a/n: so i saw something today that made me really wanna put this update in here. despite the fact that everything previous and most likely everything ahead is told from delphine's point of view, i thought it could be interesting to steal a glimpse of what cosima sees/feels/experiences through parts of her blossoming relationship with delphine.
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you know, i've always been quite literal when it comes to things like figure of speech. it's not like i don't understand them; of course i do. anyone with half a brain does. it's just that my brain likes to pick things apart, to dissect them and pull them from the seams out to uncover the literal meaning behind them. take, for instance, when they say that 'time flies when you're having fun.' i understand the intention, but not why it's put the way it is. time doesn't fly; that's impossible. time is, essentially, a figment, something that is limitless and eternal. it cannot fly, it cannot sink. time is nothing more than a train stuck on a track, headed in one direction, never once turning around. but you know what i've realized? although time never truly fluctuates, when you find something worth taking up your time, something you're passionate and sure about? well, it sure seems to melt away into the background, noiselessly slipping away without any permissions or cordial farewells.
when you're having fun, or falling in love, time just feels as though it completely ceases to exist.
eight months. somehow, two hundred and forty three days had passed since the day i had thrown caution to the wind in my living room and kissed the woman that had completely enraptured me. delphine was… were there really words that could depict such a thing? if there were, it seemed that more often than not, they escaped me. it seemed comedic that i could recite darwin's theories on evolution with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back, but i could not even begin to rack my mind for words that could possibly even begin to explain just half of how amazing she was. maybe if i had been an english major, i'd have been better off, but it wasn't something i was too worried about. something told me that through all of my nerding-out tangents and drawn out blabbering, delphine understood it, understood me.
in eight months, we had managed and preferred to keep things under wraps, at least for the most part. i knew without having to be told that seraphina was still slowly working through losing her father and that putting a new pressure on her was the last thing that needed to be done, no matter how much she liked me. the thing of it was, she was a truly special, amazing little girl. she was far more intelligent than most children her age and she had this wild streak in her, one that had constantly kept me on my toes since the first day she had sidled up next to the other children on her first visit to the library.
if you would have told me then that i'd be where i was a little over a year later, i would have considered you absolutely freaking out of your mind. i should have been on guard, should have been careful to tread lightly when it came to such a delicate situation, and i did, or at least i tried. whatever it was i had managed, it had put me in a position i was plenty content with being in. yes, it meant a lot of late nights after class, so much so that when sera would run out of energy in the days, i would happily nap with her, pleased to construct a blanket fort with her for us to do so. some part of me was sure that she had already uncovered our little secret and just did not care, but i was still courteous enough not to bring something into her life that we could not be sure if she was ready for.
that particular weekend, i'd had my own ideas about how to celebrate the duration of our relationship and as it so happened, things really played right into my hands. although i had yet to meet her at that time, delphine had informed me that her mother was coming to stay with her and sera for a few days. of course, this cut our time together exponentially and it was disheartening, to say the least, but i somehow knew i'd find the resolve to make it through the week and most of the weekend. however, things had turned out even better than i could have hoped. thursday night she had called me and asked if i had plans for the following evening and i'd informed her that if she was free, than yes, i did. in the lightest tone i'd ever heard from her, she'd announced that her mother had offered to watch sera, if she wanted to go out for a night, and i was the first person she could think of to call when it came to figuring out a way to spend that time.
what she did not know was that i had already scheduled something for that friday night; maybe it wasn't as important an anniversary as a year was, but if there was anything i had already come to learn about delphine and even sera, too, it was that each day was a blessing, each moment a miracle. she had come to shed light on parts of myself that i had not before recognized and in a way, the cormier women had helped me find a purpose, a path again. sure, i had school, and i had the library, but i had spent weeks upon weeks before their arrival in my life wondering where i was going, what i was trying to achieve and what i hoped to make of the passion, the dedication i had to the world of science, and i had been fumbling for answers on a consistent basis. unbeknownst to delphine, i had gotten the two of us tickets, but not just any tickets. no, they were so much more than that.
some nights, when we would lay in bed, tangled up in soft skin and warm covers, she would reminisce about paris, about her many trips to the eiffel tower and how her boyfriend had always been too scared to make it to the top with her. "there's just something about it, about feeling like you… are on the edge of the world. it is so…. exhilarating." the way she spoke of it, the way her eyes would literally twinkle in the dark? it was almost impossible. everything about her defied the laws of everything i knew, challenged all of the theories i'd had about life and the matter of feeling. maybe therein lied the reason i found myself innately drawn, magnetized to delphine cormier. she turned my world on it's head, made me look at everything, absolutely everything, in a new light, and it challenged me. she had something to offer me that no one before her had, and i was completely taken aback by that. so, in my own little way, i wanted to try to give back to her something she couldn't quite have.
i'd picked her up a little before seven and, of course, couldn't resist a chance to say hello to my favorite little einstein. she was practically jumping at the chance to show me how well she had been taking care of the few pieces of quartz i had given her. there was just something about her, about that little girl, that made me smile so wide i could feel it wrinkle the corners of my eyes. i'd waved a small hello to her mother, introducing myself. i suddenly realized that i wasn't quite sure how to do that and so i just stuck to labeling myself as a friend. as we went to leave, though, delphine made no hesitation before grabbing my hand, clutching it gently in hers. holy crap. how did she do that? how did she scatter every thought in my head and yet, make everything seem so crystal clear. all by holding my damn hand.
we made our way toward the street and delphine smiled, running the tips of her fingers lightly along the soft orange paintjob on the door of my car. "you know," she started as we both got into the car. "you never have told me how you got this car. it's so oddly… you. it shouldn't fit, but it does." i grinned; that wasn't the first time she'd said that. i still remembered the words leaving her lips the very first time she saw the car. it was a '69 mustang, black and that beautiful, delicate orange. it often reminded me of the sky as the sun was coming up.
"quartz wasn't the only thing my dad gave me," i admitted, my lips still curled up in a gentle smile.
"it used to be his?" i nodded.
"his father gave it to him and he took really good care of it and passed it on to me. thankfully, i have a couple of friends that are wonderful mechanics because as much as i love getting my hands dirty, i don't like to do it under the hood of a car." we laughed together and somehow, it was still one of those things that just caught me off guard. i didn't know how she did it, how she was so capable of making ordinary things so… extraordinary. it didn't matter that i knew how many chemicals and reactors could be found in the brain, because what she did to me, it was beyond words, beyond science. that was something that would endlessly be intriguing to me.
"so, are you going to tell me where we are going?":she posed, turning to face me with an inquisitive smile, but i was't going to buckle.
i shook my head and grinned, though i kept my eyes on the road. "but i'm glad you brought a sweater. you're going to need it." of course, she spent the entire drive pestering me, begging me to tell her what i had up my sleeve, but i wouldn't give in. as we got closer, i mentioned that we were going to have to do a bit of walking from where we parked and rolled her eyes at me. i knew it was her way of telling me that i was making it sound worse than it was, and that was true. we held hands and chatted happily for a few minutes until it started to set in where we were. she glanced up and then back at me, the excitement radiating through her damn near tangible. i pulled the two tickets out of my pocket and held them up for her to inspect. she was grinning as she read over them and glanced back up at the bright orange structure before us.
"we're going to the top?" i nodded, still grinning. "oh my god, you're taking me to the top of the golden gate bridge." she let go of my hand and turned, taking me by the face, squishing my cheeks slightly as she always did and kissed me. there were those fireworks all over again, going off behind my close eyelids. everything about her was so… wonderful. when she pulled away, she looked worried. "cosima, you must have spent a fortune on these…" she deduced and it was my turn to hold her face, giving her a lighter, sweeter kiss.
"that isn't important. i know it isn't the eiffel tower, but it is like being on the edge of the world." she kissed me again, making my heart flutter and my stomach start a series of somersaults.
"je t'aime, ma chérie." the moment the words left her lips, travelling at the speed of sound to hit my ears, i'd never quite anticipated what that would ever feel like. it was the first time it had ever come up and even though it was in french, i had learned enough to know what it meant. slowly, i slid an arm around her neck, my fingers playing lightly with her hair.
"you do, huh?" i asked her quietly, my smile never wavering and my eyes never leaving her sweet, beautiful face. she gave a small nod, her own smile growing. "i love you too." just saying it, just hearing myself say it, it was strange but so incredibly welcome. she loved me, she loved me. and i loved her, too. despite that i had known beforehand that the night was going to be special, i had most certainly never seen that one coming.
our night out was amazing; there was nothing quite like being on top of the lowest tower, delphine's fingers linked with mine, looking out at san francisco as the sun slowly sank in the sky. we weren't there long, but it felt like an eternity the moment she kissed me up there. the tour guide had smiled and it became infectious, spreading my my lips as i caught her and then to delphine's as she realized what i was looking at. when we made it back to solid ground, we'd decided to enjoy the perfect evening and walked to the embarcadero hand in hand, exchanging stories about sera or nerding out over recent scientific discoveries and developments. it was amazing, mindblowing really, to have finally found someone that i could be like that with. i loved her. she was perfect. i wanted to shout it from the rooftops. i loved her!
we'd grabbed pizza at blondie's when i had remembered the bottle of cabernet my mother had gotten me a few months back for my birthday. i proposed the idea to delphine and she raised an eyebrow at me in that impossibly attractive way and i was nearly falling out of my seat. 'stop that! stop it right now!' i wanted to tell her as i hid my face behind my hands. instead, i held them up as i shrugged my shoulders, grinning.
"ms niehaus, if i didn't know any better, i'd say you were trying to seduce me with the promise of wine." oh, is that how she was gonna be?
"i can promise you a lot more than that," i assured her with a grin. she grabbed for my hand the second time that night and it still sent my heart soaring. we were both nearly tripping over each other on our way out and back through the embarcadero back to my car.
"you're my cheeky, cheeky girl," she told me, kissing me before climbing into the car.
the drive back to my apartment was short and yet, the way delphine played with my fingers over the gearshift made it stretch like an eternity. we were laughing, kissing, laughing through kisses, stumbling through the front door and i swore my cheeks had never ached so much in my life. she stood behind me in the kitchen, her arms around my waist and her chin resting curiously on my shoulder as she watched my hands work to open the bottle. i popped the cork and set it aside, filling each glass sufficiently before handing one over to her. as i took a sip, i watched her over the top of my glasses and raised a brow, suddenly having an idea. i took hold of her fingers lightly and tugged her through the apartment to my bedroom. i dropped her hand and set down my wineglass, glancing up at her before i opened the drawer. "if you're like… morally opposed or something, just say so and i'll put it away. but if not, maybe you'd like to join me." she watched me skeptically as i turned to open the drawer, pulling out a pack of rolling papers, an old book and a small plastic sack filled with a few leafy green buds. her face relaxed, though, and she slid onto the bed next to me.
"i haven't smoked since university," she informed me, causing my lips to pull apart in yet another grin. "of course i will join you. after all, it's not like i did not already know. you always smell like this mixture of pot, vanilla and cinnamon. it's just who you are." 'why am i so lucky to have you?!' i wanted to ask, over and over again. it had only taken me a matter of minutes to roll the joint and the two of us moved to sit against my headboard. one of delphine's legs had draped over mine and my right hand rested on her thigh, my thumb absentmindedly brushing at it as we traded the joint back and forth.
i had perhaps been anticipating it, but the night only seemed to get better. we had carried on about half of an enticing existential conversation but the truth was, i had gotten entirely too distracted by the way her mouth moved. i had to kiss her, to taste those lips again, simply because i could never have enough. the kisses, the smacking of lips turned to lips on skin and clothes being tossed every which way. it was almost ritual, something we went through each and every time, but this time it was different. this time, her skin tasted sweeter and her body almost seemed brand new to me, though i had been convinced i knew every last inch of it. this time, though, there were these noises she would make when i kissed the divot of her hip or the crevice between her breasts. it was in the way she gripped at me, at my hands, at any part of me she could reach as i was nestled between her legs. at the same time, some things were the same, like the way she writhed delectably at my touch, or the way her thighs squeezed around my head as she came— god, that seriously never got old.
it almost caught me off guard when she pushed me onto my back and began ravishing me with kisses, taking her own time in exploring my body, routing the way she traveled, like a map that was doing her no good with how she went every which way, wanting to cover as many square inches as she could. her lips pressed over my stomach, lightly gracing my bellybutton— which always seemed to elicit a giggle from me, much to my dismay— and continued to where my hip met my thigh. she was just as much of a tease as i was, no matter how much she wanted to deny it. despite her awkward beginnings, she had developed a skill quite her own when it came to learning how to make me want it, want her. she knew the perfect way to move her tongue, her fingers, and the combination thereof. almost every time she would make me want her so bad i could hardly stand it and then by the time she was finished, i felt like i'd run a marathon.
we had curled up as the clock on the wall informed us that it was nearing two thirty in the morning and part of me did not even want to consider sleeping. no, i could have laid like that with her forever. i was looking at her back, my arms around her waist when i moved a hand up to trace lines between the freckles there. she giggled turning her head in an attempt to look at me. "what are you doing, ma chérie?" she asked in a hushed whisper.
"admiring what a masterpiece you are." she laughed at me and i grinned, kissing her shoulder. i hesitated a moment before placing another kiss on her skin, this time on her neck. "i love you," i whispered to her. she rolled over to face me and kissed me.
"i love you too, cosima."