"oh, you do, do you? is that what you think?" she thought she was being sly, playing up the coy card. she knew what she was doing, she knew that i wouldn't turn her down. if anything, it was that adorably timid act that would pull me in even further. she knew what she was playing at and honestly, she was playing me like a violin.
i reached up to hold her jawline between my thumb and forefinger, the rest of my fingers curling toward her neck as i tilted her head up toward mine, the right corner of my lips tugging up just slightly as i searched her expression at close range. we were both toeing opposite sides of the same line; she didn't want to push me or make me do anything i would be uncomfortable with. i, on the opposing side of things, was so quickly wound up that i was wondering if this was safe, if i should have stopped to take the full picture into consideration. i knew i wouldn't regret any decision i would have made, no matter what that was, but part of me truly didn't want to pump the breaks, or to slow down at all. "i mean, if you oppose…" i could see the game she was running and i had no qualms about putting a pawn of my own down on the board.
a quiet giggle fell from my lips as, even at close range, i could see her eyebrows raise and her jaw dropped slightly, as if she were trying to convince me she was offended i would suggest such a thing. as if her expression wasn't enough, she chose to show me just how opposed she was to my claim of her possibly wanting a way out. i braced myself as she cupped my cheek and leveled my gaze; i knew what was coming and yet, it was like an entirely new experience all over again. and then, as quickly as it had come, it was gone and cosima was getting to her feet. my hand, which had previously been on her neck, dropped to my lap and for a moment, i was fumbling. i blinked up at her, racking my brain for words and i was not surprised when what came out was less than well articulated. "you are such a brat." she shrugged her shoulders, batting those eyelashes at me like she had no idea what i was talking about. all at once, i realized that i was still sitting down, not because i was hesitating, but because i was so in awe of her that i had completely forgotten what we were in the middle of. instantly, i was on my feet,
i linked my fingers with cosima's and the simple gesture brought color to my cheeks, color that i was almost too embarrassed to let her see. we quietly made our way up the stairs and down the long hallway and despite myself, i was fighting every urge to just turn around then and there and just kissher, for a vivid reminder of what it was like. the chemicals in my brain were going haywire; even i couldn't definitively explain what she was doing to my head, not in formulas or equations, and most definitely not in clear logic. instead, i pulled her into my room and shut the door behind her. what i had not been expecting, though, was to turn around to find her so close. both of her hands instantly went to both sides of my face and she stepped into me. the wood of the door was cool on my back, even through my shirt. it was strange, how in the blink of an eye, i was hyper-sensitive to almost everything, from the taste of sauvignon blanc on her lips to the way her body was abruptly so dangerously close to mine. she took another step, this time placing her knee to the door between mine.
as if my brain had not been in a complete fog before, in that moment, i was a complete goner. i could feel that familiar pit burning in my stomach. what was different, this time, was that it had spread everywhere else, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. i was warm, the feeling radiating from inside. i was so taken aback by her semi-aggressive approach. for all the time i had spent with cosima, this had been one small surprise, this tiny quirk that i could not have foreseen. and as surprised as i was, i liked it. kissing cosima, especially with her being so incredibly close, it was like standing in the middle of a thunderstorm as the lightning illuminated everything for miles around and the thunder rumbled loudly, overturning the smallest pebbles and leaving me unsteady on my feet. some of my weight dropped to her thigh, just as i had known she wanted. i tried to withhold it, but a quiet moan passed from my lips to hers. i could feel her satisfied smirk form into the kiss and i wondered at what point she would stop doing all these small things that were rendering me completely helpless.
i'd had enough. i couldn't take it anymore. she knew that she was getting to me, that she was pushing every single button she could find and i simply could no longer sit idly by and let her have all the control. without making any other motions to move, i quickly started helping her out of her dress, only breaking our lips apart when completely necessary. as the dress hit the floor around her ankles, i made an effort to keep my eyes to myself, but it was a miserable attempt. her skin was a warm, tanned color, no doubt from so many summers in san francisco. there were the unambiguous curves of her abdomen, and the just barely noticeable slope of muscles of her waist that dipped below the lace that hung on her hips.
at the sound of her giggle, my head jerked upward and my eyes met hers, a bit wide from the realization that i had not just been staring, but i had been ogling her. her hand snaked around the back of my neck, tangling in my hair and for a second, i'd forgotten how to breathe. each kiss she had to offer me was somehow so seemingly different from any one that came before it. that idea, the possibility of that, it was exhilarating to me. she ducked out of our liplock before i was ready for her to and i let her know with an audible whimper of disapproval, which then progressed into a whimper of desire as she kissed her way to my ear, catching it tauntingly with her teeth. before i could scold her, she pulled away. i started to pout, but stopped instantaneously when i felt her hands on the hem of my shirt. without hesitation, i lifted my arms and allowed her to pull it off, neither of us caring where it would land as she tossed it aside.
cosima wasted no chance to kiss at the newly exposed flesh, trailing her lips over my chest and collarbones, her lips always coming deliberately close to the straps or edge of my bra. she was such a tease. her hands resumed their work, though, easily popping the button and sliding down the zipper of my jeans. i wiggled my hips as my way of assisting her to get them off, a quiet giggle leaving my lips to shatter the silence around us. the moment i stepped out of the jeans gathered at my ankles, it was myturn. my hands found cosima's hips and i stepped toward her, causing her to slowly move backward until the backs of her knees hit the edge of the bed. as a reaction, she sat and looked up at me from beneath her glasses. the look in her eyes— in spite of the fact that i had never seen that side of her before, it was so… enticing. when i thought i had the upper hand, though, cosima seemed to have yet another surprise for me.
she reached toward me and hooked her fingers in the waist of my underwear, pulling me toward her. she slid her hands to my hips and leaned forward, pressing her lips to my stomach. it was anyone's guess how i was still standing on my own two feet— i was half sure i was going to pass out on the spot. in the same way she slowly kissed down my stomach, she also slowly dragged the fabric over my hips, past my thighs, before letting it hit the ground.
and there it was, in a sudden rush of emotion; i felt completely and entirely vulnerable. the way she looked at me, though, and she way she could not seem to stop kissing me? this was not a woman that was going to judge me for the things i had done, but was instead willing to embrace me for them, no matter what they were. all that mattered was that we were there, together, in that moment, and it felt like nothing more than a dream, but thankfully, i knew better. i leaned down to her and held her face in the palm of my hand, stealing another brief but ardent kiss as i gently eased her onto her back on the bed, moving to straddle her waist. although i removed my lips from hers, there wasn't a possible way in the world that i could actually stop kissing her. my lips trailed along her jaw to her ear, down her neck around to the hollow of her throat. as my lips graced her collar bone, my hand slipped between her back and the duvet and made quick work of the clasp there. i kissed my way down each of her shoulders, tracing a lone fingertip over her arms as i pulled down on the straps of her bra, not pausing for a beat as i pulled it away and discarded it over the edge of the bed.
as much as i could tell that she liked being in charge, the look on her face made it abundantly clear that she was enjoying her short ride in the passenger's seat. i placed my lips to the slight divot between her collar bones and kissed downward, over the valley between her breasts and over those perfectly toned abs. in a way, i was mimicking her, returning the favor, as you will. the lower i kissed, the closer i came to leveling the playing field— actually, pulling into the lead, not that it was a race. i kissed my way down one of her thighs as i finally removed the lace, tossing it aside to join the other abandoned items of clothing.
the air around us was no longer still, but instead filled with the already labored breathing and quiet, breathy moans and sighs that seemed to involuntarily finding their ways free. as i started to climb over her again, cosima wrapped her arm around my waist and used her weight to push me onto my back, settling over me. "you had your fun," she whispered, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "now it's my turn." before she could move, though, i stopped her.
"attendre!" i managed quickly, causing a look of concern to twist her features. my own smoothed out into a smile and i sat up, the only thing separating cosima's bare chest from mine being the brassiere still hanging from my shoulders. with both hands, i raised them and, between my thumbs and middle fingers, pinched the arms of cosima's glasses, delicately lifting them from their home on her face. i looked away, folding them, and set them on the nightstand. i had looked away simply for one reason; the first time i saw her, only her, i did not want to be distracted by some menial task like trying not to break her glasses in my shaky hands. i turned my head, tucking some of the wild blonde strands behind my ear, and i was completely taken by the woman before me. she looked the same, but so very different. yes, it seemed like part of her was missing, or like something was amiss, but i could honestly thing of no sight i'd ever laid eyes on in my entire life that could rival her beauty.
her hands splayed over my back and her lips found a familiar home against my own. i could feel as she worked free the clasp on my own back and somehow managed to rid me of the article without once tearing her mouth from mine.
just like that, it struck me that every single moment, every single word exchanged between us over the last nineteen months had been leading to this moment. as she pulled away and my eyes searched hers, i almost instantly deduced that she could sense my nerves. yes, i had been able to exude some amount of confidence up until that point, but the time had come when she was going to have to take me by the hand and walk me through things. i did not doubt, though, that she had more than enough patience to be capable of doing just that. "it's okay," she whispered, placing the lightest of kisses to the apple of my cheek. she leaned into me, her way of coaxing me to lie back into the pillows. her hands, her touch, felt absolutely electric as it traveled my body, making paths over my hips, up my sides, over my breasts and stomach. she knew every precise spot to hit to cause goosebumps to flare on my skin and she did it with no reserves. if i had thought her touch to be debilitating, it was nothing compared to her kiss as it touched as much of my skin as she could get to.
as she kissed her way over my left breast, her teeth nipped and nicked at the flesh there, evoking a soft moan from me. "merde, cosima." my hands were unable to remain still as i clutched at the duvet beneath me. if i had thought her touch, her kiss bad? i was in for a rude awakening— or perhaps, a rather delightful one. her lips danced across my stomach and though some part of me had forgotten it was there, the amazing woman above me hesitated a moment before running a barely-there fingertip over the scar across my lower stomach, the one i received from the c-section when sera had been born. one of her hands had been caressing my thigh and i had thought nothing of it until her touch crept up farther, gently but assertively.
the moment i felt her fingers brush my warmth, i was completely certain that there had been a series of synaptic misfires happening simultaneously in my brain. it wasn't like i hadn't been touched before; michel and i had made love countless times, but nothing had ever felt quite like this. it was slow, but deliberate. it was intense, but at the same time, it was nothing short of passionate. my hips were desperate for cosima's touch but my lips were also hungry for hers. i wanted to kiss her, to tell her the things she was doing to me, but i made no move to do so. instead, she actually moved away from me, placing her lips to my right hip, trailing more kisses along my hip bone, making her way to the top of my thigh, coursing down to my knee. as she dared make her way back up, though, she pushed the other thigh gently aside and kissed along the where my inseam would have been. i whimpered out her name pathetically because i was fully aware of what was about to happen.
as i felt her mouth press to the supple flesh, my back arched off of the mattress and my fingers were tangled in the duvet. although i had no interest in finding out, i was almost certain that my knuckles had started going white. i had been so unsure of what else to do, once i'd completely forked myself over to her, but once again, she didn't miss an opportunity to do something that both calmed me down and made me feel like the most important person in the world to her at the same time. as i whimpered, whined, and quietly moaned, her hands found mine on the bed and she slid her fingers into the slots between mine. it was a perfect fit and it was another thing added onto the list of ways she'd completely upended my world that night. it was a simple enough gesture, but to me, to be so connected and in tune with her? it was earth-shattering. it seemed like an eternity had stretched on when in reality, it had only been several minutes and that forgotten, lost feeling had started to find me, tying up my insides and throwing my mind into a state of arrest.
i had been trying to hold out, to prolong the incredible high i was riding out, but involuntarily, i could feel as the muscles in my body began to tense. one of my hands instantly let go of hers to cradle her head. i hadn't meant to but the muscles in my legs contracted and my thighs pulled around cosima's head and my hips rocked just enough. her hand gripped mine as i rode out the euphoria, finally dropping my legs to lie flat on the bed, my chest rising and falling with my labored breathing. cosima kissed her way back up my body, leaving my legs still trembling in her wake. before i could apologize, though, her hushed tones were cutting through the air. "are you okay?" she asked me— i just blinked at her.
was i okay? was she serious?! "mon dieu," i breathed at her. "i am more than okay. i am incroyable." i brushed her cheek for a moment before she leaned down to kiss me once more, and i took the gesture happily. "the real question is are you okay?" my cheeks were pink and part of me was embarrassed, but the way she shook her head so dismissively, i knew she was being genuine.
"actually… that was… totally hot."
i never could have predicted that we would stay up all night, alternating between talking and… well, plenty of things that didn't need so many well thought-out words. she was so patient with me, never once letting me feel like i was at all a disappointment to her. in fact, there were certain times, like when she would grab at my hair or dig her nails into my back, that made me feel like i could possibly never be able to let her down. it went without saying that i was entirely and wholly enraptured with her. i would have been content to have stayed in that bed with her for days on end, had i not had other obligations. regardless, by the time i glanced over her chest to see the bright blue '3:24' on the alarm clock that was perched atop the nightstand, it didn't even seem to matter. i closed my eyes and focused on the warmth of the embrace around me and the slow, steady, gentle pitter-patter of cosima's beating heart and fell into the most peaceful sleep i had seen in months.