despite the fact that the sun had started to warm my face as it poured in through the window, all i wanted to do was pull the duvet over my head and sleep longer. it had only taken me a little less than ninety seconds before my frame of mind seemed to align with the current happenings of my life. i was suddenly and instantly disappointed when i couldn't feel the other side of the bed sink in, or the form of a warm body close to mine. in a panic, i went through the motions of stitching my current situation into the rest of my life, trying to figure out why my heart sank at the emptiness the other half of the bed had to offer. last week, it would have been because i thought, even for a second, that michel should have been there. at that moment, though? it had hit me like a speeding train that this time around, it should have been cosima.
i didn't want to open my eyes, to have to look at the empty, unfilled space and realize that she had probably left some time in the middle of the night while i was sleeping more peacefully than i could ever remember. just the simple thought pained me; i wanted her close, i wanted her back. i wanted her to be there when i found to courage to take my first glimpse of the morning. i wanted her to be my first glimpse of the morning.
i laid stalk still, debating whether or not i could afford to sleep for a little bit longer. before i could make the decision, though, i could hear my phone ringing downstairs. i didn't want to move, and i was sure that no one could be calling so early that i would actually want to speak to. i could hear, though, as the ringing got louder, like it was getting closer. the door to my bedroom opened and i hugged the duvet closer to my bare body, already having an inclination of who it would be barging through the door. i did not open my eyes, though, as i felt the bed shift and sera's weight settled down on top of me, the ringing phone only inches from my face. "maman! votre téléphone sonne!" she informed me, lightly poking my shoulder with the phone. i grumbled and waved her off, insisting that it was no one important. she, however, did not find this answer suitable.
she shifted her weight and crossed her legs as she sat on my stomach, fiddling with the phone as she attempted to find the 'answer' button. i, however, had not known what it was she was doing, at least until she spoke. "allô?" instantly my eyes flew open and i was scrambling to get the phone from her without allowing the duvet to uncover my chest. "bonjour, cosima!" my eyes were wide and sera was trying to stifle her giggles. "oui, oui cosima!" she pulled the phone away from her ear and handed it to me, pulling the front of her shirt over her face as she fell victim to a fit of giggles.
"i am so sorry," i got out in a rush, but i could hear cosima laughing— it almost sounded like an echo. i knew i still sounded like i was half-asleep; i was, even with sera's wake-up call. or, more accurately, sera bringing me cosima's wake-up call. yes, i had been disappointed that she had been gone when i woke up, but the sound of her laughter had already started to cause my mood to pick up.
"it's fine. but, um. do you think maybe you could come let me in? i'd locked the door on my way out, the thought not even occurring to me that i didn't have a key to get back in." i couldn't keep myself from smiling. she was still here. i had gotten worried and started to work myself up and for what reason? i had been an absolute fool to consider the possibility that she would leave without a goodbye. i told her i would and hung up the phone, reaching up to pinch sera's sides playfully.
"papillon, can you please go let cosima inside?" i had told her i would, but i had a dilemma: i couldn't get out of bed with sera there; i was still entirely nude. as sera nodded her head excitedly, she jumped off of the bed and took off for the stairs, giving me ample time to get up and get dressed, pulling on a pair of shorts and a tank top. like some nervous little school girl, i hesitated on my way out of my room and backtracked, looking into the mirror above my dresser. i ran my hand through my hair, leaving my golden locks rustled just enough that i didn't look entirely awful. on second thought, i grabbed a thin sweater and slid it on over my shoulders, hugging it to my frame as i lightly made my way down the stairs. there were many reasons that cosima could have stepped out, but i never once would have considered the truth.
as i made my way down the last couple of steps, i turned my head, my gaze sweeping the room until i turned toward the kitchen and saw cosima and sera standing at the counter. as cosima pulled things from grocery bags, she handed them to sera who would pad over to the refrigerator and put them away. "and what is going on here?" i questioned, looking over to the clock that hung over the mantle in the living room; it was only ten after eight. when i turned back to look at cosima, she was donning a brilliant grin, one that turned my knees into jello and filled my stomach up with a plethora of butterflies. i could tell just by looking at her that she was something else, that she was this gift that had been given to me, one i could never turn away.
"i always wake up early," she informed me, fidgeting with a couple of the things she had brought back with her, "so i thought i'd run to the store and grab some things for breakfast." as i made my way over to the counter and leaned over it, my elbows on the cool marble, i was sure that i was grinning so hard and so wide that it was going to cause the muscles in my cheeks to ache. just when i thought she couldn't be any cuter, though, she spoke again. "and me being me, i obviously didn't consider getting back in." i slid onto the stool, still unable to take my adoringly sweet gaze from her face.
"don't you have to work this morning?" i asked lightly, tilting my head at her. it was saturday; i knew for a fact that she had to be at the library at least before ten, as i had already established that we wound more than make up for our absence the previous week. however, it seemed like cosima had every intention to make up for that lost time, which was more endearing to me than words could possibly explain.
"i do," she answered with a smile as she starting opening packages and pouring things into bowls that sera had gotten for her, mixing things as she spoke. "but i don't have to be there til nine thirty. so pancakes and fruit seemed like a good idea."
"right, you cook." my musings were warm and the smile i wore matched; as if she hadn't done enough already, i was watching this amazing woman make breakfast in my kitchen— and for the first time, i realized she was not wearing the dress she'd had on the night before, but was instead wearing a pair of black leggings, ones that had been a part of her ensemble the night before, and a top that looked oddly familiar. it was a long, over the shoulder scoop neck that hugged every last curve of her waist and hips absolutely perfectly. it looked so perfect on her, so mesmerizingly fitting that it took me far too long to realize— it was mine. the dawning of that particular realization was enough to create a pink dusting on my cheeks and those butterflies to swarm up higher, moving into my chest.
in that moment, i was so convinced that things couldn't possibly be any better, but i was quickly proven wrong. i watched cosima flutter around the kitchen, starting a pot of coffee before turning back to her task of mixing the pancake batter. sera lightly tugged on the end of her— my— shirt and when cosima turned her attention down toward her, she held up a small, yellowish fruit, curiosity sparkling in her eyes. "cosie, what's this?" she questioned, which did nothing less than cause cosima to grin from ear to ear. she raised her hand to adjust her glasses before she reached down and gently took the fruit from sera's palm and set it down on the counter, picking up a knife.
"it's a starfruit," she informed her in a crisp, bright tone, to which sera looked at her rather wildly.
"it doesn't look like a star to me, cos." her tone was so matter-of-fact and full of her little attitude that i couldn't help but laugh, clapping a hand to my mouth in an attempt to quiet myself. cosima methodically sliced up a few pieces of the fruit and grabbed a plate from the nearby dish strainer to pile the fruit onto it. when she was finished, she picked up a thin slice by one of the points, holding up the star to show my daughter, who literally looked so thrilled that it seemed like she might cry from happiness. she squealed and happily took the piece of fruit from the other woman, marveling at it, almost like she was too amazed to put it in her mouth. "go on, try it. i promise there's plenty more to look at for later." we both watched her as she took a nervous bite, her expression almost immediately lighting up. she ran over to me and held it up, insisting i try it.
"no, no, papillon, that is all for you." she contently returned to her spot beside cosima, her gaze hardly ever leaving the brunette as she moved about— like mother, like daughter. we chatted about how nice the weather was, how it would be a perfect afternoon later to spend at the park and i made a mental note of it, more than pleased with the idea of possibly spending the evening at golden gate park with the two most fascinating people i knew. the entire time, she went back and forth between the counter and the stove, flipping the hotcakes and returning to her work with several fruits and sugar. when i would attempt to peer over her work, she would hug the bowls she was working with tighter to her middle, looking at me like i was a nosy child.
"ah ah!" she told me, that pearly white grin taking my breath away all over again. i pouted and slumped back onto my stool, acting like a kid who had been busted in the cookie jar. once sera got tired of assisting the librarian, she had retreated to the living room to play with darwin. each time i glanced over my shoulder to see her there, giggling as darwin pawed at her hands, i felt something more than happiness, something i did not know how to explain, but i knew that i liked it.
with a little under twenty five minutes to eat, cosima carried the stack of hotcakes and bowl of fresh mango strawberry chutney to the table, which i had set just moments before. she brought over sera's plate of star fruit and took the three smallest (no bigger than four inches) pancakes off the top of the stack, and set them on her plate. "cherie, do you need help cutting them up?" i offered her, to which she looked at me like i had told her the sky was pink.
"no, maman. i'm a big girl. i can do it myself." i held my hands up in surrender but i could not keep the feigned shock on my face as cosima started to laugh.
breakfast was sweet, in all possible senses, but it was also somewhat bitter because i knew when it was over, that cosima would undoubtedly have to leave for work. she had started to stand when we had finished, insisting that she needed to leave a bit earlier to run home and change, but i shook my head dismissively at her. "no need. you should… you should keep that. it looks really good on you." even with my assurance, she still seemed reluctant.
"but darwin—" she started, glancing to the sleeping kitten on my couch.
"can stay here, at least until you get off. we'll be here most of the day, aside from the hour or so that we'll be at the library." as if she had forgotten, cosima's face suddenly perked up, a light coming onto her features that was nearly tangible. there was a literal sparkle in her eyes, one that caused my heart to skip a beat— or several. how could she contain so much life, so much spark in such a small body, in such a small vessel of being? i was so taken by her, by every facet she could put on. somehow, she had managed to fluidly shift between utterly sexy to completely adorable within the blink of an eye and i figured out that it was part of the reason i found myself so attracted to her. she was a chameleon, blending into any situation i could have needed her in, and that was riveting to me.
as cosima announced that she had to get going, sera rushed up to hug her, almost like she was unsure that she would see her in less than an hour, i softly asked her to pick out what she wanted to wear for the day. as she trotted off toward her room, i moved to walk with cosima toward the door, still unable to keep from looking at her in that stupid shirt that fit her so much better than it ever had me. i had expected an awkward exchange, or something, well, anything aside from what actually happened. she stepped toward me and instantly, her arm snaked around the small of my back and she pulled me closer to her. as i looked down at her, into those shimmering honey-almond eyes, my hand raised to lightly touch her neck, my fingertips hot on her skin.
"you're going to see me in an hour," i mused at her, catching her by surprise as i stole a quick peck, a smile dancing on my lips as i pulled away.
"yeah, so?" she challenged, quirking a brow.
"you're holding me like you're afraid i'll get away."
"maybe because i am." in that moment, i felt that familiar squeezing in my chest, my heart starting to thunder against my ribs and up to my ears. i stole a quick glance over my shoulder to make sure sera was still busying herself with the task i had given her and when i was sure she was, i turned back to face cosima. however, i had expected to be the one to give her the delight, the surprise, but she beat me to it. her lips met mine and every inch of my mind, of my body, it seemed to catch on fire, a fire that burned invisible and reached down to the very core of who i was. the hand that wasn't clutching my waist was delicately cradling my jaw, her fingers wrapping around my neck to tangle in my hair. i should have been worried about sera coming out of her room, i should have been worried that this was too soon too fast, but the feeling that enveloped me was too good to pass up. there was something so harmonious, so revitalizing in the way her lips fit so perfectly to mine and the soft flesh of her tongue explored my mouth. just like that, though, it was gone, and she was leaving a couple of light pecks, even catching my lip between her pearly whites, tugging on it playfully. a low whine sounded from the bottom of my throat and i, being just as much of a brat as she was, stole one last kiss from her as she let me go.
"i'll see you soon," she told me knowingly, holding onto my hands until our fingers untangled and our fingertips ran along the lengths of each other's fingers until she'd moved far enough away that her touch was gone. i closed the door behind her and leaned against it, slowly letting my eyes fall shut.
"vous voir bientôt, ma chérie."