a/n: THIS PAINS ME, JUST AN FYI, but alas, this is the final chapter of this woman's work, and i just want to take two seconds to give mention to every last bit of support everyone has given me. i can honestly say i'm proud of something for the first time, and it's because of the encouragement everyone has been so quick to give me. thank you for taking time out of your day to read my little story and encourage me to keep writing. (don't get too upset, there's still an epilogue coming. mwuhahaha.) enjoy!
—
if there was one thing i absolutely could not stand in the world, it was paperwork. i understood that it's a necessary evil, that it's something that hasto be done in certain situations, but it never made me loathe it any less. over the weeks that followed sera's final chemotherapy appointment, our home was nothing short of a madhouse— cosima and i had spent incredibly long nights in bed, discussing every last inch of the decision we were making. when it all came down to it, it truly hinged on not if, but when sera would go into full remission. it was a slow process, but i was clinging to hope. cosima and i had made a promise, one that we both intended to keep and we had come to a point where we both knew we were reaching that finish line, it was just a matter of when it was going to happen.
the angel that she was, cosima had taken on the duty of filling out the majority of the paperwork when it came to filing to even be considered as suitable for the possibility of adopting a child. knowing that it was such a process, it tied my stomach in knots, just not in the good way. it was as though the idea had been put in my head, and i had put it into cosima's and i didn't want to wait, i didn't want to traverse the system. i wanted to speed through time, to jump to a point where everything came back around, when we got to be happy, got to be a family. every so often, cosima, who was slouched over her desk, one hand pressed to her forehead and the other fidgeting with her pen, would tut at me to get my attention from the leather chair a few feet away, indicating that there was a line i needed to adorn with my signature, or something specific i needed to read. there was a period of thirty to forty five seconds after each of these moments where i would find myself staring at her, at my fiancè, so buried in her focus that she did not even care that her glasses were perched on the very tip of her nose, dangerously close to sliding right off of her face, and i could hardly alter my perception of life to match it with that of reality.
it was not until nine days later that i would realize just how much of a dream she truly was.
the rain pounded the windows as the clouds seemed to grow darker overhead, and after a couple of hours of wrestling around with the apples of my eye, i had opted for a nap while i could hear cosima and sera watching movies in the front room downstairs. i had just begun to doze off, barely tethered to any conscious state of mind, but still tethered nonetheless, when the door of my bedroom was nearly blown off the hinges as it was thrown open. before i could even think about sitting up, i was suddenly buried beneath the weight of not only my daughter, but my fiancè as well. groggily, i opened my eyes and found cosima holding the phone out, dangerously close to my face, grinning so widely that i was almost frightened. "go on!" she urged and i obliged her, plucking the phone from her grasp.
"'ello?" i mumbled, still trying to bring myself into the moment.
"hi, ms. cormier, it's doctor haskins. how are you this evening?" immediately, my eyes flew open and i struggled to sit up, clearing my throat.
"g— well, i'm doing well. and you?"
"i'm doing wonderfully, thank you. i was just calling to tell you, as i informed ms. niehaus, that i just got seraphina's panel's back… and i could not wait to call you in to tell you." he didn't have to say it. i knew. i knew by the way cosima was still beaming, and the way sera was nestled into my side. my eyes welled up with tears, against my will, and i tried to blink them back and found myself mildly successful.
"remission." the word could hardly be considered even a whisper as it fell from my lips, and i could not contain the sob that escaped me as i heard his words of confirmation. i thanked him, repeatedly, and finally found the ability to hang up the phone, immediately pulling sera and cosima both into my arms, though i held my daughter a bit tighter. "mon beau petit papillon, vous allez être d'accord." my words were a choked cry into her hair, but i knew she understood them. in fact, she hugged me tighter, kissing all over the right side of my face. as my laughter settled and i turned to my left, my expression went impossibly soft as i took in the sight, the beauty that was cosima. "and you…" i started softly, lightly seizing her jaw in my palm as i pulled her to me, giving her a teary kiss. "not a minute of this would have been possible, or bearable, without you. thank you, thank you so much." she kissed me again and again, but before it could go even an inch further, sera was throwing her weight atop the both of us, giggling in such a way that was so unbelievably sweet. cosima and i, as if we were one, lunged toward her and began to tickle her relentlessly. she thrashed about and giggled so hard a few tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. her laughter only seemed to harmonize with mine, with cosima's, creating the most beautiful, melodic sound i had ever heard.
as we settled, the laughter dying down, cosima's demeanor seemed to shift almost instantaneously and she bore an alarmingly serious expression. "what's wrong?" i asked her, sitting up on my elbows. her face cracked into a smile and she slid on the bed, pulling her phone out of the waist of her shorts. her fingers set to work and i was still staring at her expectantly, waiting for an answer.
"we've got plans." her eyes wrinkled a the corners with her beaming grin. "so you," she said, nodding pointedly at me, "should get in the shower. and you," this time, her pointed nod was directed at sera, who perked up at the mention, "come with me. operation buzz lightyear has commenced." in spite of the fact that it seemed like nothing but gibberish to me, sera's eyes went wide and she was out of the bed in a heartbeat, taking off down the hallway. i eyed cosima inquisitively, but she did nothing but offer me a cheeky grin before she turned on her heel and strode out of the room. i heaved a sigh, immensely frustrated with how clueless i felt, but after a moment, i gathered myself up and did as cosima had instructed, pulling myself into the shower. i took my time, relished in the feel of the hot water as it trickled over my skin. although she hadn't outright said it, i had a feeling that cosima would be none too bothered with the amount of time i took. it was nearing forty five minutes as i finished drying my hair and made a move to step back into the bedroom to rummage around for something to wear, a towel tied loosely around my chest, but i was caught off guard as i pulled the door open. there, on the bed, sat seraphina in a lilac colored dress, a intricately made crown of flowers sitting atop her head. next to her, though, was a dress. no, it was the dress. it was the dress i had stopped for, admiring it from a warm san fran sidewalk on one of our many walks through the city.
"time to get dressed, maman," sera instructed me, flourishing her hand toward the dress. i smiled down at her, knowing better than to question what, exactly was going on and gave a nod, doing as she told me. i slid into the dress, adjusting it so that it hugged all of the right places and sera jumped to her feet, zipping up the back of it before i could even ask for her assistance. she stepped back and held her hands behind her back, looking up at me with this awestruck sparkle in her eyes. "maman…" she managed, covering her mouth with her hand. "you look… beautiful."
i knelt down before her and held my arms out, hugging her tightly as she ran into them, wrapping her own little arms around my neck. "now can you tell me why i look beautiful?" i attempted, but she pulled back and cocked an eyebrow at me, one that said i knew better than to ask. instead, she helped me to my feet and pulled out the shoes that i'd known a very long time ago, would compliment the dress in a fantasy world, a fantasy world that was ebbing into the likes of reality. instead of putting them on, i picked them up, hanging them from my fingers by the straps as sera took hold of my hand.
"are you ready?" she asked me, those big, soft green eyes smiling up at me. i did not ask again and instead, i gave her small hand a squeeze and nodded, falling into step behind her as she pulled me into the hallway and down the stairs. if i had been thrown by what had already been going on, it was nothing compared to the way my breath nearly flew right out of my lungs as i took in the sight of what used to be my living room. instead, the furniture had been pushed aside and there was a pathway through the center of the room, illuminated by too many tea candles to count. at the end of the opened path stood sarah, a warm smile tugging on her lips. it was next to her, though, that i saw the vision of my life, of my future. the dress that hung from her frame made her seem a vision of pure light and happiness; she was an angel. immediately, all of the pieces of the puzzle slid into place.
"i… what have you been up to?" i asked her, the smile audible in my voice.
cosima stepped forward and held out her hands for me to take, and i did so, stepping into her, fighting every last urge i had to kiss her, perhaps a bit prematurely. the way her shoulders looked so bare as a result of the strapless hem of her gown, it drew my eyes to it, especially with the way she sauntered forward, shrugging her shoulders. "oh, you know. saving the world, mowing the grass, planning an impromptu wedding months beforehand and throwing it all together at the last minute. you know, all in a day's work." my eyes were clouded with tears and my urge to kiss her was even stronger than it had previously been. "sarah here was ordained a month and a half ago for this very purpose," she informed me proudly, giving my hands a gentle squeeze. she really had thought of everything, hadn't she? she tugged me up toward sarah and as i turned, i saw sera and kira to the side, grinning up at us. very obviously, everyone had been in on this except for me. it reminded me of the night that she had asked me about the bands, about how nothing cosima niehaus had ever done was ever traditional.
her hands still clung to mine as i watched her like a hawk, the way she drew in a deep breath, preparing to start what could be deemed as her vows. "delphine," she started, her smile causing her cheeks to bunch up in the way that shifted her glasses ever so slightly, "i would love to say that i have dreamed about this moment for so many weeks past, but that would entail actually having been able to sleep. i have, however, pictured it time and time again, thinking about how it could possibly feel…" she paused, breathing a nervous chuckle. "i don't need an audience to be nervous; never have. in fact, the only thing that has ever really made me nervous… well, is you. you're the reason i fall asleep at night and the reason i wake up in the morning. you're the reason my heart jumps in my chest, the reason my palms sweat and my thoughts intertwine. you are my rhyme and my reason, my night and my day. with this vow, i promise to love you through our ups and our downs, through our brights and our darks. i promise to hold your hand when you're too afraid to kill a spider, and to let you fall asleep with your head in my lap. i promise to put you, and our family, first for as long as i live." by the time she finished speaking, i was so overcome with emotion that i could hardly get my head around it.
there was a pause in the air and i hesitated, suddenly reaching the conclusion that it was my turn. i was racking my brain, knowing i was going to have to do this on the fly; wasn't that how things always were with cosima? "every time i lost faith, at any point in my life, my mother would always assure me that i'd simply toed off of the path i was meant to be on. all my life, i believed that no matter how disparaging, no matter how horrible, everything happened for a reason. even when i thought my world was going to fall apart, a brighter light was just around the corner. you were that brighter light. you learned to love, not only me, but my pride and my joy, and you have completed our family, no matter how many more additions the future has to bring. on this day, you become the new home we have needed, the heart and the love we require to survive. la combustion de notre amour est suffisant pour chauffer les paumes du monde et le cœur de l'univers. it means, 'the burning of our love is enough to heat the palms of the world and the heart of the universe.' i vow to love you until my dying day, cosima niehaus, and infinitely throughout the rest of time." i managed to look down at her, knowing what i would find; her cheeks were streaked with tears despite the fact that she was smiling like a small child on christmas. as we both turned to look at sarah, she spoke before we could move.
"with the power vested in me, i now pronounce you wife and wife." she paused, a toothy grin canvasing her features. "now g'on! kiss!" the girls cheered somewhere behind us, but cosima grabbed hold of my face and pulled me toward her, kissing me as forcefully and passionately as she could manage, melting me on the spot.
after a few moments, she pulled back and looked up at me, her eyes brightly shining in the flickering light of the candles. "i love you, delphine niehaus," she murmured at me, stealing another chaste kiss. i was smiling so hard at hearing those words roll so beautifully off of her tongue that i couldn't even fathom trying to put my feelings into words. i loved her too, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. all of her motives had always been so clear, but in that moment, they were crystal. we had been waiting on the word, knowing it was coming, that sera was healthy. we had promised that we would wait, that we wouldn't tie that knot until we were certain, but we were also going to have better luck when it came to working with the adoption agencies with a valid marriage license. she knew all of this, took all of it into very careful consideration, and it was one of the many, various reasons that i was so very in love with her.
cosima had pieced together my life far better than i ever could have managed, and i thoroughly believed that she was meant to be in my life, that she was meant to save me. and no, she was my wife. my wife. we were married. most of all, though, we were happy.
—
"hey, hey. look at me." i instantly snapped out of the trance i had fallen into and followed the sound of cosima's voice, making eye contact with her, feeling immediately grounded and leveled. her fingertips brushed along the line of my cheekbone and i turned into her touch, closing my eyes as i drew in a long, slow breath. "you're nearly shaking," she informed me, laughing softly, her palm laying snugly against the curve of my cheek. "are you really that nervous?"
slowly, my eyes opened again and i looked down at her, giving the slightest of nods. it had been close to a month and a half since we'd last heard anything about the whole adoption process, and we had both been equally excited and nervous. we'd gotten the call that morning that a few of the foster homes around the city were having open houses and that we had nothing but green lights ahead. so we'd printed out the list, picked sera up from her best friend's, where she had stayed the night before, and headed out. the only thing between me and the very first home we went to was cosima, and i could feel the warmth emanating off of her in waves. "i've never done this before. i mean…it's just…" i paused, glancing up at the house before looking back down at her, my mouth a bit dry. "like you said… it's going to be hard knowing that there's a choice, that you have to pick." in a manner that i had used on her plenty of times before, she held my face in her palms, pushing my cheeks together just slightly. she leaned into me, pressing her lips just barely to the corner of mine. she didn't have to say anything; the expression on her face, the gleam in her eyes, they spoke loud enough for her. to my left, seraphina picked up my hand and i smiled, giving hers a squeeze. my eyes locked with cosima's and i took another quick kiss. "thank you," i told her softly, honestly. she waved me off with a grin and picked up my free hand, tugging on it as the three of us made our way up the walk.
i had been called things like 'poised' and 'well-spoken,' my entire life, but as a mother, when you walk into a place filled with children who deserve so much more, it's overwhelming beyond any form of measure. i had a natural instinct to pick all of them up into my arms and find a place for them in our home, but i knew that i was living in a dream world. i still could not find words to express what i felt in those moments, the pain that hit me at knowing there were people in the world who couldn't find it in their hearts to love these amazing little children. we spoke with the foster parents for a few moments as sera ventured in to play with a few of the older kids, but as i continued to ask questions, i had not noticed that cosima had wandered away from me. when i finally clued into the fact that she was no longer by my side, i raised my head to look around for her, but she did not take long to find.
in the corner of the next room, there she sat, directly next to a small toddler who was in a blue jumper and had a wild mop of dark brown hair atop his little head. he clutched a large plastic letter and swung it around excitedly as he looked up at the woman next to him, a bit startled by her presence. i had been so focused on the scene splayed before me that i was hardly paying attention to the social worker speaking behind me. she touched my shoulder and i turned to face her, blinking away my surprise. "i… i'm sorry, what was that?" i responded sweetly, attempting to maintain my composure.
"that little boy," she clarified by glancing over at cosima, "he's got an array of developmental disabilities. he's got no communication skills and doesn't engage with any of the other children at all."
"what's his name?" cosima piped up, her brow raising over the frame of her glasses in curiosity.
"nikolai," the woman responded curtly, anxious to continue on with her warnings that the little boy was more than we could handle. i tuned her out, though. instead, i met the gaze of my wife from across the room and judging by the smile she wore, i was practically reading her mind. tesla, i mused inwardly, breathing a soft laugh. as i watched cosima, she pulled the little boy, who couldn't have been much older than a year, into her lap and pulled a small toy in front of them. from what i could see from across the room, it was a small barn with holes in the roof where the plastic letters, much like the one nikolai had been waving around, would fit through, according to color. she gathered the other three letters and set them atop the toddler's legs. silently, she pointed to one of the letter-shaped holes, the third one over; c. niko followed the path of her finger and reached out to touch it, just as she did. after a moment, he sat back and looked at the toys in his lap, his tiny hands hovering over them as if he was deep in thought. he reached down and picked up one of them, though i couldn't see which, and raised it up to the roof, pressing down. it slid through and immediately, it was clear that he had picked the correct one. cosima was grinning from ear to ear as she pointed toward another, indicating for him to repeat the process.
"it would take a great deal of medical testing and—" she was still talking, but i didn't care. however, cosima had heard enough.
"he doesn't have 'developmental disabilities,'" she declared, meeting eyes evenly with the social worker.
"and you know this how?"
cosima's jaw set in a way i had never seen before, and i could tell she was biting back venomous words. instead, she plastered on a smile and looked back down at the baby in her lap, who was fascinated with the pig figurine in his hands. gingerly, she pulled it away and angled him on her knee, pressing a finger into his chest. she held up a hand and tucked in her thumb, folding the first to fingers over it. the baby stared at her hand and reached up to touch it, to size up his own hand against the mass of hers. after a moment, though, he was staring at his palm and suddenly, mirroring her gesture. she glanced up at me and grinned before returning her gaze back to him, closing her hand into a fist before popping up her pinky. it took a little longer, but again, nikolai matched her. her fingers shifted to hold up the first two, placing her thumb wedged between them. it seemed as though he was on his way to copy her again, but instead, he lost interest and reached up for her glasses, pulling them off in one quick swipe, causing her to laugh. after wrestling them away from him, she slid them back onto her face, which sported a cocky, self-satisfied smirk. "he's how old?" she posed, to which the foster father answered, informing her that he was fifteen months. "okay, so fifteen months and he already understands imitation and has just learned the first two letters of his own name." she was grinning, so pleased to be the most intelligent person in the room. "there's nothing wrong with him. he's deaf." the social worker sputtered a bit, gobsmacked that she had been showed up so effortlessly.
"but can you two really take on that kind of responsibility?" since the first meeting we'd had with this particular social worker, cosima had been courteous enough with her, but instantly assessed by the gold cross that hung around her neck and her stand-offish behavior that she was in the wrong business in the wrong city. she was uncomfortable by the premise of our relationship, and that was her right, but it was getting in the way of her ability to do her job. cosima pulled nikolai into her arms and got to her feet, making her way over to where we were all standing, a fire blazing in her eyes.
"didn't you hear me?" she asked evenly, her jaw bulging just barely. "i told you, there's nothing wrong with him. just because he can't hear, it doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve a place to call home, a group of people to call family. how dare you try to discourage anyone from opening their heart to loving a child, especially one that requires a little extra love and attention. did you know that it's easier to teach children under the age of three american sign language than it is to teach them english?" i moved to stand beside her, glancing down at the smiling face of the little boy in her arms and for the first time, noticed just how opaquely blue and beautiful his eyes were. "you should be ashamed of yourself," she informed her, though she never raised her voice. "we'll be calling for another social worker who is a little more able to 'handle' our familial situation, and then we'll immediately get to filing the paperwork to give a child, this child, a home where he will be appreciated, understood, and loved." if i would not have known any better, i could have sworn that the social worker was nearly quaking in her boots. i think it was because she was terrified that the next words out of cosima's mouth were going to be 'and i'll be sure to report you,' but i knew that would never happen; even cosima wasn't that spiteful.
the moment she put him in my arms, i knew i was in love. despite the fact that he was silent, nikolai never seemed to stop smiling. he was so fascinated by all of the attention, by the presence of people who were actually paying attention to him. he was so genuinely happy and adorable that my heart melted just looking at him. it was when i saw him with seraphina, though, that i knew that even though it seemed like such a rushed decision, we could not have possibly made a better one.
that night, as the two of us tucked her into bad, sera was riddled with questions about niko and whether or not she would get to see him again. i think she knew, she understood. i ran my fingers through her soft blonde curls and smiled down at her, leaning over to place a light kiss on her forehead. "go to sleep, papillon. maybe we can go see him again tomorrow."
—-
"delphine! your mother's on the phone!" cosima's voice carried up the stars and down the hall, grabbing my attention from where i was in the bedroom, checking the inventory of gifts we had compiled through the course of the year.
"coming!" i hopped down the stairs and swung around where she stood in the kitchen, plucking the phone from her hand before i pressed it to my ear. "bonjour, merè!" i greeted her, picking up a grape from the bowl sitting on the counter just behind cosima.
"joyeux noël, delphine!" i smiled and returned her well wishings, leaning with my back against the counter. "i was calling because i got your package and your card." i hummed inquisitively and she continued. "i have to say, sera makes a proper reindeer. though, i'm not sure anything is cuter than niko in that elf hat." my eyes traveled up the front of the refrigerator to see a copy of the exact picture she spoke of, the one we put in all of the christmas cards we'd sent out. in it, i was lying on my stomach, my chin resting on my hands, and to my left, cosima leaned against my side, holding onto niko's hand as he stood on my back, seraphina's hands on either side of him, holding him upright and still. it was, quite frankly, chaos in a photo, but at the same time, it summed us up perfectly.
after a few moments of chatting with my mother, i bid her adieu and sent with her the love and well wishes of cosima and seraphina. after i hung up the phone, i turned my attention to the living room, where cosima sat cross-legged on the couch, niko in the crook of her legs, sera perched on the couch to her side. i stopped mid-way into the room to admire the view, which drew a curious glance from cosima. "what are you doing?" she posed gently, to which i simply smiled.
"admiring a masterpiece."