i could see it, so nearly tangible right in front of me, as any kind of sparkle, of hope immediately disappeared from those beautiful hazel eyes. she looked like a china doll, so frail and pale there before me and i was instantly torn on what to do. the tears welling up in her eyes caused a twisting, sharp pain in my chest. i did that. i was the one who told her the news that did that to her. i'd experienced a plethora emotions over the span of my life until that point, but never anything like that had enveloped me in those moments. even hearing as the doctor pulled me out into the hallway to tell me sera's diagnosis. no, having to tell delphine would have been the hardest job for anyone, being that she was, of course, sera's mother, but it was even more difficult for me. i loved her, and i loved seraphina and i knew that they had been through so much together already. delphine had already lost someone she loved, and i knew that losing sera, god forbid, would absolutely destroy her.
her hands trembled in my grasp and i tried to swallow down my tears, but it was of no use. i could feel them sitting, waiting to fall, but i wouldn't give them that permission. no, i had to stay strong for delphine. she was so still, so scarily still that i was not even sure she was breathing. it was then, though, that she began to cry— to sob— shaking so badly that it was causing a physical pain to pool in my stomach. instantly, i moved forward and pulled her into my arms, holding her close to my chest. her hands clutched so sadly, so desperately at me and the ache inside me only seemed to grow. i had known what this meant the moment i found out, but it was in that moment, with delphine in a million pieces in my arms, that i had to associate that with how it would affect her, literally see it with my very eyes. i nuzzled my face into the top of her hair, my gasp only tightening around her. i did not tell her it would be okay, i did not tell her that things would be fine. the truth was, i didn't know what was going to happen, but what i did know was that i was not going to let her face any of it alone.
the two of us laid on the couch like that well into the night; delphine had cried herself into exhaustion, finally passing out as she laid atop me, her head on my chest. she would wake up every so often throughout the night, realize her surroundings and what had happened, and she would start the process all over again, sobbing into my shirt until her body wore itself out again. it happened a couple more times until finally, i woke her and coaxed her into going into the bedroom, assuring her that i would be in right behind her. as she made her way down the hall and stumbled into our room, i stopped a bit further down, pushing the door to sera's room open. i slipped inside and placed myself on the side of the bed, brushing back her soft, blonde locks as her eyes sleepily blinked open. "your maman is home, butterfly. why don't you come to bed with us?" she sat up slowly and wrapped her arms around my neck, clinging to me as i stood and carried her out into the hallway and into our room. delphine had been perched on the end of the bed and when i came into the room, sera half asleep in my arms, what part of her could light up, did. she was on her feet and holding her arms out for sera, who saw her through half-open eyes and smiled broadly through her haze.
"maman!" she cried, swinging from my grasp to delphine's. watching the two of them, it somehow warmed me and shattered my being at the same time. sera was about to endure some of the toughest days of her life, and delphine and i both knew it. so many children got to maintain this insane sense of innocence until they got older, but that was a fate that sera was not destined for. she was bound to know a life full of struggle, full of fight and in a way, the fact that she had to walk that path tore at all the threads of who i was. sera's head dropped to delphine's shoulder as she clung to her, letting her eyes fall shut. "momma and i watched all the lion kings," she murmured quietly into delphine's neck, who in response, bit her lip and looked to the ceiling to keep from crying. she rubbed sera's back and moved to lay her down on the bed. as she straightened up, she turned to me and offered a sad, weak smile, nodding her head toward the bed. i offered a nod in return and moved to lay down on the other side of sera as she, too, laid down. we scooted closer to one another, sandwiching her between the two of us. i know if she would not have been so exhausted, sera would have giggled that adorable little giggle, but i was almost sure she had already fallen back asleep.
i glanced down and her breathing had slowed again, her eyes closed and her cheeks just barely pink, making her look like a small angel nestled in the white sheets and duvet. i slipped my glasses off and let them rest on the nightstand, turning back to nestle my head into the pillow, my eyes meeting delphine's in the dark. it seemed like, for a solid ten minutes, we had the loudest conversation without having to open our mouths, or make a single sound. i could see her fear, her pain, her terror, and i hoped beyond hope that she could see my promise, my resolve, my hope. i wanted her to know that no matter what, i wasn't going anywhere. i was there for her, for sera, and i was not going to give up on them. i would have created the cure myself if it was at all possible, but there were just some things in the world that could not be. i reached across and touched her face, brushing her skin so gently with my thumb. "we're going to get through this." my words were a hushed whisper and part of me knew that she didn't want to believe me, but she squeezed her eyes shut, her tears sparkling in the moonlight. i placed my palm across her cheek and debated my next words, waiting until i could verbalize them with an entirely true sense of conviction in them. "and then, when she goes into remission… well, then we'll get married." her eyes opened, shining sadly in the dark and i knew that if she could have mustered it, she would have smiled at me. instead, she reached up and wrapped her fingers around mine, squeezing my hand gently.
"i don't know what i would do without you, cosima. i love you so much." i smiled softly at her in the dark and gripped lightly at her fingers. she had endured so much pain in her life, gone through so much hell and back, and all she deserved was a little shot at happiness.
"i love you too, delphine. try to get some sleep."
the weeks following delphine's return had been precariously long and full of so many questions, some of which did not get answers. what we did know, though, was that they wanted to start sera on a chemo regimen, something that had delphine in knots. we both knew what it was going to do to her, how what we were agreeing to was to fill her small form up with toxic chemicals to save her body from itself. fortunately, it had been caught soon enough that something could be done. it was a bit better than what had happened to michel, i knew that much, but it was still something left in the balance, bound to tip one way or another in time.
i felt like a helpless heap, stuck in the passenger's seat as i had to stand back and watch one of the people i loved most take on such an adult fact of life at such a young age and hold the hand of the other as she could do nothing to stop it. we were warriors on the front lines, bare handed, without any weapons or defenses. all we could do was hold sera's hand whenever she needed it and rub her back when she could hardly stand taking a breath. once the chemo started, things were especially hard. sera was constantly sick and while the only thing she ever did aside from that was snuggling up to either delphine or i, it was the most unbearable thing to see her so drained and tired.
there was something, though, that had been far worse than her constantly getting sick or crying all of the time. it had only been a matter of time, but as sera's hair started to fall out, i knew that the most heartbreaking days were yet to come. one morning, delphine had taken sera into school to get her work for the week; she had wanted to go alone, but sera had begged her. there were things on her hook in ms. devineaux's room that she wanted to get and although sera couldn't say it, we both knew that she missed her friends. they had come back a bit later and i had known the moment they came through the door that something was wrong. sera had tried to run up the stairs to go to her room, but her toe caught on the first step. delphine was quick, though, and lunged forward to catch her before she could hit the other steps. "be careful, papillon," she scolded half-heartedly, and let her go to retreat to her room. i'd asked her what was wrong, but she smiled and shook her head at me, dismissing me.
the rest of the day, things were quietly tense in the house. something very obviously had delphine upset and there was nothing i could do to change it. even as i tried to coax it out of her as we laid down for bed, i had known that she was not going to willingly give it up and in a way, it hurt. i wanted to make this easier for her, to lighten her burden, but she wasn't letting me. it took me over an hour to fall asleep and i stayed that way for even less time. instead, i awoke nearly forty five minutes later, a bit cold from the lack of body heat next to me. i opened my eyes and confirmed what i already knew; delphine was gone. squeezing my eyes shut, i listened hard and could hear her quiet crying coming from the adjoining bathroom. slowly, i climbed out of bed and crossed the room, standing in the doorway to the bathroom. what i saw completely broke me. delphine was curled up in the corner, against the tub, with her face in her knees, sobbing. instantly, my face fell and my eyes stung.
i made my way inside, my feet warm on the cold tile, and placed myself on the floor next to her, wrapping an arm around her. instinctively, she leaned into me and came unglued, crying so hard her body trembled in my grasp. "what happened, honey?" i coaxed lightly, rubbing her back as comfortingly as i could possibly manage. she did not give me an answer right away, but instead let her head rest on my shoulder, the tears still spilling down her cheeks. it was a good five minutes, maybe ten, before she slowly started to pull herself together, to find her voice again.
"today… when i took sera in to get her things from school… and we went into her classroom… a couple of the kids said things about liking her hat… and she took it off…" she started crying again, hiding her face in my neck. i held her tighter and buried my face in her hair, squeezing my eyes shut. "they laughed at her, cosima. i don't think they did it in a malicious way… they're just kids and i know that, but i just… she cried the whole way home." delphine stopped speaking and looked up at me, her eyes so red and wet with her heartache. "i can't do anything. i can't take away her pain, i can't give her her hair back, i can't make her feel normal." my face crumpled like an old note on worn paper and before i knew what was happening, my cheeks were wet with tears. i was crying? shit, when had that happened?
i cleared my throat and wiped at my face, searching my vast pool of knowledge for words, for anything. finally, they came. "maybe we can make her feel normal," i replied, my hold loosening from around her. i got to my knees and scooted over toward the sink, pulling open a couple of drawers in search of something. i had made my mind up two minutes ago and nothing delphine said was going to change it. i found what it was i was looking for and cradled them in my hands, glancing up to delphine as i turned to face her. before she could even process what i was doing, i reached up with one hand and picked up a dread, tugging on it by the end, pulling it away from my head. with the other hand, i slipped my fingers in the grips of the scissors and lifted them up, cutting away the lone dread. delphine, who had been watching me with a confused expression, yelped and gasped, covering her mouth in horror.
"cosima! what are you doing?! have you lost your mind?!" i smiled at her as i repeated the process several more times until she, too, was on her knees, taking hold of my wrists. "cosima! stop! your hair!"
my eyes wrinkled at the corners as i smiled at her, my heart still squeezing in my chest. i knew what i was doing, and i wanted to do it. i laughed at her, but it was not out of joy— in fact, i was crying even worse than i had been before. delphine grabbed my face and pressed her forehead to mine, crying as she kissed me; i could taste the excess salt on her lips. "it's just hair, delphine. it's going to grow back. but at least this way, sera doesn't have to feel so alone." her eyes opened and stared into mine at close range, her touch on my face so desperate and firm. the tears were still soundlessly leaking down my cheeks, but i was resolved to finish what i had started. i gave her another soft, salty kiss, and pulled back, watching her. "when i get done, will you help me finish with the clippers?"
though her cheeks, her nose, her eyes were all red, she smiled at me and nodded her head. "only if you help me, too." i beamed at her, giving her a nod of my own in return. of course i would help her. of course i would cut and shave her hair off after she helped me do the same. so that was how we spent the rest of our night, when the two of us could not find sleep. she cut off a couple of my dreads at a time to speed along the process and then finished off with the clippers, running her hand over my now smooth, round head. her eyes sparkled with her tears and i knew that she was overwhelmed by the sacrifice i was willing to make. she'd known as well as i had that everything about me, it was an extension of who i was and so, for me to willingly get rid of that for her daughter, it was beautiful to her. i understood it, i truly did.
she sat on the edge of the tub and i got in it to stand behind her, pulling her hair into a bun on the top of her head. i asked her if she was sure, if she really wanted to go through with it and she looked up at me, a smile on her lips, and nodded her head. i got about half way through the base of her bun and ended up laughing— her hair was too thick to get it all in one go, so instead, i took it down and cut sections of it at a time until it was short enough for me to shave the rest of it off. when i finished and she got to her feet, i could see a movie shot in my head, like there was a camera in the ceiling, taking in the panorama of the white tile, the white bathtub, and the blonde curls and brunette dreadlocks covering the floor. as i stood behind her, peeking around as she looked at herself in the mirror, i watched her eyes well up with tears and she reached up to cover her mouth. i wrapped my arms around her waist and pressed the side of my head to her arm. "you look beautiful," i told her in a whisper, turning my head to kiss her shoulder. "i'm sure sera will think so, too."
the next morning, we'd gotten up and started our morning routines a bit earlier than normal. i was scrambling egg whites in a pan on the stove as delphine made coffee behind me and was not even aware that sera was awake until we heard her squeal as she came into the kitchen. the two of us turned to face her, and she had the biggest smile on her face. "you're like me," she voiced softly, reaching up to rub the smooth crown of her head. as we stood side by side, she ran up to us, looping an arm through our inside legs, hugging them tight. "i love you both to pluto and back," she managed weakly, and when she looked up at us, she had tears in her eyes.
it was that moment, that particular moment in time, that dictated the decisions i would come to make in the future. it was looking into her eyes and knowing that i would do literally anything for the two of them that solidified everything in my mind.
close to two months later, sera's health took a nosedive. she was steadily getting worse and her body was starting to give up on itself, despite her spirit's desire to fight. delphine and i had been sitting by the window on the couch as sera slept and we got the news; without a bone marrow transplant within the next month, it was most likely that sera wouldn't make it past christmas. having to hold delphine and see the tears gave me a new resolution, a new purpose for living. we had briefly discussed the possibilities of trying to find a donor, but sera was AB- and finding a match was going to be like finding a needle in a haystack. i had suggested that maybe i could test, but delphine had dismissed the notion before i'd had any time to sway her on it.
i was going to donate my bone marrow to seraphina, even if it made delphine angry with me. i would just have to do it behind her back.
being an O-, i was that needle. i was going to make my own way out of the haystack.