what simultaneously felt like a split second and an eternity, the quiet smacking of lips quieted and instead, the only thing that filled the air around us was the sounds of our uneven breathing and for a brief moment, i thought it oddly poetic.
"that's some conversation," cosima mused at me, her nose ever-so-lightly brushing the side of mine. our breathy laughs tangled in the air in a blissful meshing of sound.
"actions speak louder than words," i teased her in a murmur. i could feel my teeth digging habitually into my bottom lip, my eyes tracing over every delicate, beautiful feature of her face. my hand dropped to rest on the side of her neck, the pad of my thumb running along her jaw. "i… i've been waiting for the right time to do that. and i just realized… there would never be a right time. just so many moments that were waiting to turn into the right time."
cosima traced a fingertip along my cheekbone, watching the intricate path she made, back and forth, back and forth. her eyes shifted up and met mine, which i knew were betraying me. "you don't have to explain yourself to me, you know. if anything, i should be the one apologizing." a few lines appeared across my forehead as my brow knit together in a frown. before i could speak, her lips were parting again and the sweet sound of her voice was filling my ears. "i knew what you were… are going through and i… i took advantage of that."
my face cracked and a weak laugh sounded from somewhere in my throat, causing the confusion to shift to her features. "you didn't take advantage of anything. i told you, i'm not upset." i glanced between us and offered her another smile. "obviously." it was then that i noticed the way we were placed on the couch and how our knees were touching, just barely, but still there. i swallowed down the thought and focused every inch of my attention span on her, on every little detail about her. i was trying to form words, to explain to her what, exactly, was going on in my head, but i was failing miserably. "i've just… been so wrapped up in trying to fill the shoes of both parents for her that i'd thought it meant i couldn't have anything for myself. but you… you've been a godsend. she adores you and… and somehow, with her juvenile sleuth and cunning, she's come to realize that i do, too."
if i'd ever seen adoration in an expression, it had definitely been in the way cosima looked at me at that moment. her palm was flat against my cheek and i could feel the nerves bubbling up in my chest. a week ago, being in this position would have been abhorrently terrifying to me. in fact, i probably wouldn't have been able to stop thinking about how it felt like i was betraying michel, but i knew better now. i had started to feed her more of an explanation, try to pinpoint all of the things i'd wanted to apologize for, but i was stopped abruptly as cosima pressed her finger to my lips, silencing me. my eyes went slightly wide and i was stuck mid-sentence with my mouth hanging open stupidly. "delphine," she managed quietly, that child-like grin painting her face, "please. stop talking."
i kissed her finger before reaching to pull it down, lacing my fingers with hers as i scooted closer toward her, closing the gap of space between us, my arm still resting behind her on the couch. "actions speak louder than words, is that it?" i quipped again in a bit of a hushed mumble, sealing off those last few centimeters with another delectable kiss, the smirk still hanging on my lips. the white wine sat differently on her lips, but made them somehow taste sweeter. i had quickly gotten so lost in the feel of her hands on my neck, my side, and the way our tongues danced so delicately yet so artfully together that i had completely forgotten about the stem of the glass between my fingers— at least until it slipped away and hit the hardwood floor and shattered. i suddenly pulled away and attempted to look over the back of the couch, but doing so only opened a door for cosima, who ran through it without hesitation, pressing her lips to the side of my neck, just below my ear. the action elicited an involuntary gasp on my behalf, my now-free hand moving to clutch at her bicep, maybe hoping it would help steady my head.
"i…" the word, the lone letter, it sounded so pathetic falling from my lips in a sound that could hardly be deemed as a whimper.
"you?" she questioned back, peppering kisses in a trail down my neck and over my shoulder, toward the neckline of the top i was wearing. absentmindedly, the fire she left on my skin with each kiss caused me to lick my lips.
"i… i think we should go upstairs."