a/n: okay so i maybe lied a little bit. this, as well as the next update, will both be written from cosima'spoint of view (mostly because i hit a wall when trying to write it from delphine's). ALSO. IMPORTANT: if you liked the fluffy cuteness and wanted it to continue, well, you should probably just reread the first 12 chapters. if, however, you are okay with having your heart torn out and stomped all over, then by all means, enjoy!
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months are comprised of weeks, weeks of days, days of hours, hours of minutes, minutes of seconds, seconds of nanoseconds. they all continuously stack atop each other to create dimensions of time, something i learned at an early age. what i had not been taught hand in hand with that lesson, but should have been, was that when your life has purpose, they all slowly slip away into one another. the seconds slip into minutes, the minutes tick by into hours. the hours pass by into days and soon, the days are amounting to weeks and before you know it, the months those weeks turned into just melt away, like they had never existed in the first place. my life had melted down like a candle, straight to the base of the wick, several times over, since i had met delphine, but even more so since the moment she had posted herself on one knee before me and asked me to spend my life with her. there had never been any hesitation, none whatsoever. i did not need another reason aside from the fact that of all things in life, of everything i had learned and everything i knew, delphine gave me a purpose inexplicable by any string of twenty six letters formed into any array of words. delphine gave me what no one else had been able to, so whole-heartedly; delphine gave me love.
there were these monumental markers, these periods of time that stuck still in my head, like a picture show available at my every whim and desire. one of them was sera's first day of school, the way del had called in late just so she could be there as we dropped her off for her first day together. i had known before we even arrived at the school that she was an emotional mess. her little girl was growing up, taking her first big step into the world, and i can imagine that it was never an easy sight for any mother, much less delphine, who had this unique and distinct relationship with her daughter, one that had so much more depth than anyone other than the two of them, myself included, could ever comprehend. what they had was special; in a way, i was jealous. i wished i'd had something like that with my mother. i mean, in a way, i did, but not to the extent that they did. it was magical, truly magical and i was consistently in a state of awe because of it. if i thought, though, for even a second that that particular moment would be the hardest for delphine within the year, i had been sorely mistaken.
though they came few and far between, i hated when she had to leave, even if it was only for a couple of days. this time, as it was many a time before, she was to board a plane and fly to new york for a conference that she was speaking at, on behalf of the bay area immunology developmental board. i was proud of her, of course i was. it wasn't her first lecture and i knew it would not be her last, but it was most certainly the most difficult to see her off on. it was the middle of winter and sera had been running a fever, one that made her extremely irritable and cranky. she was still sweet as sugar to me, but it was more than obvious that she was feeling less than optimal. she kept rubbing at her eyes and snuggling more and more into me on the couch as delphine frantically made her rounds, trying to make sure she had everything before the cab arrived to pick her up. i would have been more than happy to take her, but not only was sera coming down with something, i'd developed quite the chest cold myself and could hardly be bothered to move from the spot i was glued to, unless sera needed something. as if there had been any doubt in my mind that she would, delphine had insisted that she could stay, that she didn't have to go, but i was insistent. it was important for her, and it was important to her, and i wanted her to go. i had managed to convince her by promising that she, too, would only get sick if she stayed, and that i would take the best care of sera. the reluctance had been evident on her face from the get-go, but somehow, i'd talked her into it.
she had leaned over the back of the couch to kiss the both of us on the forehead, causing sera to giggle quietly before burying her face in my side, pulling herself tighter to me. we stayed like that for hours upon hours, watching cartoons and nat geo, making chicken noodle soup, and just curling up to keep warm despite the many blankets i had covered us up with. by the time sera had fallen asleep, i'd carried her up to her room and had started to tuck her into bed before she stirred, squirming in my grasp. "momma?" she asked me softly and all over again, i melted. it happened every time the word left her lips, even months after the first time. i hummed an inquisitorial response and she clung to me, willing me not to put her down. "can i—" she let out a soft whimper and clutched me tighter, the heels of her feet digging into my sides.
"of course you can sleep with me. your maman left a very big bed very empty."
the next few days without delphine were hard, and i understood for the first time what she possibly dealt with on her own for two very long months. despite the fact that my cold started to clear up, sera's health was not on the same uptake as mine was. it was starting to scare me, how pale her skin was, and how she would only eat a couple of bites of anything i put in front of her before she was insisting she was full. it was one morning when i was helping her get dressed for the day that i started to get this sinking feeling in the core of my stomach. there was a large bruise on her back, roughly the size of a softball, and another of the same measure on her chest. delphine was going home two days later and the fact that sera was still sick and apparently getting worse almost made me feel inadequate, though i was well aware there was nothing i could truly do for her outside of taking her to the doctor, so that was exactly what i did.
after two exhausting days of too many tests to count, i was finally able to take her back home, just in time for her mother's return, but i was bearing a burden far heavier than i had ever imagined having to carry. as i stood in the doorway to her room, running my thumb over the quartz on my finger, i felt so helpless, so worthless. i should have seen it, should have known that there was something more there than had ever met the eye. i should have recognized the symptoms, the red flags. i was kicking myself for things i knew were out of my control, but it was better than owning up to any reality that mirrored the one i was living. i wanted to deny it all, to close my eyes and wish the world well again, but i knew that was never going to happen. i was a realist, as much as i liked to live with my head in the clouds.
that night, after i was sure sera was asleep, i made my way into the den and hauled my laptop off of the end table and propped it on the arm of the couch, pulling it open. before i could even move the mouse, the soft noises of an incoming call sounded and i answered it before i even looked to see who it was, already knowing instantly. i painted on the best smile i could manage, despite the fact that all i wanted to do, and all i had done all day was cry. i was thankful for the dim light of the den, as it hid the bags that had appeared beneath my eyes, not well hidden by my glasses.
"bonsoir, ma chèrie," delphine greeted me with a bright, brilliant, happy grin. it was painful, to see her so happy, to know that i was going to have to lie to her, to an extent. the truth was, that was nor the time or the place to tell her what i needed to tell her. then again, i wasn't sure there would ever be a time or a place to tell her what i needed to tell her.
"how was sightseeing today?" i asked her, trying to find a way to occupy the conversation, and my mind, to an extent where i would not end up a crying mess again.
"it was wonderful, but nowhere as wonderful as it could have been if you and sera were here with me." she smiled warmly and my chest tightened. "how is my little papillon doing?" i forgot how to breathe. i was fumbling and my chest was still.
"she's still not feeling well," i squeaked out, doing my best to keep my jaw set and my eyes locked on the screen so she could not sense any betrayal in my expression. i had to keep looking at her, keep telling myself that this was the best way to go about this, the best way to handle things. what i realized, looking into the image of delphine's beautiful face, was that there was no 'best way.' there was barely a 'way' in the first place, let alone a best one. "i took her to the doctor and they gave her some medicine that will help her sleep through the night."
i could tell that she was concerned, and that she felt hopeless, and it was the primary reason that i had to keep my mouth shut. this was bad enough as it was, i simply couldn't stand to make it any worse, not when i couldn't hold her and tell her that things would work out, that they always did. "i love you, you know?"
her words snapped me back into reality as i shook my head a bit, startled by the sound of her voice. my eyes softened and for a split second, i was sure i was going to lose every bit of composure i had been maintaining, but somehow, i managed to carry on, swallowing down the swell of emotions that bobbed in my chest. "i love you too," i responded softly, wanting so badly, so desperately, to just be able to touch her, to kiss her, to tell her i was sorry.
"i mean it. you've taken such good care of her and i… well, if i can't be there to do it, i'm just really glad it's you." i tried to smile, tried to will my cheeks to tug even slightly at the corners of my lips but it was futile, and delphine picked up on it right away. "cos? what is it, sweetheart?" i lifted up my glasses to rest atop my head and rubbed at my eyes.
"mm, s'nothin'. i'm just tired, that's all." she must have looked at the clock and then computed the time difference because she gasped softly.
"merde, cosima, i am so sorry. it's nearly two thirty in the morning. go! sleep!" i smiled at her adoringly; how could i not? when she would curse like that, so innocently, it warmed my heart. she leaned toward her camera a bit, her face bright and white as the moon in the glow of her computer screen. "i can't wait to see you tomorrow night. both of you."
i feigned another smile, though the dread that filled me would have been heavy enough to sink and entire fleet of warships. we traded our 'i love yous' one last time, but i felt dirty, like a liar who was so undeserving of her love. 'it's only a day,' i told myself. 'she will understand.' no matter how many times they played on repeat as i tried to lay myself to sleep next to sera's frail, small form, i just could not find truth in them. somehow, it felt to me like i should have been better than that, like i should have told her what was so desperately clinging to the tip of my tongue. instead, i spent the entire next day kicking myself over it, scolding myself, telling myself that what i had done was wrong. the truth was, though, that i was desperately seeking a way to brace myself for what i knew was coming, what i knew would happen that night. i had tucked seraphina in, read her three books— per her request— and even managed to somehow sing a few melodic favorites of mine to lull her into sleep. i kissed the top of her head and made my way out into the front room, wrapping myself up in one of the fleece blankets as i awaited delphine's return home.
i had dozed off at some point and jerked awake at the sound of the lock on the front door clicking, my glasses sitting haphazardly crooked on my face. i took them up and wiped the sleep from my eyes, attempting to seem as fresh faced as possible; delphine needed something decent to come home to first thing, because what would follow was bound to… well, i tried to refrain thinking about what it was going to do to her, especially after realizing what it had done to me. i tossed aside the blanket and was on my feet in a heartbeat to greet her. she barely had time to set down her bags before i was wrapping her up in my arms and holding her so unbelievably tight. i didn't want to let her go, mostly because i knew that she would most certainly not be able to miss how puffy and raw my eyes had become in person. nonetheless, we just stood there, just existing in this content bliss of the unknown. i took in everything about that moment, from the way she smelled of peonies and sugar to the way her hair tickled the side of my face. if i would have had even a bit of energy, it would have made me laugh, but it somehow felt so… wrong to have any form of a laugh living inside my lungs. as i loosened my hold on her and pulled back, she cradled my cheek and kissed me, a soft, breathy giggle tumbling from her lips.
"i missed that," she told me as her eyes slowly fluttered open. as quickly as her smile had appeared, it was gone as she took in the sight of me. her brow knit together in concern and worry and she brought up her other hand to hold my face still. "cosima, what's wrong? have you been crying?"
i huffed a sardonic laugh and smiled sadly up at her, letting my knuckles brush her cheek tenderly. "you don't miss a thing," i told her quietly before i took hold of her hand, tugging her gently over to the couch. as she sat, i did the same and angled my body toward hers, taking both of her hands strongly in my own. my eyes searched her face and i felt like my mouth was suddenly full of cotton balls. i swallowed down what felt like a rock and attempted to clear my throat. "i lied to you," i started in a sudden blurt. her expression instantly made me want to crawl up into a damp, small, dark hole, and die. this was not about to get easier, and that look was surely not going to be the most painful thing i had witnessed in that small span of time. "i did take sera to the doctor. who sent us to the hospital."
my hands were shaking atop delphine's and i could feel the sting of tears eating away at the backs of my eyes. "delphine…" my voiced cracked disparagingly over her name and as i tried to continue, all i was able to exude was the quivering of my bottom lip. "sera… sera's sick." in an instant, i could visibly see the shift in the color of her skin, blanching in the blink of an eye. her mouth dried up and her jaw set, like she was clenching her teeth.
"it's just the flu," she tried to argue back, but her tone lacked the conviction she was so desperately missing. i shook my head sadly and the moment the tears started to leak from her eyes, i was more than sure i, too, was nearing the verge of losing all control. she was quiet for a good, long time and i let her. she needed to get her thoughts in order, thoughts that i did not doubt were trying to consume her. "what is it?"
as i sat there, trying to push the boulders of words out of my mouth, i knew in a heartbeat that to her, this would be a sentence. to her, this would be a repetition of her personal history, and i knew how badly that was going to hurt her. although my voice was nearly inaudible and i'd never wanted to say the words in my life, i finally got them out, and the biggest part of me wanted it to be the last terrible thing i ever had to tell her.
"acute lymphoblastic leukemia."