Chapter 3
Katniss's breathing slowed so much that I kept checking her vitals. She was gone to a time of great danger and there was nothing I could do to help her. I brushed her hair out of her face as I sat next to her body on our bed.
"And, beta level reached." Beetee said, looking at the machines attached to my wife. I could feel my shoulders and hands tense up.
"The meds caused premature REM sleep," Binara replied, looking at a screen that I recognized from my extended stays in hospitals over the years.
"Is that-" I begin.
"As expected." Binara said resting her matronly hand on my shoulder.
"Once she reaches gamma we can start disconnecting most of the wires." He said.
"Which should be anywhere from forty five minutes to an hour from now." She said, looking at me in a way that felt like she was looking for the beginning symptoms of an episode. It was irritating. I hadn't had a bad one in years!
Beetle stretched his back and looked at me expectantly. " I could use some tea..."
I clenched my jaw, I wasn't leaving Katniss's side for anything.
"In the kitchen downstairs in the cabinet to the left of the fridge." I gritted out.
"Could you be a dear and get me a cup too? With sugar and cream? I dare say, our friend here might be in need of some hot chocolate." Binara smiled.
Beetee grumbled but went downstairs, leaving me alone with the counselor.
"You're quite the cute couple you know." She began nodding towards Katniss.
"Yeah." I wasn't feeling talkative.
" I know there was a lot of show going on during and after your games, and I understand that you grew an attachment to her early on, but has she ever said when she felt the same? I knew there was at least friendly attachment during the 74th, from my view but-"
I wasn't sure if she really wanted to know or if this was a counseling trick to distract me from my worry.
"It depends if you mean when she started having feelings for me or when she finally knew she had them, which was quite the agonizing gap from my perspective." I watch her breathe to reassure myself she was still with me.
"Mmhmm. She does fit the profile of someone who didn't allow themselves to be emotionally self aware growing up." The old woman said clinically.
I snort. She didn't know the half of it. Katniss would wrap herself around me at night and tell me to stay with her, and plan on saving my life at the expense of her own and still didn't know for sure more than that she generally liked me as a person. But I wasn't going to tell this woman that.
"Yeah, but she didn't even know what loving someone would feel like, how it's different from friendship, and I was her first kiss so she had nothing to compare it to, and she wasn't the kind of girl to moon over guys or spend time with those who did." I had been Something I had found attractive about her, that she wasn't a silly gossip like many merchant and seam girls were.
"She didn't want to love. Classic abandonment and neglect issues." she nodded. "Do you think it would have helped if she had had a way to sort out her feelings? A roadmap?"
I shrugged. "probably."
"Hmm, you know, I had thought about writing a book called 'Deducing and Classifying Emotional Response via the scientific method.' With an insert on the added complications of being a victor to help clueless scientists and others who often ignore their emotions in the name of logic and science... A serious problem for 3 back then, the best and brightest often didn't reproduce or paired off without thought to their own emotions." She took out a small screen and started scribbling on it.
I stared at her for a moment trying to translate her words. I had heard most of the terms before but not together like that. I think the jist was a book on understanding emotions.
"Yeah."
"Hmm, maybe I will go back and write that book and see if I could give it to her during a time it would be helpful. If nothing else it would have helped my students, and Bee."
I didn't think she was even still talking to me anymore. I had assumed that she was the more normal of the pair but maybe she just hid it a bit better.
Beetee came back with a tray of rolls, butter and hot tea on a tray, with a mug of cocoa for me.
It was only then I realized I hadn't been worrying about my wife for a good 15 minutes.
" Nice mural." Beetee said gesturing at the walls.
For better or for worse, all I could do now, was wait.
/
I woke up with a start, heart beating fast, feeling disoriented even though I was still in my own bedroom. Well, sort of. I immediately noticed the beige undecorated walls, which only added to my anxious energy. It had worked. I rubbed my eyes to make sure of, I don't know, but it was all still there. I bounded to the window and my knees didn't ache at all . I could see a clear cool day, with bright autumn leaves hanging from the tree outside. Fall. What does that mean? What am I supposed to do? I spun around and caught my face in a mirror. Man I had been young. Focus. Focus, Everdeen! I had to do something next, remember, something...CLOSET!
I ran to the closet to confirm where I thought I was. Well, when. Peeta had suggested that my closet would be the easiest indicator of when I had ended up. If she had the Victory Tour dresses than it was after that. If there were wedding dresses it would be that week. If she couldn't walk to it , it was that time she injured her leg to get over the electrified fence. If there were packages of Capital Shampoo it was after the photo shoot. My stylists had come prepared to wipe away any excuses I could have for not taking care of my 'look'. Process of elimination.
No Victory tour dresses. So it was the fall after the 74th games, not after the war. Not the best time for Peeta's letter idea but what the hell. I found some stationary and began writing the letter Peeta had had me memorize before I forgot it. Remembering yesterday was like searching through mud for katniss roots. It took some time even when you knew where they were. I would need to put i the letter in an envelope for herself to give to them after the wedding dress was chosen.
Basically, but not exactly, it read;
Dear Mellark Family,
Please join my family to watch the Quarter Quell since I plan on dying to save your son's life and they'll need to know that it was my choice when it happens. Lay on the heavy guilt.
Regards,
Katniss Everdeen, the girl who keeps breaking your son's heart but plans to make it up to him. In fact I really wish I could let you know that I'm going to give you grandkids but I don't know that yet. But if I could I would tell you how amazing Peeta is, despite how horrible you, his mother are.
The purpose and reasoning behind it was If they had watched the games at her house they would survive the fire as the victors village still stood and Gale would lead them to safety too.
The letter could wait up here for later. There was just so much to do. I had all this energy I just had to use. I made quick work of washing my face, admiring the lack of burn marks and wrinkles. I knew I was pretty at 39, decades of being adored and told so by Peeta had sunk in, but looking at me now how could I have ever not appreciated this body? No aching knees, or burn caused sensitive skin... I was broken off from contemplating my face by women's voices coming from downstairs. Prim! Down I went with nimble light feet, much like a Capitol child on Christmas morning.
Prim was eating breakfast at the table, probably before school. Blissfully alive. I hugged her from behind. "Prim!"
"Someone is in a good mood." My mother said with a small smile.
Yes, well. She wasn't that surly teenager anymore and no one was trying to kill her or the people she cared about which went a long ways. Crap, how bad was I 20 odd years ago?
Prim got up. "I'm glad. You don't smile enough."
I kissed her forehead. She hugged me briefly then headed for the door.
"Off to school?" I ask.
"Some of us still have to go." She stuck her tongue out at me and shut the door. I couldn't contain my huge grin.
My mom smiled at me. Should I stop smiling? Would that be less suspicious? Act like a teen Katniss, I told myself, although I'd never really acted like one even when I had been one.
I heard a knock at the front door and rushed to answer it, sliding a little on the wood floor with my socked feet.
It wasn't until I'd opened the door that I realized with the cool breeze that I was only wearing a tank top and the sleep pants cinna had given me. Brr!
To my delight it was my husband looking so young and... Hot. Wow. His eyes were completely clear of venom or grief. I had to keep him that way. He was carrying a bag with bread in it, from the smell.
"Katniss?" He looked really awkward and his tone was formal not to mention he kept glancing away from me.
"Come in, come in!" I said.
I took a deep breath of the yeasty goodness making my stomach grumbled audibly. Mmn. On top of the basket were Cheese buns, my favorite. I grabbed a few and started eating them, waving him in. "You'd think I'd get tired of these, but they're so good!" I breathed.
"Thanks." Peeta looked like I'd handed him a snare, and he had no idea what to do with it,especially in my house. Oh. Right. I'd been more cagey and quiet back in the day, and we were barely on speaking terms. I had been married to the king of words, but I didn't know how to apologize for being nice to him because it was freaking him out. I don't know if my peeta could have done much better.
" I slept all night without any nightmares," I say as my only probable explanation.
He nodded.
I had to curtail my 'I'm going to save everybody and make it right' enthusiasm if I was going to accomplish my goals.
Peeta pulled more bread out of his bag and put it on the table. He looked wary of me, like I was going to hurt him,again.
"How are you?" I asked.
"Fine." I could tell he was holding back, protective.
I made sure to meet his eyes. "I was wondering if perhaps you'd like to go on a picnic with me today."
I saw his eyes light up for a moment before suspicion and wariness darkened them. He was going to decline because he was scared. Damn he couldn't do that. I felt a little bad, but I pulled out my big guns, the face that I had learned over the years that Peeta couldn't say no to.
I touched his arm in the right spot, leaned in, did the ' I need you' face as if I was going to start crying soon and said with longing "Please Peeta..."
I saw his eyes widen as he was surely not aware of this face nor its powers over him. He grimaced and sighed, looking slightly ashamed that he was giving in. "Alright."
"Thank you." I said squeezing his arm. " I really want to get to know you, and I feel like we don't know that much about each other,for instance I don't even know what your favorite food is." We'll I do, but I didn't.
I watched him think. "Yours is.. Cheese buns?" He said uncertainly.
"Yeah, and lamb with plums..."
That brought a wistful smile to his face. Both foods were new to me, and connected to my boy with the bread.
"Okay." He says more confidently.
"Meet me back here in a half hour, with some bread and your sketchbook."
He seemed startled. Oh, right.
"Haymitch told me about your talent." I cover.
He nods, and I smile at him before he leaves.
"I'm glad you seem to be getting along better with our nearest neighbor." My mom comments, tea in hand.
"Yeah." I say and head upstairs to get ready. I choose a more form fitting orange shirt to go with my trousers for Peeta's sake.
As I'm putting the last of my hurried picnic food together, I notice some chocolate on the counter and put it in my bag for good measure.
Peeta knocks, which is weird for me. I'm about to say you live here too you silly, but think better of it, and meet him on the porch. He's dressed in a nicer shirt and shaved since I saw him last.
After several stiff attempts at conversation, Peeta started a game where we both ask each other questions that we must be willing to answer ourselves. We start with the mundane, favorite color, foods, seasons etc. Mine is spring, his is fall. We move on to some mutual experiences. We steer clear of the games or any tribute, but we exchange stories the most bizarre Capitol citizens we had seen as we pass into the Seam.
"Did you see the man who looked like wanted to be a deer?" He gestures with his arms above his head miming the rack that had been attached to the mans head.
I shake my head and smile, until Peeta's face turns serious. He's looking at something to my right. I turn. There is a barefoot child with sunken eyes. Peeta passes me with a large nutty roll in his hand that he holds out to the child. An older seam child would have refused, but this one was too young and too far gone to care.
And we move on.
I take the opportunity to put my hand on his cheesy as a stop to listen at the fence. Once we're through he asks " So, where are we going?"
"Somewhere I haven't taken anyone else." I say mysteriously, before taking his hand. Well, not yet anyways.
We have been hiking for fifteen minutes when I notice how unsteady he is on his new leg still. I couldn't hurt his bruised ego, so I pick up two walking sticks and hand him one. " Its treacherous among these rocks and bushes." I lie.
He's a bit better after that. When we are minutes from the lake I say. "Close your eyes." I say.
He looks at me suspiciously. I cover his eyes with one of my hands and carefully lead him with the other.
"Okay, you can open them now." I whisper next to his ear.
He does and his eyes widen as be takes it all in. He steps closer to the water and breathes. "It's beautiful."
The orange, red, purple, yellow and rare green leafed trees have dropped some of their leaves and others floated in a gusty autumn wind.
"Worth the walk?"
He nods. "How did you even find this place." There is wonder in his voice.
"My dad used to take me here to fish, and to swim like one. "
He turns to me with a smile. "Thank you."
I shrug.
"Come on, " I take his hand and bring him near the roofless cabin where there is a grassy area and a tiny sandy beach as it were.
He sits down and brings out his sketchbook. I grin. Right after his pencil comes out, I take my shoes and socks off,and start shimmying off my pants which are currently at his eye level. He gapes up at me. I take my shirt off too,just for the effect it will have on his teen-aged brain. His breathing quickens and he says my name like a question. I walk backwards onto the sand, and raise an impatient brow at him. " aren't you going to take your clothes off too?" As if I still have no idea the effect I have on him.
His sketchbook goes down, and he stands up. I touch his shirt where the sweat is showing.
" I know it's cold, but it will feel good to wash off all that sweat." I say matter of factly, and dash for the water. Once I come up I try floating on my back as its only tolerably warm in the first foot.
He has passed the stage of shock and has started taking his clothes off with the rapidity of a teen-aged boy alone with a pretty girl. Soon enough he has waded in to his knees and curses.
"It's freezing!" He hisses. I come join him.
"that's why we don't stay in." I say. Although I am disappointed that is too cold to teach him any kind of swimming.
We make it back to shore and I lay on the grass to dry out, before redressing. Peeta starts sketching the lake.
"When it's warm we should do this again, but with more swimming." I say offhand. He just nods.
Eventually we eat our lunch of sandwiches, and spiced apple tarts. When we are done Peeta gets serious again.
"What changed? Yesterday you avoided me and today you're ," he gestured at me where i can recently been less dressed with a smile twitching at the edge of his lips. " taking me with you to your forest."
Tomorrow, I would probably warm up to him because he was being nice to me, but I wouldn't be this warm. I didn't want to give him emotional whiplash, so I was careful in how I phrased my words. But this, honest with him about where I was emotionally was a major reason for this picnic.
"I never wanted us to ignore each other, Peeta. I want to be friends. I just," I sigh. " I have to, I'm responsible for Prim, have been since my father died and...my mother bailed on us, couldn't be bothered to get out of bed to cook, work, nothing. If I hadn't of started hunting we would have died and my mother didn't care. And you know why? Because she was in love and that made her weak and, and I can never afford the kind of love that makes you forget those who depend on you. I loved my dad but that didn't make me weak. I cried and missed him, but did what I had to. I, everyone in the seam knows that about me. It's not you, Peeta, I just can't."
"Everyone in the seam, does Gale know?" Peeta asked feigning indifference.
"Yes! But no, he had to go kiss me for the first time and ruin our friendship and say things, thinking I can now that I'm a victor. But I can't. He's my oldest friend, so I mean if I was going to, I mean I see it would be fair to marry him, but ugh." I put my hand over my face. " I can't even imagine letting him kiss me again," I make a grossed out face for Peeta's benefit." but I um...liked kissing you, but how would I even know what that means? Maybe if I let him try it again I'd like it. But none of that should matter because I just can't love anyone in the first place."
"You shouldn't kiss someone if you don't want to." Peeta advised.
"Do you remember when we kissed in the cave after the feast?"
"Yeah." He answered expectantly.
"I really liked that one, that was all me, I was very disappointed when you stopped." I glance at him, fidgeting with some grass, and try to blush.
He leans towards me. "Really?"
I nodd.
You can see the wheels turning in his head, probably trying to pinpoint how that kiss was different and how he could replicate it so I'd want to kiss him more often. Oh, I was a great wing women. What other covert wing women tips could I give.
"When your name was called for the reaping I was upset because I didn't want you to die. I thought the whole love thing was just a trick to try to kill me. I tried to not get close because I thought it wouldn't hurt so bad if you did die. I just did what I thought would get us sponsors and save your life.
"I understand that now. Thanks for that by the way. I just don't understand why it's usually like pulling teeth to get you to really talk to me."
"It's hard to open up to you about how I feel because there is so much pressure to pretend to be in the kind of love I have no experience with. And you say these things That make me feel guilty, or "
"Guilty?" He asked.
"You come on a bit strong and I feel guilty that I can't feel that way, or as if we're both at a stage that I'm not." I frown at the grass.
"Oh." He seemed to consider my words. "I could try...to be friends, I mean It would be less painful than where we are now."
" I think I would like that. I think if we could just get to know each other better like real people that I wouldn't freak out." I say as if this wasn't my plan all along.
He smiled back at me. "I can do that."
I packed up my bag and stood up. When I looked at the sky and could tell by the position of the sun that school would get out soon.
"We'd better head back, I have to be home for Prim." I say. He agrees. We headed back towards town, more in tune than we had been hiking up.
I admire his form in a less than subtle manner.
"Is it normal for friends to really miss each other to the point of longing and think the other is really attractive?" I say in my emotionally clueless voice right next to his ear.
Peeta trips.
A/N: most of these time travel trips will be in chronological order, for the express reason that it will be easier to read and keep track of. Also I wrote most of this on an iPad which made for some weird autocorrects. It will be clear as you read this that I don't have a beta reader, if you'd like to fix that, please let me know!
Most chapters will cover the whole time travel trip but this was getting long and I haven't posted this year. Thank you for the people who took the poll! Deciding which of the time frames to start her visits took the most time, embarrassingly enough.