Chapter Five: Of Orcs and Elves and Rivendell

I can't really explain anything I did, that day, only that from the time I awakened, I had the most Tookish sort of feeling come over me.

I left our encampment, alone, something I had increasingly been doing, to go and forage.

I found some potaoes, some green onions, some mushrooms, some of the herbs to make Grandmother Took's tea, and, luckily, the ones I needed to make my mother's rheumatism ointment.

I think Kili and Fili and Ori and I were the only members of the company who didn't suffer from rheumatism.

It was a lovely morning, the weather had evened out, finally, and rather than being spring sometimes and summer, others, and winter at night, it decided to be summer.

I took my plunder back to camp, left the food with Bombur, our cook, and then I decided to do some washing.

As if all this domesticity would wipe away that queer Tookish feeling.

But, even so, as I stood up to my knees in the stream, washing my short drawers and my woolies, I thought how, usually, with the advent of June, normally I'd be preparing to go to Bree, for the Breeland Summer Fair.

It struck me, then, how it all had become so normal to me.

The sound of men's voices, and the smell of leather and sweat, and the outdoor smells of the dirt and the air, heavy with pollen and the smell of blooming flowers.

The campfire, and the singing in Khuzdul, and the sounds of the night that had frightened me a few months ago now lulled me to sleep.

I wasn't scared, anymore, by going off in the woods, either.

Why I could lie naked in the grass and look at the moon as if I never had a bedroom with a door on it, at all.

And there I was, miles from pocket handkerchiefs and second breakfast, standing up to my knees in running water, washing my clothes and Fili's and Kili's in a river and whistling.

And often you'd find me sitting on a rock drinking Grandmother Took's tea brewed over an open fire, as if no such things as beds or roofs or washrooms ever existed.

Why, just this morning I not only sat on a rock and drank my tea, but I sat on the same rock and used some of the herbs I'd found and the paste of a mashed-up aloe plant to make her rheumatism salve for Thorin, and all I thought as I had used a twig to scrape it from the rock into a jar was about what a nice, warm day it was turning out to be.

Of course, I still missed home, especially when I thought of the bench in my garden and my cosy warm bed and my work in Michael Delving, as an archivist and historian, and the library and all the books, but they seemed so far away, at that moment.

I thought on how I used to wonder how Fili and Kili could spend three months on the tramp, or how Thorin could have spent years at a time that way.

I supposed the answer is that you just get used to it, little by little, until it seems normal.

But, at least when I thought of home, I had a place to think of.

Well, so did Thorin, but he never considered New Belegost to be his home, not really.

Then, I started thinking on how it must have been for him, when he was my age.

A long road ahead, of camping and wandering and uncertainty, with nothing behind but death, ashes and smoke.

I began to understand the forces that drove Thorin, and how they might have driven him, in a fit of suspicion and greed, and maybe just out of the callouness his hard life had inspired in him, to do what he did.

He did not stop Kili from coming to my rescue, at the Prancing Pony.

But he did not come, himself, in person.

Maybe, if I knew why, then I might have reason to forgive him.

I thought of Thorin, and his home, then, his Lonely Mountain, but the only home I could picture was mine.

The home that, as Kili pointed out, was good enough for him, but that would never be good enough for Thorin Oakenshield.

Home.

Bag End seemed so far away as if it never existed, and thinking on how fussy I had been before I left made me laugh at myself.

I understood why my fellow travelers had found me so amusing.

Amazing what a little adventure will do for your constitution.

But my thoughts were broken up when I heard a splash in the water, behind me, for there I was, naked.

Still, I dropped what I was washing, and pulled Thorin's dagger from the sheath on my thigh.

"It's only me, lass, and me washing. You can put that little mithril man-killer away."

Well, it was only Dwalin, at that, in his loincloth, come to wash his clothes in the river.

I was a bit uncomfortable, alone, with a man not one of my potential future husbands, me naked and him nearly so, but if Dwalin was going to act as though it was nothing, so would I.

You know, on any other morning of my life I would have held something up to my nakedness and scaremed bloody murder.

But, still in that Tookish state-of-mind, I just picked up my washing and acted like nothing was wrong.

"You could do that anywhere along the bank."

"Sure I could. But I noticed you there, up to your knees in the water, without a stitch on, and this great mound of washin'! You looked like you could use a bit of help. Here. Take my cloak. I was going to wash it, anyway, I don't care if it gets wet."

I put on his cloak, pushed some of the dirty clothes towards Dwalin, and worked as I waited for him to get to his point.

"Well, I only wanted to make sure you knew as if my hat was still in the ring. I've read that contract my brother drew up. It's all nice and legal. But it don't account for what happens if you get tired of putting up with the boys. Or if you get all red hot mad at Thorin. Well, there would be quite a scandal, like the one with the Elf. But I'm kin to all of them, Bella, lass. And I wouldn't say a word. Not to mention, a king and his heirs, well, how often would they get back to your Shire? And what would you do, home, alone, all winter long? Now, me, I'm an old soldier who doesn't especially live anywhere. I'd be glad of that offer you made. To share your home. Take care of the man's work. See to you, too, my fine lassie. And even if Thorin and the lads were to find out, well, there wouldn't be much trouble. Not over old Dwalin. Why I might as well be Thorin's brother."

I was rather hoping the fearsome old warrior wouldn't have noticed as how I had been curious about him, you know, as a man, pretty much from the moment he showed up on my doorstep.

But he had noticed, alright.

"And you expect I might want to try before I buy, is that it?"

"It only makes sense. And I wouldn't tell a soul. Would I?"

I wished that Dwalin would not have looked so strong and manly, in his loincloth.

Or that I had never seen his tattooed hammer.

Damn trolls!

He was moving closer to me, and I dropped my washing, again.

"Don't stand so close to me!" I told him.

"Why? Do you think you might be about to do something you might regret, later? Well, lassie, not with me you won't!"

Damn Tookish feeling!

On any other morning, I might have just bent down to get my washing, again, and told Dwalin that he'd have to give me a little time to consider you're his offer.

But this morning, I think I might have got myself into some of the Trickster's own mischief, had Thorin not had his eye on me.

"Bella is right, Dwalin. You could do your washing anywhere along the bank."

Thorin came striding in great splashes through the water, down from the bank, without anything on but his tattoos, his hair clips and a majestic frown, with his washing under his arm.

Sometimes it's a good thing, him watching me like a hawk.

He handed Dwalin back his cloak, took his tunic, and put it over my head.

I stuck my arms through it, and the hem fell past my knees, into the water.

And Thorin almost knocked me off my feet, when he put his arm around me and pulled me to his chest, as if I was his pet cat who was clawing up the furniture.

"Mahal's hammer, is there no man among my kin who doesn't think he's entitled to a go at my woman!" he insisted.

"Now listen, Thorin. I've got a better idea than my brother has. Although his will do, until we regain our homeland. Now, you and I, we might as well be brothers. And we I both know the lads will be well over a hundred before they are man enough to marry! And what life will the Hobbit have left to her then? You and I are cousins, Thorin, closely related enough that we both might marry the girl. Would you not sit easier on Thror's throne knowing that it was I who protected your wife and her home far away in the Shire? A man must earn his right to be a husband, and walk in the front door, while it is the lot of boys to have to creep up a hidden stair when they can." Dwalin explained.

Thorin looked thoughtful.

"You may have a good point, Dwalin. I have been thinking on that. But that's a matter of business, to be settled at the ends of our Quest! What have you to say about trying to give Bella the business?"

"How can Bella decide who she wants to marry, other than you, Thorin, if she does not know what kind of a husband he will make?" Dwalin protested.

Thorin wanted to continue to be angry, but his frown was trying to twitch into a smile.

"Be off with you, Dwalin, and have the decency to wait until the girl is angry at me, again! Go and find where those lazy nephews of mine are sleeping the day away, and give them both a good kick up the arse, in my stead!" He replied.

Dwalin splashed away, laughing, having made his point, and Thorin picked up my washing.

"I tried to tell Gandalf that it would not take much of this lot more than two months away from any women of any kind before they were all trying to climb up on your back, and I was right! Why didn't you scream for help?"

"I didn't expect Dwalin to force himself on me, did I? So, why scream? And I can't say I wasn't thinking along the same lines as he was. Marriage is a serious proposition, Thorin, especially when you own property. It's got very little to do with love. It's mostly about sex, money, work, and hwo you get on with the other person. The truth is, I need a husband who won't work, can't work, or isn't around like I need a hole drilled through the middle of my forehead. Dwalin has a good point."

Now Thorin smiled.

"Maybe so, lassie. But still you are curious enough about Dwalin and his tattooed warhammer to cast a quick roll in the reeds as a business negotiation! Which tells me only one thing."

"That I really am a terrible whore?"

"No, of course not! And if any man was to say you were, I'd put his fat head under my arm and twist his fookin' haed off, like it was the top of a jar! What it tells me is that that Kili talks too much and acts too little, and that Fili talks too much and acts too quickly. So you had better be quick about forgiving me, just a little more, Bella. Before you get yourself into trouble! You are in a queer mood this morning, girl, not to scream for help. You had better go back to sleep, and let me do this washing."

Thorin, shooed me away, and I took a nap on the bank, lying on his furs.

And Dwalin was willing to wash his own clothes too.

And he'd be a handy fellow to have around the house.

And there was no mistaking him or Thorin for boys, was there?

I don't know if they had hatched it out between them, to throw Fili and Kili to the wargs, but it certainly gave me something to think about, on this odd morning.

The day was like any other, with us walking and walking and walking, until we were interrupted by Gandalf's fellow wizard, Mr. Radagast.

He didn't seem much like a wizard, more like a nice but dotty old man who had lived alone too long in the wood.

But none of us thought much of it, because it gave us a chance to rest, and eat lunch.

I'm only mentioning the rather mundane details of the morning to try and explain a thing I did which I have no good or handy explanation for.

It might have been due to that queer Tookish mood I was in.

For one, it might have been the suddenness of the thing.

I never thought of battle as a thing which might happen so abruptly.

I had always assumed it came as part of war, when you were a soldier, and all.

I never thought it could happen, you know, to just anyone, out of nowhere, and for no reason.

But, it did.

There I was, sitting with Bofur and Bifur and Bombur, enjoying the excellent chips Bombur had made for our quick lunch, watching Gandalf and Mr. Radagast as they conferred.

"Bofur, do you think that's bird shit in Mr. Radagast's hair?" I asked.

"It certainly looks like it, don't it, Bella? Almost puts you off your feed."

"Almost."

We were still laughing at that, and then, all the sudden, Thorin shouted something that I couldn't quite hear, and I saw Kili stand up and fire an arrow, and then Thorin was swinging his sword.

I heard and awful sound and smelled an awful smell.

Then, everybody was running.

Bofur grabbed me by the hand, but I couldn't keep up, so he picked me up and carried me.

I hung on for dear life, too.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Orcs. And wargs. We're under attack!"

Orcs.

And wargs.

They were horrible!

So much nastier and filthier and scarier and uglier and stinkier than anything I could have imagined them to be.

If I hadn't been so completely terrified, I think I would have thrown up.

Bofur put me down and I saw that we were all hiding behind some rocks.

Bombur and Bifur and Bofur stood in front of me, to keep me safe.

"You stay there, Bella. And hold onto me, again, if we have to run."

I looked around the side of the rock, and I could see the tops of Thorin's and Fili's heads, behind another cluster of rocks.

He was probably strategizing.

"What do we do now?" I whispered to Bofur.

"You should hide yourself better!"

"The Hel I will! You've got a hammer, I've got an axe, and by Eru Illuvatar, the Father of All, who made even great Odin, what is that awful smell?"

"Orcs." He told me.

I saw a warg jump up on some of the rocks, and an arrow flew at it and killed it before it's rider could blow a warning on his horn.

That was Kili.

Kili was a huntsman, yes, he killed animals for meat and for pelts, but this was different.

This was killing for killing, and Kili may have been a reckless lad, eager to prove himself, but he was a good, gentle man, he was no killer.

But now he was.

I saw swords and axes jumping rising over the next clump of rocks, and smelled blood.

I felt dizzy, and sick in my stomach.

Then I saw the orcs coming straight for us.

I thought about Bifur, with an axe through his head and Bombur who couldn't move very fast and Bofur, with just a hammer and even though they were all probably four times the warrior I am, all I could think of was how badly those orcs stank, and how I had a mithril war axe made by Thorin Oakenshield and a sword Elves made to kill orcs.

Naturally, they were all three twice the warrior I am, but that is not what I was thinking.

Suddenly I thought on all those hours I spent, with my Tookish cousins, sparring.

All those hours practicing alone, in my garden with my axe and my sword, thinking about Great-Uncle Bullroarer after my father died so I wouldn't have to think about how sad I was and how unfair it was that my father was gone.

He had died very young, and very unexpectedly, my father did.

I was only 25.

I thought about Thorin and the Dwarves coming to the Shire's aid, when Goblins attacked us, and how he and my great grand-uncle fought side by side.

And the orcs, they smelled even worse than they looked, and the wargs they rode smelled worse than they did.

Like rotten meat and stinky sour milk, and feet and old cheese and rotten eggs and decay and death.

Smelling that stink robbed me of my appetite; indeed, it made me feel as though I would never be hungry again.

I thought all of these things, tiny, complicated, discrete thoughts in the short time it took before the orcs found Bofur and Bifur and I.

"Bella! Thorin! Bella is back there!" Fili screamed.

An orc was charging us.

"Kili! Shoot! Bring it down! Bring it down!" Thorin ordered.

"Ready lads?" Bofur asked

But I had already pulled out my axe, leapt up onto the top of the rocks and with a great Tookish yell, like a warrior in an old legend I had launched myself at my enemy.

The thing you have to understand, though, is that when some get scared, they cry, and some scream, and some get angry.

Well, when I get scared, I get angry, and the more scared I am, the angrier I become.

And I was terrified, for myself, and for the Company.

It was horrifying and exhilarating, all at once, and at the same time I had decided that I was crazy, I also felt as though I was doing the right thing.

The only thing I could do.

That is Battle for you.

I am handy with an axe, and a sword, you know, in a sporting sense, so it seemed natural to me to have one in either hand, facing peril.

I stuck my sword through the creature, as it passed me, right through its ugly, mottled throat, I will never forget the smell of it, so close upon me, or the stink of it's foul, black blood.

That nauseating, soul-sapping stench of despair, and death.

It was just like sparring with tipped weapons or wooden swords, really, except that orcs were not as good of fighters as my Tookish cousins, not even my girl cousins, except of course that the weapons were edged sharp, not tipped, and my successes were measured not in points, but in death.

Before I could fathom that the orc lying dead on the ground was so at my hands, his wrg riding wildly into Kili's arrows, I saw another, riding on his warg, towards us.

That must have been the one Thorin was shouting to Kili, about.

I stopped, took a moment to take aim, the way I do at the Breeland Fairs, and then I threw my axe, with yet another great Tookish yell, and all the strength in my body.

Thorin's marvelous war axe sang through the air, and a merrier tune I never heard her whistle, for I swear she knew that it was the flesh and bone of an enemy that was her target, and not a target of wood, cork, or straw.

I had been aiming to strike both the warg and its rider, putting my axe through the top of the beast's head and into the orc's belly, but my axe, she had plans of her own, splitting the beast's head like a hot knife through butter and coming to rest, up to her hilt, in the orc's chest.

I was still standing on the rock, and after the orc fell, I saw Kili standing there, with a shocked look onhis face, still sighting his bow to kill the orc I had just killed.

"It's alright! I got the smelly bastard! I got them both!" I shouted.

Waving my sword over my head like a madwoman.

With no other perils in immediate sight, I slid off of the rock I had been standing on.

Bifur said something to me in old Khuzdul, and slammed me on the back.

Well, I couldn't believe it, either.

"Did you lot see that? Me and that axe of Thorin's, we make quite a pair! She's like an extension of me own body, he's a hell of a smith! She's got a mind of her own, that axe! I make a plan for her and tell her where do go and she always seems to do me one better! And this sword! What a blade! I will have to give him a name, too, if the Elves did not!"

Bombur was staring at me like I had grown and extra head , but Bofur cheerfully produced another dirty piece of rag from one of his pockets, which he gave me to clean my weapons.

"What is your axe's name?" he asked.

"Athanu-ai-Baruk. She's a Dwarven axe, so I gave her a Dwarven name. Don't tell Thorin, or the lads, but as a scholar, a professional scholar, mind you, I not only speak, read and write Sindarin and Quenya, but also Khuzdul. They think I don't. All the better for me."

I winked, and Bofur laughed.

"By Aule's bright flaming forge, those bastard things stink worse on the inside, but they'll stink this world up no more!" I finished.

Then Gandalf yelled that we should run.

I went off like a shot, not wanting the humiliation of having to be carried.

Then I realised I didn't have my axe, and I stopped, to put my foot on what was left of the dead warg to get leverage to pull my axe out of the dead orc.

Fili came around and grabbed me, and the axe came out, and he was running very fast.

"Stay up on my back, and hold on, as tight as you can!"

I didn't fancy being carried like a pack, but I wasn't about to be choosy as to how I escaped with my life.

I saw how Kili wasn't running; he looked both calm and angry as he stood his ground and kept firing deadly and accurate arrows into the bodies of our pursuers.

"Kili! Go! Now!" Thorin shouted, and Fili grabbed him by the arm and pulled him towards a hole in the ground that we all tumbled into, arse over teakettle.

Thorin held them off, dispatching a few more before he slid down into the cave.

Pretty soon we were all in a cave, looking out at our pursuers, and then there were just as suddenly all these other archers about, killing the orcs.

Dwarves being Dwarves they decided to follow the cave, downwards.

I sat on the ground, in a daze, and then, I started to feel sick.

I heaved myself up over a rock and wagered everything in my stomach from the past week.

I felt dizzy and awful, and Bofur helped me get to my feet.

"Thorin! Our burglar is sick!"

"Look after her for me, Bofur. I must stay out front. Fili, you stay with me. Kili, go help Bofur with Bella."

"Mahal's hammer, she's covered in orc blood! Take your jacket off, Bella. Your shirt, too, and your waistcoat."

Bofur reached his hand behind the rock, and handed Kili a rag with water from his canteen on it.

Kili dumped some water from his stores on my hair, and then he cleaned me up with the cold, wet rag.

"Bofur, hand me over that extra tunic from my pack. Here, Bella, put this on. And put your belt on around the waist."

Kili's tunic came down almost as far as my kilt did, it was like I was wearing a short dress.

"You know, I just killed two orcs and a warg! Did you see me do that? Why do they stink so much?"

"Smaug stinks worse." Bofur informed me.

"What if I throw Bella's woolies over?"

"Good idea. Put your woolies on, Bella. That way, even if your drawers show a little, your legs won't."

Kili looked through his pack for a sack to shove my dirty clothes into, and he shared his water with me, so I could have a drink.

We came out from behind the rock, and started moving.

"Did everyone see me do that? I was in a battle! Just like my great grand-uncle! Did you see me, Thorin? I killed a few of those smelly, hideous things!"

Thorin seemed preoccupied.

"Yes, girl. Don't trouble me, now, I'm thinking! Did you see to her, Kili? Did you save our burglar from those bastard orcs coming at her, like I told you?"

"Fili carried Bella to safety. But she killed the orc and its warg before I could even sight my arrow. She threw her axe from the far rock where she and Bofur and Bifur were hiding, and killed both of them dead." Kili replied, wonderingly.

That snapped Thorin out of it.

"Bollocks! Bella, why are you wearing your woolies and one of Kili's tunics?"

Kili opened the sack.

"Her clothes are soaked with orc gore. Look."

"Close the sack, Kili! How did you get yourself covered in blood, girl!"

"It stinks something awful. The smell made me sick. I can't hardly stand up, I feel so dizzy! I hope there's water, where we're going. I'll have to wash my clothes in a hurry, before they're ruined!"

"Bofur, did the girl really kill two orcs and a warg? Did she throw that axe of hers, from so far away?" Thorin asked.

"She did. You should have seen her, Thorin! She saw them comin' and something Tookish just came over our Miss Baggins, here! She pulled out that axe and that sword, you know, crossways and jumped upon top of them rocks, screamin' like a banshee! The one orc come, and Bella she swung out with the Elf-sword all blue and glowing and sliced its head off. Clean off! And we see this one coming, ridin' down on us, and cool as you like do Bella take aim, and she gives a great shout and you should have seen, Thorin, as you made the axe, by Mahal, the way she flew through the air, singin' so prettily! Went right through the warg and into the orc and he were dead before he hit the ground! Then Bella goes and slides off the rock, an' tells me what a fine axe you made. Athanu-ai-baruk, Bella calls her."

Bofur acted the whole thing out, as he spoke.

If I looked like that, well I wish I could have seen it.

"Queen of the Axes. I'll take your pack, Bella, don't worry. Bofur, you had better take her other hand." Gandalf suugested.

Thorin looked at me wonderingly, shaking his head.

"What possessed you, Bella? Was it fear?" he asked me.

"Bofur was right, I think. Bella just came over all Tookish." Gandalf chuckled.

"Maybe what Gandalf said. But it wasn't fear. I was too terrified for me life to be afraid. I just thought of Great-Uncle Bullroarer, and how Dwarves and Tooks once fought side by side. You and him, actually. And I thought on how I had a fine sword made for killin' orcs, and a fine mithril war axe made by the master of all Dwarrow blacksmiths, an' how I spent all that time in me life, playin' at fightin' you know, for the Took in me, and how Bifur has got an axe in his head, and Bombur is such a big fella, couldn't run too fast if he had to, and that Bofur only has a miner's mattock. It seemed to me as though Dwarrows needed a Took's help, as the Tooks had once needed yours. So I did what I thought was best." I replied.

"And you didn't think you needed a burglar, Thorin!" Gandalf interjected.

Thorin looked down his nose at me, in the most kingly possible fashion.

And, for one brief shining moment, he saw me as someone more than just a girl.

"You never cease to surprise me, woman! So, you have given your axe a name in Khuzdul. You ought to have a name in Khuzdul, too. And only in your thirties, a woman, and a Hobbit at that, and have given that axe its first taste of orc blood, in battle! You are a queer girl, even for a Took, Bellladonna Baggins. But a brave lass, for it. Now I have made up my mind to marry you, even I have to pass an exception to our laws to do it!" he exclaimed.

"What about 'Orguldis', Thorin?" I asked.

"But that's only the feminine form of burglar!"

"To remind you that you needed one after all."

"You are needed to be more than my burglar, girl. Mind you, I don't want you doing anything so foolhardy as that, again!" Thorin said.

I even got a smirk out of him.

Which is something, considering he'd done pretty much nothing but scowl since we left the Shire.

Then, Thorin turned his attention back to the cave we were in, and the passage at the back of it.

"How do you feel?" Gandalf asked me.

"A bit exhilarated. A bit frightened. A bit like I need to be sick."

"The last two will go away soon enough, lassie." Dwalin assured me.

Privately, I hoped I would not get so used to killing things, even orcs and wargs, that it would no longer bother me.

No matter how evil and disgusting they were, or how bad they smelled.

I followed after the Dwarrows.

I was still thinking on how I had so abruptly transformed from a home-loving Baggins on a quest with one or more future-husbands, doing the washing, and some of the cooking and foraging, the mending and minding the…braiding, to a brave and deadly Tookish warrior queen, when we all came out of the cave and saw this astoundingly beautiful place.

"Thor's holy breeches, look at this place, Gandalf! I'm glad I brought one of me nice frocks!"

"A very good idea, Bella Baggins. Now I must go give some good ideas to Thorin, for I think he is getting some bad ones in his thick head." Gandalf told me.

He went to go talk to Thorin, who was giving out some orders to Fili

And I just stood there in a daze, halfway between horror and beauty.

Kili must have thought I was going to pass out, because he scooped me up.

"Did you bring a party frock, Bella? I bet you'll be very pretty in it." Bofur asked me.

"Gandalf! You tricked me! You knew we would end up, here! And it's none of your affair, Bofur, how Bella might look in her frock!" Thorin was shouting.

But Thorin was always shouting about something.

He wasn't going to spoil my first look at Rivendell for me.

I suppose I ought to confess to you that I've always been a little in awe of the Elves.

Being a Took, and a Fallohide Hobbit, my mother was acquainted with a few Elves, something my father frowned upon.

He reconciled himself to it, in the end, although he would not permit such people in his house.

My grandfather, The Old Took, as he's been called, liked to tell me stories that were told to him by his uncle, the famous Bullroarer Took, about Dwarves and war and orcs, but my favorite stories were always about the Elves, and Lord Elrond, that the Valley of the Elves, Rivendell.

More than half of the reason I was going to marry Coruadan was because he said that we would spend the summer and spring in the Shire and just as Fall began, we would travel to Rivendell.

He was very good at appearing to be everything my grandfather had told me that Elves were.

Wise, kind, gentle, and beautiful.

Of course, I knew better than to judge a whole race of beings by the ill manners and foul deeds of one man.

Unlike Thorin.

But even the thoughts of having some kind of revenge or judgment or satisfaction against my dishonorable suitor disappeared when I saw the beauty of Rivendell.

"I must be dreaming! I must be! Look at this place! By all the Gods, look at it."

"I've never seen it's like, and that's the truth! These particular Elves, they couldn't be such bad folk, if this is their handiwork. Perhaps it were just the one, that Elvenking." Bofur suggested.

"The Elves have certainly written some beautiful poems, too. And Uncle's hatred is all for Elf men. He never passes up a chance to meet one of their women!" Kili commented.

"I wish my grandfather was still alive, so I could tell him all about this! It's just like he described it. Only, somehow better." I admitted.

"Well, if he's the one who told you about it, then he already knew." Bofur said.

"Bofur, do you believe that he could be with us? You know? In spirit?"

"Aye. That I do. My father, rest his bones and ashes, was killed by the worm Smaug. I like to think he's with my brother and I and our cousin, as we go on this quest."

I was going to say something to him about that, but Thorin interrupted.

"Kili! Bring me the burglar."

"Put me down, Kili, I can walk."

As soon as I was close to Thorin, he immediately took my hand and pulled me as close to his side as he could.

"Stick to me, lass. These are no friends of ours. There may be trouble, here." He snarled.

Clearly, he wasn't as in awe of the place as I was.

I wanted to tell him that there would be trouble only if he made it, but Gandalf was doing a much better job of that, so I only held Thorin's hand, and stuck by him, like he said, and kept my mouth shut.

In large part because while I was standing beside Thorin, holding his hand, I felt safe, and didn't feel quite so scared from the battle, and so much like I wanted to be sick.

That was around the time that I heard a resounding horn, and whole bunch of Elves on horseback showed up.

And even their horses were tall.

All of the sudden, I felt very small, indeed.

Despite my recent display of warmongering, Thorin decided that the best way to keep me safe from harm was to shove me behind him, and into the closing circle of 13 sweaty, angry dwarves who were making ready to show me just what warmongering was all about.

And I thought the orcs smelled bad!

And this is after they'd all had a bath and washed their clothes a few days before!

Meanwhile, Thorin was insulting Lord Elrond, when Lord Elrond was offering him food and shelter.

Gandalf informed Gloin, who was all geared up for a bit more carnage that he was being offered food, not insult, when I pushed my way out from where I was nearly smothered by the sweaty crush of overprotective Dwarves.

Thorin grabbed me by the arm and pulled me back over to his side, again.

"Owww! Thorin, don't be so rough!"

"Quiet, girl! Or they will take you from me, and have you sent back to that Coruadan you sent packing!"

Gandalf put his arm around me and steered me away from Thorin's paranoia

"And this is our burglar, Lord Elrond. Miss Belladonna Baggins, of Bag End. She has endured many hardships along the road, and moreso than all of these rough and ready fellows, especially after our recent battle, I do, believe she would appreciate a warm bath and a cool, quiet bed." Gandalf explained.

Lord Elrond raised an eyebrow.

Well I don't know how to curtsey, so I bowed, a little.

"I'm quite sorry to appear like this, in your beautiful fiefdom, Milord Elrond, sir, but I've just been in a battle and I had to kill a two horrid stinky orcs and this awful bloody great warg with these fiendish wicked teeth, and they bled all over me in the process. I had to just put on anything handy that was clean. My clothes and I are in great need of a wash, and I would greatly appreciate it." I said.

"I owe you more than that which Gandalf asks of me on your behalf, Belladonna Baggins. For news has reached my ears that one of my more ignoble subjects, the rogue Coruadan, repaid your kindness to him when he was homeless, penniless, and friendless, in seducing you with promises of marriage, only to rob and abandon you."

Thorin grabbed me by the hand, again, and pulled me close to his side.

"Which I take as a great personal insult, to me, and my family." He sniffed.

"Because my errant kinsman did not marry your burglar, Thorin Oakenshield?"

"Because the bastard broke her valiant little heart! For that, I would break his head!"

Before Thorin created more bad blood between his race and the Elves, I jumped back in.

"He did repay my generosity with treachery, and he did rob me and abandon me, but he made no attempt at seduction. Mine were unsuccessful, as he proved to be quite, erm, chaste. And I didn't want to be rude or force meself on him, you know, so I left it, at that. An attempt."

My companions snickered, a little, at my assertion.

Even Lord Elrond had to suppress a smile.

"Nonetheless, Miss Baggins, I feel responsible for what has happened to you, and I cannot let it stand. Coruadan, is kin to me. He is my own nephew, a bastard son of my late brother's, with a mortal woman, and a burden I have bourne on my back, it seems, for ten ages. I know it might seem otherwise to you, but he's not a bad man, just the sort of fellow whose birth suits his personality. I was a friend to your great grand-uncle, and met your late grandfather on several occasions. Indeed, I have always been a friend to the clan of Took, but even if I were not, I could not allow this dishonor upon my people to stand. You shall have your own suite of rooms while you and the company of Thorin son of Thrain, son of Thror stay in Rivendell, and when you leave, you will be compensated for your losses. And should I succeed in bringing Coruadan to justice, I will have him sent to the Shire, in the custody of the Rangers of the North, to face what justice Hobbit law decrees. And I will have to pay his debts, as I always do. Have the banker in your company draw up a list of your damages, if you would."

Balin stepped forward, bowing and doffing his hood.

"Balin, son of Fundin, at your service, Lord Elrond. I have that bill right here. If you have any questions about the itemized damages, of which there are actual, consequential and punitive, we can discuss them at dinner."

I would have loved to see how that conversation finished, but a very tall Elvish lady said she was going to show me to my room, and I was glad to go with her.

But Thorin refused to let me go, and he made sure to demand that his rooms adjoined mine, and to accompany me.

I began to think the old whoremaster really did want me to marry him, and it wasn't just politics.

Which, I must say, surprised me to no end.

Finding myself in a very large and ornate room, with a beautiful view of Rivendell was marvelous.

But even more marvelous was the existence of a closet and a nightstand, a bookshelf and a table and chairs, and most glorious of all, a door and a bed.

I shut the door and my eyes with it, and enjoyed the first moments of privacy I'd had since leaving Bag End.

Stretched in front of me was a whole afternoon in which I would not have to bicker with Thorin, or listen to him bicker with Gandalf, or have to reassure Kili that his brother meant no harm with his jokes or to tell Fili that I needed a few moments to breathe that he wasn't on my arse like my back had a saddle on it.

Nor did I have to put up with the various complaints and grievances and suggestions and stories of the 13 Dwarves with whom I had camped, outdoors, cheek by jowl, for months.

I unpacked my at my leisure, arranging my things just so, and then I rearranged them several times more, just for the sheer joy of it.

I was interrupted, a bit, in my peace and quiet, by the muffled sound of Thorin's voice, shouting, and then Kili, shouting back, coming through the stone wall.

Then, Fili shouted something, and Kili and Thorin both yelled back at him.

That triggered Thorin to erupt into one of his tirades of profanity, which ended in all three of them laughing quite loudly.

But I had more on my mind that the Heirs of Durin, for once.

I was on my way to have myself a proper bath, a luxury I had, in the past, always taken for granted.

I began to see why Thorin and his nephews so much enjoyed their time at Bag End, and why Kili grumbled about having to leave the Blue Mountains.

What with an endless supply of warm baths and good nights' sleep, several meals a day and leisurely pipes in the garden, apart from anything else they might receive.

But you could have fit five Hobbits the bathtub, where I decided I'd draw myself a nice, warm bath, which I intended to soak in, for hours, after which I would take a nice, long nap in the bed.

I hung my frock up by the window so that it could unwrinkle, then began to run my bathwater.

Thinking that if our quest was successful, that before I returned to Bag End I would spend at least a month in idleness in the Halls Under the Mountain, letting the Heirs of Durin wait on me and cater to my every whim.

It was the cater to my every whim part that I thought on for far too long, and I began to get such ideas that I wasn't so glad of my complete and total privacy, especially not from any of my suitors, next door.

The bed was immense too, large enough to fit six or seven Hobbits in, but it was a bed and that was all that mattered to me.

I had only been lying there, happily lazing between sleep and wakefulness for a few minutes, waiting for the tub to fill up when there was an insistent knock on the wall, behind the bookcase.

I heard bit of shuffling and then the bookcase opened like a door, and Thorin invited himself in.

There are times when Kili blushes when he reaches for my hand, and Fili has a way of smiling his suggestive grin, when he reminds me in a certain tone that it's time for me to do up his braids, but not Thorin.

He never announces his presence, or makes an excuse for it.

He takes it for granted that he is always welcome, and never takes a hint that he is not.

There are times when his arrogance infuriates me.

This was not one of them.

For I had spent much of the time that I was lying on the bed thinking about him, and my every whim, and that hour or so we had passed a few nights ago, finding something to do while our clothes dried in the branches of that big tree.

"So, Lord Elrond puts you in the adjoining set of rooms to where Fili, Kili and I are lodged? He has more of his wits about him than that ponce Thranduil. Indeed he would be too damn jealous, and put me in the bedroom next to his!"

Thorin walked about the room as if it was his and not mine, looking at the way I had everything arranged.

He stopped and looked at the dress I had brought with me, examining the material as if he was thinking of buying it.

As glad as I was to see him, I started to get annoyed.

"It's not in your size, Thorin. And besides, you don't have the bosom to carry off that style. You would want a shorter dress to show off your fine strong legs."

"I'm not making sport of you, girl! I knew you had skill with a needle, but not of this kind of mastery! It is a beautiful dress. Did you make this, Bella?"

"I did. For my honeymoon at Rivendell. I never had a chance to wear it, though."

I tried not to sound so sad, but I couldn't help it.

"What? I would not see tears in your eyes for such a fellow as that Elf of yours? Maybe you won't wear it as the wife of a bastard nephew to a king, but you shall wear your dress, Little Miss Bella, tonight, when you become the wife of the King Under the Mountain. And you'll still have your honeymoon in Rivendell. So, that's why you wanted to marry an Elf, is it? To see Rivendell and the Elves that Gerontius told you all his grand stories, about? You're not as mercenary and hard-hearted as you would like to be, are you?"

"Thorin, I have no idea what you're talking about? All of the sudden all I hear from you is marriage? What's going on without me."

Thorin explained to me, as I had my bath, about a plan of Balin's to solve our problems.

It was all very complicated.

The idea was that under Dwarven law, a titled or royal lady, given by her family in marriage to a prince or lord or princes or lords or what have you when they were underage could be legally considered either the daughter or the wife of their father, or other male guardian.

This male guardian was called the Regent of the Promise, and until the bridegrooms were of age, he would stand either as a husband to the lady, or the father.

Once everyone had signed, including the lady, then this was all very real and legally binding.

As for dissolution, the lady could repudiate her suitors or vice versa, for any reason.

But the regent had to have just cause, that is a good reason to get rid of the lady and she had to have just cause to get rid of him.

The finer points of the agreement vary from situation to situation, and my father taught me all about the finer points of contracts.

Especially those with Dwarves.

So it was that I spent the afternoon haggling over a contract with Thorin and Balin, while Kili and Fili stood there like a couple heads of cabbage, as if it didn't concern them, at all.

It was a good thing I had asked Gandalf to come and oversee the whole matter, as a judge would have, or else nothing would have been decided.

In the end though, I signed and Thorin signed.

You might think me mad for signing it, considering the mess that Thorin and I were in the middle of, but it gave Fili and Kili a legal right to marry me, and I had just cause to repudiate Thorin; he was a whoremaster and a heartbreaker who had tried to sell my arse, so really I ha nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Then Fili refused to sign a damn thing, he said he'd rather have his head cut off than sign one of Balin's contracts that he drew up for Thorin.

And Kili brought it up that I had asked him to marry be and live with me at Bag End and that he was old enough to do that, as of now, under the laws of the Shire.

I think Thorin admired their tactics, even if he did get angry when they refused to sign.

So, we had to go through the whole thing twice more, until Fili was satisfied he wasn't being chiseled, and Balin wrote in the Shire's laws and my proposal to Kili.

They both wanted it in writing that I would need just cause to give them the boot, and vice versa, and a guarantee that Thorin wasn't permitted to dissolve the contract at will and take me over lock, stock and barrel.

Thorin didn't like that, but neither Kili, Fili or I would budge on it.

Finally we all signed, again, each of us, I'll bet, for our own reasons.

Gandalf was our witness, and later, Balin would produce the contract at dinner, for Lord Elrond to be our other witness.

After that, I slept in my room for about an hour, and when I woke up, I had to take a lot of time getting dressed, for this was my dream, coming true, with or without that bastard Elf of mine.

I arrived last to the feast and when I came into the Dining Hall, the entire Company stood up in front of their chairs and looked at me as if I had grown an extra head.

I had spent a pretty penny on the fabrics and it had taken me the better part of a fortnight to make the dress.

It was a blue velvet dress with a peasant bodice, and the empire waist and that, what you may call it underskirt, underneath, made of silver, you know, with a panel of it in the front and all the embroidery I did on the sides of the panel and the hem and at the short sleeves and so on, and all that silver trim, and especially the sash, which was velvet on one side and silver on the other.

I am glad everyone looked so impressed, because I put a lot of time and money and heart and soul into it.

Lord Elrond sat at the head of the table on one end and Thorin on the other, and Fili and Gandalf sat on one side of him and Kili and an empty chair on the other.

I thought the empty chair which was just around the edge of the table from Thorin, right beside Kili, was mine, so I sat down.

"Not since the First Age, Miss Baggins, when the Fallohide ancestors of your clan of Tooks first settled in the West, have I seen a woman of the Shire look so fair." Lord Elrond complemented me.

I could feel my cheeks turning hot with the way I was blushing.

"I think it's more the dress than me, milord." I said.

"It most certainly is you and not the dress, Bella Baggins. The dress I might add that Miss Baggins made, to be presented to you in, Lord Elrond, by her Elvin husband. Before this Coruadan came along to stir the pot, Miss Baggins had an understanding with myself, and with my nephews Kili and Fili, nephews of Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror. They have managed in his absence, to renew it. As you can see by the braids in her hair, that understanding has been made a formal engagement, with myself as Regent of the Promise, until Kili and Fili are of age. As such, an insult to Miss Baggins, and to the clan of Tooks, allies of the Dwarves of the Blue Mountains, is an insult to Dwarfikind, and to the line of Durin. Not to mention, personally to me, Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain. For I stand in my regency, not in the shoes of a father, but a husband, and as such, if I end this quest as King, then Bella Baggins will be my Queen. Still, as things stand, now, my honor and the honor of my people cannot be satisfied by money, alone." Thorin pronounced.

Actually, my trouble with Coruadan made for a fine cover as to the Dwarves true reason for coming to Rivendell.

Which had to do with Thrain's map and key, and some important information that Gandalf was going to have to try to extract from Elrond.

But I had expected Thorin to wait for us to finish with dinner, before he started in on it.

So did, because he Gandalf choked on his pipe, and Fili's jaw unhinged with shock.

So did mine.

But Kili jumped to his feet.

Sword in hand.

"The honor of the Hobbit who will be my wife, and my brother's, and who is as wife to my Uncle, the regent of our promise of marriage, can only be satisfied by blood!" he insisted.

I was surprised, I had never known Kili to be a bloodthirsty man, or even to have a temper.

But I had seen him in the thick of battle, killing orcs because he had to, and I suppose he felt that it was his duty to slay the man who had dishonored me, as surely as if he was a maurading orc.

Fili stood up, too.

And smashed his new hammer I had found for him down on the table.

"As I promise now, before Dwarrows and Elves alike, that on the day my brother comes of age I will make Belladonna Baggins my wife, so I swear that I will not rest until this Elf's blood is on my hands!"

Dwalin banged his fist on the table, and then he was on his feet, too.

"By Mahal who created us and Odin the All-Father who created him, for this insult to our dear little burglar, we will have blood!" he agreed.

Thorin stood up and motioned for the others to sit down.

Which they did.

"Peace, kinsmen! We cannot call for the blood of one of Lord Elrond's subjects, for his own bastard nephew, at his dinner table. That is for him to think upon. And choose." Thorin finished.

"But if I was to decide that capital punishment may be enforced on Coruadan, it would be you who would strike the killing blow, would it not, Thorin Oakenshield?"

"I am the Chieftain of this company, and the Regent of my nephews' promise to take the Hobbit to wife. Despite their intentions, my nephews are not of age. It is my right and it would be my duty, to enforce your subject's punishment." Thorin replied.

Hot anger like the flames of his forge blazed in his eyes at the thought of vengeance.

Kili has his uncle right, there are few things Thorin loves more than vengeance.

When he said he would see Smaug dead and his blood on the Dwarves' hoard of gold and said he would have me on top of the dragon's body, he meant it, for that would be the union of all the things Thorin holds most dear in one master stroke.

Well, at least I am in there, somewhere.

Lord Elrond looked thoughtful.

"It is not customary for a Dwarf-Lord to come to my valley, and, demand the head of one of my subjects. Even if it is my ne'er-do-well nephew. But, neither is it customary, for the honor of one woman to weigh so heavily on the Heirs of Durin. Or for an Elf to do so great an evil to a young girl who springs from such a kindly race. A young girl to whom he owed his very life, and paid her back by nearly ruining hers."

"I do not consider Miss Baggins to be ruined. Your man, such as he could be called that, did not touch her. And even if he had, I would not consider it to amount to much." Thorin interrupted, tersely.

Lord Elrond ignored his general slight on the manhood of Elves, and continued.

"And Miss Baggins is from the clan of Tooks, who have been friends to me and my subjects. This is a truly weighty matter, and concerns the honor of three races. I must have some time to decide. Therefore Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, I invite you and your Company to stay with us, for at least a fortnight, until Midsummer's Eve."

As much as Dwarves dislike the company of Elves, I do not think I was the only one thinking of the room I had been given, and how nice it would be to stay in it, for awhile.

"That is agreeable to me. For the purposes of our settling this matter of Dwarven honor, I accept your proposal." Thorin decided.

He sat down.

Gandalf, who was sitting on the other side of me, gave a quiet chuckle of disbelief.

"Dwarven honor, my foot! Thorin wants two weeks to get back into your good graces. Be wary of him Bella Baggins. If you wish to forgive him, do so, but do not let him off the hook, as it were, so easily."

"I will let him off the hook, for now, Gandalf, because I do not know what awaits us. But Kili and I have negotiated for an exit clause to this mountain of legalese I have signed my name to. And I will have Thorin before the magistrate in Hobbiton, if I've any difficulty. Dagobert Brandybuck. He's my Uncle, you know. A Took, on his mother's side."

Gandalf laughed.

"I believe you would, Bella Baggins. I believe you would."

And Lord Elrond accepted Thorin's accepting his proposal.

Balin asked him to be our second witness, and with Lord Elrond's signature, the thing was done.

I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach I hadn't had since I signed the contract to go on the Quest.

"Don't worry, Bella. I will stand with you, before the magistrate in Hobbiton, should you need me.' Gandalf promised.

I thanked him, and then I stood up.

To say my piece.

"Wait one moment. If all you men are done pounding your chests and looking lordly and congratulating one another over both, I should like to say something."

Thorin couldn't believe I had spoken, but Lord Elrond turned to me and nodded.

"Go ahead, Miss Baggins."

"I can understand the desire of my bridegrooms to want to butcher your bastard nephew, Lord Elrond. And it's true that Coru, well, let's say his character suits the nature of his birth. But I spent the winter with him, and I'm no fool. I knew he was putting on the dog, a bit, because sometimes his act would slip and he wasn't very lordly at all. Just grateful to have a place to sleep out of the snows. His fine clothes had seen better days, and I was obliged to mend his stockings, which he only had one pair of, and I was obliged to buy him a new pair of boots and make him new tunics, because the old ones came apart when I washed them. He was thin and ill and worn when I found him, too. I knew he couldn't be as fine as he said he was, to have fallen on such hard times. Even though I knew he was a scoundrel, I never figured him to be as rotten a bastard as he turned out to be, but I'm not sure he was all a bad man. Honestly, though I'm glad I beat the tar out of him, I am sorry for it, too. What I mean to say is, I don't want to see him dead. It's not as if he's murdered or raped anyone, or burnt down a village and put children to the sword. I'd like to have my day in court with him, is all. Even if it's here, in Rivendell. And I'd like to be compensated, and see him get his just desserts. But I don't think that letting this lot lop off his head or put arrows through his heart or hammer his brains to jelly would be just." I stated

"And I will also take that into account, as I make my ruling, Miss Baggins. But, now that we have settled these weighty matters of family and marriage and state, we can have our dinner, without further incident. I congratulate you, Bella Baggins, on your marriage. Thorin Oakenshield has his grandfather's bearing, and his father's fire. But his guile, and his wit, they are all his own, born of the life he has led. As long as he lives, surely, even if you all return penniless to New Belegost, you will never want for anything, and you will always be quite safe and secure."

It was a curious thing, for Lord Elrond, to understand both Thorin and I, so well.

But, that is when dinner was served.

The entertainment was very good.

Especially the part where Fili was making eyes at an Elvin musician he thought was a woman who was nothing of the kind.

Other than that, the Dwarves did not think the Elves were so entertaining; they thought that the music sounded funereal, and Bofur got up on the table and sang a rowdy song.

Then they all started to throw food.

Thorin had enough of his kingly good breeding left to be embarrassed.

He stood up and glared at them.

"Alright, that's enough! Would you men act like this, in a Dwarven hall, where you were guests? I think not! And my own nephews, I know that you have better manners for your mother and I had to beat them into you with a wooden spoon on your rowdy little backsides! Place your arses in your seats, all of you, and keep your food in your mouths or on your plates! If you want different music, you shall have it. Bofur, get your flute."

To keep them still, he took over on the harp left by one of the Elvin musicians, who had stalked off in a huff.

I think the Elves were surprised at what a fine musician Thorin was.

I wasn't.

I have spend many long winter evenings, listening to Thorin play.

I do play the flute a little, not the fine one you hold sideways, but the kind carved out of wood that you play like the pan pipes, like Bofur's

Sometimes we would play, together.

It was lovely, to hear Thorin play, again.

So much so that I almost forgot about the food.

Almost.

First there was fruit.

Then a green salad.

Then some vegetable soup, served with some excellent, crusty biscuits, and fresh, creamy butter, whipped like light cream.

And after that, steamed vegetables, with rice, and some spices.

Following that, there was bread and cheese and crackers, of many kinds.

Then strawberries and cream.

We were served, however, absolutely no main course and by that, I mean there was no meat.

I did not eat all of every course, as so much vegetables would give me gas, but I had quite a lot of cheese, bread and crackers.

I was not rude enough to ask where the meat was, but just as the rest of the party began to grumble, rudely, Lord Elrond and his people left the dining hall.

That was when the meat showed up.

A turkey, and a ham, and a large beef roast.

Plates of bacon and sausages and meat pies.

And with the meat came barrels of dark Gondorian ale.

We all of us ate and ate and ate until we were full to bursting, and I was glad my dress had an empire waist.

And then?

And then came desert.

Freyja's golden graters, dessert!

There are two things in Middle Earth that you might not know that Elves are famous for.

The infamously dirty series of Sindarin books, known as "The 12 Nights of the Sindari."

And pastries.

The Elvin girls who served us brought out platter upon platter of beautiful pastries.

Huge cookies bursting with chocolate and nuts, tortes and tarts and delicacies, stuffed with cream and chocolate, glazed with gooey fudge and caramel, topped with mounds of airy whipped cream.

And if you notice I gloat over these desserts the same way I do men, well, I am a Hobbit, after all.

I stuffed myself full of food until I felt I couldn't breathe, and I wasn't embarrassed to ask if some leftovers couldn't be sent to my room.

But, while I had been having an extended dessert, some of the members of the company had been hitting the bottle.

They were beginning to get rowdy with the serving girls, who didn't seem to mind one bit.

Gloin and Oin got up from the table, and Dori took Ori away, even though Ori seemed like he might have wanted to hang around and try his luck.

Balin said something to Dwalin about not breaking any chairs before Balin took his leave, and Bombur excused himself from the table.

Bofur was back on the table, singing, and Nori was telling one of the girls how one of his wives was half an Elf, Bifur found a not so giggly or young lady who could speak Khuzdul, and Dwalin had a girl on either knee.

As for my lord and husband, Thorin was guzzling wine right from the bottle like tomorrow wasn't going to arrive right on schedule, and telling one of five girls who had crowded around him that he wasn't going to have even a drop of their Elvish love potion, because it would drive him mad, and he'd end up rampaging through the lot of them, like a raging bull.

Then he grabbed the bottle, drank it all, and chased it down with the rest of his wine, laughing like a deranged Easterling pirate.

And Fili was his First Mate on the good ship Drink and Screw, as usual.

Why does Thorin wonder where Fili had learned to take on like an Easterling pirate?

And Kili?

He ducked a flying wine bottle that Dwalin was throwing to Nori, and pulled my chair back.

"Oooooh, did I eat too much! I feel like I'm going to explode. Let's go take a walk through some of those gardens and pathways we saw this afternoon, and walk this meal off."

Kili helped me out of my chair, and we departed, with Kili bringing one bottle of wine and two glasses.

As we left, we saw Gandalf trying to explain again to Lord Elrond how these Dwarves were noble, intelligent and cultured.

"But here's young master Kili, going with his intended to take a nice stroll. Perhaps sit in one of your lovely gardens, on a bench, and have a glass of wine, to aid their digestion! And all the Dwarrows who left to go to their dormitory room did thank you mist graciously."

"Yes, Gandalf, I see that most of these Dwarves, if a bit rough and ready, have some manners, and I am not surprised that those are the most mature men of the Company. And I must say I am glad to see that one of the Heirs of Durin has thought well enough of his intended bride to spend the evening of his bethrothal in her company. But that does not address my concern about these other Dwarves in my Dining Hall, wrecking the place, and harassing my servants, or my greater concern that it is Thorin Oakenshield, himself, who seems to be leading the charge!"

Gandalf was at a loss for words.

"Well, that's just because my Uncle is an incurable romantic, at heart, Lord Elrond." Kili said.

All three of us looked at him like he was mad.

"In what way, Master Kili?"

"Because of how deeply he loves Anorloth of Mirkwood. I even wrote a fairly long poem about it. It's a very tragic story, if you think on it. Two young men, a Dwarf and and Elf are the best of friends. But Thorin falls in love with Thranduil's younger sister, and she falls pregnant, and Thorin believes she has another lover, so he repudiates her and his friendship with Thranduil is broken. But when he discovers the other man is his own cousin, he is ready to forgive Anorloth and marry her, and then Smaug comes. What I mean is, the whole tragedy is never far from my Uncle's mind, and he broods on it. I think the only time Anorloth is not on his mind is when he's with Bella, and that is the main reason I never tried to discourage him. And when Uncle is around women of your race, he thinks of Anorloth, and it makes him melancholy, and then he drinks, and suddenly they have all turned into his Anorloth. He pursues every Elf woman he meets, for his Anorloth's sake hoping to find comfort in their arms. Only, in the morning, they are not Anorloth and he is hung over and deeply embarrassed. Not to mention, everyone was behaving well, until the girls started serving strong wine, and drops of love potion. Not that there's anything wrong with everyone having a little fun, but I don't think your servants are being harassed." Kili explained.

Gandalf looked as if he was trying not to laugh.

"What if that wine, too is laced with our Elvin love potion?" Lord Elrond asked Kili.

"It doesn't smell of it, and I know what the stuff smells like, because my brother often arranges to meet three or four women in one night, and he drinks about a gallon of it before he goes, and when he comes back in the morning he's like a man whose been in a fistfight with a warg, and I have to put him to bed. But if there is some in there, I don't mind. Do you, Bella?"

"No. After all this is my wedding night."

"But not with Master Kili."

Kili grinned.

"It is now, Lord Elrond. Good night, sir. Good night, Gandalf."

And Kili and I went for our walk.

"Are they out of earshot, Gandalf, old friend?"

"They are, Elrond. Now we can laugh!"

"What are those girls thinking? Giving love potion to Dwarves? To the Heirs of Durin?"

"I do not believe we have to wonder as to what they are thinking, Elrond. It seems obvious."

"So, it is not that his years of war and loss and wandering and struggle have made of Thorin something of a hard, bitter, callous man, who has leraned to take his moments of pleasure where he finds them. Rather, his love for my kinsman's sister is never far from his mind, and all Elvish women are Anorloth to Thorin Oakenshield?"

"I think it is a little of both, my friend." Gandald opined.