i had briefly considered, before i had asked cosima to move in, that things were perfect. however, in the weeks following her move, i realized that only then did they reach that level of perfection. it was like there had been a space there for her, one that only she could fill. it was a vacancy that i had, previous to meeting her, not realized was there. on the nights when she would gracefully bow out and let me make dinner, there was nothing that could make me smile more than listening to she and sera read books or practice simple math equations. she was going to be five in ten months and was about to take that step from daycare (i had relented when she got a little older, knowing full well she needed to learn and develop her social skills) into kindergarten and although a part of me wanted her to stay small and sweet forever, i knew she had to grow up sometime. it truly amazed me how smart she was; was that all just cosima's influence? well, of course alongside my own. i had always known that reading to children can encourage brain stimulation, but it was truly something else, just how smart and intuitive she was. i was lucky to have her, the handful she was.
it was one night, about five or six months after cosima had moved in that something happened, something that set into motion a series of events that would change so many lives in one fell swoop. cosima and i had been nestled up next to one another on the couch, watching man vs wild when sera emerged from her room and padded down the steps. "mom, i need your help." my brows instantly shot up and i was undeniably caught off guard. in the entire four and a half years of her existence, she had never once called me 'mom,' always maman. always. she came around the edge of the couch and stood in front of us, holding out an unopened package of batteries and one of her toys. i started to lean forward to take them from her, but her brow knit together and she tilted her body more toward cosima, who looked just as surprised as i did. slowly, she sat up and took the things from sera and started working to replace the batteries.
"no more cosima, hm?" i asked her, raising a brow as she stared at me expectantly, like i missed the memo or something.
"some of the kids at daycare asked me why i had two moms." she shrugged her shoulders, making the most adorable face as her lips tugged down at the corners. "i told them i didn't, that i had a maman and a mom." my face cracked in a grin and i leaned forward, scooping her up in my arms, kissing all over her face. i held her close to my body, almost like she were an infant, and let my nose brush hers in an eskimo kiss, grinning at her.
"i love you, papillon. i love you to the moon and back." i was blessed in so many ways, by these two wonderful women who comprised over ninety five percent of my life. i loved them, more than my heart even knew how to love. they had become my everything and a moment like that? it was one i wanted to capture for an eternity. nor cosima or i had ever once mentioned the way she addressed her because, quite frankly, it was not a big deal. however, her reaching that conclusion on her own, getting to that point without any guidance, it made my heart swell. i always went on and on about how smart she was, but words could never properly do that face any justice. she was brilliant and i loved her for it. as she sat up on my knee, cosima forked over the toy with a wide, happy grin.
"i love you to jupiter and back," cosima added, her grin only growing as she plied a gentle finger into sera's side, causing her to giggle. sera glanced from me to cosima and back to me before she formed her reply, the gears so visibly turning in her head.
"i love you both to pluto and back!" as cosima and i both laughed and started to open our mouths to refute her claim that pluto was a planet, she stretched out her arms, pressing her index fingers to our lips. "i do and that's the end of it!" she hopped off my lap and took off for the stairs, no doubt to return to her room.
"she's so bossy. hm, i wonder who she gets that from…" i mused, slowly rolling my eyes until i was glancing at cosima, who pinched my side in protest. i was still grinning, still completely baffled by what had just happened. in that one single moment, i knew. i didn't need to think about it anymore, to feel like i needed any more proof. everything was solid, cement, plain as day. it all made sense in this flurry of color and sound, so bright and deafening. this was what i wanted the rest of my life to look like. weekends on the couch, playing with seraphina, mornings full of little 'five more minutes' from cosima. i wanted it, i needed it. i needed her.
that night, as cosima lay with her back pressed to my front, my arms holding her close to me, she never could have known just what was running through my mind, or how much it would mean when i was finally able to pull it together. i spent the next couple of weeks taking my time, figuring out how i wanted to go about it, what i wanted to do. i scoured old bookstores and perused jewelry shops during my lunch break. i'd finally ordered exactly what i thought cosima just wouldn't be able to say no to.
it was a week later that i truly held my breath and jumped off of that precipice, the one i had been teetering on for a long while. i had put sera to bed and ran to my room to grab something before i met cosima in the den. i tugged her up off of the couch and pulled her into the living room, where the lighting was better. i pulled out the small box with a purple bow on it and handed it to her. "i want you to have this," i told her, a nervously bright smile stretching my lips. she took it from me and lifted off the lid, her eyes going wide at what she saw.
"is this… oh god, this is 'the expression of the emotions in man and animals.'" her eyes were so bright, but they were dimmed by the intensity of her grin. my stomach was knotting consistently around itself, working its way up to knot around my heart as she pulled the book out and examined the tattered cover. she glanced up at me, her eyes simply sparkling. "how did you know this was the only one i didn't have?" she asked, to which i gave her a soft kiss.
"i pay attention to your bookshelves more than you notice," i informed her, nodding my head toward the book. "go on, open it." my smile only grew as she held the book up, her entire focus on it as she pulled the pages open, the quizzical expression on her face instantly falling away as her eyes went even wider than before. i had bought it at a second rate bookstore for fifty cents because it had been missing about ten pages and so, i used it as the dummy, or at least i'd gotten her another copy that wasn't hollowed out. there was a little cubby carved into the pages that held a small, velvet box inside. cosima's free hand flew up, but froze in mid-air, like she wasn't sure what to do with it. as she was focused on the book, though, i had slipped past her concentration and moved to take a knee before her, holding up the ring that should have been in the box. she moved the book and looked ahead, as if she thought i was still there, but quickly realized i wasn't and looked down at me. i had never witnessed cosima cry before, but i could have sworn that her eyes glassed over at the sight of me. i was grinning, my eyes wrinkling at the corners with my joy. she put the book down on the table beside her and watched me adoringly.
"cosima zeppelin niehaus, please promise me that you will always bring this kind of joy into my life. will you marry me?" there was only one, a single tear, but it rolled down the surface of her cheek as it had been prompted by her nodding, a smile curling her lips.
"of course i will. god, of course." she wiped at her face, bumping her glasses out of the way to do so and i got to my feet, holding up the ring so i could slide it onto her finger, among the many others. "is that… is that quartz?" she asked with a meek little grin, one that made my heart thunder in my chest. i gave a nod and before i could finish, she took hold of me and kissed me so hard, so desperately that it made my head spin. she was magical, mesmerizing, and i was so lost in everything she was that i'd nearly forgot the follow-up i had to this so-very-important proposal. i pulled away, easing out with a few pecks before i opened my eyes to look down at her.
"this… this proposal comes with a condition though," i explained, to which she quirked an eyebrow at me, the corner of her lips twitching upward.
"and that is?"
suddenly, i was soft. i wasn't sure if what i wanted to say to her would be off-putting or if she would change her mind. it was silly, to think she would say no because of my inquiry. my fingers wrapped around her neck and my thumbs rested on her cheeks as i fell apart, looking into those honey-almond eyes. "an amazing man once told me to let my love continue to blossom after it may have wilted. he told me that he knew me, that i would find a heart to call my new home, and i have." i paused, trying to find my voice as cosima's eyes started to glass over again. i breathed a soft laugh, biting nervously at my lip. "you know, it's funny, almost. you are my new home, cosima niehaus, the place i belong. and that's why i was hoping you would be alright with sera and i taking your surname." the tears had started to openly fall down her cheeks and she nodded her head vigorously. i kissed her, like i had never dreamed of kissing her before, and i felt like the entire world simply vanished around us. seraphina was asleep and i was engaged. we were engaged. cosima and i. cosima and delphine. cosima, delphine, and seraphina. family.
the blood was rushing, pumping in my ears as she kissed me back, through my veins, quickening my pulse as cosima's hands grabbed at anything they could reach, moving to my shirt. she hesitated not even a second before she pulled upward, tearing our heated liplock in half to get it off. i was hasty, quick to return the favor, letting the sweatshirt of mine she had been wearing fall to the seat of the couch before our lips meshed again, my hands heading instantly for the shorts she had on, finding no need for them now. before she could tuck her fingers into the waist of my flannel pants, i pulled away, glancing over my shoulder at her as i headed for the steps, taking them two at a time. she was quickly on my heels, rushing up behind me a bit too quick, running into me as her hands found my sides and we both erupted into hushed giggles. i shushed her and told her that we couldn't wake up sera and she agreed, not missing a chance to tell me the same thing.
i shut the door behind me as we stumbled into the bedroom, but before i could move, cosima had me pinned to it, causing me to gasp. god, i hated it when she did that. it didn't matter that she was a good head shorter than me, she always caught me by surprise. my back pressed to the cool wood made me shiver in her grasp, but the way she was kissing and nipping her way down my neck and over my shoulder, it was more than doing the job to restore that warmth. i whimpered pathetically as her kisses traversed my chest, her teeth nicking one of my nipples and eliciting a quiet cry. i was still floored, completely taken aback by how we had so quickly changed gears, but it was growing to be less and less of a surprise with us. what was a surprise was how aggressive she was being. i liked it. the truth was, the more comfortable i had become with her, the more dominant i became in the bedroom. …and kitchen …and shower. i knew cosima loved it, but i had a feeling she loved these moments more, the ones when i would bend to her touch and let her have her way with me. she hooked her fingers in the waist of my underwear and gave a tug, dropping them along with my pants to pool around my ankles and just like that, i was completely bare and vulnerable before her, but the way she looked at me? i felt like the only woman in the world, well, aside from her of course.
i reached out to her hips, leveling out the playing field by helping her shed the one last remaining article of clothing. as i did so, she backed away and took my hand, pulling me over to the bed. as i got onto it on my knees, she was instantly behind me, on her own on either side of my calves, her body pressed to mine. my teeth dug into my lip so hard i thought i might begin to taste blood, but they released when her hand slid over my stomach, down the curve of my hip, her fingers knowing where they were heading oh so well. her touch sucked the breath out of my lungs, but not nearly as bad as when she placed her head next to mine, turning to bite at my neck. i reached up to cradle the back of her head as my own tipped back in pleasure, my eyes falling shut. she knew what she was doing to me, knew that she was turning me to mush, so weak in her hands. her teeth caught my earlobe and i yelped quietly, her touch gaining pressure. i could feel that force, that powerful swell of feeling pool in the bottom of my stomach and i whined in response, desperate for release. not a moment later, it hit me like a train, causing my knees to tremble on the bed and the upper half of my body to lurch forward in ecstasy.
cosima was quick, though, and moved, gently nudging me onto my back on the bed, her lips fervently finding mine as her hands roamed the soft comforts of my warm skin. there was something in her kisses, in the way she peppered them all over my body that just felt so incredibly different, so much stronger, filled with so much more purpose. everything she did, every move she made, it was deliberate, intent. she had not been able to find the words to express what my gesture had meant to her, so she was using another form to communicate that to me. her teeth grazed at my skin as her soft, warm lips traversed my body, leaving my skin tingling, shadows of former kisses. she kissed down one thigh and up another, dragging it out, making me want it, want her, more than i ever had before. "cosima, please," i begged pathetically, but instead of finding the feeling i was so desperate for, he was crawling above me, looking at me in the dim light of the moon.
"i love you, delphine co—" she stopped, grinning, and rethought her words. "i love you, delphine soon-to-be-niehaus." i looked like a grinning idiot, i'm sure, but she was so… she was so cosima that it hurt.
"i love you too, cosima niehaus." she took my lips by storm once more, but did not let the kiss linger long before she was moving, retracing a familiar path, stopping to kiss at each lone freckle whenever it came into her path. my hands ached for hers as her head settled between my legs, and she offered one for me to grip at desperately, the other finding a rhythm against the one spot that caused a tingle to stretch upward into my lower abdomen. my free hand held the side of her head desperately, tangled in her dreads, my hips involuntarily jerking upward. i could feel it, teetering on the edge of complete bliss and in the blink of an eye, i had completely melted in her clutches, crying out a lot more loudly than i had intended. cosima pulled away as i released the hold i had on her head and i could tell that she was laughing; i had scolded her and yet, i was the one who couldn't keep it down. she had climbed back over me and started to kiss me, but we both froze at the sound of a door clicking. as i heard sera toddling down the hall, i instinctively pushed cosima off of the bed, trying not to laugh, and immediately pulled the duvet over me, hugging it to my chin as sera pushed open my door.
"maman?" she asked sleepily, rubbing at her eyes. she looked at me, and then next to me. "where is cosima?"
"she's in the shower, baby." i could hear cosima snickering from the floor next to the bed and i cleared my throat to cover it.
"but what was that sound? why did you yell?"
"i just had a bad dream. i'm okay now, i promise. go back to bed, papillon." she ran up to the edge of the bed opposite cosima and kissed me on the cheek before she made her exit, pulling the door shut behind her. instantly, i sat up and leaned over the edge of the bed at a grin-ridden cosima.
"ow," she mused at me, laughing.
"get up here and let me make it up to you."