two months. that was it. only two months.
i had only, roughly, eight weeks left with my daughter. the doctors pulled me out in the hallway to tell me that she, most likely, wouldn't make it to see christmas without a bone marrow transplant, and if she did, she would almost certainly not live to see the new year. i remember nodding my head, attempting to notify him that i understood his words, that i felt every bone-crushing ounce of the gravity they carried. he touched my shoulder and for a moment, it was as if i wasn't... me. i could see his hand on my shoulder, but i didn't feel it. i didn't feel anything. then, then he walked away and i was sucked right back into my being; i felt all of it; all of the heartache, all of the pain, all of the harsh injustice, it all careened toward me, piercing too many different parts of me. in an instant, i fell to my knees in the hallway, leaning against the wall. my hand pressed over my mouth as i tried to stifle the sob that escaped my lips.
in the blink of an eye, cosima was peering around the door, instantly kneeling before me when she realized i was a sobbing heap on the floor. her palms so delicately cradled my jaw and her eyes softened, her lips tugging down at the corners. her lips parted, just barely, like there were very few words on the tip of her tongue, but she did not speak. instead, she moved to her knees and pulled me into her arms, holding me tightly to her chest as i cried. she didn't need to ask, she knew that things had only gotten worse. that was the beautiful thing about what i had with cosima; some things were just too painful to hear, let alone repeat, and she completely understood that.
"hold on, okay? i'm sure sarah won't mind watching the girls while we go take a walk." she reached up and brushed a few of my tears away with the pad of her thumb before she got to her feet and made her way back into the room.
a couple of months after we had first started seeing one another, cosima had been contacted by a woman who lived in brixton and had been searching for her biological parents. as it turned out, they were twins; safe haven babies that had been left in an emergency room in los angeles. they'd been adopted out to two different families, one of which was originally from london but lived in los angeles, the other being a resident as well. the former stayed in the area for the first two years of sarah's life, but then moved back to their home city and raised her there. cosima's parents, on the other hand, had stayed in the state, but moved up north, raising her in san francisco. essentially, sarah moved to the states when her daughter, kira, was a baby, and had been trying to track down her birth parents since, which led her to cosima all those years later. the closer the two of them got, the more i got to know the family cosima hadn't known she'd had. sarah was... well, the only thing the two truly shared were their faces.
it amazed me, really, how the two of them could be so alike and yet, so incredibly different. it was in the details, in the way they would slouch so differently, or the way they behaved while speaking. sarah was always carrying something, be it a pen or her keys, flipping them around her finger in a completely non-methodical way. she muttered more, perhaps in a way that she might have been used to being talked over, but was slowly getting away from it. and then, then there was kira.
being confined to a hospital room is hell, especially on a five year old. the more sarah and kira came around, the easier it was on seraphina; she had a friend, someone to occupy her time. they would color in coloring books or watch movies for hours on end. she was an incredible distraction for sera, for making her forget just how bleak things were, and i could not have been more thankful. then, moments like these came and sarah's presence was even more overwhelming. when i needed to step away, to catch my breath and get my head on in a way that only cosima could assist with, sarah was there like an angel to step in.
after a moment, cosima returned and i had somehow miraculously managed to get to my feet, though i was still leaning against the wall for support. she reached down and lightly took me by the fingers, gently tugging me down the hallway. i moved up next to her side and gripped her hand tightly in my own as we walked, still trying to figure out how, and at what point, this had become my reality, the way my world was falling apart. on top of that, i was trying desperately to remember how to put one foot in front of the other. cosima pulled open the door to the courtyard and i passed through it, her following right behind me. she took a seat on a bench and tugged on my hand, pulling me into her lap. i leaned down to rest my head on her shoulder and could hold it in no longer. the tears started falling the moment my forehead pressed to the warm skin of her neck. she wrapped me up in her arms and held me tightly, giving me the one thing i needed more than anything in that moment: a shoulder to cry on. someone to be there. her. i needed her.
i let her hold me like that for what felt like an eternity, but was, in reality, only a few minutes. the tears were still falling from my eyes, but i had regained my ability to function on a basic level, or at least to form words. "doctor jamison said... he s-said that she needs a bone marrow transplant. but because of her blood type, the likelihood of her getting it in time..." i'd tried to keep it in, but i started sobbing again and in response, cosima's hold on me tightened and she rubbed at my back soothingly. "he said sh-she... won't m-make it til christmas." my words were barely audible as i choked them out, but cosima understood. she held me so tight, so close, and i never wanted her to let go. we sat in silence for close to twenty minutes, my tears dampening her shoulder and her hand splaying soothingly over my spine. i straightened up slightly and when i looked down at her, i could tell that she was thinking, that there was something she wanted to say but hadn't quite figured out how.
"i... delphine, you know... i could always have the test done to see if i-" instantly, i put my hand up.
"no, cosima, i couldn't ask you to do that." i shouldn't have been so quick to throw up those walls, especially with sera's life hanging in the balance, but something in me knew i had to put my foot down. hell, if i wasn't a match, and i was her mother, why would cosima be? maybe there was this part of me, buried deep down, though, that was afraid she would be, that she have the ability to save my child when i, as her mother, could not.
"you're not asking me, i'm-" again, i cut her off. in hindsight, i know now i was being completely and irrationally selfish, but at the time, i felt helpless.
"i said no." i was on my feet and her posture stiffened, her eyes going wide. that last word had a touch more acidity to it than i had intended and i knew it had caught the both of us off guard. she was looking at me like i had three heads. perhaps it was because she knew that i was being ludicrous when i had my head so far up my own ass that i couldn't see it. she, too, stood to her full height and met my gaze, though we weren't eye to eye.
"think about what you're saying, delphine. this could-"
"cosima." my voice boomed off the windows of the courtyard, echoing. "we're not discussing this any further." i brushed by her and went straight for the door, making a beeline back for sera's room.
cosima had returned a short while after i did, but we did not speak. i could barely look at her. i had never yelled at her like that before, and it made me sick to my stomach. even as kira and sarah said their goodbyes and sera requested that i snuggle with her in her bed, i could still feel it, knotting away. i had been so horrible to her when she hadn't deserved it. all she wanted was to help, to somehow make things better, and i wouldn't even afford her the opportunity. when sera and i had both fallen asleep a few hours later, cosima had taken the opportunity to- well, i had assumed that she'd gone home to shower and get a fresh change of clothes. when she did not return by midnight, i had considered calling her, but that meant i would have to apologize and to apologize would mean that i'd have to admit that i was wrong and there was a piece of me that still believed that i could be the one to save sera. oh, how naive i was. maybe we just needed time apart.
the next morning, sarah and kira had arrived a little after eleven and i had still not heard from cosima. was this really how it was going to be? was she that upset with me? i had never meant for things to come apart at the seams in such a way, but i knew that i, too, was starting to unravel and it was affecting the people i cared about, namely cosima. sarah had gone down to the cafeteria to see if she could scrounge up some decent tea (another trait she shared with her sister) when doctor jamison appeared through the doorway, a large smile on his face. i straightened up in my chair, looking up at him expectantly.
"since we've got our match, we're going to go ahead and schedule the transplant for tomorrow evening." he was looking at me as though i knew something i should have, but did not. my mouth hung open slightly, my eyes wild.
"you found a match?!" i asked him, completely oblivious. his face fell slightly and he looked a bit perplexed, like he was missing something.
"she didn't tell you?"
"she?" the moment the word left my lips, my face fell into a dawning of realization and i knew it was a stupid question. of course i knew who he was referring to. sarah had appeared in the doorway moments before, but came through as i'd spoken.
"don't look at me," she offered as she slid back into her seat, handing me a warm coffee cup. i gave him a nod and he offered a warm smile in return. he talked to sera for a few moments, asking her a couple of questions and even including kira in his inquiries, and bid the two of them a good night before offering me a wave, too. i glanced at sarah, raising a brow. "oi, i didn't know. i swear." she took a drink from her cup and smiled at me. the way her lip tugged down on the left side, it was so different from cosima's chipper grin, but it made me smile nonetheless. "listen, if y'want, if it's okay with big chief over there, we can stay here for the night. you two haven't slept in your own bed in how long? plus, i know you want to talk to her."
my face split in a grin and i shook my head slightly, breathing a gentle laugh. "am i that obvious?" she pursed her lips and shrugged her shoulders, making me laugh more. i thanked her and got to my feet, moving to sit on the edge of the bed next to sera, who was putting a few small flowers in kira's hair. i reached up and lightly touched her cheek, smiling down warmly at her. "papillon, would you be okay if kira and aunt sarah stayed with you for the night?" she looked up at me, those brilliant green eyes wrinkling at the corners with her smile.
"as long as you take a shower," she mused at me, pinching her nose before she fell prey to a fit of giggles. i carefully and gingerly poked her sides, leaning down to steal a brief kiss on her cheek before i stood, bidding the three of them a goodnight, thanking sarah once more for being an impromptu babysitter.
when i made my way through the door at home, the house was quiet and i closed my eyes, listening hard. faintly, i could hear the pipes creaking and groaning as cosima showered upstairs. i kicked off my shoes and made my way upstairs, shedding my clothes as i went. yes, she was probably still upset with me, but i had a feeling that i could find a way to make it up to her. by the time i got to the bathroom door, i pushed it open and pushed my underwear over my hips, stepping out of them as i crossed the bathroom and tugged on the handle of the glass door. startled, cosima jumped and turned to me, her expression going lax when she realized who it was. the corners of her lips even tugged up the slightest bit in a smile and my heart skipped a beat. "i'm sorry." i murmured softly, reaching up to brush my knuckles over her cheek. she stood on her toes and placed her lips neatly to mine, wrapping an arm around the small of my back as she did so. she stepped back and pulled me under the flow of the warm water, which caused me to close my eyes, reveling in not only the warmth of the water, but the warmth of her bare body pressed to mine. we kissed, occasionally breathing a laugh or two about the water pouring over our heads, but it didn't seem to matter. nothing seemed to matter, really. i parted our lips, but did not move an inch, otherwise. "how did you do it so quickly?" i asked her, opening my eyes to take her in at such a close proximity.
she offered me a soft chuckle in return, nuzzling our noses together. "i'm already a registered donor." she informed me, stealing another chaste but sweet kiss. "and i'm an O negative. universal donor. that's how i knew..." i do not doubt that she would keep talking, but i reached up and took hold of her face, kissing her so deeply that initially, even i had not known what i was going for. i was so overwhelmed by every piece and part of who she was, and how she was so incredibly selfless and loving. i knew that i had more than met the woman of my dreams, the woman that would complete me in every way possible. she was so much more extraordinary than she ever thought to give herself credit for. i clutched at her desperately, holding her so close as i kissed her, knowing that without her, without cosima, i would be less of a woman than i already was. she filled in the weaker parts of me, braced them will her pillars of strength. she completed me, essentially and so wholly.
i stepped into her, pressing her back to the cool marble wall, taking a page from her book as i placed my knee between the two of hers, the weight of her body resting on my thigh. my fingertips dragged tauntingly over her wet skin, the palm of my hand encompassing one of her breasts. my lips parted to reveal teeth, the ones that latched onto cosima's lower lip, tugging on it gently, and she whimpered somewhere low in her throat. i slid my knee up, just barely, on the marble, and she moaned, pressing her fingertips into my back. our lips crushed together more heatedly, and my hand wandered over her physique, shaping to fit each and every muscle it crossed. it graced her hip, tracing delicately over her thigh and danced inward, causing her to cry out in approval. our labored breathing almost drowned out the sound of the showerhead, but not quite. there was something so sweet and so satisfying about getting to have her so close after so many weeks spent cramped up in hospital chairs, so many nights away from home. the way she grabbed at me and moaned my name, it gave me this insane sense of pride and at the same time, filled me from head to toe with butterflies. the way her body shook at my touch and the cries that sounded from the back of her throat made me want to bathe her in kisses and shower her with my love forever. yes, life had been hard on us and i had most assuredly been hard on her, but we still had each other and i was beginning to realize that it was all i'd ever really needed.
we finished showering and dried off, spending the rest of the evening tangled in bed, just talking about the things that were going to happen, about how we were going to live our lives when we could finally bring sera home from the hospital. even despite the fact that i had, on several occasions, lost hope, cosima never did, not once. she always spoke like she knew sera would go into remission sooner or later, like she knew that things would be okay.
the next night, after sera's procedure, i had gone to the cafeteria for coffee and returned to find cosima in the hospital bed next to sera, holding my daughter gently to her side as the two of them slept. i crossed the room and posted myself up in the chair i'd hardly left in months, and watched them as i drank my coffee, a sweet smile on my lips. yes, there was perhaps no certainty that things were going to be okay, that they would work out, but i had faith in the fact that if there was anything that could save the day, or save my daughter, it was going to be the positive force that cosima carried around with her on a day to day basis. everything she was, everything she would be, i knew that i wanted to be by her side for all of it.