a/n: hi yay this didn't take as long. you guys are all seriously awesome for all of your kind words and feedback and i just want you to know that it means the world to me. BUT ALAS, enjoy!
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as i stared at her, confusion began to scribble itself across my face. i was trying to pull myself up to her level of thinking, and it was truly ironic that i couldn't. i sat up and she moved to sit on her knees, scooping up my hand in both of hers. as i looked into those warm, opaquely beautiful, honey almond eyes, i was taken aback by the resolve and hope i saw there. there was a firm optimism radiating off of her in waves, i could feel it, i needed to feel it. her lips curled up in this grin; it was half out of the pride i could already sense she had of reaching the conclusion, but the other half of it came from the relief she knew it would offer me. "t cells." i blinked at her.
"merde," i muttered back, mentally kicking myself. i was an immunologist for crying out loud and yet, it had never even briefly crossed my mind. how was it that something so absurd was even possible? my free hand pressed to my forehead and i let my eyes close for just a moment. cosima let go of my hand, causing me to instantly re-open them and glance over at her, but she was still wearing that ridiculous grin and she had her hands up, poised to speak.
"they take her t cells, reproduce them, and…" she did not need to tell me; i knew how it worked. i'd studied it inside and out, knew it frontward and backward and yet, i had never even considered applying it to my situation. perhaps it was because my head was too clouded with the grief; it had even been an idea when we had been informed of michel's diagnosis, but it had been far too late for it to have enough time to work.
"are genetically modified to reproduce and attack when in the presence of the leukemia cells," i finished, a bright smile slowly tugging at the corners of my lips as i realized what this meant. i'd had every bit of knowledge within me to have reached such a conclusion, but i never could have done it without cosima, without that little nudge she had to offer.
"in nineteen, nineteen," she repeated for emphasis, her fingertips spread evenly apart as they darted around in the air, "out of twenty two children who have undergone the t cell cloning procedure have gone into complete remission within six months." my heart leapt into my throat at her words. of all that i had studied, that was not a statistic that i could so readily recall like she was able to and the way it danced off her lips, it made my head swim and the breath in my lungs catch. as a scientist, i knew to account for the other three out of the twenty two, but i had hope that sera stood a fighting chance. obviously, the marrow transplant had helped exponentially, but it was, by no means, a cure. with this, though? it was looking more and more appealing by the moment. cosima's hands suddenly jerked forward from where they had been hanging, mid-air, and gingerly took hold of my face, cupping my cheeks carefully in her palms. "you know what this means," she told me softly, and i nodded my head, my eyes wet with a promise of tears, but i turned my head to kiss her palm, squeezing my eyes shut to keep them at bay as i did so.
"it means that you're not only a genius, but you're an angel too." i looked back across the space at her, a lump lodged in my throat. "i… i can't believe it didn't even cross my mind." i raised a hand to touch her cheek, leaning forward to take a brief kiss, stealing it sweetly off of her lips. there was part of me that was angry, but not at cosima. no, instead, i was angry with myself. how had a bypassed something so important? how had i let my feelings get in the way? my heart had gotten far too ahead of my mind and it had shadowed my better judgement. cosima had been there, though, reaffirming any and all beliefs i may have had that she was, quite literally, my other half. not only did she fill in those missing pieces of me, but when i faltered, she was there to catch me and set me back on the right path, the one i needed to be on.
in the dimming light of the candles, i could sense cosima's cheeks growing flushed better than i could actually see them, but it warmed my heart nonetheless. she was so humble, so infinitely selfless that i sometimes considered it beyond my grasp of understanding. i felt so blessed to have her in my life, to know that even when my days seemed dark and sera could not be around to light my way, she was there, always there, and it caused this foreign feeling in my chest; it was a trust i had never experienced before. even when i was at my worst, cosima was always there to hold my hand and guide me through it. it seemed surreal, like perhaps i was going to wake up from this complex, deep dream and realize that she was nothing more than a figment of my imagination. my grandfather always told me that if something seemed too good to be true, it probably was. it seemed so silly, such a cliche and insignificant phrase that was repeated all too many times, but it had been something that had stuck with me, an integral part of the way i thought. it was pessimism, really, but i was being forced to realize that maybe it wasn't always true.
as the corners of my lips tugged upward just barely, i tilted my head to the right in direction. "venir ici," i instructed softly, and she complied, moving to sit between my legs, leaning against me to press her back to my front. my head lulled to the side, resting against hers and i couldn't help myself as a soft laugh fell from my lips, touching her ear in a tickle. she attempted to shrug my away with a quiet giggle, but instead, i nuzzled my face into her neck, placing a light kiss just beneath her ear. i knew that neither of us were in a hurry to immediately attempt to share our realization; it was late, it could wait until the morning. it was a reasonable notion, and part of me wanted to stay in that moment with cosima forever. i was so blown away by her, by the way her mind worked and how she was somehow everything i had ever needed. i turned my head toward hers and smiled as a few stray curls tickled my nose. "je t'aime," i whispered, my lips just barely there as they graced her ear. i had been completely unaware of her movements until suddenly, the tips of her fingers pressed so delicately into my cheek. she turned her head toward me, holding my face still as she caught my lips by storm with her own, knots forming over knots as i was pervaded with a sense of butterflies so strong that it took my breath away.
as she pulled away, she flattened her palm against my cheek and i leaned into her touch, running the tip of my tongue along my bottom lip, yearning for the taste of her lips again. i waited, though, because i could see a sense of inquiry brewing in her eyes. "i've been… thinking," she started, to which my face broke out into a grin.
"oh no, don't hurt yourself," i teased, wrinkling my nose in faux worry. she rolled her eyes and playfully nipped at the edge of my bottom lip in retaliation, causing me to giggle.
"i'm serious," she returned with a slight pause. i reached up to take hold of her hand, lacing our fingers together as i smoothed out my expression, attempting to be earnest. i gave a slight nod, though i was having trouble hiding my smile as she continued. "i've been thinking about you… and us and… this," she held up her hand, gingerly brushing the engagement ring on her finger with her thumb. i should have been nervous, should have thought that she was having second thoughts, but i could read her entirely too well to think that was the case. "and i… god, delphine." she breathed a soft laugh, glancing down slightly before she looked back up at me. "i was okay before i met you. i mean… i got by. i kept busy with school and work because… that's where i was happiest. but then… there you were, and the more i talked to you, the more i got to know you… the happier i was when you were around. when i kissed you that night… and you left, and i didn't see you the next day, i was afraid i'd really screwed up. i didn't want to lose you as a friend, and the prospect that i'd pushed you away scared me." her expression went lax and her smile was so adorably warm. "you scare me." she laughed, stealing a chaste kiss. "but in such an amazing way. but in those moments, those ones where i look at you and feel like you're at home, on the inside of my head, i know that i've never felt like this before, and that i will never be able to feel like this again."
i could feel my hands as they started to tremble at her words, tears stinging at the backs of my eyes. everything she was saying, it was overtaking me entirely, completely. she was so incredibly amazing, so phenomenal that my heart could in no way measure up. she leaned over and pulled something from her bag, something i soon realized was a fine-tip marker. she picked up my left hand and set to work as she resumed speaking. i giggled at the feel of the marker on my skin, letting my chin rest on her shoulder. "there are a lot of times when i… i know that you feel the same way, too. so i suppose…" she turned my hand palm-up and resumed her work, though i couldn't quite see what she was doing, "that since we'd never be able to mange 'traditional,' when it comes to our bands… maybe we could go a more… everlasting route." she lifted up my hand so that i could see what she had been working on. there was an intricate weaving of lines that wrapped around my ring finger and the harder i studied it, the sooner i realized what, exactly it was.
"double infinity?" i quizzed with the smallest of smiles as i craned my neck over her shoulder to get a better glimpse of her face. she looked over at me and was practically beaming.
"a journey that never ends," her words were warm and sincere, and it seemed as though just when i thought i couldn't possibly fall harder for her, i did.
"tattooed wedding bands." i needed to say it, to hear it, to know that she was asking me for permanence and i was astonishingly at the ready to give it to her. she nodded and i grinned, touching her jaw as i stole a brief, loving kiss. "i would be honored." only her, really. only would cosima would come up with something so inventive, something that truly would be a physical representation of what we felt for each other. rings could be taken off, they could be lost, but what we had? it was permanent, it was ever-present. in those moments, i wanted nothing more than to be lost forever, to be lost in her, in those perfectly beautiful eyes. her love swallowed me whole, enveloped me so fully that it was deluging to me.
"i love you, delphine." her voice was so mildly sweet in the night air that it caused goosebumps to cover my arms. i brought a hand up to tangle in her curls, pulling her toward me so that i could take another kiss from her.
"i know you do, and i love you too."
—
somehow, with even a semblance of hope, the weeks seemed to melt away. the doctors were more than receptive to our proposal, and had worked on finding the specialists that were the best at what they did. they'd run all the tests, checked and double checked the results and confirmed that she was fit for the procedure, bringing a joyous flow of tears to my eyes before i could even consider getting a handle on it. they'd started just a few days before her last round of chemo and it was safe to say that we'd all started to cling to a sense of optimism.
although we celebrated the holidays in the hospital, we'd still managed to make the most of it. sarah and kira had spent the night over christmas eve into christmas morning and the girls had fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning, too exhausted from their christmas movie marathon to hold their eyes open. cosima and i made quick work of hauling in the things we had gotten for them while sarah kept watch. as we arranged the gifts beneath the tree, there was a hushed happiness that fell around the three of us; we were blanketed with this strange sense of family. even by that point, i had considered sarah and kira to be family. in fact, i attributed a lot of sera's positive attitude to kira and her consistent friendship. it was truly an awe-inspiring thing to see the bond they had, the way kira was so strong for seraphina when she needed it most.
a few weeks had passed and i was starting to grow weary again, slowly. although it was nowhere near as bad as before, sera seemed to grow fatigued more easily and her lack of appetite had returned, but the nurses had assured me not to worry, that it wasn't completely unlikely. i'd awoken early that morning and headed home to shower and get a fresh change of clothes. despite the fact that i hated not being around for fear of what could happen in my absence, there was also something so infinitely promising about the idea of a hot shower. it washed away every bit of my doubt, every bit of my nerves. it was like stepping beneath the flow of water made me so liberated, freed me from the constraints of my own mind. it was like a breath of fresh air, so to speak, and gave me an entirely new life.
i stopped for lattes on my way back to the hospital and was prepared to return with a fresh-faced, happy outlook on the day, but when i stepped into seraphina's room, i had not been expecting what i saw. her bed was empty and made, all of her things were in a small stack by the window, and cosima sat on the edge of her chair, her back to me, but i could tell that her fingertips were pressed to her lips by the way she sat with her elbows resting on her knees. in that moment, it was like a tidal wave of horror crashed into me, knocking the wind out of me. i had not been gone but a couple of hours. what had happened? where was my daughter? why hadn't anyone called me?! my heart rate spiked as my heart hammered in my chest and i could feel the strength drain out of my muscles, causing my knees to buckle. the warm paper cups slipped from my hands, hurtling toward the ground in slow motion before they came to a sudden stop, the black lids popping off as the liquid sloshed across the floor.
cosima had turned her head to find the source of the commotion, but as she did so, i realized that she was grinning. as she registered that it was me, she was instantly on her feet and headed straight for me, side-stepping the coffee mess on the floor. though i had been striving to keep it together, the conclusions i had jumped to had created a swell of tears to cascade down my cheeks. "where's seraphina? where's my daughter?" i asked her, my voice cracking desperately over my words. she cupped my cheeks in her hands and instantly attempted to brush away my tears, laughing softly at me.
"hey, hey, no tears, no tears. she's downstairs in the cafeteria with sarah and kira eating some jello before we blow out of here." my heart stopped at her words, but in an entirely different manner than it had just moments before. before, it was out of fear, out of terror. this time, it was out of shock.
"we're leaving?! she's released?!" the hope in my tone was tangible, it was so prevalent and dominant in a way that i had not known in a long, long time. she nodded and i rushed forward, wrapping her up tightly in my arms as i hugged her close to my chest.
"she's not in remission yet," she informed me as she pulled back to look up into my eyes, the smile still loosely hanging on her lips. "but she's well on her way, and she's healthy enough to go home. no more white walls and late nights spent on that stiff couch."
i was still holding her closely, watching her with the brightest smile i'd ever been able to manage. "we get to go home," i breathed in relief, feeling close to the verge of tears again, but this time from nothing other than sheer joy. cosima nodded her head, her curls bouncing in a way that made my heart flutter in my chest.
"we get to go home."