there were some mornings, very few and far between, when i would wake up and feel like i'd been living in a dream, like the days that passed me by were nothing more than a figment of my imagination. as i awoke and hid behind closed eyes for a few brief moments, i had difficulty aligning the last twenty four hours of my life with reality. slowly, i cracked open an eye, squeezing the other shut tighter as i did so and what i saw… it was beautiful, it was a sight, it was magnificent. there was cosima, her eyes closed and breathing even, a serene smile curling her lips even through her slumber. a touch of pink licked her cheeks, perhaps maybe from where she had been sleeping with the other side of her face to the pillow before turning over not moments prior. i was so overwhelmed with every last ounce of feeling that graced me from my head to my toes that it nearly scared me out of my skin when she spoke.
"i can hear you staring," she murmured at me, her lips slowly pulling apart in a sleepy grin. i could almost hear my heart faltering in my chest, not only because she had startled me, but because i had been caught in the act. i lifted the duvet and scooted closer to her, sliding one of my legs effortlessly between hers, tangling them together. she, too, moved toward me and wrapped me up in her arms, our bare bodies enveloped in one another. she was warm, and she still smelled of cinnamon and vanilla, the residual scent of pot only accentuating that as it lingered in the entire room, a sweet reminder that the night before was, indeed, anything but a dream.
"i'm so—" i had started to apologize, but she wanted none of it. instead, she silenced me with a kiss, her palm laying flat on my cheek. when she pulled away, she replaced her lips with her thumb, tracing out every curve and divot of my own mouth, seemingly mesmerized by it. i parted my lips and playfully bit at the tip of her thumb, unable to keep from grinning as i did so, breathing a playfully tantalizing laugh.
"stop thattt," she grumbled at me, covering my mouth with her hand. "it's way too early for that." i knewshe was not complaining and i had every bit of nerve to call her out on it. my own fingers moved to touch at her collarbone, tracing out the shape the protrusion made through her skin, my eyes following every last movement i made, as if i was trying to memorize that specific part of her, the way the bone dipped and then vanished beneath the surface. slowly, my fingertips began to trail toward the midline of her upper chest, dipping in the small dimple between her collarbones. it, however, did not travel any further toward the other side of her body. instead, i let them glide effortlessly between her breasts, her skin so unbelievably soft beneath my touch.
a low whine sounded from cosima's throat, like she was opposed to what i was doing, but she made no move to stop me. instead, my touch was meant to push her, to test her, to force her into questioning whether or not it really was too early. my palm pressed flatly to the center of her chest, tauntingly moving to caress one of her breasts. the action seemed to throw her and she inhaled sharply, exhaling in a quiet moan. "delphiiiine," she managed weakly, but i knew she was trying to fight a battle i had already won. i moved my hand back toward the center of her chest and lightened my touch back to only the tips of my fingers, resuming their trek down her torso. they skated the track down the center of her abs, stumbling over her navel. she squirmed next to me and breathed a giggle that i could almost taste on my lips. my fingers voyaged to her hip and trailed down where her hip and thigh came together, circling toward her inner thigh. and then, just like that, i pulled my hand away and wrapped my arm around the small of her back. in an instant, cosima's eyes shot open and she looked absolutely appalled. "delphine!" she nearly yelled, her breath hitching in her throat.
i did not even attempt to hide the mischievous smirk that found its way to my lips. "but you said it is too early!" i argued back in a playful murmur. her eyes narrowed at me and i could feel as her legs wrapped tighter around mine. "okay, okay," i managed, stealing another kiss from her as my hand ran over her backside and over the haunch of her hip. i let my fingers resume their dance over her warm skin until i finally slipped my hand between her legs, causing her to cry out as her body stiffened against my own. she whimpered my name and i kissed her, the heat of a thousand suns burning in the pit of my stomach. it did not matter how early it was, or what time it was at all. what mattered was that just the night before, i had been clutching her hand as we toed the edge of the world, looking out at san francisco splayed out like a miniature model. what mattered was that i told her, without any reserves, that i loved her. what mattered, truly mattered, was that i never wanted to run out of ways to prove that to her.
the back of my hand pressed to the top of my thigh for leverage as cosima began to rock her hips against my touch, her breathing so light and sweet as it hiked a bit, gracing my ear like the brush of a feather as she held herself closer to me. every inch of skin on skin, it felt like an electric current and the sounds of her increased panting were lighting the core of my brain on fire. she was so utterly dripping in sex appeal, especially when she was so pliable at my touch, almost like putty in my hands.
"another. another, please," she whimpered brokenly in my ear and i complied, giving her what she was asking, begging for. her hips found a perfect rhythm against my hand and the whimpers she dropped so close to my ear only made me want to please her even more. i was so desperate for her satisfaction, so desperate to give her something so wonderful to have first thing in the morning, something to have her smiling all throughout the day. my mouth found hers in a hot, passionate kiss and goosebumps covered my arms at the way her moans, into our kiss, rattled my teeth and caused my heart to jump in irregular patterns.
despite the fact that she was constantly chewing on her fingernails, i could still feel them as the tips of her fingers pressed into the lean muscle of my back; she was holding on so tightly, so desperately that even though i was the one who wanted her, she was making me feel wanted in the same stride. she clutched at me, burying her face in my shoulder as a loud gasp— one that i had not been expecting— sounded from her lips, delicious as it hung in the air. her body writhed against mine as her moans grew more and more quiet and her limbs stilled. her hold on me loosened and i mirrored her actions, pulling my hand back before i wrapped her up in my arms, a brilliant grin curling her lips, and i was sure it mirrored my own.
"well, good morning to you, too," she mumbled at me softly, the tip of her nose just barely touching my own. i breathed a quiet chuckle, unable to keep myself from wanting to kiss her. how could i? she was beautiful, especially with that rosy glow to her cheeks. we laid like that for a few prolonged moments until i finally found my voice, though i had obviously not thought through what i was going to say.
"you're my first, you know?" i blurted in a hushed whisper. the look on her face was priceless; her left brow arched perfectly and her lips puckered out slightly, and i knew why. she was obviously making an unspoken reference to the fact that i had sera, and that had to have come about only one way. i laughed softly and stole a brief kiss, still smiling warmly as i pulled away. "i mean… i had never been with a woman before."
"yeah, it showed," she managed back quietly, though there was a giggle low in her throat. at first my brows had shot up and i was in disbelief, that giggle, though, was almost soothing, taking away the initial, most likely unintended, burn. if there had been any residual offence, she stole it away with a sweet, loving, deep kiss. "i just mean that you were so nervous," she clarified and her words caused my lips to curl up a bit. "and so scared that you were going to do something wrong." she hesitated, her smile slipping into a mischievous smirk. "now you go down on me like it's your job." i was laughing before she even finished speaking and could not refrain from turning my head to hide my face away in the pillow beneath me.
"brat," i muttered into the pillow, but i instantly regretted it. her fingers were on my sides and she was tickling me like her life depended on it. my laughter was loud, echoing and bouncing off the walls throughout the house. "c-cosima! st-stop! i can't, c-can't breathe!" she relented, an amused grin still dancing on her beautiful face.
"now, what did you call me?" she quipped, attempting to be menacing.
"beautiful," i responded, the grin i wore stretching from ear to ear.
"much better."
—
as much as i did not want to, it was close to noon by the time we'd gotten out of bed to eat brunch— well, i wouldn't have even called it that so much as it was the two of us sitting on the couch with a pint of ice cream and two spoons watching an episode of planet earth. this was exactly the kind of thing i never would have wanted my daughter to do and i was thankful she wasn't around, for that and other obvious reasons. however, i did miss her and i couldn't wait to get back home to her to smother her in kisses and spend the night baking with her and my mother.
the drive home was a little less than thrilling. i was torn; i wanted to spend the entire weekend with cosima, but my mother was leaving monday morning and i knew that i needed to stay home at least her last full day in the states. however, i had an idea, one that i was willing to share with cosima as she cut the engine to her car. "what are you doing tomorrow?" i asked her gently, lacing our fingers together.
"my agenda consists primarily of snuggling with darwin. why do you ask?" she looked so cute, so innocent as she batted her lashes at me behind her spectacles.
"because i…" i hesitated, giving her hand a gentle squeeze, "i'm going to talk to my mother and sera tonight." i didn't have to clarify about what, as my next words did that for me. "it would be magnifique if you would join us tomorrow afternoon. i thought we could go to the zoo and then grab dinner. it would mean a lot to have all of my favorite ladies together at once." she did not speak, she did not voice an answer. instead, she took hold of my face and kissed me, so long and so hard that breathing had become an after-thought. when her lips pulled away from mine, leaving them a bit cold, she was smiling so adorably that i could hardly stand it. "i will take that as a yes, non?" i posed and she grinned, nodding her head.
"i think that would be a wonderful way to end this perfect weekend." she was smiling so wide that her eyes became slits and wrinkled at the corners. the happiness was simply radiating off of her in waves, hitting me full force, completely contagious. i unbuckled my seatbelt and she leaned across the console to kiss me again. "je t'aime," she murmured lightly against my lips. i was trying so hard to stop it, but the way my smile revealed my bright whites gave me away. i was so smitten with her that it was absolutely insane.
"je t'aime aussi, ma chèrie." with one last stolen kiss, we parted ways and i'd never been so simultaneously excited and upset to be home.
the rest of the afternoon and evening had been spent watching cartoons with sera and baking with my mother. we had been enjoying the fruits of our labor over tea at the kitchen table, both of our gazes lingering on the little four year old blonde ray of sunshine in the living room, completely taken by simba's belting of 'i just can't wait to be king.' my mother's voice startled me, pulling me away from watching seraphina.
"so, cosima, hm?" she started, raising a brow as she watched me over the top of her mug as she took a sip. my cheeks and neck were instantly red and i knew i had been busted.
"je l'aime, maman," i told her softly, and she reached out to touch my hand. part of me was thrilled to see sera still wrapped up in her movie and paying no attention to me. i glanced up and could see the tears brimming in my mother's eyes, and i was not quite sure how to react, at least until she spoke.
"i was not sure you would ever let yourself love again," she told me truthfully, gripping my hand. "i was afraid you had let yourself believe that you could only ever love michel. you deserved another chance, even if you didn't believe it in the beginning." she smiled warmly at me and lightly rubbed my arm, trying to comfort me although i did not need it. "and i don't even need to ask how she is with sera. as if last night's small display hadn't been enough, she was practically all sera talked about. i'd say she's almost as in love with her as you are."
i smiled, breathing a light laugh. "it's the reason i fell for her. she's so great with her, and she… she really helped out when i thought i had no one else and you couldn't just drop everything to lend a hand."
"it's good to see you so happy again, delphine."
"it's good to be happy again, maman."
as if the conversation with my mother had not been easy enough, after i had helped sera take her bath, we went through the nightly ritual of her bedtime story and lullaby, but she was still battling sleepiness, which turned out to work in my favor. "maman?" she posed, tiredly rubbing at her eyes.
"oui, papillon?" she leaned against me, raising her eyes to mine.
"how come cosima hasn't come over a lot this week?"
"you mean 'why hasn't cosima come over as much this week,'" i corrected softly. yes, it was impressive that she was a bilingual four year old, but it wouldn't mean anything if she could not practice it correctly. i pressed my lips together, thinking over my answer carefully. "because grand-mère has been here visiting. and i…" i paused; how did i explain it to her? how did i tell her that i felt for someone else what i had always promised to feel for her father? before i could find my voice, sera had beat me to it.
"you like her a lot, don't you?" she quizzed; merde, she was too smart for her own good. i offered her a small smile in return and nodded.
"i do. and i know you like her a lot, too, in a different way. and i just… did not want to scare you."
she giggled sleepily and tucked her face in my shoulder, yawning. "you could not scare me, maman. you are not scary." i kissed the top of her head, but she was still talking in a light mutter. "i would like it very much if cosima was around all of the time. and darwin, too." i had thought that smiling so hard my face would crack was only something brought to me by cosima, but as it turned out, sera was just as capable of inducing the same thing. minutes later, her breathing was even and she was finally asleep, giving me the room i needed to slip out of her bed. i gave her another light kiss atop the head and made my way out of her room and down the hall, popping my head into the spare room to wish my mother a good night. as i tucked myself away in my own room, i got ready for bed myself and had gone to lay down when my phone sounded from my nightstand. i picked it up to see that i had a missed call and a voicemail, both from none other than cosima. i dialed in the number to check it and could not stop the grin that canvassed my features at the sound of her voice on the recording.
"i know it's late and you might not hear this until morning, but i couldn't stop thinking about you, about last night, and i just wanted to hear your voice, even if it was just you being bossy and telling me to leave my name, number, and a brief message at the tone." she laughed and my heart soared. "but anyway, i guess this message was kind of pointless, but so is a lot of the stuff i do." not pointless, completely sweet and adorable, i wanted to yell. "so, goodnight, beautiful. may your dreams be as sweet as the taste of your lips. i love you, delphine, and i can't wait to see you tomorrow."
there was no other way to put it: she was absolutely, completely, unfathomably… perfect.