if i were being completely honest, i'd never truly known what it really meant to 'live out of a suitcase,' so to speak. at least, not until sera was admitted into the hospital. cosima and i would take turns packing bags each time one of us headed home to shower and very rarely were we ever home together. there were some nights when sarah and kira would stay with seraphina, but for the most part, neither myself nor cosima could stand to be away from sera for more than a couple of hours at a time. at the same time, basically living in a hospital room was taxing on everyone involved. sera would cry to go home some nights and ask for her bed, saying she just wanted to see darwin and watch movies in her bed. it was hard, holding her as she cried into my side over things none of us could change. i wanted to give her everything she was asking for, to make those tears cease, to just make her [i]happy.[/i] she was brave, far braver than i thought her capable of at her age, but if there was anything she'd come to teach me over time, it was that age held no barring when it came to the determination of a hero. she didn't see it now, because she was still so young, but each day she woke up and somehow managed a smile, she was my hero.

despite the fact that she was, and had always been, my number one, there was another hero on her heels; cosima, of course. the night of sera's procedure, i had perched on the couch by the window with a warm cup of tea in my hands, just watching the two of them as they slept. there were so many things that cycled through my head, that made me realize how far i had come in just a matter of years. i had not only grown as a person, as a woman, but i had gotten the opportunity to watch my little girl start on the same path, growing on her own accord. every parent claimed that their child was smart, sure, but sera was gifted. i think, perhaps, even to a point where she understood more than we ever had to tell her. it was in the way she looked at me, or look at cosima on the days when she could hardly sit up in bed, much less doing anything else. it was in the way she held so tightly onto us when we would hold her or hug her. she was scared, so very scared, but she did everything she could to not let us see it. it was a trait she most certainly derived from me, but some part of that idea hurt me, given just how young she was. mine had come from years of trying to make other people happy, trying to please everyone, but her? she was so small, still had so much to learn, so many things to see and do and yet, she was already trying so hard just to make sure everyone else was alright, even though she herself was the farthest thing from.

i'd been sitting there, folded up with my head cocked to the side in adoration as i watched the two of them, for what must have been close to an hour. i, most likely, would have continued to do so, genuinely enraptured in thought, if it had not been for cara, seraphina's nurse, who came in to check sera's vitals. her greeting was quiet, but it had still startled me back into reality. i snapped to attention, though she smiled and waved a hand, dismissing me. "mm, what time is it?" i asked her softly, rubbing my eyes.

"twelve thirty. i don't have to wake her up, just make sure she's doing okay." her tone was almost apologetic; she hated the checks that required creating a sleepy child who could then turn grumpy and cooperative, but i think she mostly disliked them because she hated seeing sera anymore annoyed or upset than she already was. the thing of it was, the team of nurses on our floor… in an odd way, they had become family. they were always around, always there to talk to if either cosima or myself needed someone to lend an ear. there was another nurse in particular, named marco, that almost acted like sera's older brother, if that had ever been possible. he'd often let sera tell him vivid stories she came up with, interjecting only to improve the plotline she'd constructed, which often made her laugh and that sound had, anymore, become audible gold. he once even let her put his hair into small ponytails so that he looked "absolutely beautiful." he was a good guy and had even come by the hospital one night with his boyfriend, who had baked cupcakes for all of the kids on the floor. it was amazing to me, how these people somehow managed to be so… incredible, how they brought this sense of home into a place that was so far from. yes, being confined to the hospital was hard, especially on sera, but they made it their job, even if it wasn't already, to make it bearable.

cara stopped at the foot of the bed and didn't even hesitate before her lips spread into a smile as she looked up to see sera curled up, so small and fragile, next to cosima, whose tan skin made sera look ghostly white in comparison. "they've been like that for hours. i don't have the heart to wake either of them" i admitted with a small smile, following her gaze to watch them. there was such a contrast in the way cosima's chest would rise and fall slowly, steadily, as it did in a way that only happened when she was fast asleep, and sera's did so at a pace twice as fast, though i was positive that she, too, was in a deep sleep.

cara went about her work, but when she was finished, she came over and placed herself next to me. this was not unusual; over the last half year, she was just as much an important figure in my life as sarah was. i slouched slightly and let my head rest on her shoulder. "i'm sorry i didn't tell you, but she asked me not to." i glanced up at her and smiled; of course she knew. cosima would have had to tell someone, especially if it hadn't been sarah. "she just… knew that you'd be upset. because obviously, it's your daughter and she knew that you felt like you should have been the one to do something. we've all been there, haven't we?" she offered a soft chuckle; cara's son jamison had been born with a hole in his heart and had needed a transplant before his first birthday. i could still remember the first time she had told me about him, and about how hard it had been for her to accept that not only was it not her fault, but there was nothing that she could do to fix it. she empathized with me in a way few people could, and she also gave me hope in a way few people could, when a nine year old jamison came by with books and puzzles to share with sera.

"i'm not mad at you. or her. everything happens for a reason, i do believe that. and i should have known… no matter what i said or did, cosima was still going to do what she knew was best." i paused, stealing another glance at them in the hospital bed. "she's stubborn, but that is why i love her." a soft beeping came from her pocket and she gave my knee a light pat.

"gotta go do my job, as much as i would love to stick around." i gave her a nod and smiled warmly as she got to her feet. she offered to bring me coffee when she came back a couple hours later and i assured her that i would, hopefully, be fast asleep by then.

the following days were trying, to say the least. despite the success of the procedure, the chemo was still having its way with sera's small body. she was constantly getting sick and would only drink water and apple juice while refusing to eat anything simply because she was all too aware that it was just going to make her sick. because of how weak it made her and how miserable, she was especially clingy in that whoever was brave enough to climb into bed with her immediately magnetized her to their side, whether it was myself, cosima, or even kira. i knew that, psychologically, it was just the ache for physical comfort, contact. it was said that sometimes, human touch could dull pain, slow heartrates, and create warmth and i believe that for her, it did all of those things.

by the end of the week, she had started to regain color in her cheeks. she laughed more, smiled more, and had a brightness in her tone that i had missed dearly. cosima had been in and out of the room a bit more than normal, but just insisted that she was making plans to redo sera's room for when she was cleared to return home. i told her that it was silly, that she didn't need to do something like that, but she gave me her typical response that she knew she didn't have to, but that she wanted to and i always rolled my eyes. she was too good to be true, sometimes, i swore by it. what i did not realize was just how on point i was with that train of train of thought.

saturday rolled on with a visit from the mannings, which sera was so much more receptive to than the last time they had been by. even more than that, the five of us even managed to go for a short walk around the floor and out into the courtyard; it was unseasonably warm for the time of year, especially considering that christmas was creeping up on us, but just seeing my little girl out in the fresh air for the first time in months, it was enough to cause my heart to nearly burst in my chest. after so many bad, long days, it appeared that we could finally have one quite the opposite. the length and tasks of the day had thoroughly worn her out and after dinner, she had only been one movie away from falling asleep, and 'anastasia' had done the job almost immediately. a little over an hour later, cara had appeared and although she said hello and waved, it seemed to me as though she and cosima shared in a conversation that i, apparently, could not hear. the giveaway had been the smile that pulled apart cosima's lips, revealing that bright, sweet toothy grin i had become accustomed to. cara gave a nod and cosima suddenly hopped to her feet, holding her hand out for me to take, obviously indicating that i needed to come with her.

she pulled me down the hallway and assured me that sera would be fine; the likelihood that she would wake up after such a busy day was practically nonexistent, although part of me wanted to argue, to insist that i needed to be there if she did happen to wake up. something about cosima's giddy demeanor that had peaked my curiosity, something in the way she hadn't wiped that goofy grin off of her face since the moment cara had stepped into the room. we turned the corner and as she pushed the button for the elevator, she toyed lightly, innocently with my fingers. i found myself glancing down at her out of the corner of my eye, watching her as she focused so intently on our hands, our fingers linked together, her smile growing smaller but somehow brighter. she was so charmingly, disarmingly adorable that it turned my heart to mush. i was so soft over her, so soft over the fact that she was mine, all mine, and would be for as long as we lived. i brushed my thumb lightly over the backs of her knuckles, leaning down to place a light kiss on her temple. "what are you up to, ms. niehaus?" i posed, gingerly nudging my elbow into her side.

she grinned up at me, her glasses slipping down her nose in a way that made my stomach flip. "we're just going for a walk," she answered back, attempting to throw me, but i knew better than that. i knew her better than that. i rolled my eyes at her, breathing a soft laugh. i should have known that if she had something up her sleeve, i was never going to know it until she was ready for me to know it. as we got into the elevator, she kept my back turned toward the doors as she moved forward to press the button signaling which floor we were heading to, but as i turned to steal a glance and foil her surprise, she took hold of my face a bit firmly and rocked forward onto her toes, standing as tall as she could manage as she gave me a firm but benevolent kiss, sinking her teeth into my full bottom lip, tugging on it tauntingly. we both knew that i was wrapped around her finger, that i would have walked to the edge of the world with her, if she so asked.

"braaaaat." i breathed against her lips, her breath hot on my own as she giggled in response, the fluttering in my stomach at the sound nearly causing my knees to buckle. the elevator jerked to a stop and we were both laughing as we stumbled into one another, me clutching her around the waist, her hands gripping the sleeves of my sweater. she took my hand again as we slipped out of the elevator and made our way to a locked door, one that needed a keycard to unlock. "we can't go through!" i informed her, as if she did not already know. she simply rolled her eyes, her lips curling upward in an all-too-familiar mischievous grin. she pulled something out of her pocket and slipped it into the lock, causing the light to swap out from red to green, signaling that it had come unlocked. she pulled it open and tugged me through to a flight of stairs and i raised my brow curiously. "up?" i questioned and she nodded her head, squeezing my hand as she started in on the stairs, pulling me along behind her. when we reached the top, she pulled out the same lanyard that the keycard had been clipped onto and pulled up a key, sticking it in the lock and granting us passage.

as we made our way onto the roof, i don't know what i was expecting, but it definitely had not been what i saw. although i could not count them immediately, i could tell that there were roughly twenty to twenty five candles arranged around a couple of blankets, a small basket, two crystal wine glasses that i recognized from our kitchen, more specifically, from when she had moved in, and a bottle of semillon. instantly, my eyes glassed over and i was so overwhelmed with emotion for her that i could hardly get my head around it. the way the flames of the candles danced, casting light on the ledges that rimmed the edge of the building. my breath hitched in my chest and instantly, i raised a hand to press my fingers lightly to my lips, my other still clutched gently in hers. "cosima… i… i don't know what to say."

she tugged me toward her, wrapping her arms around me as she tilted her chin up to look me in the eye, a hand raising to caress my cheek with the backs of her knuckles. "you don't have to say anything," she started, the left corner of her lips twitching up just barely, "except that you'll go on a date with me." my palms landed on either side of her face, cradling both sides of her jaw as my eyes searched hers in the combined light of the moon and the candles, noticing that they held a particular twinkle in them that i had not seen in some time.

"how could i ever tell you no?" i posed in a quiet murmur, running the pads of my thumbs over the apples of her cheeks, leaning forward to press my lips lightly to hers and when i pulled away, the smile that replaced my lips on hers was enough to suck the breath right out of my lungs. how could she manage to be so many complex things all at once and yet, be so simplistically beautiful that i could barely think straight, barely align any properly constructed string of words or thoughts. she pulled me over to the blankets and we both sat; she leaned on her hip, her legs curled up beneath her and my own posture slacked as i leaned into her, my head tilting back just slightly to rest on her shoulder as she slid the wine glass into my hand.

we sat like that for hours, just talking and laugh, so oddly reminiscent of our earlier days. it was ironic, really, how we could be so similar to who we once were and yet, so vastly different. we eventually moved so that she could lean against one of the nearby concrete lips, wrapping her arm around me to hold me close. "you know," she started, a thoughtful note to her voice, "i… i never really thought i'd be the type to have kids. i mean, with school and work and everything else…"

i couldn't help but laugh; the idea that she could have ever lived a life that didn't involve a small, smiling face of joy struck me as strange. "but you're so good with them," i rebuked, glancing at her with a small smile.

"that's very true," she agreed, taking a sip from her glass. she seemed to pause in thought, like there were all of these words crackling at the tip of her tongue, waiting to be set free, but she couldn't quite figure out the right way to liberate them.

"neither did i," i blurted suddenly and immediately, i pulled my lower lip between my teeth, chewing on it, suddenly nervous. "what i mean is… that before i found out i was pregnant with seraphina… i never gave much thought to having children. but then suddenly, there's this—" as i kept speaking, cosima's voice entwined with mine, and we were speaking in unison.

"incredible little girl who captures your heart and soul. life—" we both paused, making eye contact as our smile mirrored each other, before we both continued. "is never the same again." my skin sheeted in goosebumps almost instantly and i was so taken aback by the connection we had established that i could hardly remember what it was to breathe, to need a reminder to participate in an act that should have been as natural as the sun rising and falling in the sky. i set my wine glass down and reached across my body and hers to press my fingertips to the side of her face, turning her head toward me so that i could kiss her. i had considered pulling away after a moment, but as i tried to, she held me closer to her, kissing me deeper, taking my breath away like she was so prone to doing. my heart steadily raced in my chest, creating the beat to which our tongues danced, her fingers tangling in my short, soft blonde hair.

i pulled away moments later, my lungs desperate for the oxygen i was taking in, and looked down at her adoringly. "i love you, you know?" i told her in a quiet murmur, my own hand moving to run lightly through her short brunette curls. "you… you're everything i… we've needed, to a t."

cosima's eyes jerked up to meet mind and for a moment, there was a crease in her brow, one that told me that her mind was buzzing, that she was thinking. "t. t…" she muttered, biting her lip in thought. "that's it!" i was suddenly confused; what was going on inside that brain of hers? desperately and abruptly, she grabbed hold of my wrist, her expression brighter than the sun itself.

"delphine, i know what to do. i know what might save sera's life."