that night, falling asleep was the last thing on the list of what my mind wanted to allow my body to do. all i could do was keep replaying those conversations, both with my mother and with sera, over and over and over again in my head. just when i thought i had pushed it aside long enough to catch some form of respite, as my mind drifted off into a shallow level of subconscious, i would wander through the dark right back to the light that had been shed on my life. sera was obviously completely taken by cosima and had grown attached to her before i, myself, had even realized it. i could not say i blamed my daughter; i had fallen so recklessly, so helplessly, and at a break-neck speed for cosima, and i was finally understanding why: she was there, in a way that no one else ever could have been. no one else would have had the perfect combination of heart and stubbornness. no one could quite scrunch their nose or smile the way cosima could. it was this collection of attributes and habits that made her so undeniably perfect.
i could not help but think about the tone my mother took on when i had told her the truth; she had known before i'd ever even thought about opening my mouth. she had known by just watching the way i looked at cosima, the way i couldn't stop smiling whenever she was within a five foot radius, or when i was talking about her. there were times when sera would bring her up that would cause my cheeks to flush and my neck to get hot. the fact of the matter was that even if i had wanted to lie to my mother, there had been no getting around it. what was more comforting was the fact that she shared in the sentiments that michel seemed to have. all she wanted was for me to be happy, to not drown in the guilt of something that was entirely out of my control. the way her smile was so delighted that it lifted her brow, causing small wrinkles in her forehead and at the corners of her eyes, it was enough to help me understand, help me draw a foregone conclusion; the only person who had ever been holding me back was myself. maybe it had done damage initially, but as it to happened, i had healed, i had come back to being… me.
i must have finally succumbed to slumber sometime after four forty five, as that was the last time i had bothered to check the clock. regardless, i awoke a little after eight to the smell of muffins and coffee wafting throughout the house. ah, it was then i realized just how much i was going to miss my mother when she left. i got up and showered, cycling through my morning ritual— i supposed that was her whole intention behind breakfast, to keep sera occupied and give me time to myself (even though that was probably the last thing i needed at the time). after i had finished and dressed, i had started down the hallway but something tugged on the very edges of my attention. i stopped in the middle of the hallway, turning to the room on my right. as i pushed open the door, i was not surprised in the least to see a barren room, filled with absolutely nothing. it was the room michel and i had been saving for our second child, when sera was a little older. the recollection hit me, a pang in my chest, but as i blinked back the tears, i blinked something else into vision.
it was so surreal how, standing there, i could suddenly see the shelves built along the walls, stretching from floor to ceiling. i could see, in my mind's eye, cosima unloading box upon box, filling the shelves with the books that had been so temporarily housed in cardboard. as i realized t\what this vision all entailed, my heart leaped into my throat and i pressed a hand to my mouth. was i getting ahead of myself? no, not with how much i had been thinking over the last twelve hours. it was close to a year, toeing the very edge of defining just how long we'd been dancing this dance. not only did i love cosima, but sera had a youthful, adoring love for the woman in her heart, too. i calmed myself, backtracking to the fact that i still had an entire day with her, my mother, and sera ahead of me. it was then, leaning against the polished dark woodwork of the door frame, that i decided how that day went would dictate what course of action i took. just the mere thought of that possibility existing was enough to make my palms want to sweat and my head want to swim. for having spent so much time initially trying to ward her off, i thought it incredibly ironic that i was the one, this time, who perhaps needed to be kept at bay.
the entire day felt, to me, like a box of photographs in my mind, so many instances frozen, a cold burn into my memory. with just a single thought, i could close my eyes and picture cosima standing in front of the tiger exhibit, lifting seraphina up so she could see better. she's getting too old for that, i'd thought with a tip of my lips, slowly pulling apart in a smile. it was such a sight, watching the two of them together. it was nothing short of wonderful. another thought, another photograph. sera and i had gone to the washroom and had come back out, hand in hand, and for a brief moment, it felt like i was in a movie, the way the room seemed to still and the only thing in my focus was my mother as she laughed heartily at something cosima had said. she even reached out to put a hand on cosima's arm, still laughing. mon dieu! she was taking my breath away and she was not even slightly aware! how did she do it? how did she have that kind of power over me, even still?! there were so many, too many instances, when i realized how perfectly she fit into my life. it was obvious that my mother adored her, which was most likely in part to the fact that she knew just how happy cosima had made me. all she wanted, all michel had wanted, was for me to be happy, and i had finally realized that i was.
as if i had not gathered enough proof to fuel my motivation as i walked cosima out to her car, as she gave my mother a hug goodbye and told her to have a safe trip home and then turned to sera, i got every bit of reassurance i had needed. she knelt down and pressed her fingertips, so light and gentle, into sera's sides, tickling her with a bright, lopsided grin. sera thrashed around, giggling, in her grasp, trying to escape her clutches, but finally cosima relented. "good night, munchkin!" she offered. i was already grinning from ear to ear, but even i had not expected what followed. sera wrapped her arms around cosima's neck in a tight hug and when she pulled away, she placed an adorably short and sweet peck to the apple of cosima's cheek.
"bonne nuit, cosima!" she toddled off as my mother beckoned her to head upstairs for a bath, looking over her shoulder at me with a smile, like she knew what had been at the forefront of my mind all day.
as we made our way out to her car, i tugged lightly on cosima's hand, turning her to face me as i let my weight rest on the side of the car. i bit at my lip at what i knew would follow, that bright, brilliant, cheeky grin, and follow it did. it was so bright in the dawn of the evening and i found myself consciously remembering to breathe. "what?" she asked me, her eyes twinkling in the sunset.
i smiled, wrapping my arms tighter around her, and gave my head a small shake. "i'm just in awe," i answered her honestly, unable to keep my eyes off of her. i'd had every single thing about that beautiful face memorized since the moment she kissed me for the first time and yet, when i looked at her, it was like i was looking at an entirely different piece of art. she found all of these subtle ways to amaze me, to floor me and leave me questioning so much of what i thought i knew. it was in that moment, in standing there with her in the middle of a beautiful evening, that i realized something i had been trying to run from, a fact that had cemented itself in my life.
i had loved michel, yes so very dearly. i, however, was in love with cosima.
i could have sworn in the dim light that she blushed, but she moved too quickly, pressing her forehead against my collarbone to hide her face in my chest. with both hands, i gingerly took hold of either side of her jaw, gently pulling her head back so that i could look her in the eyes, so i could see that ridiculous smile, so i could kiss those beautiful, soft lips. i felt her weight relax into me and i moved an arm down to wrap around the small of her back, pulling her close. she was so pliant, so flimsy at my touch. our lips parted and the silence fell around us, but not for long as i could faintly hear my mother trying to corral my daughter because 'running around naked was not a good idea.' i breathed a soft chuckle and cosima licked her lips, causing my grin to spread. "i want to give you something." i reached down and pulled something out of my pocket with one hand and picked up one of cosima's with the other. she was curiously watching my face, looking for some sign of what i had up my sleeve.
i gently pressed the key into her palm and closed her fingers over it, moving to wrap my arms around her again, holding her close. she opened her hand and looked down at what i had given her, the shadows changing on her features as they set into an expression i easily identified as surprise— and delight. she looked up at me, her mouth hanging agape slightly at many failed attempts to verbalize what was going through her mind. "delphine…" she started, but something in me made me want to stop her.
"non, non. just listen. it's an invitation, one you don't have a deadline for. it's just…" i hesitated, having no idea why i was trying to be so candid with what i wanted to tell her. this was cosima, she would listen. even if she did not want to hear what i had to say, she would listen. "it's just that this morning, i stood in the doorway to the spare bedroom, looking at how empty it was… and i found myself envisioning filling it with bookshelves and a desk and you filling those bookshelves with your books and filling that desk with your papers." pausing, i could feel myself getting emotional and i tried to bite it back so i could still clearly articulate what, exactly, i wanted to say. "sera looked me in the eye and said 'you like her a lot, don't you?' and it dawned on me how silly we've been, thinking she wouldn't notice something like that. i guess it's just that you… you're the missing puzzle piece, and sera and i both would really like to have you around… all of the time. and—" before i could continue, i was silenced as cosima leaned into me, standing on her toes to kiss me, to shut me up. she was holding the key to her palm with her index finger and used the other three to hold my face in place, her other hand wrapping around the back of my neck. she was so perfect, so beautiful, so amazing, so wonderful. wonderful, wonderful cosima. "is that a yes?" i breathed at her in a hushed giggle as she pulled away, leveling herself on the ground, though i still held her close.
"i'll start packing tomorrow," she responded, an airy quality to her tone that nearly lifted me right off of the asphalt.
the next morning, because she had known of our four AM departure time, cosima had showed up at half past three with coffee and offered to drive my car so that we could take my mother to the airport. she had known just how tired i was and so, like the angel she was, she had volunteered so that i could have a little bit of time to relax, to try and let the realization of a happy existence settle over me. she'd even carried a sleeping sera out to the car, which was the image of absolute perfect, if you asked me. we'd dropped my mother off, bid her a safe trip and made our way back home. our home. sera sleepily stumbled up to the door and cosima came around the front of the car to say her goodbyes. "stay," i asked her softly, lightly tugging at her open jacket.
"but i have to start packing," she informed me, leaning up to steal a brief kiss.
"it's four thirty in the morning. you're not going to pack at four thirty in the morning. c'mon. i'll make breakfast when we get up again." she rolled her eyes at me, but she caved nonetheless, breathing a light laugh and giving a slight nod of her head.
it was when i woke up five hours later, finding seraphina nestled contentedly between cosima and i, that i realized what true, pure, unadulterated happiness was. and it, all of it, every last bit, was mine. i had it, and in those few minutes, i swore that i would never let it go.